this post is a free write that i am forcing myself to publish because i am choosing to uncensor myself. i am always forgetting that i can make a choice.
have you ever had something happen to you and it was so funny or weird or amazing but you couldn’t tell anyone because in order for them to understand they would have to have been there for your whole life?
lately i feel anxious all the time. i can't make a simple decision because i'm so afraid to be wrong. i feel that i'm stagnating, stewing, maybe rotting.
i want to progess- i want to meet and exceed my potential. but i also want to be happy and not settle and not censor myself for the sake of that possible future. i don't ever want to wear a suit, but i don't ever want to struggle for money like i do now.
i don't want to be corporate- i fear the emptiness it brings. but i don't want to be a grunt so that i can present myself the way that i like. i know there are people who make it work- who are passionate about something creative and make their careers happen and shout fuck all to the people who have problems with their blue hair and tattoos. i used to have passion. now i just try to make it through a day. how do you get to be one of those people? how do you not get beaten down and tired of fighting?
yesterday morning i found three gray hairs and two white ones. i'm not really bothered by that- i'm hoping for a nice thick streak- but it made me acutely aware that, of course, i'm getting older. that i have a master's degree- i'm a writer- i'm a creative person- and i make photocopies and do mailings everyday? my ten year reunion is in two years and i have a million funny stories i could tell but nothing i'm particularly proud of.
so last night i spent some time on the worst site on earth looking up people i used to know. i added a few friends who i miss, but for the most part, i realized sometimes you're better off cutting people out of your life.
because with no effort at all i find all these people and i know that of course they can (and- i'm sure- have) found me and suddenly i am full of the same self-doubt, the discomfort, the unhappiness. the churning stomach, the panicked breaths. i hate that these people who i don’t even care for can make me feel this way- that i should edit my profile and re-read my blog because maybe i look stupid in this picture, or not pretty, or not hardcore.
i’m a complex person- many of us are. i am simultaneously a very soft and feminine woman who enjoys dresses and baking and yarn and maybe sometimes cries when a husband says something genuine to his wife; and also a tough calculating woman who doesn’t particularly care for traditional romance but likes rock and roll, vodka and ufc.
there are some people who make me feel like i should be ashamed of the softer part of me- that i have somehow sold out or become uncool by being happy.
and no matter how happy i am, i’m not sure i’ll ever be happy.
i’ve worked really hard and i work really hard to make it through everyday. i've accomplished something really spectacular by finding some happiness in a fucked up life in a fucked up world. but i feel penalized for that- like i’ve done something wrong.
was i never supposed to leave home? was i supposed to stay miserable and in my small town and at the local coffee shops, listening to that same unsigned band i listened to in highschool and whose front man tried to hook up with me when i was seventeen and he was twenty-seven and that was eight years ago and he's still in that band? is that the life that would have made me happy?
maybe. if i still lived at home or atleast in that small town i would probably be bartending, staying out late, having time for myself to read and make things and wearing my septum ring out instead of tucked in. and those things would make me happy.
but i'm glad i came to california, as hard as it's been. i'm still me here, and if me isn't happy, then how would that change it? it's not where i am that matters so much i think. it's maybe somewhat about what i do, but mostly what i do needs be listen to myself more and trust myself more and think about other people less. i am not defined by other people. what they think of me is their life, not mine.
i need to be more selfish.
i need to be more assertive.
i need to do the things i think about doing- i think about them all day long.
i need to make the choice.
to be continued...