August 17, 2006
supernova = crack heads?

WHAT THE FUCK?

they kept patrice? and got rid of zayra? i mean, yeah, zayra occasionally sounded like a mortally wounded foreign exchange student yodeling from beneath a mountain of mechanically seperated chicken parts, but atleast she had flair! patrice is like the invisible woman. she gets up on the stage and i know someone's there, but i don't see anyone.

the band members and hosts are so awesome though. they're like insane blind-person drawn caricatures of imitations of real people.

host brooke: your monotone tries to hypnotize me into believing your breasts are real. i keep imagining you as a paper doll, and i press different outfits up against you to see what looks silliest. whatever rock chick shit they dress you in always wins.

host dave navarro: you think you're so clever with your misleading post-performance statements. but woah! then you flip it! because everyone is awesome!!!!!! now sit up straight. also, you have an alarming lack of chest hair for a man who so closely resembles the wolfman.

bandmate gilby clarke: you are a jabillion lightyears beyond this. you actually have coherent and relevant things to say. i liked it when you cut down the stripper (jill joia) who pretended not to know who courtney love was. sometimes when you watch the rockstars sing i can see you die a little inside.

bandmate jason newsted: let's make out. i adore that your during performance reaction is pretty much always a disappointed

why won't these people ROCK????
i know, jason newsted. i know.


bandmate tommy lee: always with the cheeky commentary. keep it in your pants. i know you might find that difficult a whole two hours a week, but please. flirt less, drum more. stop telling the guys how being in your band will get them laid. don't you know this show is all about the high quality music?


and of course, our top seven rockstars in summary:

patrice: you look nearly as ridiculous in your hollywood rocker gear as brooke burke. atleast you have some semblance of motion. just go home and put on your jammie pants. you know you want to.

toby: i finally know who you are! all it took was nudity, and cutting half the cast.

ryan star: you have a girl's name. she was on american idol. you are incredibly dramatic and you stare dreamily into the camera, but i think it might be ok.

magni: you are attractive and you have a nice voice. you are very good in all ways, but do not make me excited any.

lukas: you started out impressive, but now i see you just mask your limitations well. you want to kill the singer for "my chemical romance" and steal his band/eyeshadow. also, your head is small.

storm large: please keep your eyeballs in their sockets. you are mcuh prettier when they remain there. you are very talented, but i suspect you secretly long to do musical theatre.

dilana: stop pretending to be a goth fairy and buy some real clothes. also, you are not stevie nicks. you are talented, but i am bored of you. i like your hair though.

i'm not sure who i want to win. i don't know "supernova's" music, so it's hard to say who would be a good fit. all i know is that next week there will be a serious lack of crazy metallic vinyl catsuit corset leotards, capes and plastic hooker boots now that zayra is gone.

and i will weep. i will weep for us all.



22 Comments:

Blogger Quirkalot said...

Thank you. I will miss Zayra so much, especially now that she sang such a beautiful Spanish song. I will miss the gold lame and top-hat.
Doesn't Patrice remind you a little of Toni Collette? I mean, I really like Toni, so I feel bad saying this, but Patrice has that same big-ass teeth thing with a really big forehead going on. When she sang with Tommy on the drums, I honestly thought she looked like one of those deranged parrots who has pulled out all of his feathers except the ones on his head and now will try and kill you.

Blogger Miss Malaprop said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Uccellina said...

Mert?

Blogger Übermilf said...

I don't know these people.

I'm old.

Blogger Uccellina said...

Also: Dude, did you draw that?

Blogger Ellen Bloom said...

Miss K - Love your take on the show. I agree with most of your comments. Taking Zayra off instead of Patrice was a travesty. Zayira was always entertaining, even though she's more pop than rock. I really like Dilana. Her Stevie Nicks/Goth look fits perfectly with those washed up SuperNova rockers. I think she and Magni should be the band's top choices. Magni might be a little soft however, because he's married and has a baby. Did you see how he was hugging Zayira goodbye? He wouldn't let go of her! Is that family-man behavior, I ask you? Ryan Star looks like he wants to do "Phantom of the Opera" with Storm as his co-star!

Now, what did you think of "Project Wrongway" last night?

Blogger Egan said...

Is J-P Champion on this show?

Blogger Egan said...

