March 24, 2006
my uterus is on fire

goddammit i swear the damn thing is about to fall out.

every month my womb is like a tiny guantanamo bay, and all the little eggs get to deliriously shaking the bars of their cells, because viva le resistance! they demand freedom!

i'm going to bed.

don't forget the ebay stuff i told you about here- auctions end sunday.


Blogger Libby said...

It's because you live in LA. You should move to...say...Seattle?

Our uteriii don't hurt here. :)

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Once again, we have just too much in common. The first coupola days, I swear freddy kruger is doing a number on my innards. Menopause just can't come soon enough.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Your egg is hot.

But, I've always sort of been into the bad boys.

Blogger marriedman said...

Holy fuck baby. That is so hot. Can I fuck one of your eggs. I have potent sperm and shit like that.

Oh god I'm in love.

Blogger Brookelina said...

When I buy my own house, I want you to do all the artwork for it. I'll pay...ooooh...I'll pay.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I'm so fucking pissed at my female anatomy.

Blogger Nick said...

It reminds me of a weeble wobble.

Blogger FRITZ said...

My egg just fell out the other day. Is it gross that I was all, "Honey! I'm not pregnant...I just miscarried! Wanna see?"

And he's all..."EWWW."

And I'm all, "Well. Yeah. It is pretty gross. Ouch."

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

I always say the house band (The Cramps) is in town playing an acoustic set or a full band show depending on their severity.

But your eggs are adorable. I can only imagine what your offspring will look like.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Lovin' the little digit on the ovum.

Blogger miss kendra said...

libby: why not? is there something in the water?

monkeygurrl: this is menstrual year fifteen of approximately thirty five. i hate my eggs.

sassy: my eggs are lady killers. if they ever get fertilized the bitches better run and hide.

married man: but you're a married man!

brooke: i will begin practicing more often.

ubermilf: me too. really fucking pissed.

nick: that's because my eggs are fucking awesome. and they don't fall down.

fritz: yes, that's gross.

laurie ann: the house band is very hardcore.

spinnerina: my ovum has an attitude problem. that's why he's getting the chute. next month's nominee might be better, but i have a feeling they'll all be jerks for another few years or so.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Back in college I used to masage my girlfriend's uterus when she was feeling this way. Um... Not from the INSIDE. From the... uh... OUTside. She swore it helped.

I'm not offering to do it for you. I mean, I'm not afraid of your uterus or anything, it would just be... um... intimate? In a non-internal way? er...


Sometimes I have this little voice in my head that whispers "say nothing." See what happens when I ignore it?

Blogger Kieran said...

So that's what it is!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Wombat's comment just made me blow coffee out my nose.

Blogger Nick said...

Mi útero se arde.

Meine Gebärmutter ist auf Feuer.

Il mio utero è su fuoco.

Meu uterus está no fogo.


나의 자궁은 불에 있다.

Mon utérus est sur le feu.

Blogger Nick said...

we had a big argument over the spanish version.

whether or not "Mi útero se arde." was acceptable since it translates to "My uterus burns." or If we could use "Mi útero está en fuego." which means pretty much the same thing except the literal translation makes it seem like a stupid sentence. Eventually we agreed that it could go either way.

Blogger marriedman said...

so was danny, and you told him you'd let him wear your tits as ear muffs.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I heard Danny was gay.

Blogger Tel said...

I don't like my uterus, either.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I also spit when I read Wombat's comment and for the record, I am not a spitter.

Blogger Nick said...

Neither is Jiggs.

Oh snap!

Blogger jiggs said...

nick! how could you tell everyone that I sucked your dick!?!? You said it was our secret!!! I'm never sucking your dick again!!!

The uterus. The uterus. The uterus is on fire!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

You are brilliant Miss Kendra!

Blogger Nick said...

You always say that Jiggs.

Incidentally, we don't need no water.

Blogger miss kendra said...

wombat: i'm on my way, and don't think i'm not. the uterus saw what you wrote and she's way interested.

kieran:i'm so educational.

spinner: i hope your nose is okay.

nick: it's like sesame street for uterii. awesome!

married man: danny is a lying poon.

brooke: i heard that too. on the internets, which means it's totally true.

tel: nobody does.

sassy: which record would that be? because i'm sure there are interested parties.

nick: that's because jiggs doesn't like cleanup. he's a practical kind of guy.

jiggs: your secret is safe here. no one will tell.

pants: thank you! my eggs are plotting a takeover as we speak.

nick: you're just gonna let the motherfucker burn? thanks nick. you're sweet.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Your eggs are smokin'

seriously, your eggs are really smoking. cool.

