October 10, 2006
belated birthday

now that i've been 26 for like ten days, i figured i'd reward you for sticking it out through my last three posts full of kitties. (obligatory joke featuring the "p" word: because even though the majority of my readers love pussy, that's not the kind they come here for. and ah-thank you. *bows*)

those of you who would prefer to think of me only as a sweet (yet slightly saucy) individual with the knitting and the meowsers, i suggest you simply look here or here and then come back tomorrow.

so. this post is l-o-n-g, so you should sit down. trust me.

the night of my birthday began like any other night, with me relaxing in my trusty orange pajamas... but then, out of no where, pigs flew and my apartment got really cold and the devil went down to georgia, and these are surely signs that it was time to get my whore on. i hopped in my hussymobile and sped off to my friend Mercy's house, for the best part of any evening with the girls...

getting ready.
make sure to note the knitting, as it
really fits right in with the theme of the evening.

there was about ten tons of makeup on the coffee table for everyone to choose from, in the great tradition of club kids everywhere, and the even greater tradition of one of my dream careers. *le sigh* if only.

here i am, draggin' it up.
i like how my hair is all swooshed back, so you can see
my sevenhead. i considered pancaking my eyebrows
and drawing them back on three inches higher.
you know, for fun.

then we all put on our outfits, and Mercy (who requested her face be blurred because she is in the witness protection program) had to get lubed. yes, that's right. lubed. silicone lubed! (water soluble, and non-gloopy!) she wore a red latex dress, which requires lubrication, not only to keep it soft and supple and not rippy, but also because it's just prettier when it's shiny. most things are.

the best part was later in the night when i dropped
to my knees and relubed her in the middle of the club.
it was necessary, but also highly entertaining.
for everyone.

so here's what i wore.

having reached the pinnacle of rock hotness,
i look like a slutty girl version of slash.

in case you can't tell, i'm wearing the bitchin' top hat that lady linoleum made for me, a wig that looks essentially like my own hair but much longer, a very skimpy top, green bra (to match my eye makeup, bitches!), very very skimpy skirt (with jolly roger undies beneath), widefence fishnets, and the coolest "belt" ever, the skull that draws all eyes to my loins. all will flock! (shout out to spinnerina)

don't forget the six inch heeled nazi hooker boots!
i'm all business.

my makeup, for your enjoyment:
my septum ring looks like a dusty black booger.
other than that, i'm so hot i don't know how you stand it.

and the four of us,
Mercy, miss kendra, pinksara, laurieann

SO! then, just before eleven, we ran off to miss kitty's parlour and valeted the car like the deserving girls we are, and entered the club.

at first, i must admit, i was unimpressed. the last "fetish" club i went to was much more imposing at a glance. there was more black and velvet and candley things etcetera, etcetera. so we got some shots. and then, pretty much immediately after that, the first performance of the evening began. there weren't any cameras allowed, but let me assure you, the images are forever burned into my mind.

pretty much it was these three,
but with less cartoonishness,
and a whole lot more strapons.

the crowd included a young man who's lip rings looked like tusks. he made out with pinksara for a good chunk of the night, showing her a good time, and simultaneously breaking the silver shirt she wore (my shirt) on its maiden voyage into the public eye. while it is fixable, i sort of enjoy knowing how it met its early demise.

there were more shots, and more shots, and an odd man wearing tuxedo leiderhosen who reminded me of this guy and so was dubbed "the german." there was a guy in a spandexy outfit that covered his whole body and face, and some girls in very little. some boys in very little too, actually. there was an oiled up muscley man in a pink/purple speedo being led around by an enormous (not fat, just really really large) bottle blonde.

in one room there was what resembled depression-era european porn being projected on the wall, and everyone in it looked suitably morose, having just waited in nine hour lines for a loaf of bread and now being subjected to this. one woman was a gilf, if you like depressed women i guess.

when pinksara's shirt kept falling off (that boy was incredibly enthusiastic), we had to run to the bathroom and fix it repeatedly. there was a man with a camera in there (the official photographer? or pervert...or both? you decide.) who took our pictures in a non-creepy way, but then tried again and again to convince pinksara that she should show him her nipples. just one. just for a minute.

when that didn't work, he suggest that he could lick one, offering like the gentleman he clearly was, to close his eyes. she politely declined.

after, i did more shots. then a girl in a pink wig and a teensie bikini and giant shoes stole me away to the side stage, where she bent me over a fur covered table horse, handcuffed me, and allowed a man clad in a jockstrap, a butcher's apron, and scads of glitter to spank my bottom. as i understand it, the first paddle-to-miss-kendra contact resulted in an all too perfect popping of one of the strings on my fishnets. i, of course, have no idea, as i was upside down. and also my head doesn't go in that direction anyway.

the strangest part (in my opinion) (and it was my butt, so i think my opinion's fairly relevant) was that there was a spotlight right on me. i was pretty impressed with myself for allowing such a thing (the spotlight. i'm fairly pro-spanking to begin with.), and very proud of myself for having the foresight to double up on the underpants. they allowed me to relax some when the glitterbutcher manipulated the jolly roger panties into my crack in order to expose as much as possible, and then pour hot wax on it.

that's right. he poured it on my ass.

we met a genial rastaman named King Richard who asked us to return for his reggae show. he requested that we wear the same outfits, and i don't think it was so he would recognize us.

there was more drinking, and staring, and drinking, and laughing. then i danced with my leg over the shoulder of one of their stage dancers. and then i danced with some incredibly handsome man who (sadly) did not smell as good as he looked. how dare he! comingling the delightful cookie scent with his odor did little to dispel it, but i was drunk and cared little, if at all.

i woke up in the morning slightly sore, with a headache, but surprisingly puke-free. and strangely, i couldn't shake the thought that the handsome man may have bitten my bottom, though i have no proof either way. anyway, who could blame him? it had just been waxed and polished.

delicious! like fruit.


