February 08, 2006
wombat is the grand pooh of my soul

the following instant messenger conversation has been edited only for typos and time.

CommonWombat: Think of a number between 1 and 73
CommonWombat: now tell me what your number is.

miss kendra: 37

CommonWombat: I KNEW IT

miss kendra: i knew you would! we have a connection.

CommonWombat: Yes. The strong bond of insanity.

miss kendra: strong indeed, the bond is

CommonWombat: yoda, you sound like.

miss kendra: i know!

CommonWombat: and smell like.

miss kendra: hey!

CommonWombat: so they say.

miss kendra: yoda smelled like cookies?

CommonWombat: No, Yoda smelled like pancakes and roses. But that's gotta be cookie-esque.

miss kendra: probably. are roses edible?

CommonWombat: You know what? They are. I've eaten rose petals. They taste like nothing.

miss kendra: what a disappointment. i was thinking maybe i would buy a couple and make yoda pancakes this weekend.

CommonWombat: That was curmudgeonly of me. They didn't taste like nothing. They tasted like God. That's better.

miss kendra: like god? HA!

CommonWombat: Either roses taste like God or God tastes like roses. Maybe God's been dipping into the Crabtree and Evelyn

miss kendra: i'm pretty sure i don't want to taste god.

CommonWombat: Sure you do! God tases like roses and Jesus tastes like a mars bar!
CommonWombat: see why I didn't become a minister?

miss kendra: i do see. it's that and the whole taxidermy of children thing.

CommonWombat: It was fucking the boneless baboons that cinched it.

miss kendra: i don't think jesus would judge you on that one

CommonWombat: who do you think was holding up the baboon's tail?

miss kendra: with his left hand, cuz the right one's busy if you know what i'm sayin'

CommonWombat: Jesus likes baboons. And he tastes like mars bar. I think we're starting our own religion.

miss kendra: if that's not righteous, i don't know what is

CommonWombat: What should we call it?

miss kendra: the church of chocolate monkey love
miss kendra: or wait, are baboons technically apes? because i don't want to offend anyone

CommonWombat: dude. I like that. I'm in. Baboons be damned. I like the Church of Chocolate Monkey Love. I want to be Grand Poo-bah

miss kendra: done. and i will be grand poo-bess

CommonWombat: AWE
CommonWombat: SOME

CommonWombat: My first act as Grand Poo-Bah of the CoCML is to nominate your busted arm for sainthood.

miss kendra: i second that, so it's pretty much done

CommonWombat: the power we hold is awesome.
CommonWombat: It's going to my head.
CommonWombat: I just walked on water.
CommonWombat: No wait. I rolled in my rolly chair. oops.

miss kendra: what's the saint's name? so i can make candles and shit

CommonWombat: Um... which arm is it?

miss kendra: left

CommonWombat: St Lefty Mctingles.
CommonWombat: You can now grant wishes with that arm.

miss kendra: sweet!

CommonWombat: That's how it works in the CocML.

miss kendra: our church rocks.

CommonWombat: We have the best church this side of... Um... The branch Davidians.

miss kendra: but without all the death, and more grand poos.

CommonWombat: Yes, let's outlaw suicide pacts and anything involving kool-aid.

miss kendra: except dying our hair.
miss kendra: because we so encourage tasty acts of rebellion

the CoCML... coming soon to a cult center near you.


Blogger Libby said...

OK, so let me ask a couple of questions before I join:

Do I have to wear a string around my wrist to tie my soul to your left arm?

Do you have any perks to joining your religion?

Do I have to confess to you or Wombat?

Do I have to dress up for church? Or actually, do I have to go to church at all?

If anyone is looking for me, I'm hiding under my desk waiting for Miss Kendra or Wombat to smite me.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Oooh ooh! I'll be some sort of bishop or something. I'll dress like a chess piece, and I'll touch little boys in their naughty places! Or not. Whatever the religion dictates.

Blogger miss kendra said...

libby: no, yes but i can't tell you till you're in, depends on what kind of punishment you're looking for, in vaudevillian costume/only if you want to.

Blogger Danny said...

Am I allowed to join and shit? I could be a sex slave for the grand poo bess.

that means you kendra. yeah sweetness you know you like it.

Blogger miss kendra said...

acw: i like the costume idea. i'm thinking we're gonna be against molestation, but i should check with wombat first.

danny: you are so allowed to join. i'll be taking applications for the position (hehe) of sex slave, but i hear this guy called Boy has the inside track.

Blogger Danny said...

Then can I be your back up sex slave or some shit like that? And we need jiggs to make us a fucking button or something.

I'm so in.

Do I get baptized now, or just anal raped?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

You know I'm too old when my first thought is: "Should she be I/Ming so much?! Doesn't that aggravate her injury?!"

On the other hand, chocolate monkeys. Can't beat that!

Blogger babyjewels said...

I want in on this cult. I'm a total followerer.

Blogger miss kendra said...

danny: wombat is a designer. he is all over the button/banner shit.

monkeygurrl: i'm at work, aren't i? no one is gonna pay me to stay home and do nothin!

jewels: i know you are. that's why i love you. now go make some kool aid.

Blogger karla said...

I'm surprised Wombat took the time to chat with you. It probably cut into his busy schedule of luring 12-year old girls into nonconsensual sexcapades via the internet. It's nice to hear he uses the internet for more than just that.

