November 13, 2006
the war of the roses *UPDATED*

*i corrected the errors, and also, i just thought you all should know i've decided to start responding to comments again. that is all.*

this past weekend, at Chez i'm-gonna-stab-you-in-the-eye-if-you-don't-stop-
talking-oh-say,-right--this-fucking-minute, there were a few moments where i thought my most recent post might be my last, because i'm pretty sure they don't let you blog from deathrow, although i could be wrong because this is california.

then i got to thinking about how deathrow might not be that bad, because shirley bellinger got to knit right up until they snapped her little neck. and lord knows that's a lifestyle i could get behind.

anyway, friday night i went to the drinking place (TheKennedy was in attendance) and i escaped after only one drink. here's the tradeoff- the work friend with whom i was talking, that sly minx, hugged him on his way out, creating tear in the space time continuum allowing for my immediate transport to that delightfully awkward place where it only becomes more obvious that i want to sniff him if i don't hug him like she did. minx.

and i had my giant bag, and you can't just put down a giant bag in a bar, so i hugged him from a strange angle that forced his arm to graze my boobs (unintentional!) and then drove home in a panic, trying desperately to smell myself as if i were a stranger. what do i smell like at 8pm on a friday?

the people in traffic next to me must have thought i was having a seizure as i tried to watch the road from the inside of my own armpit. not surprisingly, i still smell like cookies... and silent suffering. which, incidentally, smells like cookies. we've come full circle, and all is well.

upon my arrival at home, exBoy was out. when i traveled back in internet time (via the underused ALT+H command), i discovered his recent re-sign-uptitude (shut it) to matchdotcom. this was something i was expecting, despite his lingering advances, but i wasn't excited to see that his profile is, in summary, looking for (and quite specifically) exactly what i am not. or that his profile picture is way unflattering. because that's a reflection on me too, you know! i spent the last three years with you, buddy! pull it together!

and gradually suddenly i realized i find it rather embarrassing that i allowed this to go on as long as it did. who is this person? and more frighteningly, who was i? how could i be even remotely shocked to see his attempts at playing both sides after all this time?

i suppose this new information, coupled with the giddiness surrounding the evening's earlier bodily contact did little to aid in my receptiveness to exBoy's encroaching on my space, but when he got back, the tiny orchestra in my head (formal attire required!) started in with a little flight of the valkyries and the application of red paint to the nipples (i said it was formal, don't act all surprised) and i so knew.

it was on.

he promptly started with the constant needling, and i got worked up, as i tend to do, because i can't seem to understand how one person could be so simultaneously arrogant, conniving, manipulative and absolutely fucking retarded (no offense). it's like magic- he's david blaine, but even more pointless. how is that even possible???? his final trick is disappearing all the good memories, one by one.

either way, i made myself feel better. he went out for a ride, and i taped over all his amateur porn vidoes with footage of my cats doing cat things, like eating, and chewing his speaker wires, and licking their own buttholes.

brothers gotta hug!



36 Comments:

Blogger yournamehere said...

Ha! That is not the pussy he's going to want to watch. Good for you.

Blogger Sharon said...

Nice kitties! My ex kept going on Yahoo Personals, go on a date,and come back to me. I kept taking him back like an idiot. So, when he left (3 times), he didn't just leave me for another woman...it was all other woman. How annoying. I hate that.

Blogger Calzone said...

You should fuck his Dad. That always pisses guys like him off.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

It doesn't suprise me that boy had a back up plan. Without you around, there will be no one to watch TV with, right?

Oh well.

A cute boy touched your boobie!

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I will have to remember the taping-over-the-porn revenge, that is fantastic!

Blogger jiggs said...

that sly minx!

take comfort in the fact that you'd have to be pretty pungent for the average boy to notice your smelliness, should you ever become smelly. My female friends sometimes complain to me about their stench and I can't smell anything but daisies.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow - that is one crazy environment you are living in. Good move on the porn-kitty switcheroo.

Is there anyway to hack is match.dom profile? There must be some opportunity for hijinks there.

Blogger Stephieface said...

