January 18, 2006
true story.

it began like any other gray and gloomy saturday morning, except that reverend ray was here and so we got to go out for breakfast. but still gray. gloomy. and saturday.

we went to the firehouse cafe in venice and sat down at the counter. no hint as to what was to come. <---foreshadowing. Boy and the reverend discussed beer and the incredibly pertinent points of the case "rolls royce v. bentley." i waited silently for nourishment.

this is because i am useless to everyone without food in my belly. i am brain dead and very angry, a shrill harpy with gnashing teeth. i require turkey sausage and breakfast potatoes if i am to be the beauty with whom you are all acquainted. turkey sausage now!

approximately 13 minutes after we entered, Boy nudged me and whispered the sweetest words i am ever to hear. he looked deep into my eyes and held my hand and said quietly, "herr james caan kam gerade herein." but maybe in english.

"james caan just came in."

to the firehouse! for food! this was especially shocking because i thought james caan needed no food. james caan eats only to appear mortal.

i immediately scribbled a note on my napkin to give to the waitress. in my best "i'm-not-crazy-please-believe-me" handwriting i wrote
dear james caan

i like you. check here if you like me too.

sincerely, the girl in the leopard coat at the breakfast counter

then my sausage came so i ate it.

the waitress (who was not of the "i'm-really-an-actress-please-believe-me" variety as evidenced by her habit of actually being nice to people) returned my note and i held it in my hand for brief few moments of golden anticipation.

the check mark glowed with a preternatural light, probably because james caan has a pen filled with human souls. james caan takes them from the undesereving and james caan doesn't ask first.

of course i jumped up from the counter and ran into james caan's arms where we persisted in making out until the gray skies cleared and sun burned through. the clouds were a little thin but they got it together and fluffed right up. it was james caan's will.

*disclaimer* elements of this story may be fabricated- maybe- but james caan is for real.


Blogger Brookelina said...

I bow to your excellence in both story telling and love-note writing. No, I curtsy. Curtsying is more appropriate.

I forget how to curtsy. I will simply worship at your shrine.

Blogger Monkey said...

You had me at checkmark. I was on the edge of my seat, the edge of my seat I tell you!

I wish the story were true, so therefor it is true. It's true! And I believe it.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Monkey, we did that at the exact same time! Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a weird crush on James Caan too. Is that so wrong?

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I also elect to believe that this story is true, much like I elect to believe that a teenager really could survive 8 months on a lifeboat with a tiger, or that my husband is capable of doing housework without being reminded for more than one day in a row.

of course I sound familiar, I'm fucking superman's left boot.

Blogger miss kendra said...

brooke: i have much experience at both. i teach a love note class if you're interested.

monkey: i said it *may be* fabricated. so therefore it's true.

brooke: it was good for all of us. james caan wishes to offer you a cigarette. i suggest accepting.

xt: it's so not weird.

sassy: all that is totally true. a teenager definately would survive because teenagers are invincible.

also, i would make out with james caan because i am irresistable.

Blogger miss kendra said...

boot: ahh yes. i forgot.

james caan says hello.

Blogger Libby said...

Ok, you were WAY cooler than I would have been, had James Caan showed up in my room at the Luxor, as I asked the room service people (who told me they could get ANYTHING) to provide.

I would have puked, passed out and choked on my own tongue.

I'm suave and debonair like that. That's why I gets all the menfolk to worship me.

Blogger miss kendra said...

libby: men like james caan respond to my charm.

also the chloroform helps.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'll smoke his cigarette! But I'd rather have his sausage.


Thank you. Thank you very much.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

James Caan, huh? Yeah, I did 'im.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I did John Stamos, too.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I'm jealous! I have not even seen nor met anyone that famous!

Blogger jiggs said...

Are you sure this isn't some kind of turkey sausage addled dream sequence?

Blogger babyjewels said...

James Caan spent a lot of time at the Playboy Mansion in the mid-80's. Do me a favor and have him wrap it up.

I don't want you getting a case of the scratchies.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Mmm, James Caan. For an old-type dude, he's not too shabby!

Blogger miss kendra said...

brooke: back away from the sausage.

monkey gurrl: you slut. give me stamos' number.

tumbleweed: i've also seen/met/eaten/had sex with sharon osborne, johnny knoxville, drusilla and danny bonaduce. Boy has seen infinitely more people. today he saw dylan mcdermot and ludacris.

i believe this is because my Boy is a man whore.

jiggs: everything i write here is true.

i do not use hyperbole. unless it gets mixed in with my crack cocaine.

jewels: james caan's penis is antibacterial and anti-microbial. it is so clean, you could eat off it.

melissa: indeed. james caan could kick many young-type dudes asses.

Blogger Monkey said...

I had sex with Brooke and missed the pillow talk! I'm so sad. So very sad. I always miss the good stuff.

Blogger Calzone said...

he's dreamy and shit

Blogger miss kendra said...

monkey: are you kidding me? sex with brooke is definately the good stuff. but we can start over if you like.

calzone: you know it. but it's not so much that he's dreamy as that if we do not worship him thusly he might very well kill us all.

Blogger Monkey said...

Let's start over. I'm so sad. I can't believe I missed it! I must have been in a Klonopin Coma or some such thing. Cough syrup anyone?

Blogger me said...

no back-of-the-head, or snuck-in-front-and-caught-him-completely-off-guard-while-jamming-pancakes-into-his-mouth pictures to illustrate?

the closest i've come to hollywood royalty is michael (dwarf) douglas and his ravishing bride catherine zeta jones who i'm totally over now cuz she lets her kid whine and when she's slummin' she really ain't all that hawt.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

James Caan? Didn't he got shot at the end of Godfather?

Eww... necrophilia is gross.

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

I so hope to one day be involved in a "Rolls vs. Bentley" conversation.

Blogger miss kendra said...

monkey: yes please. now disrobe.

me: they creep me out. thank you for confirming my unfounded suspicions.

acw: you're so jealous.

armaedes: get on it. i say start planning now so you can really have the upperhand in this earthshattering debate.

Blogger Egan said...

I love this story. Have you considered writing children's stories? I mean it.

Blogger miss kendra said...

egan: i have entertained the idea. i have also entertained the idea of health insurance and vacation days.

also, you and me and james caan and a bucket of chicken.

Blogger Übermilf said...

How do you know the waitress didn't just put a check there to make you feel good?

Blogger miss kendra said...

uber: did you miss the part about the preternatural light?

dumpy waitstaff have no access to human souls! only james caan can check with such panache.

also, shutup!

Blogger Thérèse said...

I'm shocked that the waitress didn't partake, frankly. She was the go between. Don't tell me she didn't have opportunity. I won't believe it.

Also, posts like this make me want to kiss you.

Blogger Egan said...

Health insurance and vacation days are overrated. Who really needs them? I don't, I get all my blogging done on work time.

Blogger sock puppet said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger miss kendra said...

therese: she clearly knew not the wonder of caan.


egan: me too! shhhh!

Blogger Egan said...

Psssttt.... no one really cares.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Wait...are we all going to have sex? I need to go shave my legs...

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