August 15, 2006
reach out and touch faith

i have very little coherence available to me right now, but there are some things you should know.

i am fat today.
gene simmons seems fun. i would like to have him and his family over for pie. i don't know what sort of pie they like, but i am willing to make several.
saturday was interesting. i knitted in the morning, then saw the following things as the day progressed:
~a bowling shirt with an embroidered mooning bambi
~a halter top that read “foxy bitch”
~a polyester rainbow/cloud printed jogging shirt with a very wide double layered disco collar
~not one, but TWO girls in a café on labrea decked out in full on crazy lolita alice in wonderland gear (one of the skirts was so short that when she sat down at the table i’m sure her bare butt was on the seat)
~orange suede leiderhosen

then, on saturday night i went to a fetish bar. the website is sucky, but maybe you can get a decent idea from looking at the "souls" section. it was impromptu, and i am generally more pub than club, but even with that said, i don’t think i was expecting quite what i got. the very first thing i saw when i walked in was a girl splayed on a chaise lounge with her friend in a position that could only be described as “airing one’s crotch.” from the soft-core fetish films being projected on a building wall to the girl licking her girlfriend’s boot and then making out with her (the actual bottom of the boot- wtf? be gay, be in to s&m, be into bodily fluids for all i care- but that boot walked down hollywood boulevard and that is seriously gross), to the men in questionable amounts of latex/leather/mesh… ooh ooh! and the girl being groped and manipulated in front of a devoted audience and the 98% naked dancing bar girls and the guy being flogged by a very small woman with surprising strength? and then personal jesus came on and i was tempted to dance naked, but i didn't. that's for sundays, fool. anyway it was interesting to say the least. i think i will have my birthday there. who’s in?
i went to the optometrist today for the first time in FIVE AND A HALF YEARS and she played cartoons for me on a projection screen while she looked at my eyeballs. it was all fine and dandy until this came on. what sort of torturous device is this, that she would drop liquid in my eyes to make them gluey and slow, place my head in a hannibal-mask so she could “measure my curvature” and then play such fabulous music (and the monkeys! oh the monkeys!) but not allow me to dance? not to mention the fact that she poked my eye with a stick. a sterile metal stick that scientifically measures pressure, but still a stick. all i ever did was love science and it poked me without my permission!

it took me a while to choose new frames because the ones i wanted were super hot but not at all practical. i got similar ones that don’t make me look quite as bad assed. it’s hard to pick glasses when you’re trying to picture how you will look in them pajama-clad and unkempt on the morning dogwalk. i will post pictures of my lovely new glasses when they arrive and you will give me due worship, oh yes, you will.
i made ubermilf an apron. it rules. you should see some up close pictures of it, so i will post them here when i get home. you better come back and look at them.

uber apron!

uber cupcakes!

i like making things. it gives me a false sense of order in a fundamentally fucked up world.
(in rhyme) my flesh is all red and irritated. it has been for two days. something bit my breast, not in the good fetish bar way.


Blogger Stella Haven said...

You had to watch that and not move? Clearly, there are too many med students who couldn't make it as sadistic dentists and who are overflowing into other practices ... And yes, I know that stick. wtf? Loved you post!

Blogger babyjewels said...

sorry about the boobie bite. I was only goinng for a nibble.

Blogger eebmore said...

According to Rabbi Yosef Karo in the Shulchan Aruch, as long as you are only half jewish, dancing naked to Techno Jesus Goth on Saturdays is permissible. I think you’re in the grey area.

So jealous!

But yes, you are quite correct, licking the bottom of a boot and then making out is completely revolting. I edit that crap out of all of my “videos.”

Wow. I’ve identified my limit.

Blogger jiggs said...

you're cool. I have already praised that aprom on uebermilf's blog. girls look cute in glasses.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a number of things to say:

I am fat today too. I ate 21 chicken wings last night with 1/2 pitcher of beer for supper.

I wish I wore glasses - I have a good glasses face, I've been told.

Woo! Nice apron and cupcakes, I bow to your mad crafty skillz.

I never understood the latex fetish. Have you ever smelled a pleather shoe at the end of the day? Imagine the same non-breathable fabric on your nether regions. Gah.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Orange suede leiderhosen! Leiderhosen!!

Oh Miss Kendra, your world is magical.

And I know what you mean about craftiness and making things. It gives you something to focus on. It makes sense no matter what else doesn't. And it's a process. I love it.

That apron is hot.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I've already seen the lovely apron modeled by the lovely Ubermilf herself. You are quite handy. Uh, could you make me a xxl-tall conquistador outfit?

Blogger said...

That really and truly is torturous.

As for the shoe licking...yeah. That's icky.

Blogger Uccellina said...

And what did you wear to the fetish bar?

Blogger miss kendra said...

i wore nothing!


actually, i wore my "goth stewardess" dress and some wide fence fishnets and my tiny veiled fascinator hat. i looked like "cabaret."

but underneath all that? NOTHING!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I'm so in for the birthday bash at the fetish bar. I can't pretend I will behave myself, tho.

Blogger Egan said...

You're so darn creative. I saw the apron on Ubie's site. Your knitting prowess makes my heart flutter.

Going to the eye doctor is fun. Did he/she have bad breath?

Blogger amera hearts said...

i really like gene simmons too. i've met his wife and i likehis show.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

“airing one’s crotch.”

Some girls have all the luck.

Blogger Libby said...

I once (meaning: in Vegas) dressed in a vinyl corset, short shorts and thigh high spike boots for a photo shoot.

At least I think it was a photo shoot. It was hot and I was drunk. I don't really remember. I also have a fist-sized patch of rug burn on my back. I'm not sure where that came from either. No, I'm not a drunk.

ANYWAY! I will go to your fetish bar birthday. As long as I don't have to lick your boots, and you give me enough time to find a babysitter.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

the anticraft!!!! i am their mistress of shameless self promotion!!!! no lie!

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I want to lick you from head to toe.

I mean, y'know, in a friendly way.

Seriously, though. This post makes me want to live in your closet.

Blogger Christine said...

How exactly does one locate a "fetish" bar and then how does one choose the appropriate shoes for such an adventure?

Blogger Sysm said...

One - you are not.
Two - yeah, in a pervy kinda way.
Three - Those people you saw in the afternoon were all giving you wardrobe suggestions for your evening.
Four - Optometrists are Doctors who don't want to hurt anybody. They're usually sweethearts. Mine is, anyway.
Five - She's spoiled rotten. Thanks to the likes of you.
Six - you must set that to music.

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

You know what, MK? You remind me of Natalie Portman's character in that movie, Beautiful Girls, all grown up. I mean that as a compliment.

Blogger Autumn said...

i'm all for reading about "airing one's crotch" but now while i'm eating lunch. ha ha.

very cute apron!!!

Blogger Übermilf said...

What happened to my comment???!!! The one where I told Sysm to shut up, and said I was going to wear my apron to the fetish bar???!!!

Nick took it!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

You are so utterly fabu that words cannot begin to describe.

Please, PLEASE let's just move in together and be friends for the rest of our lives.

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