January 23, 2006
i am an onion, please don't cry

i am consumed with car purchasing issues. i have no brain left. thus, this delicious meme came by way of spinning girl. please know there is a photogrpahic essay at the end of this post.

after you have read it, i will open comments for questions. you may ask me anything, but i cannot assure you a completely unexaggerated answer. of course, i cannot assure you that it won't be the truth either.

commence peeling.

layer one
name: miss kendra
birthdate: september 29, 1980
birthplace: beverly, ma
current location: los angeles
eye color: blue-green-grey
hair color: superior preference 3, soft black
righty or lefty: righty
sun sign: libra
innie or outtie: very innie. i once smuggled drugs in it. true story.

layer two
heritage: my birth mother is a russian jew and my birth father is a cute little puppy dog. that’s why i am so irresistible. actually, i’m pretty sure he’s irish catholic. my mom used to say they got married to piss off their families and had me to piss off one another. i am truly the product of love.
shoes you wore today: four inch bettie heels. black.
your hair: in need of cutting. graduated bob.
your weakness: carbohydrates. diet coke. the extra bones in my feet.
fears: dogs falling from overpasses, things with more than four legs, never being able to knit again, dying alone and being eaten by my cat
your perfect pizza: pepperoni, or mushroom/green pepper, or meatball and sausage. if only i could have one more day with cheese.
one thing you'd like to achieve: simultaneous multiple orgasm.

layer three
your most overused phrase: clearly!/i know/i can be such an apple whore
your first waking thoughts: i hope the dog hasn’t peed yet
the first features you notice in the opposite sex: eyes, swagger
your best physical feature: eyes, smile, immense succulent brains
your bedtime: 10:00 – 1:00 (sliding scale)
your greatest fear: being unloved and unimportant and forgotten
your greatest accomplishment: standing up for myself and putting a bad man in prison, even though he might get paroled soon (dammit!)
your most missed memory: riding around aimlessly in friends’ cars on summer nights with no curfew and no rules and no shoes

layer four
pepsi or coke:diet coke
single or group dates: who goes on group dates? are we ten?
adidas or nike: chuck taylor or vans
lipton iced tea or nestea: chai tea
chocolate or vanilla: vanilla, but i can’t eat icecream so this is a weird one for me
cappuccino or coffee: coffee only because it has no milk. but coffee speeds up my faerie system.

layer five
smoke: used to. sometimes i miss it. i quit most recently when i met Boy- i still keep the pack i had when we met. it’s probably pretty gross now, but if we break up, you better believe i will smoke it.
cuss: holy shit, do i!
sing: whenever possible. though i have not done karaoke since moving here, which saddens me in ways i cannot ever explain.
take a shower everyday: yes
have a crush: julius boon. see below.
been in love: i sure hope so
went to college: i am a bachelor of science and a master of arts!
liked high school: not at the time, but i would go back for a week if I could. i would shave my head and pierce my face (again and more) and make out with anybody i wanted to.
want to get married: someday
believe in yourself: occasionally.
type with your fingers on the right keys: somewhat. my left pinkie gets ignored a lot.
think you're attractive: sometimes. moving to los angeles has not really been kind to me in that way.
think you're a health freak: are you kidding? i drink diet coke with my breakfast.
get along with your parents: the adoptive ones.
play an instrument: piano, some guitar, some saxophone, vocal cords

layer six
in the past month, did you...
drink alcohol: yes
smoke: i just cleared that one. i smoked in vegas. so no.
do a drug: i’m on drugs right now!
make Out: yes
go on a date: yes
eat an entire box of Oreos: only in my dreams.
eat sushi: yes
been on stage: no
been dumped: no
gone skating: no
made homemade cookies: yes
fall in love: every day. *sigh* ::vomit::
go skinny dipping: no
dyed your hair: yes
stolen anything: splenda packets and a chamomile tea bag?

layer seven
have you ever...
played a game that required removal of clothing:
i only strip for money.
if so, was it mixed company: i’m gonna say yes.
been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
been caught doing something: by something you mean what exactly? i’ve been caught doing many things.
been called a tease: yes
gotten beaten up: yes
shoplifted: yes
if so, did you get caught: once. but nothing happened.
changed who you were to fit in: you can’t hide this kind of weird.

layer eight
age you hope to be married: i don’t know, but i desire to have 50th anniversary.
numbers and names of children: i can’t tell you. they are so immensely clever i know you will steal them, and i don’t want to put you in that situation.
describe your dream wedding: elvis!
how do you want to die: i don’t. nothing too painful i guess. but dramatic might be nice.
what do you want to be when you grow up: happy
what countr(ies) would you most like to visit: japan, thailand, australia, ireland, morocco

layer nine
number of men i have kissed: only one. but many many silly boys.
number of boyfriends you've had: what constitutes a boyfriend?
number of drugs taken illegally: at once? a lot.
number of people i could trust with my life: 3
number of CDs that i own: i tried to count but it hurt. we’ll go with atleast 400.
number of piercings: i’ve had 22. i wear 8.
number of tattoos: that depends. i have one really ginormous one in progress, and several smaller ones. maybe 11?
number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: a few
number of scars on my body: many. this is a project i will leave to the mortician.
number of things in my past that i regret: regret to the point of considering changing history? just one.

now enjoy the pictures. the cuteness is so immense it might crush you.

his paris pose

blair witch! bats in the cave!

objects on this bed are bigger than they appear

i dream of greenies

hi! i'm pickles. let's be friends.
do you like to pee? i like to pee. let's pee.

full frontal

the morning after

woke up next to a man named julius boon

blurry is beautiful

don't look at me!

cute

cuter

cutest



don't forget--- you can ask me anything!



