October 31, 2006
halloween in my own personal hell

i had my "procedure" this morning, and while i won't know the results till next week, the initial tests were good.

or so the doctor told me, once he stopped the bleeding. i've been spackled, and it was not as fun as it sounds.

i went to my procedure in costume, because i can. the nurse was one of those people who pretends to see nothing out of the ordinary. but who was she kidding?



my face is green!


the lady on the elevator kept looking at me like i was crazy, and then right before we got off she turned to me and said, "oh that's right! it's halloween!" that old biddy thought i was just some weirdo. i'll show her, when i show up next week dressed as xena warrior princess sings the blues.

anyway, i had intended on making costumes for my pets ((because that's how i roll) but i didn't have time, what with all the heavy drinking to dull my pain and whatnot. since i failed as a source of entertainment, i figured i'd make you a nice little mockup of atleast one of my spectacular feline couture designs.

that's right. you love it.
you know you do.



October 30, 2006
yet another step towards crazy-catlady-ness

i went to a halloween party on saturday night and about half an hour into standing around like an idiot, it dawned on me that i hated this party, probably because as a general rule, i hate all parties.

i am a fairly entertaining person, and i can amuse just about anyone in a one-on-one or small group situation, but a party of this nature is not my scene. people i don't know want to talk to me about asinine things, invade my personal space and dance all up on me. the talking part is just a segue into the reckless humping part, and i am not pro-reckless humping. i do not know how to relate to men of this nature. example:
seemingly harmless guy dressed as vampire attempts to start conversation, and i really have no idea how this happened, but i somehow steer the conversation towards equestrian fetishes.

it was a logical transition, if i recall correctly, which i do because i was not drinking(!), but i could see (even as i was making the transition) that it was way beyond the conversational capabilities of this particular individual. which is pretty much what happens to me. i cannot associate with "regular" people. i say things that have no place being uttered, and i'm not just talking about ponytail buttplugs or implausibly long strings of cursewords. i have no place amongst the general public! i am no good for you, no good at all.

i do not like bars/clubs/parties because i do not know what to do with myself. boys offer to buy me a drink and i would rather run away than say yes or no because yes could lead to more talking (which would be pointless as outlined above) and no would be mean, and also something i have little experience with saying. OR. boys say something like, "so what do you like to do?" and i say words like, oh, anything i've ever written here, and suddenly they see someone they know over there. way the fuck over there.

casual conversation eludes me. i am a quirky girl and some people find that delightful, but others (lots of others) find my brand of quirk strange and disconcerting. i have had a man explicitly tell me to stop saying things of the nature of things i like to say (if that makes sense) because it makes people think i am weird.

which is actually the anglo-saxon word for fate. which is just the sort of thing i would say to a guy at a party and he would go, "hmmm. that's cool. i need another beer."

so i have decided this: from now on, i am ok with it and i will most certainly stop trying to hide it. i am not interested in someone who is not ever socially awkward, or who pretends that is the case. it is a sign of personality, and character, and frankly, if people can get beyond my initial impression of loud (kansas can you hear me?) and crazy and possibly swinging a large knowledge cock, they will find that i am generous (sometimes to a fault) and sensitive, and an excellent hypo-allergenic baker with yarn-spinning tendencies. and there i go again.

whatever. my cats love me.



October 25, 2006
please help

i am currently accepting suggestions for posts.

also, i'm thinking of doing NaNoWriMo. is this a good idea?

today someone asked me if i was in fashion (i assume because of what i'm wearing) and then told me if i'm not i should be.

so from now on, i am. if you need anything, you know where to find me.

in fashion.



October 23, 2006
things that have happened in the last week*

* that may or may not be nudging me ever closer to the line between "delightfully quirky" and "crazy bitch."

ONE: used amazon gift certificate to purchase sewing supplies (including a rotary cutter and heavyweight carpet thread) as well as a book on cadavers. am reasonably sure this combination has landed me on at least one fbi watch list, and am quite positive this combination renders me even more irresistible in the eyes of terrified white men between the ages of 18-44 everywhere. because statistically speaking, were i a serial killer, that would be the general profile of my victim. so hello. would you like to come in for a drink?

