August 09, 2006
call me

for some reason, i am in popular demand.

not in my actual real life, and not by anyone i actually really know, but still. when you're an attention whore, anything will do.

i almost never pick up my phone. i hate it. i hate holding it up to my ear, i hate the way it gets all smeary from being next to my skin. yes, i'm oily. move on.

i glance at the caller id when i hear ringing, but really, it doesn't matter to me who you are. you would have to be calling at the exact moment all the planets and their moons were properly aligned, during the seventh month of the lunar calendar, after having properly placated an albino boa with a set of two headed lambs, all the while wearing this (and this) in order for me to even consider considering picking up the phone.

i don't know why this is. if you want to come over, i'll probably talk to you till you throw yourself off a balcony, but the phone thing just doesn't work for me.

that said, i do pick up 9 times out of ten when the number comes up "unavailable." i realize that's when most people are least likely to answer, but my parents are "unavailable" (this statement leading me to be the number one search result for bad parenting, which is probably true as i have a troubling fascination with the girls next door and a penchant for donuts and vodka) and so i pick up, calculating probabilities based on time zone disparities, wagering that it's them.

unfortunately, for some very strange reason, it rarely is. for a good three months it was numerous strangers inquiring on a daily basis about the boat for sale. because earlier this year, when i was having all that money trouble, wouldn't all have been resolved if i would just sell my fucking boat?

why indeed???

because i don't own a boat. nor do i know anyone who does. nor did i give anyone i don't know who may own one permission to PAINT MY PHONE NUMBER ALONG THE SIDE OF SAID BOAT* TO AID IN ITS EVENTUAL OWNER TRANSFERENCE.

i'm assuming that this situation has resolved itself, as i have not received a boat call in a while. that's ok though, as i am not lacking for interesting conversation. last week my phone rang and when i answered i was greeted by a pleasant sounding elderly man who introduced himself as Grandpa and asked if i was ok, since i had just called.

i convinced him i was ok before gently breaking the news that i thought he might have the wrong number. Grandpa was greatly apologetic. he was audibly flustered and and even after i had assured him that it was ok, i didn't mind, he seemed to linger on the line. i waited for him to say goodbye and hang up, but it didn't seem to be happening anytime soon.

i grew concerned. it was nearing dinner time. what was i to do? wait forever? press the end button? you can't just hang up on Grandpa! it's unseemly.

"well, bye," i said. "have a good night." and there it ended. (anti-climactic, i know. what did you want? for the old man to cry? you're just mean, and i won't indulge that.) then i ate meatballs. they were good.

most recently, i have begun receiving errant text and picture messages. who knows from whence they came??? well, i'm guessing the west side, as it's a 310 area code, but still. that could be anywhere.

the ones on saturdays are quickly becoming my favorite though, because that's when my newest fat-fingered friend incorrectly punches in his/her friend's number, but instead sends the pictures to me. without explanation.

i'm starting a collection. so far i have brown with brown, black, and brown with white. what? it's a good start.

i think the first one might be named leroy.

*sorry uccellina and uccellina's husband.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I'll stop calling so much. We just *really* need that boat. No wonder it comes up unavailable, since we're calling from Canada, and all.

Horses are better than porn, at least. IMO.

Growing up at my parents' house, we were one digit off "Dr. Murray's" office. Constant calls from senile old-people. Try to convince them that you weren't messing with them and that they *really* had the wrong was sad, but irritating.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

omg I totally want a wrong-number dial-a-pal. Maybe he/she will send me pictures of his/her whirlwind tour of Ecuador!!!

You are always so lucky.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I hate my phone, too. I keep changing the ring just because I shudder in horror when I hear it.

Even thinking about the phone ringing makes me cringe.

Maybe you're crazy like me.

Blogger Nick said...

This post was absolutely fantastic. Who gets random anonymous pictures of horses? You're so lucky.

I hate my phone too. I hate a lot of things. Not this post though. Or horses.

Blogger babyjewels said...

I want my little pony pictures on my phone too! You have all the luck.

(Hey, I was looking at your all things handmade links and wondering if you like etsy. Because I'm now obsessed with etsy and want you to be too. xo)

Blogger tlsd said...

That's just too funny!!!

... and I have the funny phone-phobia-thing too... thank god I'm not the only freak out here.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Ooh! Horsies! I love horsies! I want the second one's name to be "Shaggy."

Oh, and I'd totally wear a ball gag for you.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Hee hee hee hee.

Sometimes the inexplicable is just that much more special unexplained.

I think the next one might be Leroy with that pink collar around his neck.

Blogger Tim said...

Who sends pictures of horses?? I thoguh picture phones were only made to take pictures of babies and boobies.

Blogger Uccellina said...

Ever since I got my phone, three years ago, people have been calling for Melissa. I think she maxed out her credit cards on booze and whores before skipping town and bequeathing me her phone number

Blogger scum said...

