December 14, 2006
won't you be my neighbor?

last night was supposed to be perfect. exBoy had his holiday party after work, and thus the apartment was gloriously empty. mine! all mine! my excitement was so great, i drew up an agenda:

i left work early to insure best use of my time, and it was going quite well for a while. i did all my chores and ate my delicious burrito and pranced about and then practiced my acceptance speech for the professional prancer awards. i may have done some naked mirror dancing (i may not) and it may have been highly interpretive of my abuse of the cable box’s “on demand karaoke" features.

then i decided to color my hair, so it would be fresh and bright for the holidays.

this is where things went wrong. nakedly wrong.

i applied the hairdye as i usually do, which is to say i shmooshed it all over my head with much vim and vigor. i even do my eyebrows, because nobody likes a girl with non-matchy eyebrows. since i am so thorough, sometimes i end up with dye in my ears or on my chin or whatever but i just scrub at it a bit with dye remover and all is well.

just a bit later, safely in the shower and in the throes of my intensive scrubbing process, the smoke alarm went off for no reason. and then the dog started whining, his poor doggie ears. and then the cats- the siamese leonard nimoy cat especially- started running back and forth, meowing loudly and with impressive dramatic delivery.

the combination of sounds was deafening.

i jumped from the shower and tried to pull the detector from the wall but it was just beyond my grasp. moments seemed like incredibly painful hours as i grabbed the nearest thing to boost myself and fumbled with the battery. i finally got the damn thing out and it fell to the floor… and yet the detector kept beeping. i pressed buttons. still beeping. i pulled wires. still beeping. i screamed, “shut up you filthy gutterwhore!” and still! it was beeping!

i looked around desperately but there was no one to help. pickles was hiding and the cats continued their cross-apartment operatic tour. i stood there listening to it all and I panicked.

i grabbed a towel and ran for the door.

i knocked at the building manager’s door but no one was home, so i went to the only apartment with a light on: the middle-aged dorky guy with the roommate i’ve never seen and the single strand of red christmas lights above the door. really, what’s the point there? it looks more like the door to a brothel than a joyous celebration of the season. but beggars can’t be choosers, and cold, wet, undressed beggars especially.

i stood there nervously waiting for him to answer, wondering what he might say (it puts the lotion on its skin? what’s your favorite scary movie?) and holding my towel closed and trying not to drip half-rinsed hair water on anything, and just as the door opened the beeping stopped.

so i casually explained the situation and apologized for bothering him since the problem seemed to have resolved itself, and he looked at me and looked at me some more and so i adjusted the towel just a bit for coverage and he said, “do you want me to look it up on the internet? because you should probably go back inside before you catch a chill.”

then i blushed a little (nakedly) and thanked him (nakedly) and went home to finish my shower, after which i did eat mangos (nakedly) and knit (nakedly) and dwell in my neighbor’s mind nakedly forever.


Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I'm sure every man who reads this blog now wishes they had been your neighbor, if only so they could tell people the story about the girl who showed up in a towel.
I miss naked time.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I can't stop thinking about your nakedness now. I need a moment.

Also, the expression "filthy gutterwhore" is not used nearly enough, in my opinion.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Smoke alarms HURT. I feel your pain.

Blogger jiggs said...

I do lots of naked dancing in the mirror. It's so fun! sometimes I stop dancing for a moment and do my impression of an uptight Brit disliking his own nudity.

Perhaps I revealed too much with this...

Blogger Nick said...

Not just your neighbor's mind.

(I'm trying to channel my inner Todd)

Blogger yournamehere said...

This is the best post ever. As a middle aged dorky guy my own damn self, filthy thoughts are racing through my mind.

Blogger Thérèse said...

This? This is thee best nakedly story I've read in a long time.

Also, I find mangoes to be messy. I think eating them nakedly would be good. Easier to clean up the mess. What fun!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, the nakedness story is hilarious, but HOLY SHIT... Who is that freak on You Tube with EIGHT CATS?!?!?!
Didn't he see that "Got Milk?" commercial? They will smother him in his sleep and take over. Run,Forrest, Run!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha! I love this story...reminds me of fire drill in college where I was in the shower and a hot RA opened my curtain, handed me a towel and said, "You're going to be the most popular girl out on the lawn, missy." And then he walked me down to stand admist 1,000 of my clothed peers.

Blogger Tim said...

In this world I think there's probably more "My smoke alarm started beeping for no reason" stories than there is "my smoke alarm notified me of a fire I somehow hadn't noticed" stories.

Blogger Monkey said...

Your "meowing loudly" link is going to give me nightmares. If you EVER have that many animals in your house, I'm coming out there and staging an intervention.

Otherwise... I enjoyed this nakedly post very much. You just did more, nakedly, than you had anticipated.

Blogger amera hearts said...

that's freaking awesome.


this cheered me up and awakened me just a bit. i'm dead tired!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I am so glad I was forewarned about the link. If I had to hear demon cats screaming loudly, I would have lost it. Instead, I have the image of you prancing around nakedly, slurping mango. Serene, lovely.

Blogger me said...

omg. our fire alarm went off like 8 million times today and my ears wanted to burst.

napoleon tried to escape into the hallway and earl hid for his life...

i ran around in circles.

i am not prepared for crisis.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I am simultaneously exhausted by hilarity and arousal.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone's wondering...
Did you post that nakedly as well?

Blogger MadMeer said...

"practiced my acceptance speech for the professional prancer awards." Hahahaha! Just when you think you're alone in the world! :)

Ooh -A long time ago a guy came pounding on my door in nothing but his tighty whities and socks. Usually this would end in: "then we tipped him extra," but this time there really was a fire. He probably saved my life, but it was still funny seeing him run panicked up and down the stairs in his undies banging on everyone's doors.

BTW -I got the goodness and have posted mad thank yous for you to bask in.

Blogger JenL said...

That is hilarious. Thank you for sharing the story with us. As for the neighbor, no doubt, you made his year.

So what did you knit? And how did your hair turn out?

Blogger jamwall said...

i would have nakedly taken a hammer and nakedly "dislodged" it from the ceiling...nakedly..

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Having a dripping wet towel-wrapped girl suddenly show up at your door is how all the great love stories begin. (or at least the great hot sex stories.) The fact that your neighbor did not manage to parlay your nearly-naked encounter into some kind of bedroom action is something that will, I'm sure, haunt him for the rest of his days.

"Dear Diary: Today the hot girl from down the hall showed up at my door, out of breath, her ample heaving busom covered only by a towel. Nothing happened.

I hate my life."

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I am so happy you had the foresight to grab the towel.

Smoke alarms = the devil.

Blogger Abby Hansen said...

Just try to think of this as a random act of kindness bestowed upon your neighbor...after all, how often do naked women show up at this guy's apartment pleading for help?

Great f%^&ing story.

Your hair looked great, BTW.

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