April 30, 2006
things never are what you think they are

i was going to post an entry to whip up's whiplash contest today, but after hours of labor i had little worth showing.

my mind creates things my hands cannot make.

and so i sat on the couch and plucked the poly-fil from its fabric casing and slowly stuffed it back into its plastic bag for next time, next time i think of something that will never take shape.

i watched a television show about people who have so much money they have to make things up in order to spend it all- they actually admitted to not being able to spend it all- and then i cried a little for the hour's worth of their pay that would change the entirety of my life. no more debt to limit me- no more staying where i am just because i cannot leave. i could start in the direction i have finally chosen.

i carried the laundry down the stairs and envisioned myself falling- tumbling and crashing. the roundest places of me colliding with sharp corners, as they are wont to do. bruises and blood. eventual quiet.

my heart creates things my life cannot make.

i'm tired.

April 26, 2006
i might be gay*

*alternately titled: wherein i quote briana, which makes good blogging. clearly.

so, this past weekend i went gay. it was pretty cool, and i'm not sure it's worth the trip back.

it all started with an evite and i was halfway gay already. i mean, i've been in california for almost two years and i can count on one hand the number of times i've "gone out." so being invited somewhere was like love at first sight.

briana had her birthday celebration on saturday. it was in silverlake, which might as well be guam because i spent a whole hour in the car to get there. i heart the freeway. it makes me want to drive into a high wall. we (briana, constance and i) went to the brewery, which you should say all nasal-like, and which is essentially a big dorm for artists with trustfunds because it's all lofty and open spaced and commune like. also, there's art. specifically, the bi-annual brewery art walk, which is where you get to walk around their studios and look at their works and they have discounted rates (as opposed to outrageous gallery rates.) mostly you really go to look at where people live and all the stuff they have, because who doesn't want to be a spy?

i would make an AWESOME spy.

so we saw some cool stuff, like the church of art where this guy built some crazy contraption that makes music! from old car horns and pretty much flubber.

he sang songs! it made my foot all tappy.
that (and erect nipples) tell me when someone's g.o.o.d.

it ruled. there was some crazy shit on the walls, and velvet curtains (they had me at hello) and this guy on the side who painted a picture on plastic to each song- then took a photograph- and when the song was over, wiped it away. each painting was so ephemeral, it really turned out to be one of the most spiritual experiences i've encountered in a long time. i got all thinky and shit.

the ghost is holding a martini. 'nuff said.

we also saw some really really bad art, like the lady with the seventies drug vibe (i don't mean that in a good way, though normally i totally would.) she had this painting of a skeleton in a clown suit and it looked like scary fleamarket art. it was soon forgotten when we encountered "the american penis of death" (not it's actual title), a highly-colorful painting of an erect and ejaculating penis that was red white and blue. that would be bad enough, right? except that it had two pumping (hehe) fists, and was perched atop a pile of dead bodies and body parts. i wish i could have taken a picture- i think it played a large part in the eventual gayness of the whole excursion.

we needed a good palate cleanser after that, so we strolled around looking for something that might ease our now incredibly troubled minds. we saw a studio with light sculptures of bugs that was pretty cool, but unfortunately really dark, because when he let me take pictures of the sculpture i liked best, it wasn't a light one, so the pics are all flashy. i forget the guy's name, but i have it written down somewhere. the piece was called possibilitree.and a poor quality close up. it ruled. you love it.

we came upon a studio for some leatherworker who thought he was much cooler than he actually was, but there was a bald lady in there who had glued sequins to her head and then flocked it in black velvet. it was probably the coolest thing ever. except for possibly this:

of course i would dumpy and thick next to the stream-lined wonder of delorean. oooh sexy!

then we went out to dinner at "malo" where they have delicious white sangria that makes your brain pound like death the next morning- even if you make sure to stop drinking early and throw back water and aspirin and even if you pray to the martini ghost. which of course is just not fair. the martini ghost saves!

later we did one of my most favoritest things in the world: we went to a dive bar! yay! you know it's really and truly a dive bar when you go into the bathroom and happen upon something like this.

and it only gets better when you put in fifty cents and get something like this:

STEP ONE- the outer shell

STEP TWO- the first layer

STEP THREE- surprise!

mostly what i loved about this bar was that we did karaoke, and not the shiny wannabe LA kind- the sort where there's three other people there so you get to go up and sing over and over and over. because obviously people want to hear you sing every jewel song in the catalog. obviously.

all day and night long i had been trying to get a feel for constance. she seemed very sweet, appearing slightly more reserved than briana and i. she mentioned she was a drummer (and i love drummers. i want to rub myself on their hawt hawt arms) and that she would teach me to ride a bike, (and possibly also to twirl my pasties) but i knew it was love for sure when she stepped in front of the karaoke micraphone and sang not one, but all of the following songs:

1. girl you know it's true- milli vanilli
2. eyes of a stranger - queensryche
3. pour some sugar on me - def leppard
4. another song that i am forgetting but that turned me enormously gay

i heart constance!

she and briana will be in vegas the same weekend as me and jiggs casey, so i think todd better start laying down some tarp and stockpiling the likker.

