April 26, 2006
i might be gay*

*alternately titled: wherein i quote briana, which makes good blogging. clearly.

so, this past weekend i went gay. it was pretty cool, and i'm not sure it's worth the trip back.

it all started with an evite and i was halfway gay already. i mean, i've been in california for almost two years and i can count on one hand the number of times i've "gone out." so being invited somewhere was like love at first sight.

briana had her birthday celebration on saturday. it was in silverlake, which might as well be guam because i spent a whole hour in the car to get there. i heart the freeway. it makes me want to drive into a high wall. we (briana, constance and i) went to the brewery, which you should say all nasal-like, and which is essentially a big dorm for artists with trustfunds because it's all lofty and open spaced and commune like. also, there's art. specifically, the bi-annual brewery art walk, which is where you get to walk around their studios and look at their works and they have discounted rates (as opposed to outrageous gallery rates.) mostly you really go to look at where people live and all the stuff they have, because who doesn't want to be a spy?

i would make an AWESOME spy.

so we saw some cool stuff, like the church of art where this guy built some crazy contraption that makes music! from old car horns and pretty much flubber.

he sang songs! it made my foot all tappy.
that (and erect nipples) tell me when someone's g.o.o.d.

it ruled. there was some crazy shit on the walls, and velvet curtains (they had me at hello) and this guy on the side who painted a picture on plastic to each song- then took a photograph- and when the song was over, wiped it away. each painting was so ephemeral, it really turned out to be one of the most spiritual experiences i've encountered in a long time. i got all thinky and shit.

the ghost is holding a martini. 'nuff said.

we also saw some really really bad art, like the lady with the seventies drug vibe (i don't mean that in a good way, though normally i totally would.) she had this painting of a skeleton in a clown suit and it looked like scary fleamarket art. it was soon forgotten when we encountered "the american penis of death" (not it's actual title), a highly-colorful painting of an erect and ejaculating penis that was red white and blue. that would be bad enough, right? except that it had two pumping (hehe) fists, and was perched atop a pile of dead bodies and body parts. i wish i could have taken a picture- i think it played a large part in the eventual gayness of the whole excursion.

we needed a good palate cleanser after that, so we strolled around looking for something that might ease our now incredibly troubled minds. we saw a studio with light sculptures of bugs that was pretty cool, but unfortunately really dark, because when he let me take pictures of the sculpture i liked best, it wasn't a light one, so the pics are all flashy. i forget the guy's name, but i have it written down somewhere. the piece was called possibilitree.and a poor quality close up. it ruled. you love it.

we came upon a studio for some leatherworker who thought he was much cooler than he actually was, but there was a bald lady in there who had glued sequins to her head and then flocked it in black velvet. it was probably the coolest thing ever. except for possibly this:

of course i would dumpy and thick next to the stream-lined wonder of delorean. oooh sexy!

then we went out to dinner at "malo" where they have delicious white sangria that makes your brain pound like death the next morning- even if you make sure to stop drinking early and throw back water and aspirin and even if you pray to the martini ghost. which of course is just not fair. the martini ghost saves!

later we did one of my most favoritest things in the world: we went to a dive bar! yay! you know it's really and truly a dive bar when you go into the bathroom and happen upon something like this.

and it only gets better when you put in fifty cents and get something like this:

STEP ONE- the outer shell

STEP TWO- the first layer

STEP THREE- surprise!

mostly what i loved about this bar was that we did karaoke, and not the shiny wannabe LA kind- the sort where there's three other people there so you get to go up and sing over and over and over. because obviously people want to hear you sing every jewel song in the catalog. obviously.

all day and night long i had been trying to get a feel for constance. she seemed very sweet, appearing slightly more reserved than briana and i. she mentioned she was a drummer (and i love drummers. i want to rub myself on their hawt hawt arms) and that she would teach me to ride a bike, (and possibly also to twirl my pasties) but i knew it was love for sure when she stepped in front of the karaoke micraphone and sang not one, but all of the following songs:

1. girl you know it's true- milli vanilli
2. eyes of a stranger - queensryche
3. pour some sugar on me - def leppard
4. another song that i am forgetting but that turned me enormously gay

i heart constance!

she and briana will be in vegas the same weekend as me and jiggs casey, so i think todd better start laying down some tarp and stockpiling the likker.


Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Can I love her too? From afar?

Am I cool enough for that?

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

sounds like a fantastic night!
I need to start putting more coins in bathroom stall dispensers cause that thing was hilarious.

Blogger christianne said...

I feel kind of famous -- my dress made it into the very corner of the picture of Connie!

Blogger Libby said...

Omigod, you are adorable, with your saddle shoes and your cute hair.


Be in Vegas with me in August. Roller derby. Nuff said.

Blogger Nick said...

God I love Queensryche. I seriously do.

Also, that bar looks pretty clean to be a dive.

I wish i could go to vegas, it sounds like good times will be had.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

OK, I am totally living vicariously through this post and planting myself next to you and your fucking fabulous purse.

Oh --- on the other side, not between you & Constance. No.

Blogger puck said...

i love girl crushes :>
love the art, thanks for sharing your very cool night.
i lost any semblence of cool i may have once possessed after i moved to omaha (no offense intended to some wonderful people i have met here, but) lets face it i ain't never gonna see the great americam penis painting-thingie here in the "heartland"...wait, maybe that is ok. anyway, good luck with constance :>

Blogger jiggs said...


