January 03, 2006
a tail of three kitties

before i was damaged by the angry gods of chevrolet, i had a singular goal in mind. it was so glorious and innovative and i wanted it more than i want more pills right now.

or maybe not. this shit hurts, yo.

all i wanted was for the ignorant house-on-wheels living, chef boyardee eating, newport light smoking, white jeans and purple granny panties wearing assholes around the corner to stop dumping a bag of cat food on their sidewalk and allowing the neighborhoods 2873156018347 strays to dine vegas style.

now i have a new dream. i dream that those same individuals, the “responsible humans,” will drown in a sea of pee and liquid poo, after having to stimulate the genitals of orphaned kittens left on the sidewalk by retards who think that putting a tupperware lid full of milk two feet away is enough to get three week old unweaned kittens through christmas in the fucking jungle.

christmas morning, Boy and i go to take pickles out. as this is the first thing we generally do in the mornings, we are still in pajamas. we are casually being pulled around the neighborhood when lo and behold:

those people must be evil because damn, we cute dog.

i can’t help it. they were raised on the streets of los angeles. they tend to stick together. they might be in a jailhouse gang.

this is where i give a big shout out to los angeles county animal control, who told me that not only would they not come get the kittens, but that if i brought them in, they would be euthanized. it’s nice to see that the lack of compassion here doesn’t just extend to people, and continues with great fervor through the busy holiday season.

and this is where i get in the car (still in my jammies) and get smooshed, which i will not really discuss except to say that immediately following the kerpow i was screeching like a crazy cat lady that the fireman better get the kittens out of the car and are they ok, ohmygodarethekittensallright, ohmygod ohmygod. overall i think i presented myself well, what with the people in kansas hearing my screams and the poor folks in the neighborhood of the smooshing watching my jammie clad self freaking out on the curb. at least i was wearing a bra.

when the car got towed away, some very kind strangers drove all five of use home for a night of fur, fun, and as i would come to know later, fleas.

this is dora, otherwise known as
Boy’s new girlfriend.

she had him at hello.

this is the bumble who likes to
make noise and gnash his jaws.
also pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

this is the cheat.
the cheat is chubbie.

this is the cheat eating from a visine bottle because
stupid pet stores are stupid closed on stupid christmas.

in closing, the kittens were way cute and now live in a kitten finishing school until someone adopts them and takes them home to love forever and ever, where as i still live in the fucking ghetto with a limited supply of painkillers and ever increasing pain and bitterness.

that's what i like to call a christmas miracle.


Blogger jiggs said...

Yay. I'm #1!

Blogger jiggs said...

For the year even!

I like kitties. What is a kitty finishing school?

I was infested by fleas once for about 20 minutes. Then I took a shower.

Blogger miss kendra said...

the finishing school is this lady's organization that raises kittens and young cats (and shelters some older cats) to make them into sweet nice kitties that people will want to hugandkiss forever.

she sponsors healthcare for them, and food and everything until someone takes them home. that's where boon came from.

Blogger Brookelina said...

You are my hero! No wait! You are my heroine! Not heroin the drug, but heroine the lady hero! Anyway, you are fabulous for saving the kitties.

We once saved a kitten from the side of a road. She had a tick the size of a marble on her head. We called the vet and he told us to put olive oil on her. I have no idea why. It did nothing but make her greasy and angry.

We named her Olive Oyl, of course.

Blogger Tel said...

Oh my goodness, those baby kitties are SO SWEET!

Put an add on Craigslist. Better yet, you could take them to the SPCA, and they'll find nice, loving homes for those babies.

Blogger babyjewels said...

You are just wonderful and the boy, too. Why can't there be more of you? Great names, too.

Blogger amandamonkey said...

I wouln't've been able to leave them either.

Feel better.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i'm thinking of subtitling the blog "genital stimulator extraordinaire."

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Gawd, I'm so in love with the Bumble. Too bad I already have one house and one feral catlet. :( I'm doubly sorry to hear you're still feelin kinda crappy. Sucks.

On the bright side, the year can only get better!

Blogger Übermilf said...

Now I want to adopt you and boy! You'll both have to be fixed, of course.

Blogger tfg said...

Thems some lucky cats. By the way, there is no crying in Vicodin.

Blogger Beeb said...

I love the cheat. We have oh-so-much in common.

