January 26, 2006
i have all the answers

i fear this post may be inordinately long. sorry. i have tried my best to make it easy to follow and visually pleasing, but a girl can only do so much. questioners are linked in red, questions in italics, answers are indented. and regularly demented. now read, bitches. mwa hahahaha! (spinning girl, feel free to print and annotate the margins.)

sassy said: I would like to know what the most expensive thing you've ever shoplifted is. Mr. Sassy and I were both kleptos when we were teenagers, so this is a topic of much interest to me.
i answered this in comments, but i don’t think everyone saw it. so here goes. i used to steal department store makeup. and also makeup from this store called garden botanika. they had no security and really neat eyeshadows. sometimes clothes. there used to be a lot of places that had no theft policy so you could just go in, put on a bunch of stuff under your sweatshirt and leave. i once stole shoes by wearing them inside my boyfriend's boots. and one time i got out of a store with about $400 worth of cds because what moron puts the cds in the aisle next to the industrial scissors that cut right through packaging, which is in turn next to the aisle with the trashcans? clearly they wanted me to do it.
Also, would you be interested in getting married by the young hot Elvis, or the old, fat, highly bedazzeled Elvis?
i think middle elvis- like a little paunchy, somewhat bedazzled. definitely a tiny cape.

valancy jane said: Miss Kendra, what should I do with my life?
run a petting zoo and spend your weekends reenacting civil wars. not just ours—all of them. become a mystical voodoo shaman. learn to make your own toothpaste. or you know, whatever you want.

jiggs said: 1. What did you get your masters in?
i got my m.a. in creative writing. my thesis was one part academic (the problem of perfection in confessional poetry, referencing anne sexton and sylvia plath), one part memoir, and one part poetry. (you can read one of my poems here) it was 125 pages. i am very proud of the work i did and very ashamed that i haven’t done much writing since. i wonder if maybe i burnt myself out a little and it will come back or if i have lied to myself and i am not a real writer? i love what i write here, but it’s different.
2. Could you enumerate your 8 piercings?
i wear five in my ears, one in my septum and i have both my nipples pierced. titanium barbells. no i will not post pictures.
3. What size are your immense succulent brains?
my brains are enormous. i had to have both my craniums custom made. my boobs on the other hand (and by on the other i mean in some guy’s) are a 36D.

monkey said: these mentions in the newspaper? Were they positive mentions or... the other kind?
mostly positive. i won a d.a.r.e. contest once. i was in the paper quite often as a child because i was supersmart and precocious and obsessive about every activity i took part in, i.e: dance, voice, gymnastics, plays, piano lessons, and girl scouts. for a brief and horrible period of time my family was an ongoing news story (more on this in autumn’s question) where i was never mentioned by name (i was a minor), but it was painfully obvious anyway.
and another time, after that, when my birthmother wrote a letter to the editor detailing how cruel i was and how much she wanted to love me but that i wouldn’t let her because i was a wicked wicked beast. that one had my picture. insert
joke to lighten mood –here--.

anonymous coworker asked: If we ever had the opportunity to meet would you be willing to: 1) Hang out?
of course. unless you mean naked. because then i would have to think about it first. okay. yes.
2) Make out?
only if you had no acwf and i had no Boy. or in the interest of science. i would do just about anything for that science.
3) Rob a bank?
what kind of bank? because a sperm bank would totally be for science.

armaedes said: if you could kill any one person, alive or dead (ha-ha), who would it be?
i’m over that whole killing people thing these days, so i would definitely pick someone dead. then i wouldn’t be responsible. hitler maybe? he’s not very nice. so him or julia child. just kidding. or am i?