Blogger GrandPooOfAwesome said...

I don't understand why this post turns me on. I'm so confused.

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Lou failed you.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

My eggs are freebasing.

Word Verification- tjssfun. Tijuana is FUN (for my eggs)!

Blogger miss kendra said...

jewels: everything about me is smokin. when will you learn?

poof: because eggs are sexy. clearly you have an zygote fetish. nothing weird about that.

lou reed: and?

pants: i've never been. i know. i suck.

Blogger Autumn said...

aw! your uterus has a mohawk, that's so cute :)

Blogger CommonWombat said...

It's been a few days. Is your uterus STILL on fire?

Blogger miss kendra said...

autumn: you better believe it. all my cells are bad to the bone.

wombat: nah, now it's more just feeling like i have to poop.

you so love me.

also, did you see my comments on karla's blog?

Blogger Thérèse said...

Hee hee hee hee hee. I love your paint pictures, MK. Love them.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Damn you and your freedom fighting eggs. They rallied my eggs into revolt and now I'm bleeding. Or maybe it was the big rally downtown on Saturday. Either way, I'm not happy.
The house band is not in yet, but they're setting up the stage and getting ready for soundcheck.

Blogger marriedman said...

danny is gay. but he doesn't lie. I heard you sent him pictures of you putting rubbing alchohol on your nipples and shit like that.

Blogger Egan said...

Is it Easter already?

Blogger babyjewels said...

new post please. again I find myself under egan. Like so many 19 year old boys.

Anonymous jurgen nation said...

Kendra, you had me at "my uterus is on fire." How I heart you so.

Blogger Brookelina said...

BabyJ, that was the best comment ever. EVER.

Blogger Egan said...

Oh snap BabyJewels. That was very well thought out. Payback will be a bitch yo!

Blogger Tim said...


Blogger jiggs said...

i'm sleepy.

Blogger Nick said...


Blogger babyjewels said...

thanks guys, I'll be here all week.

Really, i'll be here all week. Post something new. I'll be a good girl.

Blogger Grend31 said...

I'm so bloody glad I'm a guy. If you'll forgive the expression.

Blogger miss kendra said...

therese: thank you. i’m thinking of becoming a professional mspainter.

laurie ann: i apologize?

married man: i’m pretty sure i didn’t. also, i’m going to kill you.

egan: soon! then my eggs will be performing in technicolor!

jewels: zing? i will post when i damn well feel like it. unless you want to guest post?

jurgen nation: hi! thank you. my uterus has brought me many a true love. did that even make sense? who cares.

brooke: and it was on my blog. best comments usually go on best blogs.

egan: you take this so well.

tim: me or baby jewels? because seriously, that bitch is stealing my thunder.

jiggs: come to bed.

nick: i would pay to see that.

jewels: i’m thinking. it hurts.

grend31: i forgive. don’t boys have problems too? like spontaneous wood? well, at least it’s just humiliating and doesn’t actually hurt.

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...


Blogger Übermilf said...

I want to dance fight!

I won a gift certificate for a buy one get one free dinner once for dancing to "Car Wash."

Working at the car wash... whoa whoa whoa whoa... talking bout the car wash, yeah

You might neve get rich
But it's better than diggin a ditch
You never know who you might meet
A movie star or maybe even a (...? pickled beet?)

Blogger Joe said...

What a cool blog!

Blogger puck said...

ha ha
my uterus is a kung fu master. forever (well a couple of days a month at least) trying to beat its way out of me and onto the floor where it can run away and wreak havoc on millions. it has delusions of grandeur
great pic too, i love the finger

Blogger me said...

is your uterus still on fire?

does this affect your ability to be... you know... you?

i am preparing a form of booty to send your way in the next day or so.

i am eager for the arrival

Blogger Uccellina said...

My uterus is wringing itself out right now.

Blogger jiggs said...

I went to bed. Slept for a 7 hours and I'm still tired! DAMN MY INCOMPETENCE!

Also, RUFF!

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