balderdash! claptrap, eyewash(?), flimflam, hogwash, hooey, horsefeathers, gobbledygook, piffle, poppycock, rubbish, and also, quite obviously tommyrot!
in the interest of honesty, and because i fully intend on meeting some of you people (i use the term loosely), i would like to reveal to you my faults. i am clearing the air, because if i am upfront about my promiscuous mom and double wide, you can’t use shit against me when we battle.
(public service announcement regarding honesty courtesy of the always helpful slim shady).
any and all of these flaws may be exaggerated, as i am insane and tend to blow things out of proportion.
i am probably about ten pounds over what i should/want to be. i wear a size 9, which is totally fine (poety!) and i have a really nice figure, but i could stand to be slightly less squishy, technical term. related: i am getting bingo arms, aka teacher arms, aka wings. this is not a huge deal, i know- i lost a large quantity of weight almost three years ago and so i understand the ridiculousness of being preoccupied with ten pounds, but i live in LA, where even at my smallest i might as well be a hulking ogre of a man. this is a point that haunts me while i’m sleeping.
something about the air/water/general shittiness that is LA proper has made it impossible for me to go even a single day without a pimple sprouting on my back. and i am very fair, so i scar. i look like i have some sort of pink spotting disease. it makes me sad because i am too self-conscious to show my back now, which is where my awesomely awesome tattoos are.
more about scarring- i scar from everything. ingrown hairs. burns. scratches. dirty looks. if i were ever to pose for a magazine, they would have to shoot me wearing a potato sack in a costco parking lot, because their budget would be blown on covering my scars with makeup and the magical powers of photoshop. but ooh! i'd look great awkwardly reclining on yellow speedbumps.
because i am so prone to ingrown hairs, i only shave my legs about once a week, twice if there’s a party. i am neurotic about hair growth though, so once i have some stubble, no one is permitted to touch me.
my butt is nothing special. i have mentioned this before, but it’s really something that bothers me. it’s not all round and whapow! like, say, vida guerra. (do not google image search her at work.) Boy is an ass man so i am very concerned about my shortcomings in this area. i find myself checking out other girls’ butts all the time. it makes me jealous. if you do not want me looking at your booty, you might have to pluck out my eyes.
my bottom teeth are crooked. i try to tell myself this is unique and endearing, and something that makes me me, but really it’s just messed up teeth. i smash them into my lip rather frequently, which leaves me wounded and snaggletoothed, like an animal in a trap. peta! fix my teeth!
i have some sort of thing with my left foot where the skin between my pinkie toe and the next one over is always peeling off. it's not athlete's foot and nothing seems to help. it doesn't smell (i checked) or itch. it's just weird, and it's been there for going on eleven years. eleven!!
i sweat. i wear antiperspirant and deodorant and yet i sweat. not puddles, not stinky, just damp enough for me to be bothered by it. i rotate deodorants to try to alleviate these problems. sometimes i use Boy's. do not tell him. i am supposed to be perfect!
i pick my fingers. i don’t realize it half the time, but i could never be a hand model. i’m usually missing a fingernail tip or cuticle somewhere.
sometimes i don’t smell like cookies. i smell like cake.