autumn asked: man to prison???
to which i say do you mean which man would i like to imprison, or who did i send there? well, to be perfectly honest it depends on what kind of prison it is. if we’re talking prison for bad people who need to be taught a good lesson i’d have to go with pretty much anyone in a position of power. people just need reminders every once in a while. if you mean a labor prison for to build me shoes, i would go with manolo, jimmy choo, hollywould, the guy from prada and the old navy flipflops man. if it’s a sex prison, i’ll just tell Boy to wave at you from his cage.
as for the man i sent to prison… this is a long and very complicated story, but basically, my birth mother married someone who had a problem with children. i tolerated his abuse for about 8 years before i said anything. later i found out his other children had also been abused but had never said anything; the only reason i said what i did was because i was afraid for my sister. i wasn’t afraid for me- i just knew that i could handle the abuse better than my family could handle my revelation. when i finally did tell, he went to prison, but not before my birth mother left me, used my college fund to defend her husband and disallowed my sister from talking to me. i’m pretty sure he’s eligible for parole this year.

babyjewels said: Question: You've gone to hell. You must now hold down your absolute least favorite job, constantly stalk your least favorite blog and watch your least favorite tv show for eternity. All while wearing your least favorite outfit. What are they? And do you give the Dark One sexual favors if he occassionally lets you change the channel?
least favorite job i’ve had?? that would be high-end commission based retail. i would be selling european lingerie and “sexual aids” (read: glass dildos filled with 24k gold flecks) to botoxed-collagen-lipped bitches and working for a tiny asian woman with purple hair and no soul. i would be reading many blogs, most of which would be based in the bible belt and would have no valuable words on their pages. they would respond to my comments by saying: “ur so kewl! ur a qt!” the tv would show only sports (but never ufc, boxing, any x games, or the cool lumberjack tournaments), the oc, and assorted blurbs featuring reality tv stars and paris hilton. i would be wearing something uncomfortable and slutty, made from synthetic fibers, causing me to breakout in unpleasant places. my only coverup would be a sweater, 100% wool, that would make me want to peel my skin off because oh god the itchiness is unbearable. i would not give the dark one favors, as i am a one dark one woman and Boy got there first, but i might let him use me. you can’t fault me for this. you saw what hell i’d be living.

brooke asked: Could somebody please bring me a bucket?
on it. oooh decorative.

krystle said: If you were a pickle who (other than Boy) would you want to eat you?
definitely someone who loves pickles. i don’t want to go out underappreciated. and just for the record, i would be a kosher dill.

sassy reprised: Would giving the Dark One sexual favors actually be considered punishment? Or perhaps a reward for being a good bad little minion?
definitely punishment. unless the dark one looks like clive owen.

jiggs returned with:Question one: Why should I ask questions when you didn't answer my questions on the last post?
because i could add you to my list of labor-jail shoe makers.
Question two: Why am I annoyed that you didn't answer my questions?
because you love me.
Question three: Am I so starved for attention from the fairer sex that I get pissy when you don't answer my questions?
yes. no worries.
Question four: How did my life become this pathetic?
methamphetamine and dragons.
Question five: Is there an end in sight or will it be a general sense of malaise for the rest of my existence?
both. give up and make me shoes.
Question six: Is my life some sort of practical joke that God is playing on me?
no. he/she is far too busy messing with me.
Question seven: Am I conceited/self-absorbed enough to think that God would go through the trouble of playing a practical joke on me?
yes, but every one is. except me, because it is scientifically proven fact that nine out of ten deities hates me and wishes me endless hellfire suffering.
Question eight: Is there a question eight?
yes but it’s stupid.
Question nine (part one): Is this kind of behavior what people would brand as creepy?
what people? i don’t find it that odd, but here i am answering all the questions. i might not be the most objective on this one.
Question nine (part two): Should it bother me that I'm not bothered by people thinking I'm creepy?
no. people think i’m weird. they have no idea.
Question ten: Why am I suggesting these questions to you, when they are really questions for myself?
because you love me.

jenL said: 1. What is on your knitting needles these days?
i haven’t been able to knit since the car accident, which incidentally is making me insane, but the projects i was working on are thusly: the lil devil pants from snb nation (little cotton toddler pants with a devil tail), baby monster booties with claws and a matching monster hat with horns, and a fluffy boucle baby blanket with a hood. i make lots of stuff for babies. the projects i have lined up in my head are too numerous to list.
2. Since I don't want to be a lawyer anymore, any suggestions for my next line of work?
garbage woman. they get paid really well and you’re used to that kind of thing.

