January 17, 2006
i didn't see a wedding ring. anyone interested?

several lifetimes from now, when i can finally look back upon my time in l.a. with fondness, or maybe at least with out bile and chunks of organ spewing from my every orifice, i will recall this particular visit to the gas station with uncommon warmth in my heart, for it is a tableau in every detail, a snapshot of the finest this city has to offer.

for reals, yo.

on friday afternoon i stopped to get gas. i spent twenty five dollars to fill a less than ten gallon tank. bitches! of course this particular gas station is of the complete-and-total-rip-off variety, otherwise known as BenDover’s Gas and Cigarettes, what with the 50 cents for a cup of ice on hot days, 75 cent fee to use your atm card, and certain loss of limb for questioning such policies, etcetera, etcetera. but hey, that’s l.a. and i will suffer through that to get gas at a fraction of a cent less.

because that’s how i am. because gas is costly, suckas.

and also because my car was dinging at me, “low fuel! low fuel!” it’s made of popsicle sticks and red jello that can’t stand up to a strong wind but it’s computerized to ring and ding and click and swoosh whenever i push a button or breathe too deeply in its presence. right then, i would have sold Boy into slavery just to make it stop. in other news, i find that this diet of pills and lingering pain seems to be making me short of patience and sort of irritable. this is shocking.

anyway. there i am, in the gas station, patiently waiting in line to pay for gas that i will then pump into my rental paper-bag-on-wheels. it takes several minutes to work the gas cap you know. it cannot be opened by mere mortals. it’s spring loaded. and it has teeth.

so there i am, all innocent-like, when this girl walks in and goes up to the bullet-proof glass partition to shout at the man inside that she needs to use the bathroom.

she looks like this:

although had she combed the dead bugs from her hair
and been somewhat less tom cruise/courtney love-level crazy
she would have been totally cute. any takers?
don't answer until you finish the story.
really.


he points her in the general direction and goes back to helping the customers who are waiting, but she looks at him with fireballs shooting from her eyes and shouts again, “can i get a token?”

to which he replies, “no, this is a pay bathroom.” because yes, this is a pay bathroom. a gas station pay bathroom into which she was going to walk WITH NO SHOES. she might as well just marry a federline.

instead she flails all epileptic-like for a minute, her life jacket making big-thigh swooshie sounds, and then she screams, “are you kidding me? i have to pay to use the fucking bathroom even though i’m buying fucking gas?” which, unrelated, is even more expensive than premium unleaded because, hello, it’s fucking. you can’t even get it in the middle east. i think it’s the kind of gas they’re finding in alaska.

and then the gas station man says yes and continues ringing up the thirteen jabillion scratch tickets that belong to the woman in front of me. here’s where it gets really good.

the girl then presses herself up against the plastic fishbowl cage the man sits in and repeats her earlier rant. except with more fucking, and a neat little end capper. it went like this:

“you mean to tell me i have to fucking pay to use the fucking bathroom? i can’t fucking get a fucking token even though i’m buying fucking gas? that’s so fucking jewish!


and still, no shoes.

then she stormed out, clearly besting the attendant with her display of pure class, pumped her three dollars worth, got in her beat-down 93 hyundai and sped off into the cheeto-colored sunset.



40 Comments:

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I am of the opinion that anyone stupid enough to go into a public bathroom barefoot SHOULD be allowed to do so for free...because maybe they'll catch something and die and the world will be rid of them for ever.

It's just tragic that this wasn't the case with Mrs. Federline.

P.S. I'm happy to hear that the crazy lady didn't throw her dreamcatcher at you. Imagine where THAT thing has been.

Blogger xt said...

Eeew.

And if I'm not mistaken, pay bathrooms are illegal in CA.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I really had to go, oh-KAYYY?!?!?!?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm horrified.

Blogger Libby said...

I had to use a token for the bathroom in San Francisco...I thought the lady was kidding when she told me that.

And have you seen the latest pictures of fugly Britney barefoot in the public bathroom again? I think she's trying to either catch something fatal, or cheat death.

Blogger jayfish said...

i swear i used to work with her...

Blogger HizzleThizzle said...

I just wanted a fuckin token dammit!

Blogger Egan said...

This story was about you right? You were the barefoot person... I knew it. I really enjoyed you throwing in the diet pills bit.

Blogger Calzone said...

She was my dream girl until the Jewish slur. I don't roll with that

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Clearly the young woman was mistaken. The behavior of the gas station attendant was so fucking Buddhist. I don't know how she could have made that mistake.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

How dare you post my picture without consulting me first! Geeez. AND, to add insult to injury, you misquote me. I said, "That's so f*ckin SWOOOOSH!"

Just messing with his pea brain, y'know?!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm speechless. And that doesn't happen often to me.

Blogger Egan said...

Hey, I can't stop thinking about you and that picture. Damn best keep my trap shut. I sort of want you take down the picture, but I don't. It's a great work diversion.