I've been in the ex still living with you area... its never good. Though, the tactic my guy friends took was thus, when the ex came home say hi and whatnot- then explain that some of them rubbed their balls and ass cracks with things that belonged to him. They just never stated which things, and left. Leaving him to wonder about what things were now tainted.
He didn't stay long after that.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

so i like reading your blawg. it keeps me sane at work.

i'm intrigued by this cookie smell.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Your html seems a little effed up there in the middle. At least for me.

Anyway, how can you have time for a new boy when Wombat and I are holdin' it down for you on the East side?

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I think it would be rather ... ummm, as you say ...

"frighttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifhtening"

to live with an exBoy whom I am beginning to lathe more & more each day. I remember how much contempt I had for Brad the Clown at the end, and if I were forced to see him day after day, well ... murder is only about 3 steps away from contempt.

Strangely, I also saw him on match.com. I am beginning to believe that site is the work of Satan's minions.


Any possible way you could float above the horror and NOT snoop on his recent internet dalliances? You're only driving yourself cuckoo doing so.

And move the fuck out of that house. I have a spare room, you know.

I love thee.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Ha ha, I said "lathe". Well, that's one solution I suppose. I meant "loathe".

Also, I think we should all make fake match.com profiles and start trying to seduce exBoy at match, just to fuck with him.

Let us, let us!

I've had alteregos before, I can do it again.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Tell him I will PAY him not to be such an asshole to you.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I want to punch exBoy in the geyserhole.

Then I want to snuggle with you like Julius Boon and Leonard Nimoy.

Blogger me said...

so i'm cheesy and late but i just saw "the break up" last night and i totally didn't like the ending i dunno. i'm a sucker for catharsis and that just didn't satisfy me enough but is that kinda what you're going through right now? with the waxing things into shapes and walking around all nude? maybe not on your part?

Blogger miss kendra said...

yournamehere: have i mentioned that he pretty much hates the cats? and also, he would make sweet sweet love to his speaker given the chance? this is all well thought out. the cats are finally doing their part.

sharon: yeah, he's been doing this off and on for the last three years. i never mentioned it before on here, but i knew all along. guys like that should be sterilized.

calzone: i assume you speak from experience? who's dad was it, dear? you can tell me anything.

sassy: i know, right? he needs someone to distract him from his misery. preferably someone with a tight little body. (i just threw up in my mouth.)

boobie!

knitty kitty: this wasn't purely revenge... it was also to insure i could run for president someday, if the desire ever strikes. catch my drift?

jiggs: i appreciate that. maybe we should make daisy cookies and see how that smells?

she was so sly!

moe: i could i suppose. but i won't. i don't want to get myself the kind of karma that would get me another Boy.

stephieface: hehehe. he did just get a new toothbrush.

kimberlina: it's not that complicated really. i smell nice and warm, like delicious cookies. it's only part of my appeal.

acw: fixed, but geez. how are you the only person who mentioned this to me????? i appreciate it.

also, you guys are my eastside boyz. no doubt.

spinning girl: he and i met on match, and i always had a little doubt about his status right at the very beginning. match is the devil. but i might go back on for a dinner or two, depending on how poor i get. is that wrong?

i am trying to save up to leave. if only someone i didn't know i was related to would die after a very full life and leave me their millions. *le sigh*

and the other thing? i'm all for it. i'll email you his user name.

sarah smile: he would let you pay, but i guarantee it wouldn't help.

tits: he has a huge geyserhole. and the snuggling sounds delightful.

me: nobody's waxing anything. it's more the part where she comes home to his gross party and is horrified to discover that's the type of person he is. because what does that mean about the time they spent together? was it nothing at all?

except that in that movie, vince vaughn seems human somewhat at the end, and i'm sure that won't happen here.

Blogger Thérèse said...

I hope you are taking delight in your proactive ways of dealing with them.

Because I certainly am.

And he's probably mostly angry because he no longer has you.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Boys are all stupid and horny. That's their nature. Unless you get them "fixed", but then they're no fun.

And how sad is it that I've actually contemplated going to prison - simply b/c you could knit all the time, get 3 square meals and not have to worry about stuff like paying bills and getting waxed?

Blogger Übermilf said...

I speak from experience when I say you will forgive (or forget about) him long before you forgive yourself for hooking up with such an idiot in the first place.

But at least you didn't marry him, so you'll always be smarter than me.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Have I ever told you you're my hero?

