May 23, 2006
it's like this, fool.

i got to vegas and my camera was dead. this is the only picture i have:



which means you will have to view some pictures over at jiggsblog a little here and some more here.

allegedly there will be more "tomorrow." which means that without photographic evidence, you will simply have to believe that everything you read here is true.

as it generally is.

we were all married, except booty who has a woman (and preternaturally sensitive nipples), and it was the best i've ever had.
this is the absolute truth. i married them all in the following order: jiggs, tasty mcj, slappy. slappy was last because he's tall.

booty was the man of honor, but he slept through most of it so don't listen to anything he says about anything. also he was drunk pretty much the whole time and trying to fondle jiggs' twissleman. we were married by the first elvis we saw, who happened to be on some fat guy's tshirt.
we ordered three hookers from 69-69-69-6 and used them as models for the new jiggswear for women line.
this is less true. we wanted to order hookers, but they all hurt our eyes. this one girl brutalized my retinas with her ann-coulter-face and i understood suddenly why people kill prostitutes, if only for a moment.

by people i mean booty, and i'm only saying it because i can tell you guys anything. he told me not to tell, but his face is obscured so no one will ever really know. just you and me, internet. yup.
someone had nice boobs and it wasn't me.
like i said, i totally have nice boobs. and we did see several other sets, including one set wearing pasties, but they weren't fun or badass or super elegant. they were just plain, and a total waste of vision. pasties are supposed to bring joy to the world, but these pasties made me sad, and that's wrong.

my breast spotting skills are unparalleled. (boobdar.) i found (for my jiggs-harem's viewing pleasure) pastied boobs, hugenormous boobs, and drunken / gratuitously licked in public boobs. that's right. but the boobs most often remarked upon were those of jiggs himself, as he has glorious man boobs, and is not afraid to use them to his advantage. it's how he got us all late checkouts at the hotel.

it's also how he wrangled me. (yes i said wrangled. shut up.) rowr!
someone used the word cock gratuitously and it probably was me.
i think this one is pretty self explanatory. cock! cockle! cockamamie!

it seems that the gentlemen weren't sure exactly what to make of me, and so we met at a buffet to insure a wealth of reasons to break away (in case of creepiness of the not so charming variety.)

later they told me that i had significantly fewer chances to escape, as jiggs had become the keeper of my purse (it sat next to him quietly while we ate; it was full of roofies and that shit makes you sleepy). how would i escape without them knowing i was headed for the door? that's when i told them i needed to get up to change my tampon, and suddenly they knew i was their kind of girl. for i am a real classy broad. oh yes. the class is just running off me.
someone was impregnated with a million babies.
i can't reveal this one, but i assure you that each of these million babies will find a good home.

i hope.

because you, and only you can help. for the cost of a cup of coffee, you could help me send the million babies to school- and i could buy them shoes, and stop putting bandaids on their nipples. because your 2.45 tall non-fat mocha latte means matching sequined pasties for everyone.

god bless america.

4 eva fool!

just keepin' it real. (slappy!)



24 Comments:

Anonymous Meg said...

k, so i didn't read the entire post (i will after dinner) but you are so adorable!

that is all

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I can't understand half of what you are talking about, but I am devouring it all, then regurgitating it and devouring it again.

And how is it possible to kill a hooker only for a moment?

Oh ... never mind ... I have grammar issues.

Was I there in spirit? Did you think of me?

Damn straight ya did.

Blogger jiggs said...

I wrangled you! Finally my man boobs come in handy!

I'm a little jealous that you keep going "slappy!" all over the place. The jiggs life picture made me feel better, though.

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

I think for the cost of a cup of coffee, I'm going to give one of them a cup of coffee.

Blogger briana said...

Funny, I was just thinking about Ann Coulter the other day:
http://ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Digging that hat.

That is all.

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: i keep saying slappy because its funny.

you get all the glory because the whole blog is named after you.

besides, i went on and on about your moobs, which is enough. right? right!

tasty!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I love ya.

I do, ya know.

And your hat, too.

Blogger jiggs said...

Can I help it if I want all your attention directed at me? Short answer: No.

Blogger Beeb said...

I absolut-ly love that hat! Cute cute cute!!!

Blogger Übermilf said...

I love the hat, although it reminds me of charlie mcarthy.

Blogger TastyMcJ said...

It's true, Jiggs can't help it.

Cheers.

Blogger TastyMcJ said...

It was a lovely wedding.

The public boob-licking was a nice touch I thought.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

SO. JEALOUS.

And, also, you are ridiculously cute in your little hat.

Blogger ladylinoleum said...

The hat is you!

Blogger karla said...

Vegas! Hmmphf. Yet another fun trip you took without inviting me. I'm crossing you off my "Bestest Friends Forever and Everrrrr!" list right now.

Don't bother apologizing. I'm a grudge-holder.

Blogger slappy said...

I am pleased you are keeping it real, but I must report that your sure-fire can't-miss free-money slot machine strategy failed me. It made Tasty a $16.50 profit, but I lost my $20 in almost straight sets. I hit a 2-credit payoff three times when the payline came up three blanks. You're lucky you have the coolest hat in the world or I'd be mad at you.

Blogger Booty J Patrol said...

I go away from the internet for 10 hours, and this is how you repay me? By severly mocking me?

Blogger Booty J Patrol said...

If it weren't for your cool hat and your amazing ability to spot boobs, I might just be mad. :)

Blogger TastyMcJ said...

I'm sorry to hear that Slappy. I was seriously envisioning moving to Vegas and growing fat off those slots.

Oh well.

I guess I'll just have to work for a living.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

How did the camera die???

Blogger Thérèse said...

Ha! It sounds like you had an absolutely fantastic time, Miss Kendra. As expected.

I'll admit that I'm mildly surprised that the hooker fact is less than true.

Poor Booty. Cat's out of the bag. I half expect him to say "You agreed that what happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas!"

Blogger Uccellina said...

I'm glad you had a good time. I wish I'd been able to go with you. Pooh.

Blogger Nocturnal said...

That loox like one hell of a trip, good times all around.

Cheers

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