April 25, 2006
BLARGH! @#$^%&@(#$(&!!!

i assure you, i am still alive. i had planned on writing something brilliant on my lunch, but the boss made me go eat with him. the food was delicious... the company was "interesting."

i'm not so sure about all this.

please know that i am reading all of you through bloglines, so though my comments might be few and far between, i really am keeping up.

(acw has a face herp. see? i totally knew that.)

April 23, 2006




tomorrow i start a new job, though i doubt it will last. i have made a decision regarding my future- finally- and have given myself a deadline to take steps in that direction. by this time next year, i must be actively pursuing my life.

i'm not sure how the new job will be, but i promise to keep up with all y'all motherfuckers.

now let's just see which of you can keep up with me.

April 20, 2006
to be continued

i apologize- or i don't.

i don't.

this post is a free write that i am forcing myself to publish because i am choosing to uncensor myself. i am always forgetting that i can make a choice.

have you ever had something happen to you and it was so funny or weird or amazing but you couldn’t tell anyone because in order for them to understand they would have to have been there for your whole life?

lately i feel anxious all the time. i can't make a simple decision because i'm so afraid to be wrong. i feel that i'm stagnating, stewing, maybe rotting.

i want to progess- i want to meet and exceed my potential. but i also want to be happy and not settle and not censor myself for the sake of that possible future. i don't ever want to wear a suit, but i don't ever want to struggle for money like i do now.

i don't want to be corporate- i fear the emptiness it brings. but i don't want to be a grunt so that i can present myself the way that i like. i know there are people who make it work- who are passionate about something creative and make their careers happen and shout fuck all to the people who have problems with their blue hair and tattoos. i used to have passion. now i just try to make it through a day. how do you get to be one of those people? how do you not get beaten down and tired of fighting?

yesterday morning i found three gray hairs and two white ones. i'm not really bothered by that- i'm hoping for a nice thick streak- but it made me acutely aware that, of course, i'm getting older. that i have a master's degree- i'm a writer- i'm a creative person- and i make photocopies and do mailings everyday? my ten year reunion is in two years and i have a million funny stories i could tell but nothing i'm particularly proud of.

so last night i spent some time on the worst site on earth looking up people i used to know. i added a few friends who i miss, but for the most part, i realized sometimes you're better off cutting people out of your life.

because with no effort at all i find all these people and i know that of course they can (and- i'm sure- have) found me and suddenly i am full of the same self-doubt, the discomfort, the unhappiness. the churning stomach, the panicked breaths. i hate that these people who i don’t even care for can make me feel this way- that i should edit my profile and re-read my blog because maybe i look stupid in this picture, or not pretty, or not hardcore.

i’m a complex person- many of us are. i am simultaneously a very soft and feminine woman who enjoys dresses and baking and yarn and maybe sometimes cries when a husband says something genuine to his wife; and also a tough calculating woman who doesn’t particularly care for traditional romance but likes rock and roll, vodka and ufc.

there are some people who make me feel like i should be ashamed of the softer part of me- that i have somehow sold out or become uncool by being happy.

and no matter how happy i am, i’m not sure i’ll ever be happy.

i’ve worked really hard and i work really hard to make it through everyday. i've accomplished something really spectacular by finding some happiness in a fucked up life in a fucked up world. but i feel penalized for that- like i’ve done something wrong.

was i never supposed to leave home? was i supposed to stay miserable and in my small town and at the local coffee shops, listening to that same unsigned band i listened to in highschool and whose front man tried to hook up with me when i was seventeen and he was twenty-seven and that was eight years ago and he's still in that band? is that the life that would have made me happy?

maybe. if i still lived at home or atleast in that small town i would probably be bartending, staying out late, having time for myself to read and make things and wearing my septum ring out instead of tucked in. and those things would make me happy.

but i'm glad i came to california, as hard as it's been. i'm still me here, and if me isn't happy, then how would that change it? it's not where i am that matters so much i think. it's maybe somewhat about what i do, but mostly what i do needs be listen to myself more and trust myself more and think about other people less. i am not defined by other people. what they think of me is their life, not mine.

i need to be more selfish.

i need to be more assertive.

i need to do the things i think about doing- i think about them all day long.

i need to make the choice.

to be continued...

