February 06, 2006
the truth about valancy jane

i’m going to try to be nice about this, but i feel there are some things you should know.

valancy jane
has been lying to you, internets.

the first thing i noticed was her siamese twin. she’s shriveled and almost completely covered in matted brown fur, so it was hard not to stare. valancy jane hugged me hello and the twin winked at me (she wears an eyepatch, so i suppose she could have been blinking, but…) and then she mouthed the words, “you’re pretty. i think i love you.” she had a pierced tongue. when i went into the bathroom i could hear them whispering, mostly nonsense, because you know how twins have their own languages? well between all the beeps and honks i picked out that the smaller, more hirsute valancy jane is named “amelia.”

valancy jane has also claimed to be a lover of animals. she says she has 22 pets. what you should know is that valancy jane in fact has no pets- she has experiments. each of her cats appears to be missing a leg, and though i checked some drawers and cabinets, i found no sign of them. along those lines, (though unfortunately due to the ambiguous nature of cat fur and its coloring, i cannot prove anything) i also strongly suspect that their heads may have been switched. she told me she wants to paint a beagle puppy blue. later, i was somewhat thrown by her mer-bird, which i can only assume she fashioned from a goldfish, a cockatiel, and some carpet thread, and of whom she kept saying, “third time’s a charm!” but i kept my screams to myself. amelia was watching me and gnashing her tiny shrunken teeth. i think she might have been packing some heavy artillery, because one leg of her pants was rolled up exposing a tiny cloven hoof.

which brings me to my next point. valancy jane is the leader of a nipple-tassel wearing hooker gang. i have PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE. when i accidentally burned my finger she used it to her advantage. i passed out from the searing pain and when i woke up, i was a straight up banger. i was also sore in some strange places. i told her i would have to work up to the hooker part, but she turned at least five tricks while i was sleeping. i heard the door open and then some creaking, and there was careful price negotiation when one guy wanted amelia in on the action too. mostly i just hid my head under the pillow and cried.

valancy jane also made me try on dresses of questionable taste*. it was like the liberace museum, but with more sequins, beading and itchy tulle.







as you can see, she tried some too, which was probably the most normal part of the whole experience. except that when she touched the fabrics to her skin they started melting. i think she might be spawned of the devil.

valancy jane buys only pink envelopes. she mails handcuffs to strangers.

she eats leaves and brown mush from a foil bag.

she also steals bird toys.

valancy jane has an algae farm and a pulpit in her bedroom. i can only assume this is where she conducts her "transactions."

her bathtub is green, but not because it came that way.

you can read her version here. (lies! all lies!)

* there was one dress i actually liked.


Blogger Sarah Smile said...

*hangs head*

Some of these things are true. But the bathtub was your doing and you know it.

Blogger miss kendra said...

vj: i'm not listening... i can't hear you. lalalalala!

Blogger Colleen said...

I now understand why she has so many 'pets'...

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

It's better to be switched than to be swatched (which is what I first read). Plus, I like you in the fuschia dress. Verry *stunning*!!

Sigh. It looks like you goofballs had a lot of fun. Too bad I was busy looking for firefighters when VJ's open invite came across the ether. Mebbe next time. . .

Blogger CommonWombat said...

The point where I fell madly in love with this post was the franken-bird going "third time's a charm!"

The mind boggles.

Blogger jiggs said...

This post was extremely arousing. I hope no one comes into my office.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I am very disturbed by this. I am also aroused, which disturbs me as well.

I want to try on dresses and drink tequila. Oh wait, you guys didn't drink. Why the hell not????

Blogger miss kendra said...

colleen: i didn't even tell you about the crabs. you heard me.

monkey gurrl: the fuschia one had alot going on. it was better on my hot bod than on the hanger. we should have just taken pictures of them on the hangers so you wouldn't be distracted.

wombat: i am pleased to know i pleased you. the franken-bird was quite terrifying.

jiggs: you liked the parts about the swwitched body parts, didn't you. me too.

brooke: she drank wine. i took pills. it was all quite lovely.

Blogger jiggs said...

I did like that. I also liked the part about women getting naked to try on each others clothes.

I also really liked the fact that valency jane has a stubby little siamese twin. What was that twin's name? was it kuato? Did the little twin say something like:

You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory.

More importantly, was there a prostitute there with three breasts? That would have been awesome!

Blogger Calzone said...

does she sleep naked?

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: she was the only prostitute that i saw. she might have three breasts, but i doubt it. why hide that, with all the other stuff she's got going on??

calzone: not that i know of, but she was up before i was. her cats do.