Blogger miss kendra said...

karla: wait, you guys know i'm only 14 right?

Blogger CommonWombat said...

The official CoCML (pronounced "cockmule" word on molestation is that the kids are allowed to molest the priests, but never the other way around.

I can't believe you all aren't lining up to have wishes granted my St. Lefty McTingle...

Stay tuned for word on an official CoCML web-presence!

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Oops. I forgot to close that parenthetical statement there.

So... um... )

Blogger Monkey said...

Like BabyJewels, I too am a follower. I want to be a member of this Church of Chocolate Monkey Love.

Can I be the mascot?

Blogger Broadsheet said...

And I suppose if I were to create some blasphemous cartoon about the CocL, it would result in Armegeddon, or perhaps just everyone wearing their pants inside out in protest?

Blogger miss kendra said...

wombat: i'm gonna veto that one. i think molestation should be confined to consentual adults, or reasnable facsimiles of.

but yeah, wishes!

monkey: mascot sounds demeaning. you are so our spokesmonkey.

broadsheet: armageddon! i like bruce willis. him and steve buscemi.

Blogger Danny said...

you never answered about the baptism/raping thing?

oh, and I almost forgot:

Oh holy grand poo bess, I masturbated in the shower to dora the explorer today. please forgive me, and guide me to thy light.

Blogger miss kendra said...

danny: we haven't worked out all the details yet, but we could probably arrange the anal rape thing since you seem so in to it.

don't worry about the dora thing, like i said. we try not to judge here.

Blogger Tel said...

I'd like to join as long as I don't have to pay or believe in anything whatsoever.

I'd also like to be able to have pre-marital sex.

Blogger Danny said...

ok, cause I wasn't sure if i need to confess or some shit like that.

Blogger miss kendra said...

tel: we are so okay with premarital sex. also post marital. please continue.

danny: the grand poohbess notices you use the word shit alot. is this a security blanket that could be replaced with religion?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I have extensive cult knowledge. I could be an asset to your church. (I also have extensive knowledge of grand poos.)

Blogger Danny said...

yeah, i do that alot. it's fucked up, and shit like that.

yeah, teach me your ways and shit

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

I love the fact that you are the grand poo-bess.

That's freakin' hilarious!

Blogger CommonWombat said...

The Grand Pooh-Bess has spoken. She hath spaketh thusly: "molestation should be confined to consentual adults, or reasnable facsimiles of."

I vote (and by "vote," I mean "Decree," because, hey, I'm the Grand Poo-Bah) that we take it one step further and limit molestation ONLY to facimiles of consenting adults. This includes sock puppets and paper-mache figurines.

Blogger JenL said...

This is so the religion for me, so long as it doesn't require any effort. Particularly if it honors and values cute shoes, talk of poo, pre and post marital sex, and so forth. Besides, after certain diaper changes, I refer to my wee one as pooper scooper, so we might fit right in.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Okay everybody: The Church of Chocolate Monkey Love has a blogsite! go here to join our awesome cult - er... CHURCH! I meant church!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I would like to be a member but I am not nearly witty enough to partake of this repartee. And I'm not sure I even spelled repartee correctly.

I could be the caterer.

Blogger miss kendra said...

pants: you pretty much have an authoritative position on the cult stuff, so if you have any advice, please, pass it along.

danny: you can, but you are under little obligation.

melissa: i am not a laughing matter!!! i command respect, but i demand macaroni pictures and popcorn necklaces!

wombat: let's conduct sermons by sock puppet.

jenl: you sound like you're in.

wombat: but it won't be really complete until there is a banner. now draw, poobah!

brooke: you are so cocml material. i love you.

Blogger miss kendra said...

brooke: you can also be the caterer.


(don't forget i have allergies)

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I don't know what the hell is going on here.

Who wants cupcakes?

Blogger Colleen said...

tails = monkeys
no tails = apes

Blogger miss kendra said...

uber: we're starting a chocolate monkey revolution. and yes to cupcakes!

colleen: very interesting. i think we should love both monkeys and apes. but now we'll know the difference.

i wonder if there are ever mutant apes who have little tails and all the other apes make fun of them.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

As an authoritative position on the cult stuff I strongly urge you to require secret underwear. It will be very bonding if everyone wears the same secret, powerful and protective underwear. I suggest underoos.

Blogger Tim said...

This definitely sounds like something I'd be interested in, but I want to know about the CoCML's views on procreation.

How do you make babies? Immaculate conceptions? Does the grand poobah need to do the impregnations? Or do we just have regular hot monkey sex?

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Could I be the door greeter? I'd be a great doorgreeter.

Ok, I totally WAS a doorgreeter, in a church not nearly as cool as this, but the point is I have EXPERIENCE.

Plus, I want first dibs on all the hotties as they walk in the door.

Blogger miss kendra said...

pants: brilliant. i knew i could count on you.

tim: whatever works for you is cool with us. unless it violates the basic tenet of course.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Just for the record, monkeys regularly make fun of the apes. Its just too easy (like hugging a Wombat or pinching the cheeks of a passing Brooke).

Blogger GrandPooOfAwesome said...

I thought I was the grandpoo of your soul. I'm so disappointed.

I should, I think, at least get some awesome position in the cult.

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