April 19, 2006
breaking headline!

i kid you not: in the last several hours, a minimum of three- no, four- unrelated people have contacted me via email or phone to ask if this article was about me.

as far as i know, i'm ok.

which means there's a possibility that it is indeed me, and i have just blocked the whole thing out with the awesome and formidible powers of my motherfucking mind.

i figured i should address this before anyone else got their panties all in a bunch.

in other sad and disturbing news, my blogging pals are dying off at an alarming rate. this confirms what i had heretofore thought to be a vile and malicious rumor: nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm going to go eat worms.

April 18, 2006
i forgot

i totally meant to post this for sunday, but clearly i suck.

please enjoy a belated easter-gram* (also a way to pass time till my brain can blog again) and do not take my abject horror to be a commentary on the resurrection of christ. i just hate big pink bunnies in purple neck tutus. don't tell the kids, but i think the bunny might be gay. and will you look at those teeth?

*or chag sameach, for my jewfolk out there. you're so jealous that my food allergies allow me to continue eating leavened bread. mmmm leaven-y!

April 17, 2006
all good gifts

first let me apologize for my absence. shit has been going down, yo.

all will be revealed in due time my friends. and by due time i mean "on friday."

since i've been gone (you can breathe for the first time) (seriously, i heard from a guy i know who used to tour with her that kelly clarkson is really nice. i think she would make a good friend. do you hear me kelly clarkson? i don't particularly like your music, but i totally voted for you based on that one time you sang forties music with a white flower in your hair and i think you should come over and make banana bread with me.)

no really, since i've been gone, i've received some lovely things in the mail! i love getting things in the mail that aren't bills or summons or dirty homemade pipebombs!

therese sent me a great card which i won't reveal to you because it was full of unabashed stalker-like tendencies and ass-kissery. i liked it. i left it on my bedside table for weeks. then i folded it up real small and put it where the picture of Boy used to be in my wallet.

me sent me a shiny bracelet and some sunshine from bermuda. the sunshine tasted like envelope glue when i licked it. she also sent a postcard with johnny barnes on it, who is possibly my new favorite old man, since the untimely and tragic loss of my one-true-old-man-love, pat morita (scroll down).

spinning girl, my one-true-secret-girlblogger-love, took all my frantic requests to heart and sent cookies!

they can watch the whole way down!

spinnning girl don't read this next part!
unfortunately, due to my food allergies i was not able to eat these cookies, which made me very sad. don't tell spinning girl because this was so nice of her and even thought i couldn't eat them, i totally loved receiving them and staring deep into their delicious eyes! i heard they were divine from the lucky folks who did eat them. (i'm keeping one forever in my keepsakes box. then someday when they cure allergies i will totally eat it. hopefully they will be able to cure broken teeth then too.)

spinning girl may resume reading here!

the best gift by far was one i got just this past saturday. i'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, but still.

Boy and i were walking along pacific avenue because we wanted to go to aardvarks on venice beach and buy clothes. we were waiting at the intersection where the venice boardwalk really opens up, where all the buildings are all painty and muralified (so a word) and i got this weird feeling of someone being very close to me. so i turned around.

and saw this.

he was peeing into a plastic cup at a major intersection, holding his stubby dirty band-aid covered penis within two feet of me.

clearly i now have any number of the following communicable diseases:

arboviral infection
avian flu
campylobacter infection
chicken pox (i already had this, but i bet he's grown a new strain.)
escherichia coli
granuloma inguinale
haemophilus influenae infection, invasive
hantavirus pulmonary syndrome
hemolytic uremic syndrome
hepatitis a through z
kawasaki syndrome
lead ‑ elevated blood levels
lyme disease
mad cow disease
meningococcal infection
monkey pox
pertussis (whooping cough)
rocky mountain spotted fever
small pox
toxic shock syndrome
viral hemorrhagic fever
west nile virus
yellow fever

i think i'm going to go back next weekend and see if i can't collect the whole set.

