January 10, 2007
the surreal life

since i'm all single and what not, i have enlisted help in preparing myself to reenter the dating world. this endeavor is less than appealing to me, as most people are stupid and have subpar personal hygiene. being the marvelous chap that he is, anonymous coworker has compiled a handy list of questions to help me weed out the failures and find my perfect mate, my coffeemate(?), my eierlegende wollmilchsau.

i hope clive owen can answer these properly.


since i haven't met or conjured or electronically created my milk-giving egg-laying wool pig (yet), i have been taking things into my own hands. literally. until disaster! catastrophe! and oh the horror! my tiny fingertip vibrator broke and i spent about ten minutes trying different batteries, repeatedly switching the positive/negative ends and ignoring the visibly broken part, clearly illustrating my vast knowledge of tekmology.

and then the most surreal few moments of my life... wherein my incredibly estranged exboyfriend calmed me, turned on the overhead light, and began stripping the wires for to solder them back together.

somebody find me that pig before i go completely crazy.



18 Comments:

Blogger yournamehere said...

I've gone through my archives and deleted all of the times I made fun of soy nog.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

I might borrow those clitoris questions should I find myself single again.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, that is all kinds of awesome.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I love your life.
Thank you for teaching me about the egg-laying wolly milk sow, which I never knew I needed, til now.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

btw-- not a typo;

"wolly" is how we say "furry as shit" in Estonian.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm certain Clive can answer most of them correctly.

If not, who cares. It's Clive Owen.

Blogger Beeb said...

I heard the clitoris hides in an underground bunker... like my favorite comedian says, "it's the osama bin ladin of body parts"...

if you get this as an answer to your questions he's a keeper.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think pig milk would taste very good.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

1) I think that might be the best post ever.

2) It wouldn't happen to be this vibrator, would it?

3) That list made my day.

4) You're so fucking awesome.

5) Let's make out.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

1) I live to serve.

2) It doesn't skeeve you out that now that your vibrator is fixed your ex is pleasuring you by proxy?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had her "toys" resoldered. Friends used to laugh at me because of it, but Hey!, I was attached to them!...my ex used to fix them for me too, back when he loved me...

Blogger miss kendra said...

tits: i'm glad you enjoyed this! it was actually a tongue joy, that never was used on a tongue. that thing had POWER.

acw: it would had he actually fixed it. but it's dead. and how i weep.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Wow. First you insult Daughtry, now you try to steal Clive. Seriously? You make a move toward J. Depp and our friendship is over.

Beep friggin cracks me up. I'm meeting with a military man tonite. I'll let you know if he's a keeper. :)

And really - what is UP with word ver. these days?! "saurnzqo"?! isn't that some sort of tequila?!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not in the least bit gay, and I just might have to fight you over Clive Owen. THAT'S how much man Clive is.

Okay, So admitting I'd do Clive Owen might qualify me as "least bit gay." perhaps I spoke too soon.

Blogger Nick said...

I know Dave Grohl.

Blogger jiggs said...

that's sweet of him to solder your toy back together.

Blogger jiggs said...

by the way, the clitoris is a part of your throat right? You breathe through it...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohmigod, Jiggs. I love you sooooo much.

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