Blogger jiggs said...

true. if I had three breasts, i would constantly be flaunting my double cleavage.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Of course I don't have three boobs. If I did, you'd see three nipple tassles.

Blogger Calzone said...

I would have been here earlier but I have to drag around my enormous penis wherever I go.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

valancy jane sound suspiciously like Vendetta, the fiend maker!

Thank you, thank you for the bangin ribbon photos...I needed that.

Blogger jiggs said...

valency jane: I hadn't thought of that, but it makes total sense now.

miss k: I forgot to add that you look hot in that last dress.

calzone has a giant penis.

Blogger Beeb said...

love the white ones!

good to see you are having a blast.

Blogger Calzone said...

My cock is so huge all the restraurants in town say seats 240 people or Calzones Penis

Blogger jiggs said...

man! calzone has a big cock!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Is Calzone's cock related to VJ's franken-bird? That's purty FOWL! hahahahahahhahahaha. I crack m'self up!

Blogger Thérèse said...

Oh! I didn't realize that the nipple tassle thing had gone full blown.

I'm so glad she got you in on it. It'll be on the runway next season. I just know it.

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: that must be why you wear those low rider pants.

valancy jane: check and mate.

calzone: you can’t have gone very far because the section you asked me to hold is still right here.

pants: she was just like that. but more hookery. i’m glad you liked the banger pics, but i’m pretty sure i either have to give someone a hand job soon or get jumped out of the gang. i’m afraid to find out what that might mean. i may need to seek shelter at your house.

jiggs: thanks! i probably would have bought it if it were slightly less expensive. and i know you love calzone, but maybe you could keep it to a dull roar? i’m trying to continue believing you love no one but me.

beeb: the white ones left little pieces everywhere we walked. if i ever plan on walking in the woods, that’s what i’m wearing. and some bug spray.

calzone: i know. it’s pretty much why i like you.

jiggs: me! love me!

monkey gurrl: i don’t think so, but only mutant seed could come from a cock that large. so maybe.

therese: we told you all about the tassels when you called us in the middle of the night high on your eightball of cocaine.

Blogger Egan said...

That red dress you're wearing in that final shot is quite nice. This reminds me of a 90210 episode or two about Donna's store Now Wear This. I think it may be in your neck of the woods. Watch out for Gina though, she's a sneaky bitch.

Blogger miss kendra said...

egan: i think she's a casino host in vegas now, isn't she?

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

So, any pictures of this woman-on woman-on siamese twin action?

Blogger Libby said...

Where the hell did you find all of these dresses?!?!?!!???

Does VJ have these things hanging in her closet? I'm confused.

Blogger Frog said...

Gold ! Gold ! Gold!

Blogger babyjewels said...

I completely believe everything about Valancy jane. It's the info about calzones penis I'm having a hard time swallowing.

Oh, look! a pun. ::vomit::

Blogger Übermilf said...

Calzone IS a giant penis

Blogger Egan said...

I will check on the status of Donna Martin and get back to you in a bit.

Blogger Egan said...

Okay, I guess Tori means bird in Japanese. She also had a tattoo of a rose on her left ankle. She's working on her second marriage and nothing is mentioned of Vegas. Donna Martin, I love you!

Blogger miss kendra said...

acw: no luck. sorry. you have an active imagination though. just work with what i provided.

libby: we went to some prom/bridal store. it was like a horror movie.

frog: i know. the gold is quite, um, breathtaking.

jewels: of course you believe it. you're a member of her gang. now get a room.

uber: that's all you have to say? i'm hurt.

egan: i was talking about gina. she's the one who's on vegas. donna has zombie cleavage and a mummy for a father.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

I think the white dresses were great!

And the boobie tassles? Hott.

Oh, and FIVE tricks? How long of a nap did you take?!

Blogger Monkey said...

Oh my merciful heavens! How did I miss this yesterday?

Valency Jane's twin is UH DOOR AH BULL. But Good Lord, where did you go to try on dresses? The Bridesmaid's graveyard?

The kitty with the switched head was strangely endearing. Remind me not to visit Ms. Jane though. I like my head very much thank you.

Blogger miss kendra said...

melissa: the white dresses were horrible! how do you not see?????

monkey: it was the bridesmaid's graveyard. we had to strip the corpses ourselves.

i think she liked it.

Blogger Monkey said...

The things they can do with embalming techniques these days. The dresses looked in such fine condition!

Even the one with the blood all over it.

Blogger jiggs said...

OK. in an attempt to redirect my admiration towards you instead of calzone:


Blogger Egan said...

You so nailed it Kendra with those descriptions.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

wow, those dresses are quite something.

Blogger Quirkalot said...


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