also please note that i take no responisbility for your safety should you choose to reenact my weekend- especially the part with the englishman.
i am prone to falling asleep (read: passing the fuck out) when in the car for any length of time. strangely, i managed to say awake the whole way there. i credit this to the interesting scenery, which included cows, brown cows, black cows, white cows, and black and white cows. also the smell of cows for miles in every direction.
we also passed by some orchards and some fields. there were grapes and various fruit trees and a magnificent crop of something shiny, which i can only assume was sequins. they're best just before they're ripe.
we played a rousing car game called "tire or dead animal," which was more challenging than you might think.
there was a constant stream of trucks on the road carrying various food items. the first one we saw was shaped like a giant bathtub on wheels and looked as if it might spill over. we thought it was wood chips from afar, but it was potatos. potatos! very large, pretty much bowl sized potatos. later we saw an almond truck, which i imagine would smell nice were i allowed to burrow inside it. then in a moment of pure brilliance, i imagined utopia, and it was a giant loaf of freshly baked bread in which to burrow... and then eat my way out.
mostly we saw tomato trucks, and even when we lost sight of them there was a constant reminder- tomatos overboard, left for dead on the side of the road. (later, on the way home, we passed a truck full of ducks. i can't really explan that one.)
all of my people were in san francisco this past weekend. i don't know if this is a scientifically reliable representation, but seriously! the following groups of people were in san francsico this weekend, all readily available for my enjoyment:
def leppard (wooooooooo! rock!)
the rennaissance faire (woooooo! pantaloons!)
the arts and crafts exhibition (woooooo! stuff for making other stuff!)
the tattoo expo (wooooooo! awesomely painful body modification condemned by my religion as a whole!)
i think this makes it pretty clear that san francisco not only needs me, but desires me with the sort of smoldering white-hot lust that could only be matched by the heat created if i were to accidentally hump an englishman on the F line. which i did, so it's fall good.
and even after the whole very close touching debacle, the nice man gave us directions!
those directions led us to chinatown, where there are many many items in very small places. i almost bought chinese zodiac cookie cutters, because, why not? but i felt that they shapes weren't clearly defined. i mean, the boar looked prety much the same as the ox, and what is that bullshit?
you can see i look rumpled.
san francisco is incredibly cold. in august, in california, one should not have to wear two shirts and two sweaters and still be cold. this excursion has confirmed in my mind that going home for christmas to the boston area will be interesting, as i will surely step off the plane into the freezing cold desolation and promptly die.
san francisco requires specialty clothing, and not just thermal wear. i believe that my trip would have been far less dangerous (and had slightly less humping) had i been in possesion of stickypants™. in my understanding, stickypants™ would be much like regular pants, but with helpful treads along the bottom (like this) to keep your butt on the seat where it belongs. which would be nice when riding a cable car up a giant hill, or when sailing in the bay and the boat is suddenly sideways.
also important to note: when sailing in the bay with strangers, maybe don't make a big deal about how much you enjoy looking at prisons. even though there are two really large and spectacular ones right there, you probably shouldn't shriek "WOW!" because some people might find you creepy.
san francisco is also a hot spot for the viewing of boobs. i myself saw three naked pair, and one GLORIOUS pair that was only seminaked. during my most excellent dinner with chantel, xt, and jenL, we were forced (and i mean forced) to stage a "group photograph" in order to facilitate the positioning needed to snap a shot of their unearthly glow. when the owner of the breasts walked by me on my way out, i was possessed by the sudden and barely containable urge to shmoosh them together and bury my face in between. i think it was a religious experience.
and speaking of religious experiences... there was the wedding of strangers. it was far away. and by the time we were on the road, my feet were so swollen from the evil magic of witches that i had to buy a new pair of shoes. but the wedding location was beautiful, and the service was relatively short. the strangers seemed happy, which is always good, and looked lovely together. aside from the large and overwhelming presence of lord jesus, i would say it was nice. i did come armed with an awkward conversation avoidance tactic, just in case.
wedding guest: "blah blah blah wedding blah blah blah jesus?"
miss kendra: "i'm sorry. i don't know. i'm a scientologist. would you care for a free stress test?"
but we were hungry, so then we left and went to carls jr. we are class all the way.
the drive home was long. and dark. and long. next time i might fly just to avoid that. also because i drive a monster truck and the gas cost would be a month's rent.
all in all, san francisco was wonderful. i have already alerted jiggs casey to the fact that i would like to move there in the moderately near future, and as such he should begin decorating my room immediately.
i require a new year's dragon for my ceiling. i hope that can be arranged.