March 13, 2006
do not mess with me, sally.

i am not someone you want to see angry.

just ask slobodan milosevic. oh wait, you can't. because he's dead. do you see where this is heading, sally?

keep your creamy underage feet and cum shots to your self. word ver is back on because i am not in the mood. i am holding on by a thread, sally. a tiny little thread.

this can be demonstrated using the following highly accurate depiction of what happened when i went this saturday to get my taxes done.



that's right. so on top of the $10000 i've accumulated in medical bills (so far), and the even less money due to missed work and the groceries on the credit card and the moving expenses, now i owe the government four hundred dollars, part of which is for "social security," a program that probably won't even be around when i'm old enough to need it. the government is really helping.

also not pictured is the asshole who beeped at me in the parking lot because i didn't back out of my parking spot quickly enough for him.

the look on his face when he saw my red, tear-sticky, slobbery, boogery one was priceless.

well, maybe worth four hundred dollars. somehow i don't think anyone will pay.



40 Comments:

Blogger jiggs said...

Your post fills me with rage! Not just at sally but the government too. How could they do this to miss kendra?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Boo! I'm so skeered of finding out I owe money, I'm just pretending April (the month, not the XXX rated emailist) is not just around the corner.

Next time someone gives you a hard time about leaving a parking space too slowly, just pull back in, get out cher car, and walk off. It would *so* be worth it. dickwad.

Blogger Libby said...

I'm with the MonkeyGURRRL.

I'm not very original today, sadly.

Blogger Thérèse said...

You know, they say you can't avoid death and taxes. I feel that this is somehow related, MK.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Last year I had to pay four-hundred dollars to the IRS because my second job didn't withhold enough money for state taxes. I was livid....I wanted to call and give the payroll lady a piece of my mind but I couldn't bring myself to yell at the sweet lady at the non-profit.

I haven't started my taxes yet. I usually wait until the night before the deadline.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Our taxes were done in January. Mr. Sassy and I are Uncle Sam's favorite kind of suckers...we don't own a house...or anything else that we can write off.
So...basically, we go in, pull our pants down, bend over, and after about 20 humiliating minutes...our taxes are done.

As far as the parking thing, I HAVE pulled back in and gotten out of the car... in my case it was because the dumbass trying to get in pulled up so close that I couldn't actually get my car out of the spot without backing into him.
It seems to me that the whole process of exchanging a parking spot is not rocket science, but apparently I am wrong.

Blogger MooCow said...

Stupid taxes. I enjoy walking out to my car, seeing someone waiting for it, throwing something in the backseat and then walking away.

Because I can.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Taxes are for suckers. I suggest evading them.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

taxes!
GAH!
I never filed mine and ran away... eep!

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

That's awful and since I am qualified to offer no real practical advice on the subject, I suggest drinking tea from a china cup with saucer. It made the world seem more civilized somehow.

*growls in the general direction of the IRS*

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: we should start a letter writing campaign.

monkeygurrl: i would have had a 26 dollar refund if it weren’t for that summer thing i did. which i will not be doing again.

libby: it’s cool yo. i understand the desire to crawl underneath beds you see.

therese: i hate them. tell them i hate them.

pants: hi pants! hi! hi! i know exactly how you feel. i didn’t feel like they paid me enough to begin with, and now i find i made way less than i thought because i owe money? bullshit. they owe me money! yeah boy!

sassy: i can’t write off ANYTHING. next year i can write off the car accident stuff, but that doesn’t help me while i’m in the thick of it. i hate that i keep having to use my credit cards. i’m never going to get out of debt at this rate.

mooooo: it would be funny if you just stood there watching them, possibly chewing cud.

acw: taxes are for suckers. so’s jail though. at least that’s what big mama tells me.

knitty: is there some sort of policy on that? can you get an extension? you might have to stay in australia. it is the home of criminals you know. tax evasion is white collar crime, but still.

vj: unless you send me a china cup, the kind with the paper handles and a napkin will have to do.

Blogger Uccellina said...

I am afraid of les taxes too. And I have cried in front of strangers over money many times, so I feel your pain there. The only good news is that the IRS does payment plans. I will help you set one up if you need - it's easy and can be done through their website.

Blogger Nick said...

I forgot to claim the money I made from selling my stocks. I'm sure that will come back and bite me in the ass, someday. Fucking IRS.

Blogger miss kendra said...

uccelina: i sent the check this morning. i don't want it looming over my head. i will just try to keep costs down and suck it up till i figure all this out. thanks though!

nick: you have stocks? you're rich, aren't you.

you just don't want to tell me.

Blogger ladylinoleum said...

I'm sending the gov'ment $1700, so I got you beat...I'm sorry girlie! It wouldn't be half as back if the US Treasury wasn't a big sucking hole that sends yer moola directly to the freakin' war machine. Sucks.

Blogger Brookelina said...

If it makes you feel any better, that $400 will no doubt go towards a billionaire's tax refund.

Don't shoot the messenger.

I'll help you kick that Sally bitch's twat!

Blogger jiggs said...

I will send a letter to the government:

The way you treat miss kendra fills me with rage!

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

dear miss kendra,

one time? i worked as "contract labor" for this dude as a graphic designer? and i saved a shitload of money for taxes? and they fucking killed me with the taxes? and i just paid them off from 2001, like, last year.

i feeel for you.

love,
rwkn

Anonymous jurgen nation said...

Miss Kendra! I'm sorry. I owe the government too, if that helps any.

No, I don't think so, either. :( Put a PayPal Donate button in your sidebar. I'm changing the wording around to reflect my owingness. Moo.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

America!!!!!

Love it or leave it you commie!

Blogger Calzone said...

Man that guy was pissed!!!!

