March 15, 2006
terror! horror! fright!

have i mentioned at all ever that i am wearing crazypants? and that they call attention to my lady lumps? mostly i’m okay with this- the pants, not the lumps. the crazypants can be useful. they give you a little extra power sometimes because you can see room to move where there may not actually be any. but it’s okay- you’ll fit. you'll make it happen. you’ll slide right through, for the crazy pants are made of crisco. or possibly warming k-y. slip and slide, baby. slip. and. slide.

the problem with crazypants is that if you wear them too long, you start to feel like you can’t take them off. eventually you pee yourself from all the gin (what? where’d the gin come from? it comes with the pants, people. gallons of it.) and before you know it you’re camped outside the coffee bean pleading for change and watching people crinkle their noses at the smell. your smell.

proof of my theories.

lately i have become acutely aware that, like most people, i have “quirks.” by quirks i mean MANY MANY colorful pairs of crazypants. for example: i don’t like it when my foods touch, so i used to eat out of sectional tupperwares for safety. i also count my steps as i walk, in my head, in song. this does not interfere with conversation or activity because it is my (questionable) nature. i don’t even like numbers, but there i am, all, “one two three lalala, four five six lalala.” stairs = syncopation. fancy!

i also have phobias. phobias being irrational fears, which makes them something i really shouldn’t have because me? totally rational.

but.

i fear hummingbirds. actually, i fear birds in general. from far away they’re alright, but i can’t get too close because they might fly into my face. in fact, i believe that my face is their final destination. this goes for bugs too. moths, lady bugs, butterflies. they freak me the fuck out. basically anything with wings.

i think i might be afraid of faeries and angels now too, but *phew*, the gnomes will protect me.

it’s not just wings. anything creepy crawlie sends me into a tizzy, and we all know tizzys are never a good thing. in elementary school some of the really clever (read: would have gotten shot at columbine) kids called me millerpede. to them i now say, “you went to yale and my mom spent my college fund on a criminal’s attorney! you have a job with actual money and i am selling my belongings on ebay for cash (seriously. i’ll post them tomorrow. buy my crap to support the cause!)! you have nice apartments and cars your parents bought you! so, um ha! and more ha! clearly i win with my superior intellect and shiny silver shoes. because you don’t have shiny silver shoes, do you? i thought not.”

i would have to say that my biggest phobia is (deep breath because by invoking their name they will probably appear) spiders.

i know this is a common phobia. both of my sisters have it. but. i am different. example: when my dad kills one in a tissue, he will chase them around with it. just a little. it’s funny. (no it’s not.) still, he knows better with me.

because i will die.



i cannot be in the same room as a spider. i cannot sleep knowing there is one in the apartment because it could find me in the night. i once realized there was one in the shower with me and right after i hit my head on the wall trying to escape it, i ran from the shower naked, never taking my eyes off it incase it jumped. because some of them, they jump. and who’s to say they can’t all do it and they just haven’t yet because they want us to believe they can’t?????? you can’t prove they can’t jump. you also can’t prove they don’t have mace or weapons of mass destruction.

i am so terrified of spiders that i cannot even look at one on tv. which is why this new quirk surprises me. i mean, i know a whole lot about spiders. know thy enemy, right? you don’t have to tell me the swallowing spiders while sleeping thing, because i know. and anything you can tell me about spiders, i can imagine worse.

and yet i have spent about three hours a day for the last several days here. (seriously, i’m not working. i’m looking at other people’s icky rotting skin. it’s like i’m preparing for Armageddon.

this is the most informative one i’ve found. (it gets gross. don't say i didn't warn you.)

this is one i keep going back to. (it makes me shake it’s so scary. and yet i bookmarked it. i have problems.) it’s been linked by snopes and its status is undetermined. that clearly means it’s true. true!

there is something wrong with me. i keep reading this and waiting, reading, waiting. because really. isn’t this just the sort of thing that would happen to me?

i think i need to buy one of these. maybe thirteen.


maybe thirty five.



31 Comments:

Blogger babyjewels said...

Holy Crap! That spider site threw out any intelligent comment I may or probably didn't actually have.

hold me tight.

Blogger eebmore said...

*shivers* i get the same way with anything that addresses astronomy or the cosmos in general. sci-fi movies and tv shows don't bother me, but NOVA and pbs stuff that talk about the vastness of it all and actual distances in space and shit literally freak me the fuck out. real life panic attacks and the sweat starts shooting out of me like a rocket. suspension bridges do that to me too, but mostly space freaks me out most of all. planetariums or I-max movies are totally out of the question. is there a categorized phobia for the fear of space?