Blogger jiggs said...

ok. I'm capable of a proper comment now.

You're coming to vegas and you're bringing friends! This is gonna be fun! I told Tasty about this and he made a joyful shout.

Blogger jiggs said...

Also, we can go to the liberace museum.

Blogger jiggs said...

and I would be remiss if I didn't point out that you look cute in the car photo.

Blogger jiggs said...

one more comment!

Blogger Sysm said...

Have you gone to El Carmen? It's a quasi-dive bar full of Lucadore memorabilia. It's at Third and Crescent Heights. My favorite L.A. spot.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Firstly, I would love to accompany you to any art gallery in California. Secondly, we're all a touch gay. But I'm glad you got out.

It looked like fun.

Also: you so DON'T look dumpy and thick next to the delorean. Don't get me wrong: the delorean is a stream-lined wonder and I hear Christopher Lloyd somewhere in the back of my head. But you look absolutely divine, like a pin-up girl. Look at those saddle shoes! Ach! I heart Miss Kendra, and might go a little gay for you, but only in the acceptable, let's swap bras way.

Thank you for the long post. I've been looking forward to a good read from you.

Blogger me said...

you are so unbelievably cool i want to stalk you in person...

and then steal your identity... you know... like that movie? with less stabby stabby and more *please* let me just be like you for a week

o and no man stealing either... *promise*

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

1. Saddle shoes? Adorable.
2. Girl crush? Fun!
3. Snatch a Match? Please tell me that you gave that to someone. Please. That's hilarious.
4. Me? Jealous. Sounds like you had a GREAT time.


Blogger LotusKnits said...

I would go gay for you Miss K. Big ole girl crush over here. Sexah, especially next to the Delorian.

Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

That was so funny.

Blogger Thérèse said...

That looks like sooo much fun! I am the jealous, in the good way.

And it is my personal opinion that this is the only way to do karaoke.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

I'd turn gay for you in a heartbeat, Kendra. Except that I am already.
A man, I mean. Not gay. Well, except for like that 10% gayness that makes me want to sleep with George Clooney. But other than that I'm all gladiator, baby.

Okay, the gladiator reference was kind of gay, wasn't it? Maybe I'm 15% gay. Oh, what was my point here?

My point is that if I was a lesbian I'd hump your ankles.

Blogger ladylinoleum said...

It was a great night!

Anonymous Constance said...


I heart you too - madly! I can't wait to hang out again...and I've wanted to go to the Liberace museum forever, Jiggs! I went to Vegas last with my boyfriend at the time, Jake, who wanted to play blackjack all day. I entertained myself with a very fun nickle slot called Risque, interactive where you could get cartoons to strip for you. I got Jake's methodist mother hooked on it too, and came out with a bucket o' nickels, which amounted to about 35 bucks - but no Liberace.

PS I've had Total Eclipse of the Heart stuck in my head for 5 days!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

You are sooooooooooooo gay. And I am so jealous - I've been jonesin' for a dive bar. First the ink, now this. You are living the life I want!

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

sounds like a fun night. but if you wanted to be "gay" in that way, all you really had to do is show the world you know how to spell "def leppard" correctly.
I, of course, used copy/paste. there are few things more gay than def leppard :)

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

What is it about karaoke that brings out the Jewel in all of us. And let me tell you, the wait staff at Bob's Big Boy do not appreciate a good Jewel sing-a-long at 3:00am. Not one bit.

I love the tree sculpture. I am a little key obsessed.

Blogger Autumn said...

you guys look like you had a great time.

i'm so bummed i wasn't invited!

Blogger sleepydog said...

I just recently started reading your blog and it is by far the coolest blog I've come across in ages and you are definitely one cool lady. If I wasn't a happily married man I would profess all kinds of love for you, but instead I'll just have to be totally gay for you.

Blogger MadMeer said...

She had you at Milli Vanilli? Awww. That is so romantic.

That delorean pic takes back to Back to the Future, only you are way hawter than MJ Fox.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

A couple of things...it actually bothers me that it appears there were no matches in the naughty matchbox. I'm not sure that this is okay.
The other thing is that I have that same cherry handbag. See? I told you it was meant to be.
Last, but certainly not least, when are you going to Vegas? I will be there the first weekend in May.

Blogger jiggs said...

I like constance already.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...


We're ALL a little gay for Miss Kendra.

Blogger GrandPooOfAwesome said...

that is so fucking hot.

Blogger Lulu said...

I love the word, "snatch." It's my alternative "bitch" word.

Blogger briana said...

I'm violently opposed to the fact that my witty and devious comment - posted YESTERDAY - never did show up.

Don't know if will make it to Vegas after all - my 3 week seduction plan has been unleashed upon the afore mentioned gonzo journalist and currently well underway with phase 1 having been kicked into overdrive - which is only of consequense as my singlemindedness may interfear with that weekend.

Whatever. You should come over and get drunk with me this weekend. Or at least bring the boy over for homemade pasta and we can sit around and watch the cat masturbate.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I might be gay too. Got plans for this weekend?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i guess that makes me a little strait 4 u

Blogger Übermilf said...

Turn around...

Bright eyes.

Every now and then I fall apart

Blogger kidcola61 said...

thanks for making my day - c is for cookie - that's good enough for me!

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