April 17, 2006
all good gifts

first let me apologize for my absence. shit has been going down, yo.

all will be revealed in due time my friends. and by due time i mean "on friday."

since i've been gone (you can breathe for the first time) (seriously, i heard from a guy i know who used to tour with her that kelly clarkson is really nice. i think she would make a good friend. do you hear me kelly clarkson? i don't particularly like your music, but i totally voted for you based on that one time you sang forties music with a white flower in your hair and i think you should come over and make banana bread with me.)

no really, since i've been gone, i've received some lovely things in the mail! i love getting things in the mail that aren't bills or summons or dirty homemade pipebombs!

therese sent me a great card which i won't reveal to you because it was full of unabashed stalker-like tendencies and ass-kissery. i liked it. i left it on my bedside table for weeks. then i folded it up real small and put it where the picture of Boy used to be in my wallet.

me sent me a shiny bracelet and some sunshine from bermuda. the sunshine tasted like envelope glue when i licked it. she also sent a postcard with johnny barnes on it, who is possibly my new favorite old man, since the untimely and tragic loss of my one-true-old-man-love, pat morita (scroll down).

spinning girl, my one-true-secret-girlblogger-love, took all my frantic requests to heart and sent cookies!

they can watch the whole way down!

spinnning girl don't read this next part!
unfortunately, due to my food allergies i was not able to eat these cookies, which made me very sad. don't tell spinning girl because this was so nice of her and even thought i couldn't eat them, i totally loved receiving them and staring deep into their delicious eyes! i heard they were divine from the lucky folks who did eat them. (i'm keeping one forever in my keepsakes box. then someday when they cure allergies i will totally eat it. hopefully they will be able to cure broken teeth then too.)

spinning girl may resume reading here!

the best gift by far was one i got just this past saturday. i'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, but still.

Boy and i were walking along pacific avenue because we wanted to go to aardvarks on venice beach and buy clothes. we were waiting at the intersection where the venice boardwalk really opens up, where all the buildings are all painty and muralified (so a word) and i got this weird feeling of someone being very close to me. so i turned around.

and saw this.

he was peeing into a plastic cup at a major intersection, holding his stubby dirty band-aid covered penis within two feet of me.

clearly i now have any number of the following communicable diseases:

arboviral infection
avian flu
campylobacter infection
chicken pox (i already had this, but i bet he's grown a new strain.)
escherichia coli
granuloma inguinale
haemophilus influenae infection, invasive
hantavirus pulmonary syndrome
hemolytic uremic syndrome
hepatitis a through z
kawasaki syndrome
lead ‑ elevated blood levels
lyme disease
mad cow disease
meningococcal infection
monkey pox
pertussis (whooping cough)
rocky mountain spotted fever
small pox
toxic shock syndrome
viral hemorrhagic fever
west nile virus
yellow fever

i think i'm going to go back next weekend and see if i can't collect the whole set.


Blogger FRITZ said...

Do you have a plushy disease for each one?

I collect them, you know, as a hypochondriac, myself.

The plushies, that is.

I don't have SARS.

But I did just diagnose myself on WebMD: I have pneumothorax.
My lung collapsed last night.

You have good blogging friends.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I am so glad that you liked the cookies! I hope you ate every single one, slowly, savoring every morsel!

I seriously hope you don't have monkey pox. I caught that from an orangutan once (not from you-know-who; his hoo-hah is as pristine as the newfallen snow!) and one of the symptoms is giant purple pustules on your lips and tongue. Don;t ask me how I got it in my mouth. I would much rather have uterus-fall-out than a relapse of the pox!

Blogger Egan said...

Kendra, you got some nice stuff in the mail. How sweet of bloggers to send you those neat treats.

Your list of diseases is only missing the following letters: f, i, j, n, o, q, u, and z. You have some disease catching to do.

Blogger Libby said...

What on earth are you allergic to?

And how come there's no picture of Boy in your wallet no mo'?

And how come I lost your address and half my brain and want to send you something, but can't remember what?

Email me. I've posted a picture of me smiling. You owe me as much :)

Blogger Frog said...

Oh oh oh, what lovely cookies!!!

Blogger briana said...

*Wipes tears from eyes*
You are the funniest person I barely know. Seriously, as of your last post, you are officialy on my list of reasons why Los Angeles Doesn't Suck.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Miss Kendra! I'm so glad to see you back. There has been a big cookie shaped hole in my everyday life without you.