calzone asked:Why do my balls itch so much? I mean I know that you know the answer, I just want to fucking hear you say it.
because you keep letting all those apostles take advantage of you. and also popo gave you crabs. zing

ubermilf asked: First, how big was the slab of meat??? That's an awful lot of fat.
it was the trimmings from 2.37 pounds of beef..
I've always wondered, what were the boys watching in 5th grade when they were showing us girls the movie about menstruation?
bob villa videos. dammit they’re lucky.
Why won't my husband throw things like wrappers and such in the garbage? He leaves them on the counter.
because someone has always picked up after him. Boy does it too. the real problem is that you can’t stop picking it up because it would drive you crazy, and that’s just not fair. not fair!
What the hell does "What Color Is Your Parachute" mean? I know it's a book. Why did he name it that? What is it supposed to signify?
it’s just some stupid words he put together to seem profound. at least he didn’t name it “who moved my cheese.”

monkey said some more: Dear Miss Kendra: Why is my fur falling out?
according to my “yes, you are probably dying” wheel, you have alopecia and possibly anorexia. go have some bananas.
Will I still be able to blog if I am naked?
it doesn’t stop me. or jiggs casey.
And like Jiggs... is the Universe playing cruel jokes on me?
the universe loves you monkey. loves loves loves. and i know this because i am at its center.
P.S. Will you still love me when I am a bald monkey?
of course! my armpit is ready whenever you are.
Would you shave your cat if it amused you?
probably not this one, but i read somewhere that siamese cats have the coloring they do because of temperature differences, so if you shaved one and applied ice to it regularly, its fur would grow in darker, and then if you applied heat it would grow in lighter. i had to be forcefully convinced not to try this. i still might. for science.

jiggs said: I love making an ass out of myself. Why is that?
because you love me.

egan said: Can a spotted owl kill a Republican?
again, this seems like a good time to proceed with testing in the name of science.

monkey said: If so, should we have Republicans stuffed or should they be taken out with the trash? (with all due apologies to my Republican friends and family)
trash. unless they go with the décor, then by all means, stuffed.

me asked: 1) why do hot dogs come in packages of twelve... and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?
i’m not sure, but i think it’s because of al queda.
2) how can i get all of my work done without actually doing it and without giving someone else money to do it for me?
slavery. Or gnomes.
3) how do i get my cat to stop annoying me to near fatalistic violence when i'm trying to sleep? p.s. you should model your fat into a miniature cow and put it in a window or on your desk at work for all to see and enjoy.
i have no clue but if you figure it out, please tell me. and eeewww. no.

anonymous coworker said: How do you get vomit out of a keyboard?
that one’s definitely gnomes.

beeb said:one question: do you still smell like onions?
no.

melliferous pants said:What is the most embarrassing CD that you own and love?
own? i own a tim mcgraw cd. that song “indian outlaw” cracks me up. love? monster ballads?

thérèse said:Question. When you ultimately take over the world, what will be your first order of business? And also, please mention what shoes you will be wearing when you give your graceful acceptance speech.
well, i’ll probably have to pee. and since i’ll be filthy rich, i will finally buy these. i think they will give people a good idea of what they can expect from me.

babyjewels said:Tell us about your tattoos and what they mean to you
here’s where things get tricky. i was totally going to take pictures of them for you, but Boy had to go and get hit by a car which totally ruined my evening. seriously. exactly one month after my accident, he gets in one, on his motorcycle, on the freeway. so i’m gonna postpone this question till next week, when i can answer it fully. he seems relatively ok, though the bike does not. so now we’re both messed up and transportation-less.

fatwonkkid said:So are you going to the doctor for your sliced up finger?
nope, i went for my injuries from the car accident. i have aggravated tendonitis and it’s not getting much better. i am not sure what the next step is, but he gave me a cortisone shot and some more anti-inflammatories and another appointment.

