May 05, 2006
nobody reads friday posts, so let's talk about my vagina.

'the time has come,' miss kendra said,
'to talk of many things:
of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
of cabbages -- and sheep --
and why men find cameron diaz hot --
and stories of my peep.'

over the last two weeks at snb i have found myself telling stories of my special purpose. the only problem with that is that stitch and bitch is held in a public place, and shockingly, i have a loud voice that carries.

by "carries," i mean "causes strangers to listen in and then commence laughing at my humiliation by vagina."

and if strangers (some of them tourists, who will now bring back tales of the crazy white lady's nether regions to their assorted homelands) in the west hollywood farmer's market can get a good laugh, why can't you? why indeed.

close encounter of the vajayjay kind, numero uno**:
when i was in college i had this gynocolololologist who lived right nearby. i was having "issues" with my red states, so i saw her fairly often- and not just in the office, but out and about town. i would see her in the grocery store all the time, but she would just glance at me and move on by. the woman NEVER recognized me.

even when i was seeing her at six to eight week intervals, i was just another girl. i imagine that working in a college's gynocology office mean seeing a whole lotta pussy, so i wasn't really offended.


one day i went in for the usual (oil change, tire rotation, coffee, donuts) and per usual, she looked at me with eyes empty of familiarity. so i adjusted my paper robe, scooted my butt down the table, threw my feet up in the stirrups and waited for what i knew was coming.

she turned around, scary pre-rennaissance medical "tools" in hand, and turned on the lamp (you know the lamp. the right-up-in-your-business-lamp.) then she cocked her head to the side and said with something that can only be described as jubilation, "OH! I remember you."

close encounter of the vajayjay kind, numero dos:
one of my sisters is six years younger than i am, so when she was really little we would bathe together, for her safety (and my obvious desire for exposure to fecal choloform bacteria. she totally pooped the tub once. different story.) we would play around and make bubble hats, fun fun etc etc, so when i started wanting to take my baths alone, it was a hard transition for the little sis to make. see, i went through puberty pretty early. i had to start wearing a for real bra when i was eleven, and i have distinct memories of clutching my chest in agony after a full day of fourth grade, wishing the damn tits would pop out already.

so there i am, probably about eleven, laying in the bathtub, swishing my head back and forth under the water and pretending my hair is a mermaid tail, when my sister creeps into the bathroom, gives me the elevator eyes, and runs from the room S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G. her face was contorted in terror and agony- bright red- and here arms were flailing about as she rounded the corner into the kitchen, where my mother, father, aunt, uncle, and godparents sat enjoying coffees.

"what's the matter," my mother asked her, comforting her, worried for her safety.

and my sister looked back towards the bathroom where i was standing in the doorway- soaked, wrapped in a towel, and also concerned for her safety. she looked at me, then turned her face up to my mother and with gusto answered, "kendra's vagina has a moustache."

the end. my blush can be seen from space.

*this is the second time i've used this poem. i like it. also, whenever i hear "i am the walrus" i think of this poem, and how being the walrus essentially means (to me) that you are a person who eats his friends. and then cries about it.

**i'm using numeros because i am bi-lingual. it's cinco de mayo. that means five of mayo. which i am allergic to.


Blogger jiggs said...

Your "the jerk" reference made me fall in heart with you all over again. I love that movie.

Blogger jiggs said...

Also, I have a sister 6 years my junior and I talk about my junk all the time in public. I like to talk about how small my junk is at parties.

Blogger jiggs said...

Also, good poo jokes. In fact, this is a good post all around.

Some of my female friends tell me stories about what their ob/gyns say to them. It's generally amusing. But docs don't say a thing when they're checking out my junk. Which is too bad.

Blogger Annika said...

These stories really do not stop being hilarious.

Blogger Sachi said...

I laughed so hard last night that I came home hoarse.

I just laughed until I cried again.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Sachi is a horse?!

You are a walrus?!

Dude. I totally did that mermaid hair thing, too. We are *so* the same person.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Your vagina didn't have a Hitler moustache, did it?

Blogger LotusKnits said...

Whee! Mermaid hair!! Mine too has a moustache. But that's now, not then. Then...well...nevermind.

I see your blush and I'll raise you a guffaw.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Why DO men find Cameron Diaz hot? Because I've seen her in good light with no make up and girlfriend could use some Proactive. If it's good enough for the Diddy, it's good enough for her.

Also, I'm now imagining your nether regions with THAT moustache and laughing like mad.

(my word ver has JJ and ath, which is kind of like Vajajay and bath mixed)

Anonymous Meg said...

Hey, I password protected my blog so email me here: so I can give it to you :)

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

This post was a delight from start to finish. The story itself, plus "mayo", plus "The Jerk", plus E. coli.

Big ups for use of my favorite word, "vajayjay".

Puberty sucked ass.

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed thinks that he and your vagina should become better acquainted.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Can I meet you for lunch sometime??

You are incredible.

Blogger Tim said...

awesome stories. Pretty muc hall stories about vajayjays are awesome. But, these were especially awesome.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I think I love you.

Blogger Sunflowerfairy said...

I usually read your blog in the morning over my nice warm cup of tea. I usually, about once a week, end up spitting a sip (or two) out all over the keyboard and screen.

This afternoon I realized my kid needed more attention and didn't get to you this morning. So I sit here with my mushy oatmeal snack, reading along...minding my own beeswax when all of the sudden you actually use the word vajayjay in a sentence. And not just one sentence either.

You are a goddess.

And I think I need a new keyboard.

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

oh my gosh. Hilarious... and painfully embarrassing, I can imagine.

Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

So, so funny. Makes me glad I was an only child until I was 14.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

bravo on the V stories. This inspires me to tell a few of my own some day:)

Blogger Übermilf said...

I just found out I am going through perimenopause, which happens to most women between the ages of 35 and 40.

I will be 37 in September, so I guess I'm on target.

Would you like to know what happens to your vagina then, or do you want to be surprised?

Blogger said...

Thanks for giving us a laugh at your vajayjay's expense... Hee.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Screaming... with the... and then... *laughing* ... at the... "moustache"... ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Gawd, you poor thing. Or rather, your poor vagina.


Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Well, at least your vagina didn't have a fu manchu. That would be weird.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

All the funny cookie talk makes me more sad that I live too far to come to stitch and bitch.

Blogger Autumn said...

that's a story to save for your sister's wedding toast if i ever heard one.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

Thank you for sharing. It seems all of my favorite female friends now use the word "vajayjay"!

I definitely tried the mermaid thing, but I was more often trying very hard to look like Cousin Itt (of course I'd then sit up and do the George Washington).

Blogger Marcheline said...

Damn. That was funny!

Blogger Beeb said...

That was an awesome moustache!

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

Great stories miss k
I talk about vaginas so much now I just say vag

Blogger Frog said...

Love the stories... Tell us More :)

Blogger Krystle said...

Ahhh Kendra, You totally just made my day. lol.

"Moustache" AAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

miss k, I am really bad a remebering things like this but I think you are the blogger who knits. If so this site is for you:

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