April 12, 2006
weekly feature?

so here at *golden state* we have clearly been struggling for content lately. not because i have become uninteresting or irrelevant, it's just that constant discussion of my utter and complete failure to meet my potential has become passe. plus, this next thing is way more fun.

i was trying to think of something i know alot about, besides cookies, vodka, general (and private first class) naughtiness, or yarn... when it dawned on me that i am a veritable cornucopia of blogaliciousness. i'm spilling over. really. and here's why:

because bad things happen to me all the time! also, i'm pretty much insane and so i regularly obsess over odd and disturbing things! plus, i'm basically a medical textbook, chock full of crazy disease and physical deformity. jackpot!

today's weird body part is: my feet!

weird thing number one (re: my feet)
i have extra boney things. mostly it just looks like i have thirteen ankles. i'm ok with the way it looks, but it can make shoe wearing rather uncomfortable as there are weird protrusions where there should be none. my feet are like the head of a triceratops.

one time, at band camp jew camp, i went white water rafting, and because i am just the girl these things happen to, i was thrown from my raft. my foot got lodged between two boulders and when they pulled it out, one of the spurs shifted on to my achilles tendon leaving me paralyzed. my leg just went all stiff and useless like paris hilton, but less slutty. i spent the rest of the summer (at sleep away camp) on crutches. it was fun, like death but (also) less slutty.
weird thing number two (re: my feet)
my feet are flat. very very flat. so flat, in fact, they are inverted.

i am not making this up.

i have "overpronated" feet. this is what it looks like when i stand normally:
these are not actually my feet,
but they look essentially the same.
except cuter.


i totally used to wear orthopedic shoes, which increases my sex appeal exponentially. seriously. hello!

anyways, i haven't worn them in a long time and apparently it's starting to show. this past weekend i went for a walk and ended up with the worst shin splints in the whole wide world. you can actually see them. so i sucked it up and ordered myself some motion control shoes to prevent my feet from rolling inwards like that. they are hawt, and you will tell me so (repeatedly) when they arrive and i am forced to wear them instead of pretty heels... at least until i stop wanting to chew my own legs off to end the pain.
weird thing number three (re: my feet)
despite all of this, i still have happy feet.


i'm almost positive i have the ammunition to make this a regular part of *golden state*, and while i find that relatively frightening, it's also quite entertaining.

so stay tuned for "the amazing story of the evil christmas light" and "that one time i got scarlet fever."



37 Comments:

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I love this new weekly feature!

While I think it is wrong to post photos of body parts that are not your own, I will let it slide this time, since the photo is a reasonable facsimile of the real thing. You just stole it from someone stupid enough to post a photo of their ... ummm ... feet online.

Thank you for the lesson on dinosaurs and overpronation, I feel smarter now.

Picturing your shapely feet in ortho-shoes made me do an involuntary Kegel exercise. Gross! I took a picture of it though, and will be posting it on my weekly body-parts post after I steal your idea.

Blogger Libby said...

I have overpronated feet as well. Unfortunately, combine this with super high arches and I'm nine kinds of fucked up.

Also, I have a grossly deformed muscle in both of my feet and can not only pinch people and pick things up with my big toe and toe-next-to-big-toe, but can cross my pinky toe over its neighbor without using my fingers, with sheer muscle retardation alone.

And now the entire internets knows, and I must cry.

Blogger Nick said...

Don't take this the wrong way but, if you do end up cutting off your feet, um, can I have them?

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

I'm going to have nightmares about those ankles. (You did say they weren't your feet otherwise I would have said they were all sexy and shit)
FYI, you will soon learn that people will start showing up from doing searches for sexy women's feet, thanks to me ;)

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

At least you have a cute pedicure. My feets are grossness personified.

Blogger jiggs said...

This post talking about how you are a freaky nerd coincided with my declaration that I'm looking for a nerd freak. Coincidence? I think not.

