November 21, 2006
for the love of god, coddle me

my lungs are thick. i simply must find a fainting couch or confine myself to bed immediately.

now, a story.

next door to a lovely local yarn store that i enjoy visiting, there is a questionable looking building, sans windows, and with but one lonely sign hinting at what lies within its darkened doors. the building and its sign are pure white, and in a most uninteresting serif font the sign reads simply, "roman holiday." mostly i ignored this place. until...

one day last week, my coworker asked me to accompany her to the yarn store and help pick out supplies for her own goodness endeavors. we got some burritos (i love burritos. i could eat like ten right now) and headed off to fondle the glorious yarns. as we approached the building, i made sure to point out the odd roman holiday place and suggest possible explanations for its ominousness. ominousity? whatever.

then i suggested we go in. much to my surprise, she agreed, and in we went. once safely past the heavy (and again windowless) door, at a glass-encased counter much like one would find in a liquor store in say, south central, we found a small man who eyed us suspiciously and then listed roman holiday's services. then the inner door opened and i couldn't help but glance inside.

i thanked the man for his information, and pulled my friend out the door and into the yarn store, where i tried desperately to make the memories go away. i was placated with some lovely julius colored malabrigo, which is now a lovely julius colored purse. the comfort only lasted so long though, as the memories swiftly returned.

because where you're from, roman holiday might be a classic audry hepburn movie, but where i live, it's a gay bath and health spa (as described by the man behind the glass) where i can see someone's naked grandpa on my friday afternoon lunch break.



25 Comments:

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Tee-hee.
I mean that's terrible.
Awful.
Bad, and not funny at all.

And perhaps I gave you the Turkey Flu. If so, I'm very sorry.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

that is fantastic.
I am aching for some new yarn. I just finished a lovely skirt!

Blogger Faith said...

Dude - all you had to do was ask. I knew it was a bathhouse all along. Something for me and my lovely husband all on one block. We can carpool!!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

We will close our eyes, think of Gregory Peck, and never speak of this again.

Blogger Brookelina said...

We will think of Gregory Peck when he was young and handsome and in Roman Holiday. That was the reference there.

I'm old.

Blogger Sachi said...

I will not sleep tonight. Or tomorrow night.

Feel better.

We were just over there the other day and wondering about wtf a "Roman Holiday" was. I guessed gay bathhouse but lacked the courage to investigate. I think now I am glad.

Anonymous Annika said...

Your sweet innocence gives me hope. I'm afraid I saw it coming a mile away.

We'll miss you on Thursday. Call if you change your mind.

Blogger Monkey said...

Oh dear Lord. Make the naked grandpa image go away, please.

So pleased you were able to console yourself with yarn. I do hope you feel better soon. The boy has a yucky, mucus laden cold also. It is hazardous to my beautiful fur.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

We should dress in drag and get facials there.

Wait, is it still called "drag" if it's me with socks down my pants?

Blogger Übermilf said...

Maybe the old gay men like the bath houses because no one can tell if they're wrinkled from the bath, or just plain wrinkled.

A gay man I used to work with called old gay men "raisins." As in, dried out old fruit.

Anonymous eebmore said...

Homos are funny. Once, years ago, I was doing some project or somethingorother at work with all the homos. The oldest homo, a man about 75 named “Mother,” came into the room and quipped “You young fellas have it easy today with your lubes and whatnot. Back in my day, all we had was spit and determination!”

The most perfect mo variant of a “uphill in the snow both ways” story.

Blogger jiggs said...

yarn fondler!

naked grandpas!

exclamation!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

spit and dtermination!

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Well, now I know what to do all day if I ever make it out there for a visit.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my! You need to take a picture of the building...building only, mind you.

Blogger Tim said...

I'm so glad I'm not Roman.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You got it right the first time, "ominousness". So says the English teacher (with a dictionary in front of her), so it shall be.

Now I shall begin reading Act I, Scene II of Julius Ceasar with my 10th graders. No joke there. I could email you the lesson plans to prove it.

Life's little synchronicities crack me up sometimes.

Blogger miss kendra said...

sarah smile: turkey flu sounds dangerous. should i seek professional help?

knittykitty: i just finished my 84753986th holiday hat, which is too tall, and so i must frog the top and knit again. boo.

faith: i will surely need clarification on several points of interest. perhaps your husband could provide?

brookelina: you're not old. i swear.

sachi: you miss is here so bad.

will pillage: yeah, i figured it was too, but the confirmation needn't have been so visual.

annika: i wasn't surprised by the gay spa thing, just the naked grandpa. i was VERY SURPRISED by the naked grandpa. VERY.

monkey: good thing i'm old enough to know not to wipe my mucous on glorious fur. the cats might take issue with that if i tried.

spinner: i don't think they do the sort of facials you'd be interested in, but i could be wrong.

and yes, you'd be a drag king.

ubie: i've heard the term raisin before. i enjoy it a bit too much i think. all the men weren't old. just the one in my line of vision.

eebmore: spit and determination sounds terrible and makes me very glad i have both lube and a vagina.

jiggs: i am a yarn fondler, it's true. and he naked! and probably a grandpa! aaaaaaahhhhhh!

spinner: i knew you would like that.

acw: seriously, i need someone to go in and do research for me.

melina: imagine a very square white building with no windows and a weighted black door. that's it. except it's right next to a yarn shop and a little ethnic market.

tim: would starburst holiday be more appealing?

quirkalot: ominousness sounds like a disease.

Blogger MadMeer said...

Ya know, I often bitch about people who say that living in Houston limits me because we do not have everything here. I say: this is a big city! We have stuff! Plenty of stuff! I could walk right down the street and get fried pickles, a back massage, plastic underwear and a new tattoo if I wanted to!

However - we do not have any old man bath houses...that I know of...unless you consider the YMCA.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I once saw somebody's naked Grandpa riding a unicycle by the Space Needle.

Just when I thought that image was out of my head...

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Yes, seek professional help. And by professional I mean 'masseuse who does housecalls that may or may not be (ok totally is) also a hooker.'

Blogger yournamehere said...

And I thought it was awkward when I accidentally walked into a gay hamburger joint in Irvine, California.

Blogger amera hearts said...

kendra, yeah i feel for you. that has happened to me 3 times.

why 3 times?

because in seattle they are all over the place, but disguised. some look like cool restaurants, but when you walk in, that's just the waiting area. some look like clubs too....

aaahhh. . . . .

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I want to go on a Sapphic Holiday with you.

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