September 01, 2006
things to know about san francisco

in order to properly prepare you for any visits to the san francisco area, i have detailed my visit with sarah smile below. you should be ready for any of the following, and possibly also more, including but not limited to: alien invasion, The Big One, robot revolt, cheezit hail storms, the second coming of pat morita. (oh please oh please oh please!!!)

also please note that i take no responisbility for your safety should you choose to reenact my weekend- especially the part with the englishman.

i am prone to falling asleep (read: passing the fuck out) when in the car for any length of time. strangely, i managed to say awake the whole way there. i credit this to the interesting scenery, which included cows, brown cows, black cows, white cows, and black and white cows. also the smell of cows for miles in every direction.

we also passed by some orchards and some fields. there were grapes and various fruit trees and a magnificent crop of something shiny, which i can only assume was sequins. they're best just before they're ripe.

we played a rousing car game called "tire or dead animal," which was more challenging than you might think.

there was a constant stream of trucks on the road carrying various food items. the first one we saw was shaped like a giant bathtub on wheels and looked as if it might spill over. we thought it was wood chips from afar, but it was potatos. potatos! very large, pretty much bowl sized potatos. later we saw an almond truck, which i imagine would smell nice were i allowed to burrow inside it. then in a moment of pure brilliance, i imagined utopia, and it was a giant loaf of freshly baked bread in which to burrow... and then eat my way out.

mostly we saw tomato trucks, and even when we lost sight of them there was a constant reminder- tomatos overboard, left for dead on the side of the road. (later, on the way home, we passed a truck full of ducks. i can't really explan that one.)

all of my people were in san francisco this past weekend. i don't know if this is a scientifically reliable representation, but seriously! the following groups of people were in san francsico this weekend, all readily available for my enjoyment:
def leppard (wooooooooo! rock!)
the rennaissance faire (woooooo! pantaloons!)
the arts and crafts exhibition (woooooo! stuff for making other stuff!)
the tattoo expo (wooooooo! awesomely painful body modification condemned by my religion as a whole!)

i think this makes it pretty clear that san francisco not only needs me, but desires me with the sort of smoldering white-hot lust that could only be matched by the heat created if i were to accidentally hump an englishman on the F line. which i did, so it's fall good.

sarah waits for boarding. she is very cute.

i wait for boarding. i am a giant in comparison.

and even after the whole very close touching debacle, the nice man gave us directions!

those directions led us to chinatown, where there are many many items in very small places. i almost bought chinese zodiac cookie cutters, because, why not? but i felt that they shapes weren't clearly defined. i mean, the boar looked prety much the same as the ox, and what is that bullshit?

me in chinatown, post streetcar humping.
you can see i look rumpled.

san francisco is incredibly cold. in august, in california, one should not have to wear two shirts and two sweaters and still be cold. this excursion has confirmed in my mind that going home for christmas to the boston area will be interesting, as i will surely step off the plane into the freezing cold desolation and promptly die.

san francisco requires specialty clothing, and not just thermal wear. i believe that my trip would have been far less dangerous (and had slightly less humping) had i been in possesion of stickypants™. in my understanding, stickypants™ would be much like regular pants, but with helpful treads along the bottom (like this) to keep your butt on the seat where it belongs. which would be nice when riding a cable car up a giant hill, or when sailing in the bay and the boat is suddenly sideways.

also important to note: when sailing in the bay with strangers, maybe don't make a big deal about how much you enjoy looking at prisons. even though there are two really large and spectacular ones right there, you probably shouldn't shriek "WOW!" because some people might find you creepy.


san francisco is also a hot spot for the viewing of boobs. i myself saw three naked pair, and one GLORIOUS pair that was only seminaked. during my most excellent dinner with chantel, xt, and jenL, we were forced (and i mean forced) to stage a "group photograph" in order to facilitate the positioning needed to snap a shot of their unearthly glow. when the owner of the breasts walked by me on my way out, i was possessed by the sudden and barely containable urge to shmoosh them together and bury my face in between. i think it was a religious experience.

and speaking of religious experiences... there was the wedding of strangers. it was far away. and by the time we were on the road, my feet were so swollen from the evil magic of witches that i had to buy a new pair of shoes. but the wedding location was beautiful, and the service was relatively short. the strangers seemed happy, which is always good, and looked lovely together. aside from the large and overwhelming presence of lord jesus, i would say it was nice. i did come armed with an awkward conversation avoidance tactic, just in case.
wedding guest: "blah blah blah wedding blah blah blah jesus?"

miss kendra: "i'm sorry. i don't know. i'm a scientologist. would you care for a free stress test?"

but we were hungry, so then we left and went to carls jr. we are class all the way.

the drive home was long. and dark. and long. next time i might fly just to avoid that. also because i drive a monster truck and the gas cost would be a month's rent.

all in all, san francisco was wonderful. i have already alerted jiggs casey to the fact that i would like to move there in the moderately near future, and as such he should begin decorating my room immediately.

i require a new year's dragon for my ceiling. i hope that can be arranged.


