reasons # 38 and 109

why my new job rules:

#38: basket of portable fruits! for me to eat from! everyday! mmmm, delicious.

#39: the bathroom handsoap (and thus my hands) smells of pina colada.

i posted at nick's house

go there to see my new drawing. i don't have ms paint at work now, so i'm exploring illustrator. things are going to get interesting.

nick's house in the middle of nick's street!

conspiracy!

i believe that miss universe 2006 should be summarily disqualified based on the following evidence:

exhibit a: person of interest

exhibit b: potentially the same person of interest
(though clearly pre-mystic tan)

it is apparent that either

(a) through voodoo magic and trickery she has stolen michael jackson's face,
(b) michael has not only become a woman, but successfully entered and won a pageant, thereby beginning a new career, or
(c) he has given up on trying to alter his own looks, and is now slowly working his way through the general population.

any of these possibilities is cause for alarm. i am puzzled as to how this was allowed to occur. wasn't any one paying attention??? for shame, the donald. for shame.

too bad, so sad *UPDATED*

we interrupt your regularly scheduled reading to bring you sad news. yesterday, at approximately 10 o’clock pm, two members of the * golden state * family perished. it was quite unexpected, but already they have made a name for themselves in local mythology, taking their rightful place among the gods. some might say their end was a result of the heat, some just believe that they lost their will to live. i’ve heard it said that they rode off into a golden sunset, never to be seen again. either way, they’re gone.

they were instrumental in the efforts i made to love myself, tirelessly working from the day we met to make me feel beautiful. they were a shining beacon in the night, a secret pride. were it not for their obvious inability to remain, i would have loved them until the day i died.

we had some good times together, the three of us. in fact, i thought we’d get to see forever, but forever’s gone away. at least i’ll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain. it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

goodbye, sweet nipple rings. goodbye. had you ever healed completely (even once, at any point in these many years) and not given me reason to believe my breasts might abscess and rot off, we would be buried together, to spend an eternity as titanium coated steel and skeletal remains anywhere but in a jewish cemetery.

i invite you to use this opportunity to share your fondest memories of the departed with the many others who are so deeply grieving.


*UPDATE* well, it was just too much. i put the little fuckers back in. i wasn't ready! they were too young to die!

i'm thinking maybe better quality jewelry will end the irritation. i've had decent luck with titanium, but most titanium is just a coating. once the coating is gone, so is the relief. next phase: gold. white, not yellow.

except $221 for one golden nipple ring? that's highway robbery! stick em up!


and to appease the masses, here is a picture of not my boobs(NSFW) that i snagged from the interweb.

note: my boobs are bigger, my piercings horizontal. also i try not to have my girls be on the first page of results on google.

working girl

first item of business: they added another afoostic show and i seriously must get tickets or i will be ruined.

second item of business: i want nick and jiggs to come here and take me to see clerks II. also i need a date for pirates.

third:

today was my first day at work.

i think i LURVED it! exclamation point!

mostly i get to keep track of everything- which gives me pleasure of inordinate magnitude- as i am naturally a controlling anal retentive busy body, or as i like to say, "perfect in every way."

i have a work station where fjorken van der bean will soon take his rightful place, and i get a business card and a parking pass and a tiny little usb thingie for my key chain that stores information. which clearly makes me a SPY.

most importantly, now that i have something to do with my life again, i am feeling much more like a human van der bean. and thus i am working on another installment in the epic chronicles of my body's mutations. i know you're excited.

now back away from the monitor. new job protocol. please shield your eyes.

confetti!

i got a job! not this job.... a real one!

*shimmy*

half boring, half stupid. you decide which is which.

i realize i have not been posting alot lately, but there's really not much to post about. my days revolve around the programming blocks on TNT (i love you tyne daly, please come to my house for pie) and the free stuff on craigslist. so far today i could have a horse trailer, a couple of guinea pigs, a cat, some broken stuff, and a package of adult diapers. not bad.

obviously without a job, i don't get out much. mostly i cruise the internet job listings and sit around knitting. that's okay though, because of the 8 items i want to make for my immediate family for the holidays, i now have 2.5 done. next is a hat and a scarf of my own design, this shirt (in bright bright red), and the fat-bottom bag (as seen here by meilynne to match this shawl, which has but half to go! (that's only seven items... number eight comes later.)

i may have also started a sweater for myself, and might also be dreaming about some other sweater (it has charts!), and maybe also socks, which are hard and so probably not going to be happening any time soon. it's the "hard" that holds me back... not the 5676676 projects i have already started.

finished item number one: the spiral scarf, and it's lovely, if just a little floppier than i intended. i'm thinking of knitting up a small swatch to see if washing it will shrink it up a bit.



finished item number two: to go with, i have made a lovely spiral hat, modeled here by an unwilling Boy.



up close.
gasp! shock! awe!

i'm also making a spiral bag in matte black and sparkly black to match. i think it will be a nice set. spirally!

elsewhere in the apartment, while Boy is at work, julius boon, ph.d., hides in the dark caverns of the comforter, drinking bourbon and coffee and furiously writing his dissertation on oral weaponry.



he has conducted extensive research and is proving to be quite the authority on the subject.

pickles, on the other hand, spends a lot of time sleeping. his behavior is all weird lately- he's hungry more, and he's always thirsty. now, this *could* be a result of his prescription, but i'm no fool. i know what's really going on. you can tell just by looking at him.

resolution

i don't know what's wrong with me lately, other than the gaping hole where my soul used to be, but i was just reading my archives and i have to say, where has the funny gone?

seriously, i was pretty amusing for a while, like pretty much up until the car accident, and then intermittently afterwards up until about two months ago. but why???

after extensive research (google's "i feel lucky"), i believe i am moving very slowly through the stages of grief following the untimely death of naushad ali. which is totally understandable, right? i mean, he was only 86 and a half. we barely had any time together before it was too late.

so, in the light of knowledge, i think it is safe to say that i am resolving to expedite the grieving process in the interest of retaining my friends and the attention of my lovely internet stalkers. either that or i'll kill myself*, and live for eternity in a really comfortable sari that not only doesn't bind at the waist but also allows me to dance forever as the bright and shining star of my very own highly ornate bollywood musical.

like this, but without nicole kidman.



*joke. please do not email me me in a tizzy.

meg the meg

i am drunk again, and alone.

Boy and i went out, then he disappeared, and i am home and he is not. i do not know what to do or what this means.

also? i'm tired but i don't want to go to sleep in case he needs me.

but he doesn't need me.

and i mean that in the broadest sense.

and now i am drunk and alone and sad.

and desirous (real word? who knows.) of taco bell.