common wombat said:1) Your breakfast today consists of one apple, a glass of soy-milk, and a bowl of granola with chunks of a person you see on a regular basis. Who is this person you're eating, and why?
this is clearly hogwash, because whilst you remembered my inability to consume the milk of the cow, you mistakenly gave me soy milk.(!) which could never ever happen. rice milk is the one for me, rendering this whole situation null and void..
2) Complete this sentence: "The upside to beastiality is __________."
it distracts from all the necrophilia.
3) If you did, in fact, get your arm cut off by the doctor, and it was replaced with a cybernetic robot appendage, and that appendage had, instead of a hand, a blender... What would you choose to blend first with your shiny new robo-blender-arm?
milkshakes! who wants strawberry?
4) If you were sentenced to die by firing squad (wrongly, of course, for you are infallable and there's also the pleasant cookie smell) and at the last minute they told you that you could pick any living person to die in your place, Who would bite it instead of you?
i like your thinking, mister. paris hilton? And she would leave me her money too.
5) Complete this sentence: "I never knew so many _________ could fit in my _________." Keep it clean!
i did this like mad libs, so “i never knew so many rotisserie chickens could fit in my jheri-curl.”
6a) List your 3 all-time favorite foods.
spaghetti and meatballs, peanut butter, potatoes
6b) Pick one of those 3 foods to never EVER eat again.
potatoes. i hate this question.
7) If there was no Boy, Choose one of the following to be your new love: Sam the Bald Eagle from the Muppets, The cast of The Love Boat, The Pope.
the muppet eagle. when he got annoying i’d just pull the hand out of his ass.
8) If you could re-name your blog, (which I suppose you COULD do... Okay, if you HAD to re-name your blog) what would you name it?
i don’t know. but the tagline would involve genital stimulation.
9) Complete this sentence: Common Wombat is just so full of _______ that it makes me want to ________."
mensch-iness, plotz. seriously.

melissa in london said:List five words you LOVE to use.
nefarious, splendid, beastly, peep, monkey.
What is your earliest HAPPY memory?
this is a hard one. i don’t know. a recent one was laying on my bare mattress on laundry day with Boy and pickles on one side of me and Julius boon on the other. the light was 24karats and everyone looked so beautiful. there was nothing but that to do.
How many pairs of fabulous shoes do you own?
many. many many. but not enough.



51 Comments:

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Brilliant.

It's all brilliant, but your answer to my sventh question (Sam the Bald Eagle) made me snort.

If you ever figure out how to bottle yourself, send me a case, will you?

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Sventh? Obviously I meant to say "seventh," but I like "sventh" so much I'm officially coining it as a new word. Now... What does it MEAN?

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Your answer to Wombat's 2nd question made me laugh. And I'm sorry to hear about Boy. Hope you'll all be okay!!! (Now stop all this accident nonsense, okay?)

Blogger jiggs said...

Regarding the answers to my first set of questions: Your existence depresses me.

Regarding the answers to my second set of questions: It's nice to finally know that all my problems stem from you.

Yay for displacement!

Blogger Libby said...

Tell Boy to stop getting hurt.

And stop driving and never leave the house. That would fix the hurting problem. Unless, of course, you had an earthquake or something.

I have to go now, MHP punched somebody again at school.

Blogger Danny said...

that was amazing. I love monster ballads, although I technically don't own in on compact disc. I have the cassette. Fuck yeah.

Also, wonderful poem, really, you should write more.

And finally, why didn't I join in on this?

Blogger miss kendra said...

wombat: i'm not sure, but it might mean "pertaining to sven, or other fjordian types." and as for the bottling... i'm flattered. you're a mensch. if i ever meet you, there's gonna be a big awkward moment when i jump on you for a hug.

melissa: seriously! what's wrong with us!

jiggs: you can blame if you want, but that won't make the love go away.

libby: i'm never getting out of bed again. tell the kid to stop it. you have a coxycyxycyxcyxcyxcx to worry about.

danny: i don't know. you didn't follow directions properly i guess.

Blogger jiggs said...

I should probably clarify that my "your existence depresses me" comment was intended to be a compliment. I would prefer to leave the thought process behind it being a compliment unexplored.

I hate feelings.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

[I'm hoping this isn't a double post b/c Blogger hates me today.]

You and Boy - had a tough month. Racking up the positive karma points b/c you don't deserve this sheeet.

