i am a fairly entertaining person, and i can amuse just about anyone in a one-on-one or small group situation, but a party of this nature is not my scene. people i don't know want to talk to me about asinine things, invade my personal space and dance all up on me. the talking part is just a segue into the reckless humping part, and i am not pro-reckless humping. i do not know how to relate to men of this nature. example:
seemingly harmless guy dressed as vampire attempts to start conversation, and i really have no idea how this happened, but i somehow steer the conversation towards equestrian fetishes.
it was a logical transition, if i recall correctly, which i do because i was not drinking(!), but i could see (even as i was making the transition) that it was way beyond the conversational capabilities of this particular individual. which is pretty much what happens to me. i cannot associate with "regular" people. i say things that have no place being uttered, and i'm not just talking about ponytail buttplugs or implausibly long strings of cursewords. i have no place amongst the general public! i am no good for you, no good at all.
i do not like bars/clubs/parties because i do not know what to do with myself. boys offer to buy me a drink and i would rather run away than say yes or no because yes could lead to more talking (which would be pointless as outlined above) and no would be mean, and also something i have little experience with saying. OR. boys say something like, "so what do you like to do?" and i say words like, oh, anything i've ever written here, and suddenly they see someone they know over there. way the fuck over there.
casual conversation eludes me. i am a quirky girl and some people find that delightful, but others (lots of others) find my brand of quirk strange and disconcerting. i have had a man explicitly tell me to stop saying things of the nature of things i like to say (if that makes sense) because it makes people think i am weird.
which is actually the anglo-saxon word for fate. which is just the sort of thing i would say to a guy at a party and he would go, "hmmm. that's cool. i need another beer."
so i have decided this: from now on, i am ok with it and i will most certainly stop trying to hide it. i am not interested in someone who is not ever socially awkward, or who pretends that is the case. it is a sign of personality, and character, and frankly, if people can get beyond my initial impression of loud (kansas can you hear me?) and crazy and possibly swinging a large knowledge cock, they will find that i am generous (sometimes to a fault) and sensitive, and an excellent hypo-allergenic baker with yarn-spinning tendencies. and there i go again.
whatever. my cats love me.