1. I'm sort of a red-head.

2. I always need frizz-ease... even though it doesn't work.

3. I am chubby too.

4. Oh, and I love eating from visine bottles.

5. I've got whiskers and a body covered in fur...

Our only difference???
I don't cheat... unless it's with you. :)

Blogger Malicia said...

You are an angel...why do bad things keep happening to you?

Blogger karla said...

I'm glad the kittens didn't end up having to wear neck braces too. Not because they're babies and wouldn't understand what was going on, and not because I don't want them in pain or discomfort--but because you are way cuter in a neck brace than any of those kitties would be. Even with Kermit eating your head.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

First of all, I must say that I LOVE the fact that you called one The Bumble and one The Cheat.
I'm also glad that you found them a nice place to grow up. How could someone euthanize a kitten? I liken this to slapping the smile off of a baby's face...except probably worse because some babies are total assholes.

Blogger Tel said...


Yes, some babies ARE total assholes.

Are we thinking of the same toddler who ran wild in our house?

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Damnit, once again you caused me to make very un-manly squealing noises. Then I called Sal in to see the pics so that I wouldn't be the only one making stupid noises. We then squealed in harmony.

I'd take one in a heartbeat except we have 3 already and for the sake of our sanity the inn is now closed. Blame our youngest, Booger. Sal rscued her from a storm drain in the nearby park. She's CRAZY. Crazy in an endearing way, but still...

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that if taking a hit like you did for the sake of some kittens doesn't get you in to heaven, it certainly gets you to the top of the Wombat Personal Hero Ladder.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Miss Kendra, you are my hero!

And those kitties are so cute I want one more than I want my cramps to go away, and goddamn if that isn't a lot. If I were permitted kittens I would totally roadtrip it down for a little rescue mission.

The Cheat is melting my hard, brittle, heart.

Blogger Libby said...

I want that Cheat. Even though goliath would probably eat him.

Could you please have them send me Cheat immediately? Even better, I will get in my superneatokeen rental car and drive there and pick him up. I will be there in approximately 3 hours.

So if you see a crazy redhead driving what looks like a grey tank, wearing jammies with yard gnomes on them, that's me. Please save me from my own insanity.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Libby, I would make that trip with you...but would have to fight you for The Cheat.
Not that I need a fourth cat. Only because I don't think the carpet could soak up that much pee.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is a kitty finishing school!? That is awesome, because as I was reading your story, I immediately thought, "oh no - unweaned kitten babies? Taken from their mommy? Who is going to teach them cat manners, to clean themselves, to be social and play nicely??" You are a hero. I hope you take the tow truck driver to the cleaners.

I wish we could have a cat...my dog would love it (seriously. She squeals and wags her tail whenever she sees one). Too bad Mr Moe is allergic (and he cleans so I'll keep him).

Blogger me said...

you are the most awesomely awesome person on earth...
you should be the president of your united states or something.
that person who hit your car will burn in hell for it... i mean, you were saving kitties!!!
move over angelina, there's a new tattoo'd, crazy love declaring, wanna-save-the-world-one-emaciated-being-at-a-time, uber hot chick in town
(p.s. ur my idol)

Blogger Egan said...

This is a cute story, except that part about the neighbors the lack of compassion from the LA County Animal Conrol. Otherwise it wise quite touching. I blame the photos.

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

Oh, I love the kitties.

The Philadelphia Dept of Animal Control is no better. I found a cat outside our apartment one day, drove all over the worst parts of No. Philly for four hours before I could find the shelter (despite the fact taht It was a Monday, they wouldn't pick the cat up, and since I already had three cats and a dog, I couldn't keep it), and once I got there, they made me sign all these release forms about how the cat would be euthanized if no one claimed it in 2 days. Like I didn't already feel horrible enough.

I'm glad there are people like you. I just wish people like you didn't get into car accidents.

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

I've actually only ever bought a pet one time that I can remember; every other time I just sort of "adopted" them (except adoption implies it was done intentionally).

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

I want a kitten soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!!!
But, I can't afford one. I know that sounds crazy. With the 2 dogs, the GP's and the fish I have lots of pets costs. Pepper was in the hospital 7 times last year due to illness, then you add the vacs and sentinal each year, plus foor and the other pets.
No kitten money. *sigh*
My cat dies Jan 10th 05, she was 18. I want a kitty... whaaaaaaaaaaa

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