January 24, 2006
jiggle!

business to attend to: i will not be blogging tomorrow as i will be at the doctor. in addition to your regular comments, please feel free to leave me quesions, any questions, a la this post by anonymous coworker. i will answer them thursday. now back to your scheduled blog, already in progress.


yesterday’s post was prophetic. today i reek of onion and not even the tiniest whiff of cookie is seeping through. i feel masked, unlike myself, and also slightly nauseated.

and now, a story in two parts.

part one: i decided on sunday that it would be a good idea to make beef stew in my crock pot. yes, i own a crock pot. and i use it. i also covet this because then i could make individual banana breads. (i’m excited just thinking about it.) so this morning i had to assemble the ingredients, which include softened onions. so i cooked some. this morning. in my pajamas.

and despite my best efforts, the stink persists, through a change of clothes, deodorant and subtle perfume! i’ve washed my hands 236145 times so now they’re chipping off in delicate onion scented flakes.

i can only pray that the stink has followed me here and not permeated every fiber of my apartment and its contents. nobody likes a cat who smells like dirty armpits. even if he licks your neck for elongated periods of time while you’re sleeping, then crawls up on your pillow and chews your hair into a nest.

part two: last night Boy and i were preparing the ingredients for beef stew. i had a big knife. that was my first mistake. i was cutting a potato while hopped up on prescription drugs. that was (possibly) my second mistake. so then i cut a big slice right through my thumb/thumbnail. blood and starch make neat red bubbles. ooooh science! that’s not really the story, but i though maybe i could get some pity. on three- 1,2,3 pity!

anyway, after we cut up all the celery and potatoes and carrots and onion (evil eye) we put it all in little containers till this morning, and then cleaned up, throwing all the ends and icky parts down the disposal. which we then ran for a good two minutes, but the death sounds emanating from within never ceased. so i stuck my hand in.

i turned it off first. geez, how stupid/insane/drug-addled do you think i am that i would put sharp things so close to my delicate hands? oh, right.

apparently the disposal saw fit to digest all the veggibles, but then it invoked some sort of demonic powers to separate the meat from the gristley parts and then whip up some fat batter.

it’s like toffee, pulled and yanked and reconstituted, but instead of yummy sugars, with icky gelatinous animal fat.

and because i love you of course, here are some pictures.

i totally touched that! i am so bad ass! roar!



49 Comments:

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Damn. I would have to be eating my lunch while reading that lovely story. And viewing the pictures. 'Scuze me whilst I go HURL.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Wow. WOW, I actually had to control the upchuck reflex when I saw the picture.

Cause as Monkeygurrl said...

Excuse me (runs to toilet)

Blogger babyjewels said...

Tyler Durdin wants to buy that to make soap.

Question: You've gone to hell. You must now hold down your absolute least favorite job, constantly stalk your least favorite blog and watch your least favorite tv show for eternity. All while wearing your least favorite outfit. What are they? And do you give the Dark One sexual favors if he occassionally lets you change the channel?

Blogger miss kendra said...

monkeygurrl and therese: sorry. but i totally touched it! and then i ate dinner!

i am the greatest....

Blogger Danny said...

I don't even know what to say to this.

Oh man.

I'm so turned on right now.

Blogger d34dpuppy said...

its pretty generic lookin stuff...not gross at all i mean a bubbly bloody flour pate pic woulda been way better ;o)

Blogger d34dpuppy said...

its pretty generic lookin stuff...not gross at all i mean a bubbly bloody finger n flour paste pic woulda been way better ;o)

Blogger Libby said...

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I read the first sentence or so, and the last sentence and then clicked on all the links and now I'm confused because you threw up on a plate and took a picture?

Jesus, I love painkillers.

Blogger xt said...

Oh Miss Kendra, I don't know if I can forgive you for that.

BUT, because I love you I am willing to try. And to offer this tip re: hands smelling of onions. Rub your hands on stainless steel (like the clean, FLAT PART of your knife) under running water. Then do it again when dry. It takes the smell away.

Blogger miss kendra said...

danny: i knew you would be. get a room.

deadpuppy: knowing that it's raw fat makes it grosser. plus, i touched it.

libby: pretty much.

Blogger miss kendra said...

brooke:is that your question? why isn't anyone asking questions?????

Blogger miss kendra said...

blogger time warped us again.

Blogger miss kendra said...

xt: you are brilliant. well, maybe. if it works you're brilliant. if it doesn't, i'm coming after you with the stump i'll surely be left with after attempting such a stunt.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I have gotten those in my disposal as well. Thank you for sharing. Could somebody please bring me a bucket?

Blogger miss kendra said...

my comments for brooke are above her.

they like to be on top.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Those pictures made me dry-heave.

Usually I'm grossing other people out, but today you have put me off food entirely for a week.

Huluuuugh....

Blogger miss kendra said...

wombat: did you see the cute kittie pictures down below? that might make it better.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i'm really surprised no one has commented on how cute my plates are.

Blogger Krystle said...

Miss Kendra:

Question: If you were a pickle who (other than Boy) would you want to eat you?

Also, I mini-puked at the picture. Swear. Then, I actually had a mental picture of that being what they cut out of me on Friday during surgery and that actually made me run for the toilet...

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

This is a sentence I hoped I would never have to type:

That garbage disposal fat picture is more disgusting than the ass zit popping video.

