March 06, 2006
leaving me now would be considered petty

yesterday i was having a little chat with a fellow blogger and she mentioned that i could not possibly understand the complete and utter suckage of needing to lose some pounds because (she said) i am so. skinny.

balderdash! claptrap, eyewash(?), flimflam, hogwash, hooey, horsefeathers, gobbledygook, piffle, poppycock, rubbish, and also, quite obviously tommyrot!

in the interest of honesty, and because i fully intend on meeting some of you people (i use the term loosely), i would like to reveal to you my faults. i am clearing the air, because if i am upfront about my promiscuous mom and double wide, you can’t use shit against me when we battle.

(public service announcement regarding honesty courtesy of the always helpful slim shady).


any and all of these flaws may be exaggerated, as i am insane and tend to blow things out of proportion.

1.
i am probably about ten pounds over what i should/want to be. i wear a size 9, which is totally fine (poety!) and i have a really nice figure, but i could stand to be slightly less squishy, technical term. related: i am getting bingo arms, aka teacher arms, aka wings. this is not a huge deal, i know- i lost a large quantity of weight almost three years ago and so i understand the ridiculousness of being preoccupied with ten pounds, but i live in LA, where even at my smallest i might as well be a hulking ogre of a man. this is a point that haunts me while i’m sleeping.


2.
something about the air/water/general shittiness that is LA proper has made it impossible for me to go even a single day without a pimple sprouting on my back. and i am very fair, so i scar. i look like i have some sort of pink spotting disease. it makes me sad because i am too self-conscious to show my back now, which is where my awesomely awesome tattoos are.


3.
more about scarring- i scar from everything. ingrown hairs. burns. scratches. dirty looks. if i were ever to pose for a magazine, they would have to shoot me wearing a potato sack in a costco parking lot, because their budget would be blown on covering my scars with makeup and the magical powers of photoshop. but ooh! i'd look great awkwardly reclining on yellow speedbumps.


3.
because i am so prone to ingrown hairs, i only shave my legs about once a week, twice if there’s a party. i am neurotic about hair growth though, so once i have some stubble, no one is permitted to touch me.


4.
my butt is nothing special. i have mentioned this before, but it’s really something that bothers me. it’s not all round and whapow! like, say, vida guerra. (do not google image search her at work.) Boy is an ass man so i am very concerned about my shortcomings in this area. i find myself checking out other girls’ butts all the time. it makes me jealous. if you do not want me looking at your booty, you might have to pluck out my eyes.


5.
my bottom teeth are crooked. i try to tell myself this is unique and endearing, and something that makes me me, but really it’s just messed up teeth. i smash them into my lip rather frequently, which leaves me wounded and snaggletoothed, like an animal in a trap. peta! fix my teeth!


6.
i have some sort of thing with my left foot where the skin between my pinkie toe and the next one over is always peeling off. it's not athlete's foot and nothing seems to help. it doesn't smell (i checked) or itch. it's just weird, and it's been there for going on eleven years. eleven!!


7.
i sweat. i wear antiperspirant and deodorant and yet i sweat. not puddles, not stinky, just damp enough for me to be bothered by it. i rotate deodorants to try to alleviate these problems. sometimes i use Boy's. do not tell him. i am supposed to be perfect!


8.
i pick my fingers. i don’t realize it half the time, but i could never be a hand model. i’m usually missing a fingernail tip or cuticle somewhere.


9.
sometimes i don’t smell like cookies. i smell like cake.



41 Comments:

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Having seen you, I can tell The Internet that you actually have very nice hands.

Blogger me said...

you're imperfections make you perfect...

*barf*

you could make yourself feel better by eating the skinny girls. i'm sure they wouldn't cost many calories.

and p.s. all your images are hosted by tripod. *sniffle* i could not see them.

Blogger Libby said...

Dude-ness - I wear a size 16. I hate myself and must take a magic marker to all of my tags now.

I too am accursed with the crooked bottom teeth, despite going 3 rounds with braces (yes. My parents blew their 401k on putting me in braces 3 times)

I also have snaggly nails. I tried going the acrylic pretty nails route, but I hate spending money on getting my nails done, and the place I got them done was shut down due to some fungus thing. Ew.

Try the deodorant from Lush. Even if you sweat (which I highly doubt, this sh*t is BIONIC) you smell like flowers.

I, however, smell like a dirty ashtray and hooker perfume. I am alluring, yet gross.

(I'm trying to be empathetic...is it working?)

Blogger miss kendra said...

vj: thank you. it's stress induced, usually, so obviously you cuffing me to the radiator wasn't as bad as all my screaming let on.

me: i changed the links. maybe it's better?

libby: i had bottom braces for SEVEN YEARS. then i had a permanent retainer (cemented to my teeth) that my teeth forced off. the deodorant thing isn't smell related, as i smell of baked goods. it's moisture. i hate being damp.

and i'm sure you are lovely.

Blogger miss kendra said...

oh i forgot one! i have to go add it.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I am more than 10 pounds overweight. I am prone to ingrown hairs. I sweat as well - and I live in the sweat state! And my butt is dimpled. And by dimpled I mean covered in cellulite.

