December 18, 2006
the longest weekend makes for the crappiest post

i am tired. very very tired. i did a whole weekend by saturday afternoon, and then did another. because i am so exhausted and mildy depressed (you will soon learn why), i will give you the run down of my weekend in nugget form. because everything is better when it’s processed within an inch of its life, then fried, and also dipped in sweet n’ sour sauce. nuggets: they’re what’s for dinner.

friday night was my holiday party. i wore a black satin top and the sequined pants. there was open bar, and amazing foods (tiny bbq short ribs. mojito shrimp! mmmmm), and girls in shiny bikinis and feather headdresses that shaked their booties for us. next year, i’m weaing that.

as is, many many people have pictures of my shiny bottom, (i hope to procure you some) and also pictures of me chatting up the waiter. will (that’s his name) looked like this (bald version) and i drowned my sorrows in his dreamy eyes (and about seven martinis brought to me by he of the dreamy eyes) because as i sort of suspected, my crush is Gay. ASIDE: the strange part is that i’m relieved. i really like his company, and i’m not interested in really liking someone right now. i’m not ready coach! so conveniently, i now have a new friend to drag around. and make no mistake, he will be my friend. i’ve already decided and drawn up a schedule and everything. i planned out our whole day. first, we'll make snow angels for two hours, and then we'll go ice skating and then we'll eat a whole roll of tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then, to finish, we'll snuggle.

anyway, the conversation was as follows:
drunken me: my crush is the Gay. so i have decided to transfer all of my affections to you.
waiter will: you might run into the same problem.
drunken me: yeah, i figured. but it’s only one night. you can pretend.

the next day i woke up all dizzy and surprised to be in my own bed. laurieann and i had some breakfast and then we went to

it was fabulous. we saw over a hundred vendors, including many whose theme seemed to be “conjoined items” and one who sold vagina pillow cases. some will be added to my sidebar over the next weekish (maybe, depending on work) and i might do a more detailed bazaar bizaare post in order to give appropriate props, but here are some awesome pictures from our adventure:

this is a cake. for eating. if it doesn’t burn you alive with its mind first.

my new desk ornament. her name is heathers.

my new painting, "applecorn", part of a series ( acorn, popcorn, cornbeef!) by the AMAZINGLY clever steph lehman (cornbeef, people. cornbeef! i love her.), who i think i scared a little with all my crazy talk, and possibly now have scared more by declaring my love on the internets. she had these gloves that one hand had embroided dog poo and the other had an embroidered fly. ha! i love strange crafts, and this place was full of them.

also at bazaar bizaare was the swap-o-rama rama, where i donated a smallish bag of clothing, and left with a hefty bag full of new clothing and fabrics. i’m like an ant- i carry several times my body weight.

and still! there’s more! this post is long and unwieldy like a whale penis.

saturday evening i took amtrak to san diego for sarah smile's birthday, where we ate good foods and i embarrassed myself in the fancy restaurant by assuming everyone knew as much about creepy fetishes as i do. i met luca brasi (so cute), got some stellar sarah-crafted jammies, and then promptly passed out on the couch. from exhaustion, not crack cocaine or anything like that.

in the morning sarah’s shower abused my delicate nipples with its super kungfu water pressure and i cried until it gave me flowers and promised never to do it again. then sarah and i went to joann’s fabrics, where i pulled so much fabric out that the lady came over and accosted me because she thought i was just making a mess. but no, i really bought it all. thank goodness for 50% off sales. right now my truck is full of fabric and styrofoam heads. don’t ask.

on the train back to LA, a college boy flirted with me. though he was too young, he was reading t.h. white so i let him flirt away. it made me feel good because he wasn’t gay.

the cherry on the top of my weekend was a little holiday gathering of my friends, where I disbursed my holiday goodness and we ate chicken and hummus and fig newtons. it was delightful, and if not for having to unpack and shower and work and get my whole damn life in order so i can go on vacation worry-free at the end of the week, i might have stayed forever.

if you made it this far, i applaud you, and reward you with this:

saturday marked the very first of many future juliusaversaries, and in honor of his glorious orangeness, and my undying and somewhat creepy love for him, i give you jooooooooolius! the most esteemed rabbi julius boon, phd.


Blogger yournamehere said...

Yes, it was a long post, but your "delicate nipples" are all I can think about right now.

Blogger Brookelina said...

He's gay. I knew it. I hate it when I'm right about that stuff. Did he wear the gold lame?

I missed everything in this post betweenmy delicate nipples and the pictures of Julius. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Anonymous Annika said...

I love you! I'm sorry your weekend exhausted you. But your HolidayGoodness made me SO HAPPY. For real.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Dear Julius,

Meow meow. Miaw, mew mew meow. Meow?

Meow! Miao, miao, miao.


Blogger Sysm said...

That was a very long post. I, too, am now exhausted.

By proxy.

Not "bi, peroxide". That's your bartender friend.

Blogger jiggs said...

that julius has whiskers in spades!

I think it's funny the way you referred to your crush as "the gay".

Did you know that in addition to newtons, there is a competing cookie bar named after leibniz (after the competing inventor of calculus).

Blogger Nick said...

awesome post.

Whale penis, ftw!

Blogger JenL said...

Julius Boon is so cute. And I'm not a cat person.

I love your schedule. I don't suppose you might choose to do all of those things with James Caan instead?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me get this straight (no pun intended)...this weekend you got guilt-fee oogling and (soon to be) guilt-free snuggling, free clothing, styrofoam heads, fig newtons, and Luca time? That is a FABULOUS weekend!

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

The acorn made me laugh the hardest.

Blogger Uccellina said...

That first photo of Julius is my favorite photo of Julius ever. I want to print it out and frame it and hang it above my bed. And I would, too, if Gawain wouldn't get jealous and angry and smother me in my sleep.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

When I moved in, I had permanently erect nipples for a week, because of my shower's kungfu water pressure.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I've been crushing on a guy I thought was I found out he's not and I'm positively confused.

I don't think life is worth living without my own vagina pillow. You can bet your sweet ass I'll be using my 50% Joann coupon to make it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

F'ing blogger beta keeps eating my comments.

I SAID that I often develop crushes on gay boys because I know they won't break my heart. Except for my husband as he is a straight boy...I'm not sure what happened there.

And also your naked post made me spit coffee on myself.

Blogger Tim said...

I echo Nick. Great post. I have nothing else to add.

Blogger MadMeer said...

I love esteemed rabbi julius boon, phd, and yet, I respect him deeply.

Heathers scares me.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Wait - YOU HAD CHICKEN?!?!!!!

Blogger GrandPooOfAwesome said...

Oh my Jesus, someone sent me some cool magnets! You have no idea how excited I was. I wish you could've heard me at my mailbox, cuz everybody else did. Thanks for being so AWESOME. I would take a picture and make a to-do if I could find my fucking camera.

And also, this post is hilarious and you are a genius.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Laughed. out. loud. Like, as in, Arizona iced green tea came out my nose. At what you ask? "this post is long and unwieldy like a whale penis."

You are too fun.

And the Carrie cake?!?!?! Make it stop!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to make out with you right. Now.

And Julius Boon, too.

Christ, I love you.

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

St. Julius. He's handsome.

Blogger karla said...

Those delicate nipples of yours deserve a nice, non-gay man.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Can you make some "Rabbi Julius Boon for president" bumper stickers?

Blogger Monkey said...

yeah, i figured. but it’s only one night. you can pretend.

I love you.

Blogger karla said...

I don't like sitting next to Common Wombat in the comment box. Can you move him away from me?

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