I'm sorry about your 48 (ya, I counted them...so?) possible communicable diseases.

However, please know that I would still lick you.

Does the "What Am I Dying From" wheelie help keep the dieseases in line? Or at least diagnose the possible symptoms?

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Clearly, I typed dieseases on purpose. I'm not an illiterate f*ck. Promise.

Blogger Bonanza JellyBean said...

Aww, man! Why couldn't you have written this post after you got my present?


My present isn't as good as all those.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I don't know if I still have your address.

I've been a big loser lately anyway.

Blogger GrandPooOfAwesome said...

Those cookies are totally staring at me. I don't have your address because you never gaved it to me. Yo.

Blogger jiggs said...

I totally want to be friends with kelly clarkson too. And by be friends, I mean do it.

He must have had a band aid on his junk because he wanted to be modest... But seriously, a monkey pox on that band-aided wanged man!

I should totally send you a gift because you give me fever.

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

Gifts? I'm going to go with the safe bet and wish you a happy birthday. I'm not very good at keeping up with blogs so I missed whatever your were celebrating. happy whatever and many more¿¿

fuck, is that word ver donw there? Damn, I've come to far to go back now

Blogger miss kendra said...

fritz: if only i had a plushy for each one! you know i totally want the necrotizing fasciitis one soooo bad, right?

spinnerina: they’re so good! i’m eating them right now! i don’t think i got the monkey pox, but only time will tell. until i’m sure it’s probably best that we keep these monitors between us though.

egan: i would love to know a disease or eleventeen for each letter. now that’s a skill.

libby: i just meant that Boy could be replaced at any time with the right hallmark greeting.

frog: you have no idea!

briana: thanks! i do my best to be a cupcake of ill repute.

sassy: this is reassuring. the wheelie has been little help, though it comes in handy for scratching itchies. (i know you can read. you can read all night long.)

bonanza jelly bean: when is that arriving, btw? and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

ubermilf: i heart uber! i heart uber! uber’s no loser!

grandpoof: the cookies find you irresistible. and for the address? all you have to do is ask, and possibly also email me.

jiggs: he had several band-aids on his junk. all i could think was that there must be some nasty sores under there. and yes! i love gifts! (the one you sent me in my email was pretty awesome!)

Blogger miss kendra said...

captain howdy girl: it wasn't my birthday. people just love me, because i'm cute and smell nice, and have incriminating video tapes.

sorry about the word ver, but i got like 35 porn spams in one day. if it makes you feel better, mine was "figli."


Blogger Laurie Ann said...

A big ole EEWWW on the crusty penis. I'll bring you a toy this week at SnB (provided you make it).

Blogger MadMeer said...

Allergic to cookies? Oh my god! That is the saddest thing I have ever read (today)! What a horrible condition.

I love your cartoon homeless guy. I bet he was cute once. Maybe when he was 5 and playing boys chase girls. I guess he never really grew out of that phase, huh? Only now it's homeless guy pee on girls and transmit scary alphebetized diseases.

Oh, I tagged you. Sorry if it's a repeat.

Blogger Nick said...

Don't rush the judgment on that Uber thing.

I wanted to send you some presents too, but I thought it might be weird. You know, a random gift from a random guy just showing up... little weird. I mean, you sent me something, but I purchased it from you so that's a little different.

My middle name is Hallmark Greeting, did you know that?

I kid.

Seriously though, it is.

The avian flu is nothing to sneeze at.

Get it?

My god, why won't I shut up.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

In order of coolness, from totally fucking awesome to lame beyond belief:

1) The drawing of the Pee-Squeezer. Best MS Paint EVER.

2) The cookies. Best cookies EVER.

3) The list of diseases. Best astonishingly comprehensive list of horrible diseases EVER.

4) The Pee-Squeezer himself. Best bum ever. Not in a good way.

I'm coming to LA, if only to stand heroicaly between you and the pee-spurting hordes.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I think the bandaid penis man you saw might be my future husband. Next time you see him would you be a doll and slip him my number?

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

What evidence is there that you smell nice? I smell like Johnson's baby lotion.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

those have to be the coolest cookies ever.

Blogger Tim said...

you don't have any of those diseases. He had a band aid covering the diseases.

Blogger me said...

the best part of having all those diseases is... you know they most likely cancel each other out...

i.e. three stooges syndrome? on the simpsons?
you know, when the doctor illustrates by shoving all the cute little cuddle bug diseases through a door.. "move it chowder head...nuck nuck nuck"

HA! i make myself laugh...

