they kept patrice? and got rid of zayra? i mean, yeah, zayra occasionally sounded like a mortally wounded foreign exchange student yodeling from beneath a mountain of mechanically seperated chicken parts, but atleast she had flair! patrice is like the invisible woman. she gets up on the stage and i know someone's there, but i don't see anyone.
the band members and hosts are so awesome though. they're like insane blind-person drawn caricatures of imitations of real people.
host brooke: your monotone tries to hypnotize me into believing your breasts are real. i keep imagining you as a paper doll, and i press different outfits up against you to see what looks silliest. whatever rock chick shit they dress you in always wins.
host dave navarro: you think you're so clever with your misleading post-performance statements. but woah! then you flip it! because everyone is awesome!!!!!! now sit up straight. also, you have an alarming lack of chest hair for a man who so closely resembles the wolfman.
bandmate gilby clarke: you are a jabillion lightyears beyond this. you actually have coherent and relevant things to say. i liked it when you cut down the stripper (jill joia) who pretended not to know who courtney love was. sometimes when you watch the rockstars sing i can see you die a little inside.
bandmate jason newsted: let's make out. i adore that your during performance reaction is pretty much always a disappointed
i know, jason newsted. i know.
bandmate tommy lee: always with the cheeky commentary. keep it in your pants. i know you might find that difficult a whole two hours a week, but please. flirt less, drum more. stop telling the guys how being in your band will get them laid. don't you know this show is all about the high quality music?
and of course, our top seven rockstars in summary:
patrice: you look nearly as ridiculous in your hollywood rocker gear as brooke burke. atleast you have some semblance of motion. just go home and put on your jammie pants. you know you want to.
toby: i finally know who you are! all it took was nudity, and cutting half the cast.
ryan star: you have a girl's name. she was on american idol. you are incredibly dramatic and you stare dreamily into the camera, but i think it might be ok.
magni: you are attractive and you have a nice voice. you are very good in all ways, but do not make me excited any.
lukas: you started out impressive, but now i see you just mask your limitations well. you want to kill the singer for "my chemical romance" and steal his band/eyeshadow. also, your head is small.
storm large: please keep your eyeballs in their sockets. you are mcuh prettier when they remain there. you are very talented, but i suspect you secretly long to do musical theatre.
dilana: stop pretending to be a goth fairy and buy some real clothes. also, you are not stevie nicks. you are talented, but i am bored of you. i like your hair though.
i'm not sure who i want to win. i don't know "supernova's" music, so it's hard to say who would be a good fit. all i know is that next week there will be a serious lack of crazy metallic vinyl catsuit corset leotards, capes and plastic hooker boots now that zayra is gone.
and i will weep. i will weep for us all.