all will be revealed in due time my friends. and by due time i mean "on friday."
since i've been gone (you can breathe for the first time) (seriously, i heard from a guy i know who used to tour with her that kelly clarkson is really nice. i think she would make a good friend. do you hear me kelly clarkson? i don't particularly like your music, but i totally voted for you based on that one time you sang forties music with a white flower in your hair and i think you should come over and make banana bread with me.)
no really, since i've been gone, i've received some lovely things in the mail! i love getting things in the mail that aren't bills or summons or dirty homemade pipebombs!
therese sent me a great card which i won't reveal to you because it was full of unabashed stalker-like tendencies and ass-kissery. i liked it. i left it on my bedside table for weeks. then i folded it up real small and put it where the picture of Boy used to be in my wallet.
me sent me a shiny bracelet and some sunshine from bermuda. the sunshine tasted like envelope glue when i licked it. she also sent a postcard with johnny barnes on it, who is possibly my new favorite old man, since the untimely and tragic loss of my one-true-old-man-love, pat morita (scroll down).
spinning girl, my one-true-secret-girlblogger-love, took all my frantic requests to heart and sent cookies!
spinnning girl don't read this next part!
unfortunately, due to my food allergies i was not able to eat these cookies, which made me very sad. don't tell spinning girl because this was so nice of her and even thought i couldn't eat them, i totally loved receiving them and staring deep into their delicious eyes! i heard they were divine from the lucky folks who did eat them. (i'm keeping one forever in my keepsakes box. then someday when they cure allergies i will totally eat it. hopefully they will be able to cure broken teeth then too.)
spinning girl may resume reading here!
the best gift by far was one i got just this past saturday. i'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, but still.
Boy and i were walking along pacific avenue because we wanted to go to aardvarks on venice beach and buy clothes. we were waiting at the intersection where the venice boardwalk really opens up, where all the buildings are all painty and muralified (so a word) and i got this weird feeling of someone being very close to me. so i turned around.
and saw this.
he was peeing into a plastic cup at a major intersection, holding his stubby dirty band-aid covered penis within two feet of me.
clearly i now have any number of the following communicable diseases:
chicken pox (i already had this, but i bet he's grown a new strain.)
haemophilus influenae infection, invasive
hantavirus pulmonary syndrome
hemolytic uremic syndrome
hepatitis a through z
lead ‑ elevated blood levels
mad cow disease
pertussis (whooping cough)
rocky mountain spotted fever
toxic shock syndrome
viral hemorrhagic fever
west nile virus
i think i'm going to go back next weekend and see if i can't collect the whole set.