the truth about valancy jane

i’m going to try to be nice about this, but i feel there are some things you should know.

valancy jane has been lying to you, internets.

the first thing i noticed was her siamese twin. she’s shriveled and almost completely covered in matted brown fur, so it was hard not to stare. valancy jane hugged me hello and the twin winked at me (she wears an eyepatch, so i suppose she could have been blinking, but…) and then she mouthed the words, “you’re pretty. i think i love you.” she had a pierced tongue. when i went into the bathroom i could hear them whispering, mostly nonsense, because you know how twins have their own languages? well between all the beeps and honks i picked out that the smaller, more hirsute valancy jane is named “amelia.”

valancy jane has also claimed to be a lover of animals. she says she has 22 pets. what you should know is that valancy jane in fact has no pets- she has experiments. each of her cats appears to be missing a leg, and though i checked some drawers and cabinets, i found no sign of them. along those lines, (though unfortunately due to the ambiguous nature of cat fur and its coloring, i cannot prove anything) i also strongly suspect that their heads may have been switched. she told me she wants to paint a beagle puppy blue. later, i was somewhat thrown by her mer-bird, which i can only assume she fashioned from a goldfish, a cockatiel, and some carpet thread, and of whom she kept saying, “third time’s a charm!” but i kept my screams to myself. amelia was watching me and gnashing her tiny shrunken teeth. i think she might have been packing some heavy artillery, because one leg of her pants was rolled up exposing a tiny cloven hoof.

which brings me to my next point. valancy jane is the leader of a nipple-tassel wearing hooker gang. i have PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE. when i accidentally burned my finger she used it to her advantage. i passed out from the searing pain and when i woke up, i was a straight up banger. i was also sore in some strange places. i told her i would have to work up to the hooker part, but she turned at least five tricks while i was sleeping. i heard the door open and then some creaking, and there was careful price negotiation when one guy wanted amelia in on the action too. mostly i just hid my head under the pillow and cried.

valancy jane also made me try on dresses of questionable taste*. it was like the liberace museum, but with more sequins, beading and itchy tulle.

fuschia!

blue!

white!

golden!

half-naked!

sherbert!

as you can see, she tried some too, which was probably the most normal part of the whole experience. except that when she touched the fabrics to her skin they started melting. i think she might be spawned of the devil.

valancy jane buys only pink envelopes. she mails handcuffs to strangers.

she eats leaves and brown mush from a foil bag.

she also steals bird toys.

valancy jane has an algae farm and a pulpit in her bedroom. i can only assume this is where she conducts her "transactions."

her bathtub is green, but not because it came that way.


you can read her version here. (lies! all lies!)



* there was one dress i actually liked.