Blogger Sarah Smile said...

"Miss Kendra likes prisons."

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Also, I look like polly pocket when compared to your long luscious leanness.

Blogger ayah young said...

SF is undoubtably one of my all time favorite cities, but yes... so inappropriately COLD even in August.

Blogger Sachi said...

Heehee... Scientologist... heeeheee...

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

I took 15 pictures of Alcatraz from varying positions in the bay, so I'm with you on that one.

Uh, the last two letters of my word ver are fu. What gives?

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Where to begin?!

1) I can imagine no greater joy than to burrow in a giant loaf of freshly baked bread with you.

2) You are so freaking cute!!!

3) More details about the humping, please.

4) Stickypants™ = genius.

5) For the love of god, please shmoosh my breasts together and bury your face between them.

Blogger Uccellina said...

Should we round up some tiny, upside-down, chinese dancers to put inside your ceiling new year's dragon?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

a. I am jealous of the sumptuous boobage, and bummed that we do not have photo evidence of said boobage.

2. You saw a DUCK TRUCK?!?!?!?!

iii. It took way too long, but was well worth the wait.

Oh, and finally, a New Year's dragon *can* be arranged. One of these days we gotta hit Chinatown. I know, not as good as SF's Chinatown, but still. Dragons can be had.

Blogger jiggs said...

this is another excellent post.

I am excited by the possibility of you moving up here.

don't worry not all parts of the bay area are as cold or as expensive to live in as san francisco. The east bay (like berkeley and the surrounds) are more my style at least.

I am also excited by the possibility of you doing what tits requested of you.

Blogger jiggs said...

And me and my gang will be down there to visit you on sunday for a late lunch. if you have the time, I think we will be able to meet.

You have my phone number still, right? If you don't, lemme know.

Blogger yournamehere said...

You are incredibly pretty.

I loved San Fran when I visited, but I will never again move to a place just because I liked it for a weekend. I learned my lesson with Vegas. I'm not saying you shouldn't move, I just like to ramble on and on.

Blogger ginonymous said...

i have secured your dragon for ceiling-dangling purposes. now you must help me in my nefarious plans. please visit



Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Things that made me spew peach soup out of my nose:

1. sequins
2. "tire or dead animal?"
3. boar or ox?
4. rumpled.
5. shmooshing the semi-naked breasts
6. the very fact that I would eat peach soup.

I love you so much it hurts, sometimes.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Someone who smells like cookies should own every cookie-making implement available.

Blogger d2ana said...

kendra's storytelling is the back.

i swear, i could GRAPH the return of your humor and spirit, just through your blog posts, since the soul-sucking job, and since the unemployment. and i don't even know you. but i'm so glad to see you returning to yourself.

Blogger Stephieface said...

I laughed so much it disturbed my children.

Anonymous Meg said...

This is awesome. I actually really really want to visit San Fran sometime soon. We should start a travel guide for bloggers who meet bloggers in other cities. Eh? What say you?

Blogger rose said...

I want to go there someday

Blogger Stepherz said...

Sounds like a blast! I wanna go!

Def Leppard. Those dudes have prettier hair than me. Bitches.

Blogger Brookelina said...

If you let me come on your next trip you can smoosh your face in my boobs as much as you like.

I now have an uncontrollable urge to see Joe Elliot in pantaloons.

Blogger Phil said...

I didnt red any of that but I looked at yourt boobs and they are big

Blogger Nick said...

Sounds like you had fun.

Blogger karla said...

You look adorable in Chinatown.

Probably everywhere else, too.

Blogger Lisa Crowly said...

the san francisco treat

Blogger Derrick Henson said...

You have nice sweater melons.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Wowza! Is San Fran ready for YOU, Miss Thang? You're so way hott.

By the by, I will come and visit you there if you move. My friend Liz reports there is one (1) yarn shop in the WHOLE city...and the lady who owns it is SELLING it: store, merchandise, the whole nine yards (yuckity yuckity).

We could buy it and live in yarn splendor! And be rich! Rich, I tell you!

Thanks for the memoir. Or meme. Or whatever.

PS: You're WAY hot!

Blogger Egan said...

I wish I read this post before going to SF this past weekend.

Blogger Annika said...

That'll never work. Nothing is free from the Scientologists!

Blogger Libby said...

I am 9 shades of jealous that you were in San Francisco for more than 9 hours at a time.

I love SF...and think you are adorable, even if you feel like a giant woman.

Blogger Tel said...

You have nice under-things.

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