I'm never going to get a date again after this.

I don't care about any of your faults. I only care that you were chatting with another woman and not me.

Blogger miss kendra said...

brooke: i'm sorry dear. i have to keep my chatting to a minimum these days as it seems to cause Boy to fly into a rage. he seems to think i have an internets problem. pshaw!

i'm only online like eleven hours a day.

Blogger miss kendra said...

ok, eleventeen.

Blogger Brookelina said...

eleventy seven.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

To make you feel better about yourself, I will now list my (very few) flaws:

1) I had chicken pox when I was in high school, and as a result I have a few deep pox scars right on my forehead. They used to be hidden in the base of my hairline but then the hairline receeded, leaving the scars out in the open for the world to see.

2) Everything below the chicken pox scars pretty much sucks also.

Feel free to laugh at me if it makes you feel better.

Blogger miss kendra said...

brooke: are you trying to get me in trouble?

wombat: you know what's weird? i have like pointfive chicken pox scars.

everything about you makes me weep with joy.

Blogger Libby said...

Lush deodorant. I'm telling you - shit lasts through derby practice and I hardly sweat in my armpits at all.

It's the rest of me that soaks.

ANYWAY. I heart you.

Blogger Calzone said...

Scars are hot

Blogger miss kendra said...

libby: i will look for it. i am so glad you do not find my faults repulsive. and i heart you!

calzone: that's all you have to say to me?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

If it were possible to give you some of my ass I totally would. And I'm far beyond needing to lose just ten pounds, if that makes you feel any better. Almost six years ago I lost a bunch of weight and have slowly been putting it back on.

With my current back problems I look like a thirty-year-old hunchback. If my spinal injections don't help I'm going to purchase a Lark scooter. I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who want to get with a thirty-year-old motorized scooter lunatic. There has to be, for heavens sake, there is a market for pregnant porn.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Y'all are retarded. That's your problem. Just wait until you *are* old and falling apart. Then you'll have my sympathy. Because then you'll be wishing you enjoyed these years instead of letting all the superficial self-deprecating crap bring you down.

Blogger Nick said...

I have a vestigial tail and webbed toes. I am cross-eyed and the only hair I can grow is on my back.

Incidentally, you should stay away from anti-persperants that contain aluminum, as aluminum has been linked to an increased likelihood of Alzheimers.

Blogger jiggs said...

I have an extra 1.5 balls. Though I shouldn't complain because I am lucky enough to have all my limbs.

I think we should all just agree that you are a hot piece.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

My current faults:
1. I live in Florida and am so pale that my own parents call me "whitey"
2. I HAVE teacher arms. I AM a teacher. Ever since I lost 20 lbs., my skin has begun to sag.
3. My skin also sags between my legs. It's not enough for anyone else to notice, but it's weird-looking up close.
4. I look pregnant sometimes. One of my students actually inquired as to whether or not I was expecting.
5. My hair sucks. It's just a helmet now.
6. My upper lip disappears when I smile. I'm all teeth, baby! (Unless you count my fat cheeks)
7. I had nice hands, but then I became OCD and washing them too much has made them dry and flaky.
8. There's that scar on my neck that smiles at people.
-I'm sure there are way more, but I'm trying not to get too depressed this morning.

Blogger Krystle said...

Everyone has some beef about the extra beef around the middle. I just recently lost about 20 lbs and I'm still rarin' to get the next 30 off. Butt dimples, arm wings, thunder thighs...you name it I got it. But that's okay...I know I can get rid of that shit if I want to. Just need to be less of a couch potato...but that is SOO HARD when so many shows are SOOOO GOOD...Lost is addictive...Plus doctor Jack is hawt.

Blogger Thérèse said...

I still think your feet are beautiful. And I'm an expert on the subject.

And also, everyone loves cake and cookies. It overrides and obliterates every other thing.

Blogger me said...

so you were snuggly before?

no wonder you smell like cookies.

i like that.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

For some random reason I have been getting pimples on my LEGS which leaves these ugly little scars that don't fade at all. I feel your pain.

Blogger Bonanza JellyBean said...

Good Lord! I was just trying to give you a compliment! Is that why you logged off so quickly? I thought it was because I was talking about lesbian sex.

Kendra, you are hawt from what I've seen. But, most importantly, you have the best personality ever...and if you were 600 pounds with chicken pox scars all over your body I'd still boink you.

Blogger miss kendra said...

pants: i would accept your ass with great humility. and i have also considered a scooter, though i suspect the hoveround might suit me better, due to it’s circular shape and lack of sharp pointy edges i might mutilate myself with accidentally.
if there are no men interested, i will certainly be your lady lover.

monkeygurrl: i’m trying to enjoy them but i have been changed by society! i feel like i’m stuck in a clockwork orange, my eyes pinched open as they run clip after clip of the tiny person they want me to be.

nick: i hope you do! i will go home and read all the labels of my multitudes of deodorants (5).

jiggs: is it a tumor? would you like me to check? and thank you.

kady’s pet: the scar isn’t that bad. it hasn’t been for a long time. none of that is too bad. except the teacher arms. i’m sorry, but no body wants teacher arms.

krystle: i would rather do ANYTHING than exercise. it’s just not interesting to me. you can’t do anything at the same time, like talk, or knit, or drink martinis.

therese: thank you. my feet are pretty ok. the baked goods thing does sort of rule.

me: snuggly is a good word.

melissa: since moving here, everything gets pimples. it makes me sad.

bonanza: the lesbian sex was cool. i logged off because Boy was giving me the eye. and i liked it.

i have the best personality ever? i have fooled you all! mwa hahahaha!

