April 11, 2007
the unbearable something of being

i have not been here because i have not been here. i cannot post because i haven't posted.

nothing seems suitable, i am not interested in anything at all.

for a long time i thought i would be A Writer, but aside from what i have written here in the last two years, i have written nothing at all. i was (am?) quite good- i included it in my Identity- and now that i am without it, i struggle to understand where it has gone.

i am in a phase again. i don't know what it's about, or how i came into it. i feel as if i have so much to do that i will never be done. daily the list grows and i accomplish so little. i am overwhelmed by guilt when i am sitting on my couch. i make lists, as if that will help me to control what there is to do, but there is just so much and no time and no money.

i am tired, and yet i struggle to sleep.

in a month i should be able to walk normally, without the boot. in a month i should be able to have my debut, and yet i think i may have lost my nerve. the other night i was out at a bar and found myself quite sensitive to the stares of others. don't look at me, please. your eyes burn mine.

this is my first week alone in my apartment. i feel pressure to feel something about it. i'm worried that i will spend the entire weekend inside without speaking to anyone.

i need to lose ten pounds. i need to stop worrying about ten pounds.

julius is sick again. nimoy's ear is red. tonight i will begin another course of antibiotics and hope it's enough to keep them out of the vet's office until i get paid.

i want a bicycle. i think that riding the boardwalk might clear me out some, might put me back inside my body instead of my mind.


Blogger yournamehere said...

If you haven't talked to anyone by Sunday, call a nearby Starbucks and ask someone to describe their caramel dolce latte in great detail. You might make a new friend.

Blogger Brillig said...

Oh, I love this. Seriously. I feel like I can relate so well. I guess maybe everyone can, which is what makes it such genius--that need to feel something and also the hope not to feel anything. Great post.

Blogger me said...

as much as i can, i'm sending positive energy your way...

i can't say i understand how you feel but i totally sympathize because it's been a roller coaster here and everyone has their own opinion...

so positive energy and napoleon stopped being temperamental for about five seconds to send some to julius and nimoy.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

I got the yarn kitty instructions. I love you.

You don't need to feel anything auspicious about the new apartment. Also, I often spend entire weekends without speaking to anyone. I actually enjoy it. However, when you find yourself in self-depreciation mode, go out for a walk--preferrably to the store to buy something, which forces you to speak to someone.

That's my guide to living alone.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound overwhelmed (underwhelmed?) and a little burnt out. I agree with Laurie Ann.

Blogger slappy said...

Get one of those sweet cruiser bikes with the whitewall tires.

I got halfway through my short story collection, but then got burned out on it and went back to the jiggscasey stuff. Bah. I suggest you write half of a novel.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

Be patient. Moving is never easy, especially when you do it alone. Trust me, I've been living alone for a very long time now.

I think you're a wonderful writer. I don't think you should question that.

Email or call me if you need anything.

Blogger Übermilf said...

There is nothing you "have to" or "should" be doing or feeling. There is no big giant cyclops peering in your window, taking notes and reporting on how you measure up against your fellow human beings.

If you need to take some time to regroup and catch your breath, there's no shame in that. Every day you survive can and should be considered a victory against the forces of evil.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, i commented. but i must have hit the wrong button.

anyway, the basic elements of my comments were:

don't worry about your weight.

I like boobs.

and my life is in fucking shambles.


Blogger Uccellina said...

I'm sorry you hurt.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

I have a beach cruiser frame, I bet Nick and I could build you something really cute. With streamers on the handles if you want.

Blogger DaMasta said...

i completely agree with ubermilf. she hit the nail on the head. you must'ent worry about what you can or should "accomplish". no one has enough time or money. no one. not even people with the most time and money. just relax. take one day at a time. feel good in the sun. feel good in your own shoes.

Blogger Monkey said...

Allow me to take this opportunity to worship at the altar of Übermilf.

We all go through times like this. You are still a writer, even if you don't feel like one right now. It doesn't just disappear because you're exhausted and feeling crappy.

