February 13, 2006
google saved my family

noun: a word that can be used to refer to a person, place or thing.

i have a negative effect on nouns.

i do bad things to them with my very presence. i get people in car accidents, i punch holes in the ozone layer, i scuff perfectly good spectator shoes. all of these are ranked equivalently.

this weekend, both pickles and julius boon nearly perished. i say perished because it’s less déclassé than “kicked the bucket,” and also far more dramatic than plain old died. mary j. can just send her drama right on over because it is so welcome here.

saturday evening i was watching some quality television (hahahahaha) when i heard some strange noises coming from the general vicinity of behind me. when i drew back the curtain i was greeted by a man masquerading as an all powerful floating head.

once i got him out of my way i could see… that julius boon needed my help! he was halfway out the window due to a lazy screen that had suddenly given up on staying. view an artist's rendering of the crime in progress here. needless to say, i grabbed him by his furry hindparts and squeezed him to my bosoms till he screamed. you heard it here first- my bosoms make things scream. and since you've seen the bounty of his booty: may i present a gratutious shot of his other parts. for your viewing pleasure.

just when i thought we were all safe once more, pickles demanded a snack, and because he’s so darn cute threatening, i gave him one. half a grape, which he let roll around in his mouth and then swallowed with ardent fervor. he like it, and so of course he sat by me until i gave him more and forced me at gunpoint to give him more, for a massive total of 1.5 red seedless grapes.

here’s where i decide that maybe i should check with the real all powerful floating head to see if maybe this was not such a good idea.



what have i done????
what. have i. done?????


they’re both fine, but i’ve been considering getting some stinky hippie to come over and investigate my karma and shit. you know, cleanse the old chakras and all that. because i will not be held responsible for the cat pancake cleanup, nor can i afford a canine dialysis machine.

in other news, i think their shared peril brought them together, because look!



in the same bed!

soon they’ll be lovers and i’ll have to resort to selling their weird little babies on ebay.



44 Comments:

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

It was JUST half a grape, right? Those poor dogs with kidney failure must've eaten thousands...I hope. What makes 'em so bad, anyway?!

Oh, and the pic of Boon's nether regions was just what I needed to brighten my day. :)

Blogger miss kendra said...

melissa:he actually had 1.5 grapes before i checked with the royal googliness. (the sites said a few grapes shouldn't be a big deal.)

Blogger mk99 said...

Cute kids....and I think they will be fine. Everything in moderation. Considering the disgusting things they drag in (dead moles, mice, etc.), what could possibly be worse?

Blogger Beeb said...

how did google save your precious kitty??

grapes + dogs = bad

and I've heard:

ham + dogs = bad too!

glad everyone is okay! (let me know when the weird babies are for sale.)

Blogger Libby said...

Wouldn't they actually be INCESTUAL lovers??

Blogger miss kendra said...

mk99: i agree. 1.5 grapes won't kill a 65 pound dog. but a two story window drop will not be had in moderation by julius boon or anyone else in my houselhold for that matter! i hope you're all listening!

beeb: google says ham is too salty, which makes them drink too much, which makes them bloat and then their guts twist up and they die. so no ham. google saved julius boon by pointing me in the right direction for treatment, which apparently includes listening to quite a bit of suicidal tendencies.

Blogger miss kendra said...

libby: i don't think so. i mean, i don't knwo their parents so i can't be sure, but according to the wise gospel of clueless step sibling romance is totally ok.

Blogger Tel said...

OMG! I love when animals snuggle together! They loves each other!

Blogger Brookelina said...

That is the greatest picture of a cat butt I have ever seen.

Blogger miss kendra said...

tel: i know. they kissed too (no tongue), but i didn't capture the moment.

brooke: the drawing? or the photo of his white undercarriage?

Blogger Frog said...

I hope google saves frogs too :)

Blogger CommonWombat said...

I'm pretty sure dogs and cats sleeping together is an actual sign of the end-times.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I don't know if cats can eat grapes, but I give my kitten wine all the time. I wish he would stop putting it in a paper bag though.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Hmmm. I never heard of the dog/grape theory. And my Jaggers has had quite a few in her day. I have heard of the chocolate factor - NO CHOCO FOR PICKLES!!!!

I *love* the drawing of Boon - complete with bunghole!!! Too frickin funny.

Blogger babyjewels said...

