i have a negative effect on nouns.
i do bad things to them with my very presence. i get people in car accidents, i punch holes in the ozone layer, i scuff perfectly good spectator shoes. all of these are ranked equivalently.
this weekend, both pickles and julius boon nearly perished. i say perished because it’s less déclassé than “kicked the bucket,” and also far more dramatic than plain old died. mary j. can just send her drama right on over because it is so welcome here.
saturday evening i was watching some quality television (hahahahaha) when i heard some strange noises coming from the general vicinity of behind me. when i drew back the curtain i was greeted by a man masquerading as an all powerful floating head.
once i got him out of my way i could see… that julius boon needed my help! he was halfway out the window due to a lazy screen that had suddenly given up on staying. view an artist's rendering of the crime in progress here. needless to say, i grabbed him by his furry hindparts and squeezed him to my bosoms till he screamed. you heard it here first- my bosoms make things scream. and since you've seen the bounty of his booty: may i present a gratutious shot of his other parts. for your viewing pleasure.
just when i thought we were all safe once more, pickles demanded a snack, and because he’s so darn
here’s where i decide that maybe i should check with the real all powerful floating head to see if maybe this was not such a good idea.
what have i done????
what. have i. done?????
they’re both fine, but i’ve been considering getting some stinky hippie to come over and investigate my karma and shit. you know, cleanse the old chakras and all that. because i will not be held responsible for the cat pancake cleanup, nor can i afford a canine dialysis machine.
in other news, i think their shared peril brought them together, because look!
in the same bed!
soon they’ll be lovers and i’ll have to resort to selling their weird little babies on ebay.