TWO: was vomited on by leonard nimoy, and said vomit was not really vomit per se, but more like pink foam and a pile of live, squiggling worms. overcame feelings of total gross out in order to tend to poor sick kitty. used oral syringe to give nimoy a mixture of wetfood and water overnight, as he was too weak to come out from under the coffee table. nimoy has now been treated (this is, unfortunately, pretty normal for a new cat) and with any luck will be fine. i however, am scarred for life.

THREE: endured the awkwardness of a would-have-been-three-year anniversary, that might have been less so if we didn't still have to live together, and if he weren't chatting up sluts on the internet.

FOUR: learned through the devil's magic that is science that i am indeed physiologically abnormal, and not just psychologically so. as such, have been scheduled for a (probably costly) "procedure." this is never good. considered canceling amazon order and using gift certificate for DIY procedure kit. decided against, because really, that book could be more useful than i initially thought.



October 19, 2006
i love tits

happy birthday, tits mcgee!

i couldn't love you more if i tried. well, maybe a little more, but i'd need rope, lube and a zorro mask.

(this post serves as notice that i am alive. if you require further information, please contact my legal team here.)



October 16, 2006
this is not a threat

i am having serious stomach problems. i think i might die.

i spent $200 at the vet this morning. again.

the water in my building has been shut off for the last 24 hours.

i feel like death.



October 13, 2006
do six hail marys

and a beach pail of cocaine, and all will be forgiven.

internets, we have to talk.

i'm really disappointed in your recent behavior. in fact, i'm a little broken hearted over the whole thing. i expected better from you, but you didn't work up to your potential. and i mean at all. seriously.

i gave you a stellar post down there, and you gave me a measly 25 comments. what is that bullshit? i know that more than 500 people have seen this post. i have a sitemeter, and also hired guns. not to mention omnipotence, and really nice shoes. pretty much this is unacceptable. the post had sluttiness! and strap ons! and waxed asses! i don't know how much longer i can just give and give. what more do you people want from me?????

so your punishment is this random pile of crap that's been on my mind, and you will read it, every last morsel.
it really bothers me when people misuse the word "ripen." fruits do not ripen further after being picked. it makes me want to punch the offender in the neck.

i think my feet are growing.

my knitting spot is right near the litterbox and so i've become aware of the fact that leonard nimoy talks to himself while he's pooing.

meeting sysm was delightful, and not just because he paid for dinner. that sounds bad, but he did, and i appreciated it, so i'm leaving it in. kiss my ass. sysm was smart, and kind, and funny. and he seems like a good tipper, though i don't know for sure.

i hope my family gives me money for the holidays. except my parents, because they don't have to give me anything. except a place to sleep and food to eat when i go home. and also maybe help me pay to ship more of my crap from their attic to los angeles. there's like four tupperwares full of yarn up there, you know.

the word paraskavedekatriaphobia sounds made up to me.

oranges are delicious, but a pain in the ass. if i were a rockstar i would put it on my rider that i wanted pre-peeled oranges to eat. and they would do it, because i rule with an iron fist.


see what you made me do? that will teach you.



October 10, 2006
belated birthday

now that i've been 26 for like ten days, i figured i'd reward you for sticking it out through my last three posts full of kitties. (obligatory joke featuring the "p" word: because even though the majority of my readers love pussy, that's not the kind they come here for. and ah-thank you. *bows*)

those of you who would prefer to think of me only as a sweet (yet slightly saucy) individual with the knitting and the meowsers, i suggest you simply look here or here and then come back tomorrow.

so. this post is l-o-n-g, so you should sit down. trust me.

the night of my birthday began like any other night, with me relaxing in my trusty orange pajamas... but then, out of no where, pigs flew and my apartment got really cold and the devil went down to georgia, and these are surely signs that it was time to get my whore on. i hopped in my hussymobile and sped off to my friend Mercy's house, for the best part of any evening with the girls...

getting ready.
make sure to note the knitting, as it
really fits right in with the theme of the evening.


there was about ten tons of makeup on the coffee table for everyone to choose from, in the great tradition of club kids everywhere, and the even greater tradition of one of my dream careers. *le sigh* if only.