Your answers - have to echo CW [said in a clipped Brit accent, trilling the "rrr" way too long] - BRILLIANT. Well worth the wait.

Oh, and I shave my cat 2x/yr. Just for shits and giggles. He hates it.

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: i know baby. i know.

monkeygurrl: thank you. you should give him a lion haircut.

and don't worry- blogger hates us all.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I think I'm going to die if I don't get Monster Ballads. Whenever I see that commercial I ache.

Blogger miss kendra said...

pants: don't die! i love that cd. everyone makes fun of me for having it but they know they love it too.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

I'm very huggable. It's true.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

dagnabit. too late for questions! i am quite sad. *sob* but comments! i'm still on the comment train! so i can go on a bit about how much i like you miss, k. for seriously, you are the best. i like you more every time i read this charming little blog. and it ain't just the gnomes.

p.s. baby knitting rules. it's like real knitting only much much smaller. i must have a pattern for the aforementioned monster booties.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Great Scott Woman!
You should have entitled this "A blog in four parts". I had to finish it when I got home because I ran out of face time at work!

However, considering Lucia and her cashing of my rent check which didn't belong to her, you made my day a much better one.

P.S. ur so kewl! ur a qt!

Blogger miss kendra said...

wombat: i would visit baltimore for you. i think that says alot.

robiewan: comment away. that is exactly why i like baby knitting- i am done with the projecy before it gets too boring.

sassy: there were alot of questions! but wasn't it totally worth it???? btw, lucia is a dirty whore.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm so happy that I am not the only one who blogs naked.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

I never got to ask a question, but I don't want to be a pain in the ass. This isn't in question form:
Think of your favorite high school memory and write it in your blog.

Random thought> Maybe you should be a teacher. I think you would be a good teacher.

Blogger Thérèse said...

miss kendra, I love you, you're fabulous, and I love the witch shoes you chose.

I do. I do, I do.

When I get around to visiting California I will stalk you intensely. For at least two days.

Blogger miss kendra said...

brooke: i knew it. i wasn't going to out you, but i so knew it.

jewels says you don'thave any underwear on under that skirt, and now that i'm down here i can see she's right.

kady's pet: it's probably a lunch or study hall. lunches with jon and sean, study hall bagels. my memories generally revolve around food.

therese: i am ready to be stalked. commence.

Blogger Calzone said...

You call that a zing? That i screw Popo and the apostles? I was gonna get a t-shirt made up saying that

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Wrong wrong wrong! The upside to bestiality is that it leads to MORE necrophilia.

Sheesh.

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

Is it wrong that I skipped down and read mine first?

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Miss Kendra, you are my friend.

Literally.

On MSN.




So log on already.

Blogger me said...

you should skip a pill one day and write through your accident pain... you know??

then you could publish an anthology of your poems and i would totally buy it and keep it on my coffee table for my guests to read while i pour wine. but then they'd like them so much that they'd fight each other trying to steal the book because the poems are so *good*.

seriously.

i will now commence blaming al queda for messing with the hot dog supply.

Blogger Moe said...

Holy crap.

Re: "i got my m.a. in creative writing." - No kidding. You are a hell of a writer.

Re: sending a very infinitely evil (I wish there was a word to describe the epitome of treacherous) man to jail, and surviving - You are my hero, and an amazing person.

I hope Boy is ok, and that you are able to knit soon.

Blogger Disciple Dan said...

I love you

Blogger CommonWombat said...

The Baltimore Convention and Visitor's Association lists Baltimore's two main attractions as 1) our fine aquarium, and 2) my huggability.

Other than that, we got nothin'.

Blogger miss kendra said...

calzone: well i wasn't going to tell about the diapers and the crisco, but ok.

acw: dead animals is just wrong.

armaedes: absolutely not. just as long as you eventually got the whole thing.

vj: i know!

me: thanks! i would love to be a coffee table book for people to fight over. just tell them not to pull my hair.

moe: thank you. Boy claimes he is fine, and also that he is "a man, who doesn't need to see a doctor."

disciple dan: i know. fix your hair.

wombat: so when i come over you'll take me to the aquarium? sounds like a date!