April 12, 2006
weekly feature?

so here at *golden state* we have clearly been struggling for content lately. not because i have become uninteresting or irrelevant, it's just that constant discussion of my utter and complete failure to meet my potential has become passe. plus, this next thing is way more fun.

i was trying to think of something i know alot about, besides cookies, vodka, general (and private first class) naughtiness, or yarn... when it dawned on me that i am a veritable cornucopia of blogaliciousness. i'm spilling over. really. and here's why:

because bad things happen to me all the time! also, i'm pretty much insane and so i regularly obsess over odd and disturbing things! plus, i'm basically a medical textbook, chock full of crazy disease and physical deformity. jackpot!

today's weird body part is: my feet!

weird thing number one (re: my feet)
i have extra boney things. mostly it just looks like i have thirteen ankles. i'm ok with the way it looks, but it can make shoe wearing rather uncomfortable as there are weird protrusions where there should be none. my feet are like the head of a triceratops.

one time, at band camp jew camp, i went white water rafting, and because i am just the girl these things happen to, i was thrown from my raft. my foot got lodged between two boulders and when they pulled it out, one of the spurs shifted on to my achilles tendon leaving me paralyzed. my leg just went all stiff and useless like paris hilton, but less slutty. i spent the rest of the summer (at sleep away camp) on crutches. it was fun, like death but (also) less slutty.
weird thing number two (re: my feet)
my feet are flat. very very flat. so flat, in fact, they are inverted.

i am not making this up.

i have "overpronated" feet. this is what it looks like when i stand normally:
these are not actually my feet,
but they look essentially the same.
except cuter.

i totally used to wear orthopedic shoes, which increases my sex appeal exponentially. seriously. hello!

anyways, i haven't worn them in a long time and apparently it's starting to show. this past weekend i went for a walk and ended up with the worst shin splints in the whole wide world. you can actually see them. so i sucked it up and ordered myself some motion control shoes to prevent my feet from rolling inwards like that. they are hawt, and you will tell me so (repeatedly) when they arrive and i am forced to wear them instead of pretty heels... at least until i stop wanting to chew my own legs off to end the pain.
weird thing number three (re: my feet)
despite all of this, i still have happy feet.

i'm almost positive i have the ammunition to make this a regular part of *golden state*, and while i find that relatively frightening, it's also quite entertaining.

so stay tuned for "the amazing story of the evil christmas light" and "that one time i got scarlet fever."

April 10, 2006
the scariest post ever

today i join in a righteous battle- a cause worth every ounce of energy i can muster. today i stand tall and fight because i believe in one thing, and one thing alone.

tom cruise is a seriously fucked up individual. i was going to write "dude" but i thought about it and figured a gender inspecific word might be better.

(not pictured: beard wife, crazypants)

anyway, todd over at viva las vegass has put into being what i had only dreamed. he has endorsed a boycott, and i have decided that jumping on the screaming-during-birth bandwagon is the least i can do. after all, living in LA means when the thetans drop their bodies and xenu returns etc, etc that i will be in the direct path of their hostile takeover.

if he's allowed to continue to spread his crazy like a resistant std, it will be the end of all good pills, umm i mean good things.

no, i meant pills. i cannot tell a lie.

by joining this boycott, you will be saving me from the only thing worse than being stuck in an endless escher-esque loop of the hoff's package: tom cruise.

thank you.

April 07, 2006
it lives.

i have nothing really to say other than i would like some pudding. no wonder i have gained (secret evil number of) pounds. we got a scale. can you tell?

someone in europe wants to be a princess boy. (number 9 on deutsche google!) shocking!

but even better- i was the number 8 result for "uterus fall out" on regular google. it made me laugh.

April 05, 2006
like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full

...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one,
they plopped to the ground at my feet.

-sylvia plath, "the bell jar"

April 04, 2006
i am alive. (barely)

the move went pretty darn well. the only thing to do now is get something up on the walls to make it more homey. i was hoping we could get a little something like this. oooh. geeky.

i have a sore throat and possibly a fever, so i am looking forward to the forthcoming hallucinations. i haven't been for real sick in a year, so it's pretty much time.

everything about the new apartment is fairly excellent. i like it! so far the cat broke a mirror, pickles won't walk up the stairs because he hates me and wants me to throw him out a window, and the stove top electrocuted me during the stirring of last night's dinner. already like a grillion times better than the last hellhole. which still hasn't been rented, so techinically, we have TWO apartments.

i love debt.

please ignore my ramblings. i'm a very sick woman. cough cough.

my return is imminent. till then, don't you forget about me.

golden state