here i am, draggin' it up.
i like how my hair is all swooshed back, so you can see
my sevenhead. i considered pancaking my eyebrows
and drawing them back on three inches higher.
you know, for fun.


then we all put on our outfits, and Mercy (who requested her face be blurred because she is in the witness protection program) had to get lubed. yes, that's right. lubed. silicone lubed! (water soluble, and non-gloopy!) she wore a red latex dress, which requires lubrication, not only to keep it soft and supple and not rippy, but also because it's just prettier when it's shiny. most things are.


the best part was later in the night when i dropped
to my knees and relubed her in the middle of the club.
it was necessary, but also highly entertaining.
for everyone.


so here's what i wore.

having reached the pinnacle of rock hotness,
i look like a slutty girl version of slash.
SCORE!


in case you can't tell, i'm wearing the bitchin' top hat that lady linoleum made for me, a wig that looks essentially like my own hair but much longer, a very skimpy top, green bra (to match my eye makeup, bitches!), very very skimpy skirt (with jolly roger undies beneath), widefence fishnets, and the coolest "belt" ever, the skull that draws all eyes to my loins. all will flock! (shout out to spinnerina)

don't forget the six inch heeled nazi hooker boots!
i'm all business.


my makeup, for your enjoyment:
my septum ring looks like a dusty black booger.
other than that, i'm so hot i don't know how you stand it.


and the four of us,
Mercy, miss kendra, pinksara, laurieann


SO! then, just before eleven, we ran off to miss kitty's parlour and valeted the car like the deserving girls we are, and entered the club.

at first, i must admit, i was unimpressed. the last "fetish" club i went to was much more imposing at a glance. there was more black and velvet and candley things etcetera, etcetera. so we got some shots. and then, pretty much immediately after that, the first performance of the evening began. there weren't any cameras allowed, but let me assure you, the images are forever burned into my mind.

pretty much it was these three,
but with less cartoonishness,
and a whole lot more strapons.


the crowd included a young man who's lip rings looked like tusks. he made out with pinksara for a good chunk of the night, showing her a good time, and simultaneously breaking the silver shirt she wore (my shirt) on its maiden voyage into the public eye. while it is fixable, i sort of enjoy knowing how it met its early demise.

there were more shots, and more shots, and an odd man wearing tuxedo leiderhosen who reminded me of this guy and so was dubbed "the german." there was a guy in a spandexy outfit that covered his whole body and face, and some girls in very little. some boys in very little too, actually. there was an oiled up muscley man in a pink/purple speedo being led around by an enormous (not fat, just really really large) bottle blonde.

in one room there was what resembled depression-era european porn being projected on the wall, and everyone in it looked suitably morose, having just waited in nine hour lines for a loaf of bread and now being subjected to this. one woman was a gilf, if you like depressed women i guess.

when pinksara's shirt kept falling off (that boy was incredibly enthusiastic), we had to run to the bathroom and fix it repeatedly. there was a man with a camera in there (the official photographer? or pervert...or both? you decide.) who took our pictures in a non-creepy way, but then tried again and again to convince pinksara that she should show him her nipples. just one. just for a minute.

when that didn't work, he suggest that he could lick one, offering like the gentleman he clearly was, to close his eyes. she politely declined.

after, i did more shots. then a girl in a pink wig and a teensie bikini and giant shoes stole me away to the side stage, where she bent me over a fur covered table horse, handcuffed me, and allowed a man clad in a jockstrap, a butcher's apron, and scads of glitter to spank my bottom. as i understand it, the first paddle-to-miss-kendra contact resulted in an all too perfect popping of one of the strings on my fishnets. i, of course, have no idea, as i was upside down. and also my head doesn't go in that direction anyway.

the strangest part (in my opinion) (and it was my butt, so i think my opinion's fairly relevant) was that there was a spotlight right on me. i was pretty impressed with myself for allowing such a thing (the spotlight. i'm fairly pro-spanking to begin with.), and very proud of myself for having the foresight to double up on the underpants. they allowed me to relax some when the glitterbutcher manipulated the jolly roger panties into my crack in order to expose as much as possible, and then pour hot wax on it.

that's right. he poured it on my ass.