Blogger miss kendra said...

sassy: dream catchers are scary. with the beads and the feathers and the white people trying to be new agey... shudder.

xt: really? you can't make us pay to pee? pee is free!

spinning girl: no, no. i cannot accept that this was you. you know better. you would have dropped a few more f-bombs and then flashed us all.

pants: mmmm hmmmm. what if she had said, "that's so mormon!" actually that sounds kind of funny. am i bad now?

libby: britney's feet are the only known cure for the syph.

jayfish: i'm sorry. did you fire her? please say yes.

hizzle: token shmoken. you love dream catchers.

egan: are you calling me fat?

calzone: i know. just because you're an ass raper doesn't mean you don't like jews.

acw: truly. he was zenlike. i think he levitated the slim jims on my way out.

monkeygurrl: swooooosh? please. and you're way cuter than that. and you definately have six toes.

brooke: i have superhuman powers!

egan: i'm a hot piece. but the people here don't know anything about that. it's our little secret.

Blogger jiggs said...

Once I got lost in a woman's crazy hair. That's where I met my bluebird sidekick. He my best friend. That's why I call him, "True Bluebird".

Blogger Lady Baltimore said...

You write the BEST blog in the internet.

And - What IS that thing that Calzone is eating?

Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Wait, Britney Spears is driving a '93 Hyundai? I'm confused. Isn't she ... rich?

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Let us take just a minute to recognize the tru moment of genius in this blog entry: the phrase "eyeballs akimbo."

I'm giving you a golf clap. Well played, madam... Well played.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

"Tru?" What the fuck is "tru?" I hate words.

Blogger Egan said...

Hells no, I'm not calling you fat. You know, just being my usual annoying self. Yes, I will keep that our little secret.

Blogger miss kendra said...

jiggs: i call him julio. that's what he likes.

lady baltimore: that's monkey, his roommate. and thank you.

snay: not after k-fed. he spends money like a stripper. a butterfaced mullet rocking stripper.

wombat: *bow* i feel like someone just set me on fire. must have been those pesky words. violating their parole.

egan: annoying? never. misunderstood by americans everywhere? possibly.

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

lol love the pic. I am a little taken back to hear that there is such a thing as pay-bathrooms

Blogger Thérèse said...

I am simply floored that more than one person would go out of the house without shoes in North America today.

No pun intended.

But really. Double u tee eff, man. Also, ewwww.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Your artist's rendering of her was HILARIOUS!

Haven't you heard? That's Britney's long-lost-hidden-away-hillbilly-sister, Jilly Jo Bobbie Sue-Ann. She's KFed's mistress...

And WHAT, pray tell was peeking through this female's pants at knee level? Scary!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I would have laughed my ass off if she'd said, "that's so mormon!" because that is fucking hilarious.

Blogger Trix said...

"or maybe at least with out bile and chunks of organ spewing from my every orifice"...

That's exactly the way I feel every time I've been to LA. Come to Chicago. We have crazy people here, but at least you won't have to pay to use a gas station bathroom.

Blogger Grend31 said...

You see, it's morons like this that make me want to write a bill and have it passed in Congress which states that all the mentally sound childless couples must begin breeding immediately so that the future holds some promise for our species. Fortunately I'll be exempt from that. And yes, I'm childless.

Blogger babyjewels said...

I just love you. That's all.

Blogger Krystle said...

LOL That story was thoroughly enjoyable. I got a nice little belly giggle outta that. I must say you may be the next Picasso...

Blogger Egan said...

Why are you limiting it to just Americans? I'm proud of my work in Canada, Australia, France, Spain, and Germany. Did I say Germany? Oops!

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

That picture is quite entertaining. My wallpaper thanks you.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

I don't think I can deal with this... I'm about to interrupt an entire class o' students taking a diagnostic test because I want to laugh so hard. One of three things will happen. I will pee myself. I will snort and then pee myself. I might get through this unscathed and remain composed.
Maybe I shouldn't read this when others are present.

I'm so turned on right now, I'm turning red and shit.

Blogger miss kendra said...

howdy girl: they try to get you to pay for everything here. until you’re rich and then you don’t pay for anything anymore.

therese: i see your ewwww and raise you a *gagging sound*

melissa: jilly-jo is hot stuff. i don’t know what was coming out of her pants, but if it was alive, i hope it escaped unharmed.

pants: and that’s because i am awesome.

trix: now if only we could do something about that pesky snow. i have lost my hard candy coating and am no longer impervious to winter cold.

grend: i don’t know many mentally sound people.

jewels: i love you too. meet me out back in ten minutes.

krystle: i am picasso’s love child. with mary tyler moore.

egan: you’re competing with the hoff in that market. good luck.

armaedes: you’re welcome? do i get royalties?

kady’s pet: i am mortified that you are at work and yet not working. for shame! how dare you squander their time?!?!?!?!

boot: you sound familiar.

Blogger Egan said...

shit, I feel like a moron... hoff?

Blogger Grend31 said...

Come to think of it, neither do I Miss Kendra. When I think about the future of our species why does this warm feeling of despair wash over me like so much pigsblood over a telekinetic high school girl?

Blogger miss kendra said...

egan: don't hassel the hoff?

mitch buchanan?

le pere du hobie?

i have no words.

grend: that's just the blood, like you said. i wouldn't worry about it.

Blogger Egan said...

Yikes, I better do an internet search for "hoff".

Blogger ladylinoleum said...

Kendra, this stuff needs to be in a book. Get started girl...

Blogger Kristine said...

And that, my friends, is called 'irony'.

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