Blogger eebmore said...

Oooo! Oooo! Get the "Heel and Sole Build-up" kicks from the Swiss Balance orthopedic shoe people. those things are awesome (no joke... seriously).

Oh yeah, i have a french pedicure too. Just thought you would like to know.

Blogger eebmore said...

also, I was really jealous of all the kids who got to go to jew camp. I felt like I was left all alone with my sad non-jewness for six weeks while all my friends got to go to what I imagined was exactly like Meatballs... but with a jewey center.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I am waiting with bated breath. I have a sneaking suspicion that "that one time i got scarlet fever" might be sort of hot.

On an unrelated side note, my favorite line in this blog was:
"stiff and useless like paris hilton, but less slutty." But you probably already knew that.

And your feet are adorable. At least you don't have hobbit feet.

Blogger babyjewels said...

I'm a child of orthodics myself. My feet are killing me right now in my worn out nikes. But I refuse to put on the mbts. I can't. I won't!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I love your feet. And I had scarlet fever too! We are so MFEO.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

You may have me beat. And I know from weird feet. Go here and click on my foot.

My website desperately nees to be updated, by the way... Not that my foot status has changed.

Blogger Michelle said...

Stop! You're turning me on!

Blogger The Joker said...

this is amazing. So, are you like so flat footed that when you walk your feet making farting noises(if your walking barefoot on the kitchen floor)? I really like you sight! Do you think you'll get enough people to not see Tom Cruises new movie, for it to make an impact?

When you get a chance come to my sight...

Sincerely,

Chadd Stoops (a.k.a.) "The Joker"

Blogger me said...

how come orthopedic shoes have to be made so ugly?

is it a prerequisite or something? that they be ugly...

Blogger Moe said...

I did a little math:

(one pair of my supinating, high arched feet, bowed outward ankles) + (your pronating, flat feet, with inward rotating ankles) / 2 = healthy pain-free normal walking.

I'll call Dr. Nick for an appt.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

You should raise money for your ortho shoes by opening a Kissing Booth. I'm sure you've had Typhoid fever at some point, given your other maladies.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Maybe that's a new product line you can invent.

Orthopedic shoes that actually look good.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

My feet have 4" scars running down the first metatarsal. I wear my combat boots every day, even during the hot, sweaty summer. My second toe is twice as long as my first. I was an "E" width before the surgery; now I'm a fat "C".

My mom has perfectly formed size 5 1/2 feet.

Ergo,
Pretty feet are Satan's personal playground.

Blogger Autumn said...

by third toe is longer than my second on one of my feet. how embarrasing...

enquiring minds want to know - did you paint your toe nails all pretty just for that picture? :)

Blogger miss kendra said...

spinning girl: i’m glad you found this educational. i’m like a walking case study for the freakishly obscene. i know it was wrong to post someone else’s feet, i appreciate your kindness.

libby: wow! you can do foot tricks! at least if you lose and arm in an accident you could still knit probably.

nick: sure. is this a “scientific” thing? i don’t really care. just wondering.

captain howdy girl: yeah, it looks pretty bad from above too. like my feet are melting. and somewhere out there a creepy man in his basement just finished.

laurie ann: i try. because my feet are so odd looking and enormous and covered in tattoos, people tend to look at them. so i paint the toes up nice and make it worth their while.

jiggs: of course not. we’re meant for each other. except for my feet, which are meant for nick.

eebmore: i got some weird sneakers that are slightly less ugly and once i have the health insurance i’ll get custom fit ones. again. also, jew camp was not as fun as you hoped. i liked art camp better. there was more bracelets and less saturday morning services.

sassy: scarlet fever was very hot. (i wax my big toe because it grows a handful of hairs i find unseemly.)

jewels: put them on. you know it’s the right thing to do. imagine yourself in mbts, and imagine yourself scooting down the street on a skateboard because you are a legless stump. which do you prefer?