... why did I tell you that?

Blogger miss kendra said...

jewels: i know. it's possibly the scariest thing on earth.

eebmore: hi! it's called astrophobia, the fear of celestial space. or just spacephobia, which sounds like i made it up. but i didn't. and probably space is actually much scarier than hummingbirds, so don't feel bad.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Have no fear, Pickles is here! And Julius. They'd eat that nasty spider before it had a chance to harm you!

Blogger Uccellina said...

I was more afraid of spiders before I lived in the middle of the Australian desert, where spiders can be really, really big and they jump. I think the constant terror desensitized me eventually. But I still make my husband deal with them, and if one gets too close I become twitchy for hours afterward.

Blogger Buffy said...

My lumps...

My lumps...

My lovely lady lumps....

Erm....Sorry.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

My mom had me do some research on brown recluses (she has no computer, nor any desire for one, yet she makes me look crap up for her).

This creeps me out, and I had serious nightmares about it after looking at pictures of the bites.

*shivers uncontrollably*

Looks like another night of terror...

Blogger miss kendra said...

uber: that makes me sick. i always try to keep my boys from eating icky creatures. but i suppose i would let them if my life was at stake. i'd just never look at them the same.

uccelina: thank you for that link. it really wasn't terrifying or anything, and i didn't nearly puke up my food.

buffy: worst song ever.

melissa: i know. i know.

Blogger Libby said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SWEET JESUS IN THE MORNING WOMAN!

I think I just blacked out, puked and hit my head on the desk. That sh*t is gross. Yet eerily intriguing.

Blogger eebmore said...

yeah, right after leaving the comment I looked up astrophobia. Good to know there is a name. But do you want to know what is more terrifying than celestial space, spiders and hummingbirds? What I’m even more terrified of?

Girls.

But in my defense, women really are a thousand times more dangerous than any of those other things.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I'll take care of your spiders - I don't kill 'em, I just take 'em outside (where they belong). I love fairies and gin. And all my pants are crazy.

I think I complete you. I'm the yin to your yang. Which sounds a lot more fun than it really is.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

Remember the spider in my car? That sucked. You should have told THAT story.

I just ordered Chinese before looking at your blog. I'm worried I may not eat it now.

I've been so worried about catching the flue from Eric, but after seeing those bites... I'd rather use his toothbrush than come within 100 feet of one of those spiders. Blech.... *inner shudder and gag*

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm a counter too!! And I prefer odd numbers to even. I'm not so far gone that I have to lick light switches like poor, young, David Sedaris, but I sometimes have to force myself out of the bathroom to stop counting tiles.

And I'm afraid of birds, but only because I know they're all dying to take a dump on my bangs.

Blogger miss kendra said...

libby: i think i'm still blacked out and puking and i haven't even looked at it today.

eebmore: girls aren't scary. oh wait, you mean other girls. yes then.

monkeygurrl: please do. really. please. i need a bodyguard.

kady's pet: you mean the time i jumped out of your moving vehicle and rolled on to the sidewalk to escape the spider that maliciously attacked me from behind your sun visor thingie? no i blocked it out.

pants: i knew i loved you. i bet you have some lovely crazypants.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I love you more than ever. You are such a freak. Which makes me feel better about being a freak, too. Let's hang out.

I've seen that nasty thumb pic before. Yeesh.

I too fear the spider, but not as severely as you.

I think it's our quirks that make us interesting. Some say OCD, we say quirks. Actually, I say OCD too, because it is funny and because it is true.

You will never be bitten by a BRS. But it's good to be cautious. They do exist.

It's more fun fearing that than ... oh... let's just say ... going blind or having face paralysis from MS?

I just mention that as an example. No reason.

As long as you aren't completely paralyzed by your compulsiveness. And if you are, there's always Lorazipam.

Love ya.

Oh yeah, I said that already.

Now I gotta go wash my hands 27 times to make the image of that necrotic skin disappear from my mind.

1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ...

Blogger Uccellina said...

Oh - and I count too. When I was little, I used to just count straight up, and I had to start over if I lost my place. Then, around the age of 9, I learned how to read music, and since then I count 1,2,3,4 . . . 2,2,3,4 . . . 3,2,3,4 .. . 4,2,3,4 or 1,2,3. . . 2,2,3 . . . 3,2,3 . . . 4,2,3. And I get songs that stick in my head for days at a time, and sometimes I am compelled to contract my leg and/ or butt muscles in time to the music or the counting. Husband calls me "Jigglybutt" for this reason. I say it's why my legs and butt are so cute - years of frequent, tiny exercises.