I concur with Brooke. Best cat butt picture ever. And believe me, I've seen my share.

Blogger Brookelina said...

The drawing. BabyJ only concurs with me because she wants to have sex with me. It's true.

Blogger miss kendra said...

frog: google saves us all.

wombat: maybe if the dog were a real dog, but pickles is a dog of another color. mostly black.

acw: pickles likes coors light, but we're trying to cut him back. so far julius boon is only into crack, but one of these days he'll want to come down and we all know how that goes.

monkey gurrl: a few at a time is ok i guess, but more than that can be harmful. and no worries- we don't eat chocolate in my house.

jewels: someday i will have my own gallery show.

brooke: we all do.

Blogger Calzone said...

I'm starting to think you are some 80 year old dude that sits around all day and makes this stuff up

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I hate it when my cats get suicidal and try to escape my cluthes by pushing the screens out of the windows...because they do...and there is no air conditioning in Seattle...so I have to leave the freaking windows open in the summer or we would all die.

Inconsiderate pricks.

Blogger Egan said...

I am humbled by your abilities to tell such wonderful stories. And your art is quite lovely too.

Blogger miss kendra said...

calzone: pot. kettle. black.

sassy: what silly feline would want to escape your fine clutches?

egan: i don't tell stories, man. i live them.

i said that with a straight face. really.

Blogger jiggs said...

I might just start calling you the black widow.

Blogger riseyp said...

awwwwwwww: love the inter-species bed-sharing!!!!

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: i might find it appropriate. i hope you can find your way past this and continue loving me, in your charmingly creepy way.

riseyp: you should have seen it when Boy laid down between them. heart warming.

Blogger Egan said...

Great point Kendra.

Blogger jiggs said...

Can I look past the fact that sooner or later you'll try to kill me? Of course!

"charmingly creepy" did you get that from my profile or did you independently invent that phrase to describe me?

Blogger Thérèse said...

What did we do before google? I don't even know.

Blogger miss kendra said...

egan: of course it was. i rule.

jiggs: does the origin of truth really matter?

therese: i don't remember. i think i'm blocking it out.

Blogger babyjewels said...

well isn't someone full of themselves, brooke.

(are your panties off yet?)

sorry to bring this smut to your blog kendra

Blogger miss kendra said...

jewels: i love smut. now get naked.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Oh, Miss Kendra. Happy Valentine's Day with sugar on top.

Blogger miss kendra said...

ubie: thank you! i was just looking at a crochet pattern that made me think of you.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I love the way you tell a story. The picture is great, you have inspired me to tell a story about my cat and dog and I have the cutest picture of the 2 of them in bed together. Trust me Schnauzer/Bengal babies would be much more hideous than your Lab/Tabby(a guess). Have a great Valentines!

Blogger miss kendra said...

tumbleweed: freakish animal babies are way cute, no matter their genetic makeup.

and julius boon is no tabby. he is a viscious tiger cub! rowr!

Blogger miss kendra said...

i spelled vicious wrong. forgive me.

Blogger Krystle said...

Just a warning...not only grapes and chocolate, but I've heard that licorice ain't too good for them either.

It's such a pity, cause my baby loves grapes.

Blogger Danny said...

Hey Kendra...I went back to work because things sucked so badly with my wife. Things are horrible right now, thanks for being someone that understands me.

Blogger Danny said...

I hope that didnt weird you out.

Blogger miss kendra said...

krystle: i don't normally feed him anything weird. grapes seemed harmless. he likes cheerios and hotdogs.

danny: you're welcome, and no.

Blogger Egan said...

Kendra, did you really order BabyJewels to strip? I am getting a little worked up here.

Blogger jiggs said...

Does the origin of truth matter? I have thought about this for quite a while, and the answer is yes. Because without it, how could we assign blame?

I love blaming.

Blogger Monkey said...

I don't know why, but I just saw this.

Is it wrong that the rendering of the cat butt titillated my hoo-hah?

P.S. If BabyJewels and Brooke will be having hot sex, I want to be there.

Blogger scum said...

Yeah, the artist's rendition of boon's ass was the absolute best. I'm so glad I saw that.

Blogger Rrramone said...

First time visitor, and I am a fan. I love your writing and your sense of the universe. Wise beyond your years, IF you're telling the truth about your age. :-)

Keep being you.

Post a Comment

<< Home

golden state