Blogger Autumn said...

i have the flattest butt ever so there's no competition here sweetie.

Blogger Moe said...

1. my baby fingers are crooked.
2. I chew my fingernails and pick my cuticles (my hands resemble those of a monkey).
3. cellulite! It seems to be everywhere now. Regardless of weight - I was briefly 10lbs thinner a few years ago, and it was STILL there. You could see the ribs in my back, but I still had lumpy thighs.
4. I'm slightly bow-legged (insert joke here)
5. I wish I had thicker hair. Not a huge deal, but since I'm making a list...more self-motivation and get-up-and-go would be nice too. I wish I smelled like cookies.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I feel your pain. Alas I am cursed with an enourmous wang with which to please the ladies. At least you don't have that problem. Or maybe you do, but you didn't mention it.

Blogger babyjewels said...

I've seen a couple pictures of you - you are really beautiful. So please, shut up.


I mean that in a nice way.

Blogger Lulu said...

My bottom teeth are crooked, too. I hate them. I am nuerotic about flossing because I am afraid I have food in them. And I pick my fingers till they bleed. I also pick pimples.

Blogger Nick said...

I agree with Jiggs, for once.

Blogger miss kendra said...

autumn: i’m sorry to hear that. i like a good competition.

moe: i am slightly knock-kneed. actually, i might just stand funny.

acw: poor you. i’ll have to ask acwf to detail her suffering at your “hands.”

jewels: thank you. we all have insecurities. but thank you.

lulu: i pick everything. seriously. i used to put tape down on my floors and spend days picking it off to try to stop picking at myself.

nick: leave kansas. come to playa del rey.

Blogger Tel said...

Wow! We have so much in common!

Because I work out so much, I always have weird skin and nail issues on my tootsies. I really should get a pedi once a week, but it's just too much money!

My top teeth are straight and beautiful and white, but my bottom ones are awful. I'd get them fixed but nobody can see them anyway.

I'm pretty sure I'll still like you when we meet. :)

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Let's see:
Jiggly middle? Check
Teacher Arms? Check (we call them "hi bettys" because they wave at people)
Crooked bottom teeth? Check
Peely toe gaps? Check (mine's on the right)
Bacne? well, no. But awesome back tattoos? Check.
Scarring? OH Check, check and double check.
Finger Picking? Since I was 9 months old and I have photographic evidence. I have fake nails now, but it doesn't stop me from picking the cuticles.
Butt envy? Check +
Damp pits? Mostly while driving, but sometimes just sitting too.
Smell like baked goods? No, Dammit. I smell like gin & tonic.

All in all, I'd say you sound pretty good to me.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I have to vigilantly wax my facial hair and I have cellulite and stretch marks from bearing children. And, my arms are big, in my opinion. However, having just spent the weekend with mommies in my age bracket, I don't feel bad about my body. It seems rather standard, if not above-average.

I would feel like Hagrid if I lived in L.A.

Blogger karla said...

Frankly, all of those supposed flaws sound like hotness with a side of hotness to me. You should see me sometime; I have a goat's head growing out of my rectum. So don't give me your sob story, sista.

Blogger miss kendra said...

tel: what if i grow a third head? will you still like me then?

laurie ann: mmmm gin and tonic.

ubie: hagrid is exactly right. EXACTLY.

karla: i bet you do.

Blogger jiggs said...

my head just exploded.

both because of your offer k and also because nick agreed with me.

I

Blogger Nick said...

Ding Dong the Jiggs is dead.

Anonymous Summer said...

1. I am jealous of other girls' butts too. Mine just don't seem to "fill" very well. Hum.

2. My bottom teeth in front are crooked as well. I try to ply them straight with the mighty force of my fingers but it's no use. And I don't want to get braces because they're the work of the devil. Quite the dilemma.

3. I have two ankle bones. On both feet. Now, it doesn't look as freakish as it sounds, but it's very inconvenient for skating purposes because the skin gets rubbed off in 10 minutes flat, and then I just start bleeding into my skates. Not pleasant. Probably why I never learned how to skate properly.

4. I sweat as well. And it smells like sweat too.

5. I hate shaving, so I only shave in the summer. I use an electric shaver because I'm too lazy for wax or shaving cream and a manual shaver. Since stubble comes back pretty quickly from electric shavers, this resulted in my developing a neurotic tendency to shave every spare moment (read: twice a day).

There's more but maybe I'll leave that for a blog entry.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I think i love you more than ever.

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