April 30, 2006
things never are what you think they are

i was going to post an entry to whip up's whiplash contest today, but after hours of labor i had little worth showing.

my mind creates things my hands cannot make.

and so i sat on the couch and plucked the poly-fil from its fabric casing and slowly stuffed it back into its plastic bag for next time, next time i think of something that will never take shape.

i watched a television show about people who have so much money they have to make things up in order to spend it all- they actually admitted to not being able to spend it all- and then i cried a little for the hour's worth of their pay that would change the entirety of my life. no more debt to limit me- no more staying where i am just because i cannot leave. i could start in the direction i have finally chosen.

i carried the laundry down the stairs and envisioned myself falling- tumbling and crashing. the roundest places of me colliding with sharp corners, as they are wont to do. bruises and blood. eventual quiet.

my heart creates things my life cannot make.

i'm tired.



25 Comments:

Blogger d2ana said...

the blogosphere believes in you, kendra.

Blogger LotusKnits said...

my heart creates a lot of things my life can't make.

but you girl, are loved by people who've never even met you. that's a feat.

you will get there. believe it and you'll see it.

*hugs*

Blogger Sachi said...

My dear, some day I will share with you my disasters with acrylic paints. Nope... not pretty.

Blogger Nick said...

It would be a pity as I am quite fond of the roundest parts of you. And by that, I mean your mind.

My word verification almost spelled tapeworm.

Blogger FRITZ said...

You have absolutely crowned the meaning of life in this post. When we don't get what we desire, we die just a little bit.

Hold out, Miss Kendra. Your round parts and sharp parts, witty parts, smart parts, all sorts of parts will be with you on that day when you look up and say, "Hey. I'm doing good, today. I'm doing just fine."

PS: I'm thinking of claiming bankruptcy. This would let me get out and watch some movies, I think, without wondering what to do for rent.

Blogger jiggs said...

I like your round parts. and I don't mean your mind.

I'm gonna make you a little something something.

Blogger Übermilf said...

There is an upside to being poor for awhile, but you won't see it until things get better for you (which they will. It just sucks really bad right now and that's hard to imagine.) Because you are poor now and living without "stuff," you will see how ridiculous "stuff" is and even when you can afford to buy "stuff" you won't want to because it will all seem so sill and pointless.

Thus, you will never be ruled by "stuff."

Anonymous Meg said...

Aww, Miss Kendra :(

I wrote about three paragraphs worth of sappy shit before I realized that I've been in the same boat and no matter what people say nothing can make living in debt better- except for maybe "Here's a [insert huge amount] dollar check. Have a ball."

Don't worry, it'll get better. Keep chipping away at it and eventually your balances will be at zero. And trust me, there's no better feeling than writing that very last check. Hell, when I wrote mine it was practically like having 90 orgasms.

It damn near killed me.

Blogger me said...

sometimes after reading one of your posts i cry a little at my desk at work... you quantify it...

i've died a little inside every day since november- i'm waiting to hear if i'll get acceptd to school and won't know until may... and i feel like i'm in limbo, i can't move forward and i never want to go back... but then i grab a vodka and cranberry and forget for a little while... but it only makes me hate everything else

i guess we all struggle through life together.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

"my mind creates things my hands cannot make."

wow.

Blogger Stacey Budge said...

Although the whiplash project looks intreguing, working in advertising I learned that good creative ideas rarely happen when you slam yourself against a deadline no matter how much beer they ply you with. But if you live creatively, it flows effortlessly.

You my dear seem to live a truly creative life (the way you dress, the way you write, your sense of humor), don't be afraid of your scary dark art. That shit is really fun to set on fire. Or it may be you best work ever.

Blogger briana said...

Um, yeah... but you WROTE something today. Even if your writing was about inibility of action you still amnaged to eke out some words.

That, and apparently you made someone cry. These two things would qualify for a highly successful weekend as far as I'm concerned.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Yesterday I bought one of those posable wooden human figure thingies that you use to draw from, you know those?

I drew on her, a slutty outfit I totally couldn't get away with wearing, and also, ballet slippers. I miss dancing. I miss the body I had that COULD dance the way I once did. I have so much to say and I can't say it that way anymore.

I also bent her in sexual positions but there is nothing metaphorical about that, it was strictly for my own amusement.

At least the mind is always free, Miss Kendra.

Blogger Autumn said...

hum... if you lived by me i would make you a nice dinner to warm you up! don't fall down any stairs.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Blogger Uccellina said...

. . . but I love you?

Blogger Quirkalot said...

I wish we could talk more. I wish I could do something to help you. Truth is, I can barely help myself these days. I wish you were more of a phone person; that's where I thrive.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I heart you.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I think you should compile a gang of Kendra's Eleven and we can alleviate all of these bastards of their extra cash.
If anyone could mastermind that plan, it would be you.

Blogger briana said...

Oh! Can I be the Sammy Davis Jr. character? I'm a jew AND can already sing the theme song... "One day I'll buy me a chauffer and a block long limousine... E-O-Eleven, Eeee-O-Eleven."

*I am refereing to the 1960 original staring Sinatra and my main man, Dean Martin, 'natch.

Blogger Thérèse said...

I agree with Ubermilf.

But I do know how you feel. (sigh)

Blogger scumbag said...

being poor builds character. and i got character like a motherfucker!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Have you ever been to www.goldenstate.blogspot.com? I was just there (accidentally). What a trip! I was like, WOW. Miss K. *really* got creative!

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

And the awful thing is that not being able to spend all their money is a dilemma to them. It may even be the worst part of their lives.

Blogger Uccellina said...

I had a bad dream about you last night. E-mail or call and tell me you're okay.

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