Blogger Nick said...

I wonder if there was neosporin on his penis too...

Blogger me said...


bada bing!

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Oooooh...pertussis AND trichinosis AND dysentary.

Good God, you are a doctor's dream...

Blogger Stacey Budge said...

Wow. I am allergic to cookies too. I miss cookies, especially girls cout shortbread cookies.

Is it the wheat? The Gluten-Free Pantry has a kick ass brownie mix. Best I have had EVER.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

so, are you taking antibiotics then? It cures everything you know.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

I hope you ran like my "car-spider" was chasing you.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Which one is the clap?

Blogger miss kendra said...

laurie ann: i love toys! i’m there! (seriously. i’m typing this on my laptop from under the staircase at the farmer’s market. when do you think they’ll open the doors?)

madmeer: i can only eat the most boringest of cookies. BUT! i love them anyway! i will investigate this “tag.” i hope it’s not contagious- i’m already quarantined.

nick: you wanted to send me presents? holy cow! i’ve made it! i’m really somebody! i would LOVE to receive presents from you. i will email you my address. (keep talking, i like it.)

wombat: in order of numerals, because that’s the way i roll:
1. thank you. i love how you love my mspaints, because you can draw for real and it makes me feel speeshul.
2. most definitely.
3. i actually left out almost all the sexually transmitted ones because i don’t even like to think about them. ebola and hanta disease are all funny-like, but herpes? no laughing matter.
4. he really was. who puts band-aids on his penis????
5. please do. i will be waiting.

pants: i already did. i’ve got your back.

captain howdy girl: i smell like cookies! it says so all over the internets!

knitty kitty: you know it. i don’t know much about timtams, but imagine the wonder of a timtam shaped like an eyeball?

tim: tim tam! i don’t think band-aids are an effective means of disease control. i’ll check with the cdc.

me: i think they mostly do cancel each other out. except the monkey pox.

nick: eew.

me: jackpot! that list is pretty funny.

melissa: i’m everyone’s dream!

stacey budge: i’m allergic to eggs and dairy proteins. so most desserts are off my list. but hooray for unglutened brownies! i make vegan banana bread and oatmeal cookies and they are delish!

tumbleweed: i can’t stop thinking about your boob. and if by antibiotics you mean “vicodin” then YES!

miss weinstein: i turned to Boy and asked him if indeed that was a band-aid encrusted peener dangling into a kegger cup. he confirmed, and when the light changed we sped across the street. when we left the store though he was still there! aack!

acw: whichever one the doctor told you you have is the clap.

Blogger puck said...

oh goody, medical humor!
you are too funny, love the list, by the way i can call you in a prescription for some ointment or something :>
the boyfriend and i often strip at the backdoor (no, not for fun)and immediately carry our clothes down to the washer after a shift, then bathe in acid to get all the bugs off. mmmmm, MRSA (methacillin resistant staph aureua...now conveniently available in a community aqcuired form), VRE (vancomycin resistant enterococcus)...
whoever said my job wasn't fun, your bum is every third patient i see.

Blogger puck said...

not entirely related but, something i thought you might be interested (read: horrified by) in the following:
it is way out of hand, be prepared. not for the weak of heart

Blogger Bonanza JellyBean said...

1. UPS says it should be delivered to you tomorrow. If you don't get it tomorrow then you have my full permission to kick the snot out of the UPS man.

2. I deleted my blog for a while. But don't worry...fruit loops and porn will return again.

Blogger miss kendra said...

puck: yeah, about that? i think the man has OFFICIALLY crossed the line into crazytown, population scientology. i know people do this, but i'm pretty sure his publicist is shitting bricks.

bonanza: i will totally kick him in the nards if it's not here.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

I stand corrected.

Good God, you're everyone's dream!

Blogger LotusKnits said...

Miss K: I'm pretty sure I met your Pee Squeezer the last time I was in LA. Pinch him on the bum for me, would you?

Oh, and since you think I'm cute (I know you do) I'd gladly get any number of diseases directly from you. You wouldn't have to mail them to me. But that would be cheaper.

Blogger Thérèse said...

I love that you alphabetized those.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

So, just curious. Who *did* eat the cookies?!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I take a break and you dump me for Spinning Girl. *sniff sniff...sob*

Blogger Marcheline said...

Okay, let me get this straight. You saw a drawing of a guy with a bandaid on his penis on the side of the road?

That IS odd!

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