miracle of miracles! broke up with Boy (thank god) and then-
wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, fit into my jeans again!
that’s right, children. we are experiencing our second christmas miracle of the season. one more, and i'm ready for canonization. first was the enchanted silver shoes that-- despite being a measly size nine-- fit comfortably on my oversized hagrid feet. BUT! even more impressive than that… the second miracle: today i have been restored to my full luster. i am polished and sparkling like new, breathtaking and resplendent in my numinous glory, for i am wearing the Hot Ass Jeans.
these jeans are astonishing. they give me the illusion of a fine booty where, truthfully speaking, there is but a mediocre one. i paid a whole lot of money for those jeans based solely on their tremendous repertoire of ass magic. sadly, over the last year (and in direct correlation with the snowball-like decline of my relationship), i grew somewhat larger and so the jeans were relegated to the depths of my diy-assembly particleboard armoire, never to be seen again.
UNTIL… this very day, as i dressed for work and mused aloud how nice it would be to have jeans of such caliber once again, and then removed them lovingly from their place of rest at the bottom of the pants pile, and was heartened by the feel of their soft denim in my hands and so timidly slipped one leg on just to see… then LO! by your powers combined, (earth! fire! wind! water! heart!!!!!!) i am captain planet!
you know, if captain planet were totally cute and single and up for parading his sweet behind all about town. and it’s ok if he is. i don’t judge.