Blogger Tits McGee said...


I have to go have some private time now.

Holy fucking shit, I love you.

Blogger K said...

bestest. birthday. ever.

whoa.... I'm officially joining your minions.


Blogger yournamehere said...

I hope my laptop isn't being ruined as I write this comment WHILE TAKING A COLD SHOWER. Smokin' hot.

The last time I poured hot wax on a chick's ass, they threw me out of Yankee Candle.

Blogger me said...


i feel dirty and clean all at the same time...

good for you miss k... good for you.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

ooooh, pretty kitties!

Anonymous Annika said...

I would just like to express my thankfulness that my party-crashing self is not visible in any of those photos. Because I didn't even comb my hair before I came over.

Blogger jiggs said...

rad. Clubs like that aren't my scene, but I'm happy that you had lots of fun. and I know someone that likes the spanking. perhaps I should tell her to read this post.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. I had no idea about the lube requirements of latex apparel - I learned something new!
2. You looked like an amazonian dominatrix (and have nice legs) - hot.
3. LA is more interesting than Halifax. There are more fiddles than strap-ons from what I can tell.

The kitties, with the snuggling and grooming? Adorable.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I can't go into clubs like that because I may run for office someday.

But I'm glad you had fun! I'm more of an observer than a participant at events like this, so I appreciate your bravery!

Blogger Libby said...

Wow. WOW.

I am severely punishing myself today for not making the trek down there.

Glad you had a great time! And HOLY SKULL BELT BATMAN! I am the jealous.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

So maybe for your next birthday you could do something interesting. ;)

Blogger Tim said...

Wow. Sound awfully similar to how I celebrate Arbor Day.

Blogger Monkey said...

Oh my merciful heavens! Thank you for the blow by blow. I feel like I was there. The nipple photographer, the spanking, the waxing...

You looked fabulous as always and I'm glad you had a Happy Birthday!

Blogger amera hearts said...

wow. those outfits are awesome. i don't think i could ever wear one outside of the house. not because they're bad to the bone, well maybe that, but because i'm so modest it's scary. i can't even wear a tank top outside. unless of course i'm in wateror at the beach.

you rock.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Holy crap. You guys look FANTASTIC. Sheeyat. I couldn't even come close to looking as put together as y'all. But I will TRY!!!! Like, the next time you go when I'm NOT going out of town... (Which reminds me, do you remember the name of the place where you got your boots? I'm going back for the mudflapgurl shoes!)

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

And also, how can you remember all those details despite the copious amounts of alkeehall?

Blogger MadMeer said...

Hawt mama! I don't know if I am more jealous of your perfect eyebrows or your CFM boots.

I went to a fetish ball last Halloween hoping to experience something like this. I was disappointed to find that, aside from myself, the most interesting attire in the whole place was a chick in a slutty Little Bo-Peep costume.

Houston depresses me.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

Gee...STRING! you had a crazy good time! Oh, and my url is now my name, blah blah blah...I think you have to change it in my link on your template...blah.
Love yews,

Blogger Ellen Bloom said...

All I have to say is, "YOWZA!"

Blogger Brookelina said...

I think I had a night like that in Amsterdam. Without the wax.

No wait ....

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

This is by far the best thing I have heard in a really long time.

I need to get out more.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you look sofa king amazing!

i am jealous of your fishnets.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Wow! I need a fresh pair of pants.

Blogger Frog said...


Blogger Stepherz said...

Lol, no wonder it took so long to post about your birthday! That's quite the birthday; you must still be recovering! Glad you had fun AND-- you girls were HOTT if I do say so myself!

Blogger Tim said...

this was a really good post.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

I know, I'm all commenty-come-lately here.

I adore your birthday outfit, which is not to be confused with your birthday suit, which I'm certain is lovelier.

Blogger Brookelina said...

You have great tits.

Blogger Social Drunk said...

there was a lot of titties in that shot... wow. you and your friends shock and awe...

Blogger FRITZ said...

you hussies are hot to trot! smokin'!

Meanwhile, what club is this? Michael and I are going directly. We shall meet you there. I will have on a purple wig and hot pink fishnets. Bring me some tequila, and you and I, dear Miss K, will get down like a big fat jungle boogie.

Blogger Colleen said...

Mickey Mouse should be at every club.

Blogger Colleen said...

And Pluto should be the bartender.

Blogger Colleen said...

Minnie Mouse should be the bouncer. Because nothing would be more embarassing than to get evicted from a fetish club than by an over-sized mouse in a red and white polka dotted skirt.

Blogger ladylinoleum said...

I cannot believe I missed this! Going forward, I am speaking with you before scheduling any vacation time.

Glad to see you got to wear the hat again...

Blogger sleepydog said...

I'm sorry I neglected to comment here, I was so overewhelmed with the wonderful sluttiness that I was rendered speechless.

You and your friends are some lovely lovely ladies.

There, I said it.

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