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I met Brad the Clown on match, that's how I discovered he was back on, so very soon after our breakup. Like 1 day soon.

Blogger Faith said...

Girl - get a damn Xanax - and put it in his applesauce. You know that's what I do....

Blogger me said...

ugh...

like a knife to the chest that part was...

he will rot in heck for his ways...

continue to smell like cookies and feel freedom in your realisation that he was an ass. i know two of them. i can have him killed if you'd like. you don't have to know...

Blogger jiggs said...

do you think daisy cookies would be tasty or just smell good?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA!! I LOVE it! All I ever did was use my ex's tape for kite string, but you thought of something really good. This has made my day!
On a more serious note... I am so sorry about exboy shithead.

Oh, and good luck with TheKennedy.

Blogger eebmore said...

Ooooo - trapped in a lease with your - ooooo - been there. done that. I recommend you both find a way out of that living situation, like, yesterday, before you both find yourselves turning into bubbling cauldrons of hatred. A similar situation turned me into the world’s biggest bitch-man for nearly a year.

Oh, and I’ve developed a crush on the poor neighbor who had to sleep on my couch that I was yammering on about before. I haven’t smelled her yet, though. I went over to her place last night to borrow peppercorns. Peppercorns? I felt so shamed for using a lack of peppercorns as an excuse to invade her privacy, I couldn’t even look her in the eye. sigh. I am a loser. But she saved my broccoli.

Blogger scumbag said...

i'm supposed to come tell you how fabulous you are.

Blogger Monkey said...

This is... hands down one of the best posts I've ever read. I fall more in love with you every day.

I like Spinning Girl's idea. And Übermilf is always right. Damn her. But she's right. It's been three years now... and I abrade myself on a daily basis for marrying the boy's father. He's on matchhandmaidenofthedevildotcom also. The way they describe themselves is funny, until I gag on my own vomit and need a lift to the hospital.

The boobie brush hug sounds delicious. Delicious I tell you!

I must read this again. There was so much yummy goodness, not the least of which is the inspired pussy porn tape switch.

Blogger Colleen said...

Next time you tape your cats - decorate them with tassles!

Blogger tfg said...

...footage of my cats doing cat things, like eating, and chewing his speaker wires, and licking their own buttholes.

Is there an address that we can order these tapes from?

Blogger miss kendra said...

therese: he's probably mostly angry because he is a GIANT ASSHOLE. but thank you.

monkeygurrrrl: i know. maybe we can be cellmates. i won't even make you my bitch. unless you want to be.

ubermilf: it's true, i didn't marry him. and now i may never marry at all.

brookelina: yes. i am also the wind beneath your wings, but really i'm just under there to get a better look at your boobies.

spinnerina: match is awful! awful! what is wrong with us? i know there must be decent people on there, but good grief. my next person will be computer illiterate, for my personal peace of mind.

faith: i think i need it more. now rat poison....

me: i'm still the beneficiary of his life insurance, so it might look suspicious. but thank you.

jiggs: i think they'd probably look and smell and taste terrible. but it's for science.

quirkalot: i can be evil when necessary. you know, it's genetic.

eebmore: i know. the only problem is, i need like two grand. and i have oh, maybe six hundred dollars. maybe.

peppercorns are delicious, so don't feel bad. the fact that this girl had some to give you means it was meant to be.

scumbag: i know. i am fabulous.

monkey: thank you! i love you as well.

why are all these horrible exes on match? is it a magnet for creeps?

anytime you'd like to brush my boobie, you feel free. it's right near my armpit, you know.

colleen: i don't think they'd like that. well, nimoy maybe. he's a little fey.

tfg: not only do they lick their own, but sometimes they lick each other's.

i've just freaked myself out. 

Blogger Monkey said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new look! Oh my. I cannot stop looking at myself.

Thank you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...


The monkey told me to come over here. And until I get my pay..I'm not leaving!

Blogger Autumn said...

aw butt licking :)

btw, i was wondering what happened to "boy" i guess i was asleep or something because i fell a little behind obviously ...

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I love that you taped over his amateur porn and I love you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ExBoy is a fugging moron. Seriously! Who doesn't clean out the history of a shared computer? Especially if one has been on match or other websites like that. Moron. Moron. Moron.

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