September 11, 2006
every year it comes again

today is one of those days where i'm surprised by how easily everything goes on.

i feel this way for a two distinct reasons.

of course, the first is what happened five years ago. the way we live our lives changed. every bit of our lives were earned again. i find myself curling inwards in an effort to avoid reliving the day, if only because i still empathize so strongly that i'm not sure i could do it. i am devastated by what i imagine others to be feeling- not just today, but everyday- the constant phantom pain, the emptiness where there once was someone whom they loved. someone like robert l. cruikshank, age 64, who was the father of my friend.

the second reason is my sister, my little bee, whose birth i watched twenty years ago today, and who i was first to hold. everyday i know she isn't there, but today especially, i love her.

and every year, until we can find a middle ground, i will repeat these words for you.

* samantha *

we exist together only in these photographs, static

and two-dimensional. i love you out of habit.
strange little chrysalis, small and unripe

in my mind forever. i have not known your process or life,
you, who may also have my mother’s hands—

i haven’t seen them lately, i would not know. i can’t
escape thoughts of you thinking of me.

i fear in this exact moment you are feeling like an only
child. sometimes i have to remind myself that you are

real… for more than half your life we have lived apart
and i have missed everything, each word we should have shared,

but then i would not have picked them as carefully. now there
is so much lost in the endless sky between where i am and

las vegas. do you keep me in the back of your mind,
sister— do your memories, like mine, deceive?

or do you listen close at night, to see if you can hear me breathe?


Blogger ladylinoleum said...

Beautiful post.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

oh, sweatpea. *sigh*

Blogger Uccellina said...

Because I hadn't cried enough already today?

Blogger Spinning Girl said...


Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm without words.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I insist you come visit me for some hyper-nurturing mothering-type attention.


Blogger Laurie Ann said...

I will never again take my Katie for granted.

Blogger babyjewels said...

((( )))

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I hate the anniversary of today. Mostly because after 9/11/2001, as absolutely tragic and horrifying as it was, I felt this strange unity within my country that I fear I will never feel again in my lifetime.
And with the stupid Nicholas Case movies and the bullshit Hollywood type-people making money off of all of it, I feel more than ever before that we’ve regressed back to what we were before all of this.
And that just makes me want to cry.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

:( I miss Samantha too, in sympathy for you.

Blogger sleepydog said...

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Kendra. That poem is beautiful and tugs at my heart.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Oh, Kendra.

I just love you. That's all.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did read this before today.. and Thanks again.. I do wish we lived closer.. because now that we're both adults, I think we could have a closer relationship than we did before. and I'd like that.


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