Blogger Nick said...

Had stocks. I sold them.

Blogger Nick said...

Also, if I was rich I would buy a hospital and name it after you, so everytime you break something or ram your head into a sink you can go there and won't be charged. I realize that this might bankrupt the hospital, but that's a chance we'll have to take.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

It's time fer an ass-whuppin'. Call me --- I deliver.

Blogger miss kendra said...

lady linoleum: i can’t even imagine 1700. i should have bought a kia and kept the money.

brooke: they will pay for this. ooh yes they will pay.

jiggs: you are so poetic. the man doesn’t know what he’s up against in jiggs casey. (i said up against and in jiggs casey. hehe!)

robiewan: taxes are the devils work. lets move to new Hampshire.

jurgen nation: i couldn’t ask them for money. but if you get extra, let me know.

anonymous: you have a small penis.

calzone: he really was. and i’m sure it was about his penis.

nick: that’s the sweetest thing i’ve ever heard. seriously.

spinnerina: i’ll take three.

Blogger d2ana said...

Sigh...if you lived in a socialized country, your taxes would go to health care. then you wouldn't have all those ridiculous health bills. my god. i wish you had better insurance. blah.

my best friend is shipping out to kuwait. thank you for supporting him.

Blogger punxxi said...

oh gawd i hate the irs i got stuck paying off 8500 bucks because my asshole now ex-husband said he paid them but bought drugs and girlfriends instead. I made arrangements with both the feds and the state and it took me about 3 years to pay them off but I felt pretty good when i was done, it was kinda like getting a $ 400/ a month raise . And I hate those impatient bastards that block the whole road because they want your parking spot...i have often waved them past, saying i'm not leaving. They suck as bad as people that try to shove into an elevator when your trying to get out.pricks

Blogger jiggs said...

hehe!

Blogger babyjewels said...

Last year I got back $1,400 and my account charged me $1,200. I had started a little llc and wasn't sure how to do my own. Oh and I made like $1,000 in the llc. I'm a doink.

Blogger me said...

life's a bitch and then you die. that's about the size of it!

maybe you should contact oprah. you know she's going to be the first black female president. condi can fuck off that post.
but anyway.
you could probably get a WHOLE show ALL to yourself about your life. people would love it and send money. and oprah would give you money and some shoes.
cuz she's like that.

Blogger Übermilf said...

It always seems like the IRS can sense when you're in a bad spot, and add to it.

The only year we had to pay taxes was the year I lost my job, Dilf was underemployed, we had just bought a house we were having difficulties paying the mortgage on, oh, and I found out I was pregnant. I, too, cried.

I say I start adoption proceedings. Maybe we can get you a new social security number so the IRS can't find you, AND I put you on our health insurance. Then I'll make you some chicken soup and you can watch TV. Pickles would have a fenced-in back yard to run around in, too!

Anonymous fool said...

Ouch! Do you know what I find to help with the pain of knowing you owe the government? Alcohol.

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

I had to pay $850 a couple years ago b/c Philadelphia has this ridiculous city wage tax (4.6 freaking percent) and my stupid office manager never remebered to deduct it from my paycheck. It sucks.

I'm glad you laid into Sally, although I don't know who she is, I too am uncomfortable with her creamy underage feet and cum shots.

Blogger miss kendra said...

d2ana: tell him i said hi!

punxxi: good for you! i choose to believe that people like that will eventually get what’s coming to them… even though they probably won’t. they’ll probably get raises and porsches and summer homes.

jiggs: alright!

babyjewels: don’t you hate those sort of lessons learned? like i watched him do my taxes and it wasn’t hard. i could have done it and saved $150. lesson learned. let’s get crunk, it will make us feel better.

me: oprah doesn’t care about me. if i went on oprah it would probably be for me to thank the people who have helped me. but if she wants to pay my bills and buy me shoes, i’m down.

uber: it’s like the irs has evil esp. evil! (your adoption plan sounds sublime. we can make cupcakes!)

fool: i know. i had the first drink i’ve had in 3 months on saturday. it wasn’t even good. i’m a happy drinker.

popo: i bet sally is a stupid office manager. why do we all owe taxes? what’s the point of regular deductions if they’re just going to buttrape us in the end anyway?

Blogger Autumn said...

i betcha you can get all your fans here to fork over some dough for you (our taxes were a big disappointment too)!

i loved the photo, very funny.

Blogger Egan said...

Sending good "karma" your way shortly. Your pictures always make me laugh Kendra. The narrative is always so damn creative.

Blogger Uccellina said...

Anonymous is stupid. Communists are totally in favor of taxes.

My socialist leanings war with my poverty. I believe in taxes, but hate to pay them.

Blogger xt said...

By the way, there is a special spot in hell for people who honk at you while you're trying to get yourself together and get out of the parking spot. A woman's parking place is hers, and hers alone until SHE decides to vacate it.

I, too, have simply pulled back into the parking space, turned off the car, and listened to the radio, reapplied lipstick, made phone calls, etc., when someone has the nerve to honk at me. And then I giggle when they burst an anuerism.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

I have owed every year since 1996 because I had two jobs and the part time job never took out enough taxes. I tried to argue with the "I know more than you do" bitch who ran payroll, who spent her days playing online poker, that she was wrong because a) I used to do payroll at another company, and b)I know everything.
Fortunately, I quit that job to go back to school (apparently there were things I didn't know after all) and voila! Refund!
Unfortunately, I owed the government so much by then that any refunds I may have been entitled to went toward my debt. Taxes suck the fun out of earning a paycheck...if there was any fun to begin with.

Blogger Tim said...

That whore sally visted me the other day. Can't a guy blog about picking up teens, doing coke, and masturbating without being spammed!

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