Blogger jiggs said...

I'm back. And I brought my grubby hands.

Blogger Annika said...

Commencing stalking.

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Brooke said you had a big round ass. I'm just following up on that.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I hope you and the boy have been resting yourselves up for some fabulous karma. I've been sending tons of good thoughts your way, did you get 'em?

Blogger Purple said...

This post is of Herculean Proportions. Your industry is impressive.

Monkey was excited to hear that he is dying. And now he's obsessed with anorexia. He's eating 6 cheese danishes and 19 bananas a day.

Blogger Frog said...

Thx for posting your book ;-)
Love it!

Blogger Gorgs said...

I love Bill's ass-follow-ups. Good times.

Also, Tim McGraw rules, yo. I snorted fucking coke off of Faith Hill's ass while he sang Real Good Man. He's down with JC.

Blogger Monkey said...

Good Heavens! The "I'm Dying" wheel is too much entertainment. I'm off my rocker with joy. It turns out I have hundreds of incurable diseases. I am overjoyed! So many hours of fun.

Thank you Miss Kendra! I love you.

Blogger Autumn said...

you're a hoot.

ok, ok, ok already. maybe i'll let my husband move us to california & i'll just let you entertain me & i'll giggle often to get over my depression for leaving all my friends in family.

i said maybe, don't push it.

anyway, way to go on the "man to prison". that was very brave of you :)

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

I mean it...how round is your ass?

Blogger me said...

i *heart* you miss kendra.

you are my dysfunctional idol...
second only to hunter s. thompson... who i am totally and completely smitten with and who i would totally want to have a love child with

your thoughts?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I thought Hunter was dead and shot out of a cannon. It would be weird to have his love child at this point, no?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Man. I didn't realize how friggin long this post was (it was *that* interesting!) until I scrolled down to get to the comments. Sheeeyat. No more drugs for you!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Sheer genius and a joy to read.

Can I hang out in your armpit for just a little while? I'm always the holder, I need to be held.

You are so kewl.

I hate "kewl" and "qt" and "LOL" more than most things.

Gnomes = Yes. Genius.

thanks!

And my printer needs ink, so I read it off the monitor.

Now I feel bad I never wrote a question. Is it too late for me?
xoxoxo (that's OK, right?)

p.s. Love your honesty-as-humor. Love it.

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: thank goodness. i was beginning to worry.

annika: i like stalkers. especially ones with little baby stalkers in progress.

bill: brooke’s knowledge of my ass is great. you’ll have to ask her about it.

pants: i appreciate your kind words and good thoughts. they taste good with wasabi.

purple: purple! i am so excited to see you i almost pooped. the wheel is most useful. i find it comforting to know of which disease i am dying at any given moment in time.

frog: my book is much longer than this. though potentially less interesting.

apostle slim: faith hill let you do that? she told me i had to lick it from between her thighs.

monkey: i love you too. you should visit someday and we can lie in our deathbeds all day long.

autumn: i’m just saying maybe it’s not so bad as some things. moving was scary, but i’ve learned some stuff here. like learning is for dorks. (and thanks, i think it was brave too. brave is not for dorks.)

bill: it’s like the day after a full moon. slightly imperfect, but still glowy white.

me: *heart*! mr. thompson was indeed spectacular in many ways, though i do not think i would carry his child.

monkey gurrl: yes. we are on the same page. sorry about how long that page is.

spinning girl: of course you may! just give me some notice so i can make sure it’s shaved.

you may ask me as many questions as you’d like. please do.

Blogger jiggs said...

I feel like I need to write the lyrics of good ship lollipop.

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: i am on pills! you can't say things like that to me while my brains are all melty.

Blogger jiggs said...

I wasn't trying to confuse you. I'm just confusing write manner.

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

informative

Blogger Lady Baltimore said...

Are you okay? It has been _days and days_ since your last post!

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: right. ok then. shall we hug then?

howdy girl: you sound like spam.

lady b: i'm ok. just searching for something nice to say, so i can stop saying nothing at all.

Blogger jiggs said...

ok. we can hug. pat pat. I'm not good at hugging.

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