brooke: scarlet fever is for cool kids.

wombat: AWESOME! have i mentioned lately that you rule in all the best ways? our feet should be friends.

michelle: i know, i’m a sexy beast.

joker: sometimes they do actually. and all my shoes get worn down in the middle and the outsides remain pristine. i will pop over later.

me: it’s punishment for being different. shoemakers hate us. that’s why i love pretty shoes so much, because i shouldn’t have them. they are the forbidden fruit.

moe: i’m not good at math, so i trust you on this one.

acw: probably. is that the one where blood comes out your eyes? because i had that last tuesday.

melissa: i’ve been thinking about it! really!

Blogger miss kendra said...

monkeygurrl: my feet look okay except for all the weird pointy outie things. i'm sure your feet are lovely.

autumn: no, i usually have a french pedicure. i like the way it looks. makes my feet seems more elegant and cleaner. i do it myself though- i can't afford real ones.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Well I will say this: if anyone can make orthopedic shoes look good, it's you baby. *heavy wink*

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I could probably use a pair, or five, of Pedorthics.

Blogger jiggs said...

But I want your feet too! whine!

Blogger MadMeer said...

We have a lot in common! I scraped the side off my ankle riding on the handlebars of a BMX when I was 7, and I also used to sell orthopedic shoes. And let me tell ya, the men will flock while sporting those suckers. Oh yeah...flock..in a direction...somewhere. :)

Blogger Nick said...

Jiggs, god damn it, get off my kool aid.

Blogger jiggs said...

I'm all up in your kool aid, motherfucker!

Blogger nefarious said...

ahhhh u have gorgeous feet- damn u to salsa-classes-with-eminem hell!!

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Moo.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Dammit. Blogger ate my comment.

1. Crap makes good blogging.
2. My. God. You're falling apart.
3. I would guess if you are Jewish, you're just fulfilling the role of your people: the suffering, the crap, etc. Please don't take offense to this comment. I'm saying it with a touch of jealousy.
4. I heart your blog.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend, but a woman's best friend is a good pair of orthopedic shoes. If you want to make your life easier, I have two words for you: Velcro straps.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Miss Kendra I love this idea. I do, I do.

And I'm glad you have happy feet.

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

Why are so many women insecure about their feet?

Blogger elcapitanhink said...

My take on your feet is as follows: I don't gather you'd take photos of them if you really thought they were abominably wierd.

Like me, for instance: I keep my 13th finger completely under wraps.

Blogger miss kendra said...

therese: thank you. i agree. i would totally bedazzle them.

pants!: we both could. let’s be roommates in the old age home. meet you there in 50 years.

jiggs: maybe you guys can share?

madmeer: men LOVE my orthopedic shoes! i am constantly having to remove them from mens’ nether regions. it’s like a gravitational pull!

nick: there’s enough koolaid for everyone.

jiggs: see above.

nefarious: salsa classes with eminem? really?

lou reed: awesome. my cow will be named “sunday dinner.”

fritz: i’m so jewish. i suffer with the best of them. and i heart your blog!

mary worth’s smug sense of self-satisfaction: your name is too long. do they make Velcro in leopard print? because if they do, i’m so in.

therese: happy feet! i’m tap dancing under my desk right now.

dirk: i’m not! i posted them on the internets. i’m just pointing out they’re physiological oddities.

elcapitanhink: i don’t think they’re weird. i think they’re kind of cute, but theat doesn’t make them any more normal. just because they look pretty doesn’t mean they work pretty.

Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Yes, I concur. Though I'm not a foot man per se, they are quite lovely, as feet go. Truth be told, I've dated a few princesses, and they've all had splendid toe-holders. Well, the Sephardim at least. *Poconos rim shot*

I have pronate feet too -- I mean, you should see the state of my birkenstocks.

p.s. - Chag Pesach Sameach. I hope you got the big sprig.

Post a Comment

<< Home

golden state