Another question based upon the question posed by babyjewels:
Would giving the Dark One sexual favors actually be considered punishment? Or perhaps a reward for being a good bad little minion?

Blogger Danny said...

I'm trying to find a room, but all I can find is a closet and a pantry full of stuffing.

Blogger miss kendra said...

krystle: what did they cut out of you? did you get to keep it?

sassy: no way. the butt zit was grosser. i totally touched the fat taffy and i would never touch a man's butt zit.

danny: that'll do, pig. that'll do.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

I was totally about to leave a comment about how cute your plates are.

And I asked my question yesterday.

Miss Kendra, what should I do with my life?

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Blogger Danny said...

you love me and you know it.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Wow. That travisgibson3835 is totally HAWT.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm never eating again.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i got spammed!

dammit. do i have to turn on word ver again? it's fine if they do the old posts, but the new ones... geez.

danny: that doesn't change anything.

pants: sorry. it's my new diet plan.

Blogger Egan said...

Hi, I found your blog while searching for nasty pictures of cooking incidents. I like what I see. Please visit my very cool blog that eats away my work day whenever you have a chance. I really do hope you are feeling better.

-spambot

Blogger jiggs said...

I love pictures of gross stuff. These amuse me greatly.

Question one: Why should I ask questions when you didn't answer my questions on the last post?

Question two: Why am I annoyed that you didn't answer my questions?

Question three: Am I so starved for attention from the fairer sex that I get pissy when you don't answer my questions?

Question four: How did my life become this pathetic?

Question five: Is there an end in sight or will it be a general sense of malaise for the rest of my existence?

Question six: Is my life some sort of practical joke that God is playing on me?

Question seven: Am I conceited/self-absorbed enough to think that God would go through the trouble of playing a practical joke on me?

Question eight: Is there a question eight?

Question nine (part one): Is this kind of behavior what people would brand as creepy?

Question nine (part two): Should it bother me that I'm not bothered by people thinking I'm creepy?

Question ten: Why am I suggesting these questions to you, when they are really questions for myself?

Blogger Danny said...

I don't know much, but I know I love you...and Aaron Neville.

Blogger JenL said...

Yuckola! I would try to relay the sound I made when I saw that but I couldn't figure out how to spell it.

Ok, some questions:

1. What is on your knitting needles these days?

2. Since I don't want to be a lawyer anymore, any suggestions for my next line of work?

Blogger Calzone said...

Why do my balls itch so much?

Blogger Calzone said...

I mean I know that you know the answer, I just want to fucking hear you say it.

Blogger Übermilf said...

First, how big was the slab of meat??? That's an awful lot of fat.

I've always wondered, what were the boys watching in 5th grade when they were showing us girls the movie about menstruation?

Why won't my husband throw things like wrappers and such in the garbage? He leaves them on the counter.

What the hell does "What Color Is Your Parachute" mean? I know it's a book. Why did he name it that? What is it supposed to signify?

Blogger Monkey said...

Oh mine eyes!

I made the error of looking at the photos first, before reading... because that is just how I am. And I was terrified! Terrified I tell you that you had eaten whatever the hell that thing was.

Dear God... I'm glad I was wrong. You are a brave, brave woman.

Dear Miss Kendra: Why is my fur falling out? Will I still be able to blog if I am naked? And like Jiggs... is the Universe playing cruel jokes on me?

Blogger Monkey said...

P.S. Will you still love me when I am a bald monkey?

Would you shave your cat if it amused you?

Blogger miss kendra said...

i am so looking forward to answering these questions.

i will answer them all in due time (jiggs).

please feel free to ask as many as you can come up with.

Blogger jiggs said...

I love making an ass out of myself. Why is that?

Blogger Egan said...

Can a spotted owl kill a Republican?

Blogger Monkey said...

If so, should we have Republicans stuffed or should they be taken out with the trash?

(with all due apologies to my Republican friends and family)

Blogger Quirkalot said...

Oh, dear. It looks like the alien in your belly finally got out! Good job killing it, though!

Blogger me said...

o swami...

1) why do hot dogs come in packages of twelve... and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

2) how can i get all of my work done without actually doing it and without giving someone else money to do it for me?

3) how do i get my cat to stop annoying me to near fatalistic violence when i'm trying to sleep?

p.s. you should model your fat into a miniature cow and put it in a window or on your desk at work for all to see and enjoy.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

This is how reading of your blog went for me today:

1. pulled it up, read through most of the post.

2. clicked on "pictures" like a moron.

3. looked at the mass of whatever-the-hell-that-is in disgust.

4. looked down at my cottage cheese I was eating.

5. placed the lid back on the cottage cheese, made a mad dash for the bathroom.

Did I not mention that I have a very weak gag reflex? Silly me...

Blogger Beeb said...

um. i was eating my lunch. k. i'm done now.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

How do you get vomit out of a keyboard?

Blogger Krystle said...

Gallbladder. Had gallstones...and Naw, I didn't get to keep it, although I asked. Thought maybe a little necklace of stones that had once been in my guts would be kinda cool...you know...like pearls. I figure, if my body went through enough trouble to make them, and to make me feel like I was dying, why not keep 'em, right? Right?!

Okay, so it's back to the toilet...

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

ew. that was so freaking gross.

Blogger Tel said...

Um, excuse me - I just ate breakfast. That has got to be the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Ughhhhh...

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