I own several pairs of crazypants, obviously.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

WHen I go up stairs I say, "Justin" and the last step is "case".

SO a short staircase goes:

Just in
just in
just in
just in
just in
just in
just in case.

How effed up is THAT?!?!?!

I think the laser eyes will help.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I COUNT IN 4/4 TIME TOO!!! I think it's b/c I danced for ever. Or I'm just as nutty as Miss K, Ucc, and, oh, PANTS combined!!!

But not as crazy as Jiggs. {{shudder}}

Anonymous the angry piper said...

Interestingly enough, I had a horrible nightmare about vampiric hummingbirds once. At least they seemed vampiric...they were pretty intent on stabing me with their beaks and sucking away.

I am not arachnophobic. Or at least I wasn't, until I clicked your links.

Thanks for that.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I used to count the letters in words in sentences. You are so much weirder than I am.

By the way, thanks for posting the links to those pictures. Can I have your phone number? I'm going to call you at 3:00 am when I wake up screaming and clawing at my hands.

Blogger jiggs said...

How did I get labeled as crazy? While I am a giant pervert, I'm completely sane.

The only compulsion I have is compulsive masturbation.

Blogger Moe said...

Interesting list. I had the following same issues growing up:

Food touching
Counting my steps - well in my case it was telephone poles, and I could only count to ten at the time. My parents found me doing an infinite loop one day as I kept returning to pole #1.
Birds - especially big groups, I just know they are plotting my demise.

I've gotten past most of them and can eat cassaroles now. Birds still freak me out.

ps. I'm so sorry to hear about the $ issues - money is something that will easily send me into a panic attack.

Blogger Thérèse said...

You have no idea how much it pains me to say this but it is impossible for me to continue now, having seen all of those pictures and read all of that informative stuff. (Months? MONTHS?!?)

I will never poke fun at MooCow for spider fear again.

Blogger miss kendra said...

spinning girl: it is more fun fearing spiders than ms. you are right, as usual, though oddly enough, i do fear ms, as well as parkinson’s disease. parkinson’s runs in my family. please send lorazipam.

uccelina: i bounce my muscles to beats too! and i count like that sometimes. we are all insane.

spinner: the laser eyes will definitely help.

monkey gurrl: i don’t think you are as crazy as all that. even if you are, you’re pretty ok anyways.

angry piper: hummingbirds could spear your eyeballs like an olive sword in a martini glass. and you’re welcome.

brooke: i’ll be up!

jiggs: i know you’re just a pervert. and a charmingly creepy weirdo. you’re probably a little crazy though. you keep coming back here, don’t you?

moe: i eat casseroles sometimes because i know they are supposed to touch. but other foods were never meant to mix! i believe in total food segregation. it’s for the good of us all.

therese: spiders are s.c.a.r.y. i’m sure moocow will be glad that you now understand.

i understand the silliness of a fear like this, because 90% of the spiders i will see in my life won’t be harmful, but still. *shudder*

Blogger Autumn said...

your boobs look bigger in that picture. did you get a new bra?

Blogger jiggs said...

Two things my sweet sassafras:

As you suggest, perhaps I have at least one compulsion: interacting with crazy people.

The issues I have generally stem from me being a loser, not crazy.

Also, I don't view most of the things people have said as crazy things at all. Things like muscle bouncing are cute. It's just using up excess energy.

And counting as you're walking is just making up a game to keep from getting bored.

Blogger me said...

we have those HERE.

OMG. i used to just be terrified of large, brown, flying, crawly cockroaches... now i will not be able to go outside of fear of THAT!!!

*shudder and weep*

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

oooh god. I saw that Brown Recluse pic on snopes a few months ago and had finally rid my mind of the image. I'm going to track down your phone number and call you at 3 in the morning when I'm awake and terrified.

And drunk. Always drunk.

Blogger fae said...

I am terrified of birds as well, but mostly because i have been bit by one at work.

as for spiders I scream and scream until my husband gently takes them outside. I wont let him kill them because they eat bigger bugs that scare me as well. but I wont actually go near them to let them back into nature. they are too ookie and they could totally jump.

Blogger Dancinfairy said...

I am so scared of anything that flutters.

I am the crazy lady in town that starts screaming when a pidgeon takes off.

At least I am not alone!

Blogger Quirkalot said...

It didn't actually attack you. I think it was just trying to hide behind the visor, but we stupidly looked for it back there. That was on Revere Beach... memories...

P.S.
I'll never own a convertible again because of the crazy spiders.

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