Brooke has fake tits? You're killing me Kendra.

Blogger Nick said...

I have no idea what any of this about.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Nick took my comment. Is this some sort of reality TV thing? I don't know this much about actual people in my real life.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I wish they would bring back JD Fortune. He was dreamy.

Blogger tk said...

I expect a weekly run down from now until the end of the season.

Blogger jiggs said...

this post is sexual chocolate

Blogger LotusKnits said...

mmm i love your show summaries. just yummy.

<3

Blogger Autumn said...

i'm so glad someone besides me is into this show!

i called her zathura - i could see her becoming something, but i just didn't see her with this band. err, supernova. she had an individual style - kinda like pj harvey - i could dig her, i think.

ok, ok. you got me. i totally had a crush on her & have a picture of her hanging in my locker!

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Storm Large always looks cross-eyed to me. And Patrice? She sucked balls with Tommy Lee accompanying her on Drums. How can she possibly be in the running to front a band in which he'll be accompanying her EVERY NIGHT. I like Magni. The other boys in the band are all family men. They'll bond. Dilana reminds me of someone I don't like. Lukas, well, I've already said he's the new Davy Jones. Toby and Ryan are too generic.

Blogger me said...

you make me happy in ways that shouldn't be legal in most countries.


i liked zayra. she had a nice skirt

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

missed you bad.
I'll be back soon to catch up!
xxxxxxxooooo
SG

Blogger Brookelina said...

I thought you were talking about me for a second. Mine are real.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

okay, so i had an enormous beef with the whole rockstar inxs premise that they were a rock band. geez, mon. i love me some old skool inxs, but they were totally guilty pleasure 80s, crap. they should have picked the black dude with the mohawk. that's really here nor there, but it needed to be said.

and now. for my very important opinions on the finalists. who? i might add, rock less than the guys trying out for the pop band last year. quite ironical, no?

zayra: that abraham lincoln catsuit thing? i saw emo phillips wear it once when he was doing a skit about the abraham lincoln ballet. why, oh, why did you leave us? you could have worn that outfit from the been caught stealing video, next. awesome. but not. since you’re gone.

host brooke: every time i see you i think of two things. 1) that you've been knocked up all out of wedlock stylee by a pretty boy baywatch dude, and 2) that i want to see you bounce onstage with one of those exercise balls you hawk on late night teevee. kinda like those bouncy balls we had in gym class. really i just want to see you bounce from the wings, down the ramp, and off the stage in a bouncy stage dive. now that would be entertaining.

host dave navarro: i think your carmen electra tat is awesome. like your break up was so tragic that you can't help keeping your shirt open to show her that you still care, and that you would quit hitting on the blond violinist if she would just come back to you. can't she see that you're in pain?

bandmate gilby clarke: love you. hate your hair. it totally detracts from the fantasy i want to have about you.

bandmate jason newsted: i'm a bad singer too. i need to be punished.

bandmate tommy lee: the lipsmacking twitchy thing that goes down every time you kick someone off the show? has got to go. as does the "i hate this part" crap.

toby: you’re like that girl in school who was so damn popular because she was the personality of least offense. like a common denominator.

ryan star: heh. you can ryan MY star, anytime. (yeah, i know that made no sense...but he renders me this way).

magni: i want to shine your head.

lukas: you are SUCH a robert smith wanna-be. why can't you be him? da da da da da da da da now, how do i go about convincing you to wear the headless polar bear suit?

storm large: oh, that thing where tommy said that he "wanted to see more of you" and you said "six letters: g-o-o-g-l-e* was priceless. and i didn't think you were THAT bad last night. your outfit was, though. wtf? hey, i know...why don't you wear a large boxy jacket that covers your ta-tas and then ADD a vest. oh yeah, your voice. quite nice. you won't win, though.

dilana: *hands her a lozenge*

patrice: your name is patrice. it ain’t gonna happen. go home.

Blogger FRITZ said...

holy shit i agree.

except i hated Zayra or whatever the hell her name is.

basically, the whole show is a fat disappointment in the eyes of rock fans.

i'm going to switch on the beegees and just give up hope.

Blogger human said...

duuuude, i was SO hooked on this show!
Loved Storm Large...
was so annoyed with Patrice & Lukas

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