Uccelina, just wait til the collections agencies start calling. That happend to my wife and I after 18 months with wrong number pals, and the collection agency was insisting we had to give them a Social Insurance Number. So I called the phone company and made them change it.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

If you email me your phone number, I will call you, and I swear I won't write the number in a bathroom stall. Or, at least more than 1 bathroom stall.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

They look like my sister's horses. I swear I didn't give her your number, though.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

The second one is definitely giving you a "come hither" look. I would watch out if I were you.

I wish I had your conviction when it comes to not answering the phone. I've talked to Eric's mom twice tonight. I think I accepted an invitation to visit her son in prison and spend an evening at her timeshare. I HAVE to stop answering her calls!

Strangely enough, though, I often end up with literally 20 messages on my home machine before checking them. How does that happen?

Anonymous Cj said...

I constantly get calls for "Robin". Turns out "Robin" has the same phone number I do, just in a different area code. I used to try to be helpful, but then "Robin" called me one day to tell me to stop giving people her phone number. So I told her I didn't give them her number, I gave them mine.

"Robin" doesn't think I am funny.

Blogger jiggs said...

you're lucky. grandpa seemed awfully nice. and those pictures are marvelous. For a while I was getting voicemails from a dude that got more and more irate that i wasn't calling him back. Unfortunately, I didn't know this person and his penchant for yelling was both amusing and frightening.

Blogger me said...

you do have all the luck...

i recevied a few errant emails from some long lost unknown friend trying to reconnect with her buddy...

they stopped coming and then one day, out of the blue, i got this heartfelt letter to heaven from her. apparently i, (her friend the 'i', not me the 'i') had passed and she was telling me how much she missed me and loved me blah blah blah...
i didn't want to seem rude but i also didn't want her to think it was al like... kewl to be sending me these creepy emails so i told her i wasn't her friend.

i think she was mortified.

i'd much rather pony pictures

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Sal and I used to get these business calls all the time for a guy named Mr. Deitz. This woman would leave all these messages that went "Yes, Mr Deitz, this is Sharon. You need to call us back at..."

We got so sick of it that we changed our message so it said "Hi, this is Baker and Sally. This is not Mr. Deitz. Mr Deitz does NOT live here. There is NO Mr. Deitz here. If you are calling for Mr. Deitz, you have the WRONG NUMBER. Please stop calling."

The VERY NEXT message me got? You guessed it: "Hi, Mr Deitz, this is Sharon..."

Sigh... I hate people.

Blogger Autumn said...

that's too funny. you can have yourself a wall full of horse photos there soon if you don't watch yourself, than you're going to have to get some brown velvety furniture and such, saddle for an end table ... :)

Blogger Melina said...

This is my first comment but I just had to...I get random texts and pics all the freaking time!! I only respond to them when they say things like "Pick me up at the airport at 1:30" or "I just got out of surgery and I'm ok"...because I have a heart, it's small like the grinch's but it's there.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Uhm, Thérèse? I don't think that was a COLLAR. :)

I hate the phone, too. I'd never answer it if I could (even when I know and like whoever may be calling). I think it stems back to a random wrong number I answered while visiting my parents when I was in college (some TWENTY years ago!!!!) The dude had a very sexy texas twang and we ended up having phone sex.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Damn, all I get is guys with Spanish accents calling me at 6:00 in the morning asking for Juan.

Blogger Stephieface said...

After watching Clerks II one can only imagine why someone is sending you pics of horses..... Kinky Kelly indeed. When I first moved to Pittsburgh, the phone number I had was either very close to or used to be a jittany number. People would call at all hours asking for a jittany. Sadly, not being from Pittsburgh and being from a Southern town instead I had no freaking idea what a freaking jittany was. So I would be awakened at 1am by some lady who refused to believe that I wasn't a jittany service as I claimed. She even fought with me about it.
"I'm sorry miss you have the wrong number, I'm not a jittany service"
"No, I know you are. I have the number right here. I need picked up Downtown."
"Miss, really you have a wrong number."
"I do not! Now come pick me up! I am at ...[insert random address here]"
"Sure I'll be there in 5 minutes." hang up
Then I would pull the phone cord out of the wall and go back to sleep.

btw, if you don't know- a jittany service is some random person who decides to play taxi driver without all that pesky business of working with a bonded cab company and all. So you are in essence willfully getting into an unmarked vehicle with an anonymous person telling them your address, paying them, and expecting to be driven home all safe like.


Blogger ZantiMissKnit said...

I hate talking on the phone too.

Blogger MadMeer said...

The only thing worse than talking to friends on the phone, is talking to strange horses. I swear they're worse than teenagers.

Blogger Rrramone said...

You kill me. :-)

Blogger scumbag said...

i hate horses.

Anonymous laurie said...

I would like a unicorn, please.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Guess what came in the mail today??? Guess???

I love it love it love it love it love it love it love it!

Blogger Übermilf said...

I kinda mentioned you on my blog.

Blogger cathouse teri said...

Well Miss Kendra,
I am sure you are EASILY as fun as Gene Simmons :)

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