we met a genial rastaman named King Richard who asked us to return for his reggae show. he requested that we wear the same outfits, and i don't think it was so he would recognize us.

there was more drinking, and staring, and drinking, and laughing. then i danced with my leg over the shoulder of one of their stage dancers. and then i danced with some incredibly handsome man who (sadly) did not smell as good as he looked. how dare he! comingling the delightful cookie scent with his odor did little to dispel it, but i was drunk and cared little, if at all.

i woke up in the morning slightly sore, with a headache, but surprisingly puke-free. and strangely, i couldn't shake the thought that the handsome man may have bitten my bottom, though i have no proof either way. anyway, who could blame him? it had just been waxed and polished.

delicious! like fruit.



October 09, 2006
teh bitchez!

blogger won't let me do anything today, and here i was, about to tell you all about my birthday exploits.

my other task for today was a blog redesign on behalf of my lovely friend laurieann. but blogger gives her nothing! NOTHING!

goddammotherfuckingcocksuckingtittielickingbloodyassholesonofabitch.


i guess now would be a good time to just point out i've messed with the sidebar again, and there are some new people if you're interested.

have a nice day.



October 03, 2006
i'm old, not dead

i'm sorry i haven't checked in. there will be a post about the birthday festivities, as promised, but things have been a little off at my palatial estate.

over the last few days julius boon seemed a little groggy and uninterested in his food. i thought maybe this was a delayed response to leonard nimoy, or a boycott of the cat dishes' relocation to the totally inconvenient countertop (pickles has taken to binging on catfood). on saturday evening julius crawled into my lap (this never happens.) and stayed there for THREE WHOLE HOURS. he might as well have erected a giant sign in the living room. all was not well.

he spent most of sunday in my lap, like an eleven-pound ball of hot hot fire and cat boogers. i for sure have pms because i was convinced he would die and i spent most of the day fighting the chinese chestnut in my throat. on the bright side, leonard nimoy also cuddled in my lap, and it was a pigpile of kitty lovin. apart from the possible death in progress, i rather enjoyed it.


please ignore the girl behind the kitties.


leonard nimoy had also been sneezing a bit, but it didn't seem all that important, especially in comparison to the awesome diarrhea he's been rocking since his arrival. he's been on meds, but they don't seem to be doing anything. in fact, when i looked them up on the wise and all powerful internets, one of the side effects listed for the anti-diarrheal is diarrhea.

huh.

monday morning i awoke to a wheezy cathead and a very sweaty leg next to where he had been sleeping. i tucked my sweet yammie* back into bed and took pickles for his walk. while on the phone with the cat vet, i noticed pickles' armpit looked like someone used a cheese grater on it. as i looked closer, i realized he is once again covered in spots. (for those of you unfamiliar with the pickles legacy, let's just say it's a long one.) (beginning here and occuring most recently here.)

so i called his vet too.

the dog vet couldn't fit us in, but since this is a pretty common occurence in our home, she wrote an emergency prescription (or as she called it, "the usual") and scheduled something for later in the week. in the meantime, i gave him a bath (medicated shampoo makes my hands tingle!) and vacuumed/washed all the rugs and bedding. it was really fun. like dentist and gynocologist in the same day kind of fun.

but it didn't stop there! i also got to pile the cats into the car and drive them (and their tiny (but constant) meows of utter and complete pain, terror, and resignation to the futility of it all) all the way to the vet, where we discovered julius had a fever of 104.3 degrees. HE WAS BOILING! i mean, normal for a cat is 100ish, which is also boiling i guess, but my yammie! he was like a cat full of burning lava! nimoy has no bugs, so his poo problem is a mystery. mystery poo is better than worm poo i guess. as long as it's in the box, it's not really an issue. (thank god for clumping litter. seriously.) he got some more medicine, as maybe that will help, and also just in case he is a carrier of the evil booger virus that struck down my julius, who got a shot, and some pills, and is already feeling much better. better enough to eat some food (i had to go buy the other kind, because that cat? he won't eat the same one leonard nimoy eats. he is special. and you shouldn't forget that), but still sick enough to sit in my lap again. hooray! i mean, get well soon!



*julius+ tuber themed nickname (all my pets receive one) = orange potato = yam



golden state