the problem with crazypants is that if you wear them too long, you start to feel like you can’t take them off. eventually you pee yourself from all the gin (what? where’d the gin come from? it comes with the pants, people. gallons of it.) and before you know it you’re camped outside the coffee bean pleading for change and watching people crinkle their noses at the smell. your smell.
proof of my theories.
lately i have become acutely aware that, like most people, i have “quirks.” by quirks i mean MANY MANY colorful pairs of crazypants. for example: i don’t like it when my foods touch, so i used to eat out of sectional tupperwares for safety. i also count my steps as i walk, in my head, in song. this does not interfere with conversation or activity because it is my (questionable) nature. i don’t even like numbers, but there i am, all, “one two three lalala, four five six lalala.” stairs = syncopation. fancy!
i also have phobias. phobias being irrational fears, which makes them something i really shouldn’t have because me? totally rational.
i fear hummingbirds. actually, i fear birds in general. from far away they’re alright, but i can’t get too close because they might fly into my face. in fact, i believe that my face is their final destination. this goes for bugs too. moths, lady bugs, butterflies. they freak me the fuck out. basically anything with wings.
i think i might be afraid of faeries and angels now too, but *phew*, the gnomes will protect me.
it’s not just wings. anything creepy crawlie sends me into a tizzy, and we all know tizzys are never a good thing. in elementary school some of the really clever (read: would have gotten shot at columbine) kids called me millerpede. to them i now say, “you went to yale and my mom spent my college fund on a criminal’s attorney! you have a job with actual money and i am selling my belongings on ebay for cash (seriously. i’ll post them tomorrow. buy my crap to support the cause!)! you have nice apartments and cars your parents bought you! so, um ha! and more ha! clearly i win with my superior intellect and shiny silver shoes. because you don’t have shiny silver shoes, do you? i thought not.”
i would have to say that my biggest phobia is (deep breath because by invoking their name they will probably appear) spiders.
i know this is a common phobia. both of my sisters have it. but. i am different. example: when my dad kills one in a tissue, he will chase them around with it. just a little. it’s funny. (no it’s not.) still, he knows better with me.
because i will die.
i cannot be in the same room as a spider. i cannot sleep knowing there is one in the apartment because it could find me in the night. i once realized there was one in the shower with me and right after i hit my head on the wall trying to escape it, i ran from the shower naked, never taking my eyes off it incase it jumped. because some of them, they jump. and who’s to say they can’t all do it and they just haven’t yet because they want us to believe they can’t?????? you can’t prove they can’t jump. you also can’t prove they don’t have mace or weapons of mass destruction.
i am so terrified of spiders that i cannot even look at one on tv. which is why this new quirk surprises me. i mean, i know a whole lot about spiders. know thy enemy, right? you don’t have to tell me the swallowing spiders while sleeping thing, because i know. and anything you can tell me about spiders, i can imagine worse.
and yet i have spent about three hours a day for the last several days here. (seriously, i’m not working. i’m looking at other people’s icky rotting skin. it’s like i’m preparing for Armageddon.
this is the most informative one i’ve found. (it gets gross. don't say i didn't warn you.)
this is one i keep going back to. (it makes me shake it’s so scary. and yet i bookmarked it. i have problems.) it’s been linked by snopes and its status is undetermined. that clearly means it’s true. true!
there is something wrong with me. i keep reading this and waiting, reading, waiting. because really. isn’t this just the sort of thing that would happen to me?
i think i need to buy one of these. maybe thirteen.
maybe thirty five.