And don't let those nagging icky voices in your head belittle your writing. The funhouse mirror is always there to make you feel funky about something... but it's not real.

You are loved. And you know I related to this post so much I got teary.

Blogger Ellen Bloom said...

Synergy. Just as I was reading your post, I received your comment on my rock 'n roll years. We are tech-psyched, or something like that.

How nice to live near the Boardwalk! Get out there and mingle with the colorful people!

Blogger jiggs said...

Every once in a while, I think it's nice to have a weekend that doesn't include speaking. However, if you want this weekend to not be that weekend, you got my number.

Blogger FRITZ said...

What Kendra said...is Fritz, too.

I have not written in ages. And that makes me upset. But even moreso, it makes me upset that I know I should write, but I just can't get off the sofa.

Additionally, I am so poor and yet still owe the rest of the world so much money. It just never seems to end.

The good news is: you have your own place. And I hope your friends (nimoy and julius) are feeling better, and don't have to go to the vet.

I work for a Jewish agency, by the way, and think of you often. No, really, I do.

I hope you had a nice passover.

Blogger Isabel said...

I have some songs I sing at the top of my lungs when I feel this way.

New York, New York.
Try a Little Tenderness.
I Like Big Butts and I cannot Lie.
War (What Is It Good For?)

I think you need your own Rocky theme or Raiders of the Lost Arc theme to tide you over. Rock on, Golden State!

Blogger Laurie said...

Hope you feel better soon. Sometimes being alone can help you set yourself straight. Of course I'm never alone, so what the hell do I know?

Blogger Brookelina said...

I am virtually smashing my boobies against you, though I know that's small comfort. Well, not small.

We all go through times like this. I'm feeling overwhelmed with all I have to do to move. I have to lose much more than 10 pounds. And apparently my blog sucks so much lately that other bloggers are complaining about it.

I have spent many weekends alone in my apartment not talking to anyone. It can actually be quite nice. Enjoy the silence. Sometimes it's just what you need.

Blogger Calzone said...

I love how you write...

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I love everything about you and so completely relate to this post. Must be something going around because I'm in such an ugly place right now and am having a hard time finding my way out.

I wish I could nestle you in my bosom and carry you around with me.

Blogger Monkey said...

Thinking of you.

Blogger The Roy said...

I don't even know you except through the how-you-hurt-your-foot contest. I don't even usually read my aunt's friends' blogs, but I'm procrastinating and here I am, reading this and thinking "damn, I know what that feels like."

I never presented it to anyone openly, but I had integrated writing into my identity. I felt as if I had talent and potential. I used to be fairly prolific, though I didn't think so at the time. Then I left school, and in the past 2 years since, I've accomplished close to zero.

It makes me wonder what the writers I admire had that I don't have. Where's the drive? Where's the inspiration? I used to know what that felt like.

So yeah, like I said, don't know you a bit. But in wandering past your post, I identified with your situation. With the two years past my last good work, with always feeling out of time and low on cash, feeling unhappy with the way I look, yet struggling to find the motivation to do a thing about it. Or to do a thing at all. With making lists I never finish that end up becoming empty placeholders where progress should be.

Anyhow, thank you for allowing me to imagine a sense of stranger's camaraderie by sharing where you're at. If you figure out the secret, please post it.

Blogger karla said...

You sound just like me, except for the boot. And the diseased cats. Other than that, we are twins. Crabby, lethargic twins.

Anonymous Frank said...

Don't worry, I think many of us get that way at some point(s) in our life. I feel similarly right now. The only way past it is to go through it.


Anonymous Bonanza JellyBean said...

You need to come to Baltimore and visit the stalkers who adore you.

And your debut will be amazing. go to pinupclothing.com, buy a few things there, go out and have fun with your healed ankle.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

You are such a writer, for you articulate what I feel, what many of us feel.

You make me want to roll in blue paint and throw my body at a giant white canvas, and scream to the world: SEE ME!

Blogger Übermilf said...

Maybe you're just constipated.

Blogger Ripe for Reading said...

Hello, I found you through Jurgen Nation--your writing is lovely! : )

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