31 Comments:

Blogger Allena said...

your animals are super cute!

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

I have fallen in love with your boys.
And I just got the "ah ah ah" in your comments line and laughed out loud making my boss to inquire what was so funny.

Blogger babyjewels said...

All this awesome kendra info and cat porn. oh my.

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Yeah...real funny. Heretic

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I would like to know what the most expensive thing you've ever shoplifted is. Mr. Sassy and I were both kleptos when we were teenagers, so this is a topic of much interest to me.
Also, would you be interested in getting married by the young hot Elvis, or the old, fat, highly bedazzeled Elvis?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

What questions could I possibly have after reading that entire mememememem?!?!? Dang, but that's extensive!

Pickles, Pickles, Pickles. Boon is cute, but I love me some Pickles!!!!

Blogger jiggs said...

There's a part of me that wants to die via guillotine. I heard that your head stays alive for a few seconds after it gets cut off. I'm curious about what I would think after being beheaded, but I bet it would be something like "HOLY SHIT I JUST GOT MY HEAD CUT OFF! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!"

Blogger Libby said...

Me and my poor cracked coxxyx are weeping with joy at the cuteness.

That, and we wanted to tell you that, if you go to a car dealer, please do not allow them to talk to you whilst you are bent over a chair.

It is not enjoyable.

Coxxyx says hello. And I like that word. And I really like the painkillers that they gave me, and you'll have to forgive me if I'm retarded today.

Blogger miss kendra said...

allena: thank you! if they get any cuter, i might have to try harder not to eat them.

laurie ann: two! two cute animals, ah ah ah! now if only they would get close enough to one another for me to get one picture of them both!

jewels: i was going to market it as cat porn, what with that full monty shot. julius boon is a big slut.

bill the apostle: i don't even know what you're talking about, but i'm pretty sure you wax your chest and its glare is distracting me.

sassy: that is a tough call. i used to steal department store makeup. and clothes. i once got out with about $400 worth of cds. and i once stole shoes by wearing them inside my boyfriend's boots. and i think middle elvis- like a little paunchy, somewhat bedazzled. because young elvis would be tempting and old elvis would be disturbing.

monkeygurrl: i will relay your passion.

jiggs: if you're ever on death row i will totally use this to get them to chop your head off. we need to work out a series of blinking signals so you can communicate, though.

in the name of science.

libby: poor coccysysxyxycyxysxcx. i'm glad the cuteness could dull your pain. please feel free to view them repeatedly- i do not think they lose their effectiveness.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Miss Kendra, what should I do with my life?

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Oh, and if you want cat porn ..........

http://images.google.com/images?q=cat+porn&hl=xx-elmer

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Btw, I find it *ever* so amusing you have your masters and are temping, whilst I have my masters and have been a friggin legal secretary for EVER.

Eh. It pays the bills.

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

I'm just talking about the fact that you are obviously some sort of witch.

Blogger Racheal said...

You can't eat ice cream? I am truely sorry...

I think I fell in love with Julius Boon, too. Move out of the way, Socks Mulder.

Blogger jiggs said...

I was thinking one day that maybe I could be lucky enough to be one of your silly boys.

I have questions:

1. What did you get your masters in?

2. Could you enumerate your 8 piercings?

3. What size are your immense succulent brains?

For your reference:

I have 401 CDs. In your face!

I'm freaked out by the idea of tattooing/piercing myself.

My brains are a D cup.

Blogger Monkey said...

Jiggs has luscious, bountiful, bouncing brains.

Miss Kendra... these mentions in the newspaper? Were they positve mentions or... the other kind? I've had both. It's so thrilling. I always feel like Steve Martin in the jerk.

Your boys are gorgeous and shameless. At least the feline is shameless. Good Lord.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

If we ever had the opportunity to meet would you be willing to:

1) Hang out?

2) Make out?

3) Rob a bank?

Blogger miss kendra said...

vj: i love cat porn. i am a sick sick person.

bill: well i never denied that. what tipped you off?

racheal: i can't eat any dairy. so no pudding or anything either. boon sends neck licks your way. (he likes to lick my neck. you wanna fight about it?)

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

Wow . . . that's a lot of information. Here's my question, though: if you could kill any one person, alive or dead (ha-ha), who would it be?

Blogger Autumn said...

man to prison???
hmm..
let's hear that one!

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Good list of places you want to go. Ireland is beautiful!

Boon is adorable...

I second Autumn's question.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i don't understand the question.

man to prison?

like who would i keep in a cage?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Dude - **your greatest accomplishment**: standing up for myself and putting a bad man in prison, even though he might get paroled soon (dammit!)

Or was that your evil twin?

Blogger miss kendra said...

no no, that was me.

i stood up for myself.

i did it.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Yay you!

Blogger mk99 said...

Absolutely adorable animals - I love that Pickles!

Blogger jiggs said...

You never answered my questions!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I printed this out & read it in bed last night (I don't like reading long things off the monitor) and after I read it, I held it in my hands all night.

I have such a crush on you now.

Blogger Rrramone said...

I knew you were a Libra!! We can spot each other a mile away.

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

Awwww. So cute. You and your pets.

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

I love that dog. are you on Flickr miss k? If you are add me as a contact, "peppersmom"

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