January 31, 2006
blah blah blah

in all seriousness, i was pretty much going to post this today. i want to be back to me, entertaining and engaging, but the stress of the last several weeks coupled with the usual day-to-day has left me tired and sore, physically and mentally. i think that i should maybe talk to someone, but i don't have the energy or will.

i smile and laugh when distracted, but it leaves me exhausted. i know this is not how i should be feeling and i am further burdened by the fact that i can't seem to shake it. i do not sleep well, and yet all i want to do is sleep.

when i was younger i took pills for some time to help me through my depression. i also saw someone twice a week. i have been so proud of myself for no longer needing them- it's been eight years. but now i wonder if a booster course might be so bad? i just can't seem to deal these days- even now, as i type this in my cube, i am struggling not to cry.

my mind is filled with ridiculous things that will not go- i feel like the world has been saturated, everything and everyone too vivid and loud and overwhelming. each thought transforms itself from harmless into a train of progressively more insane what-ifs, and i can't seem to stop it. sometimes i stand in a store and am suddenly unable to handle it- i freeze up, go silent, wish for everyone to go away. i have to fight the urge to sit down on the floor and put my head between my knees. i have to constantly fight the urge to drive home. i fight the urge to revert to old "cutter" habits, but in the back of my mind i'm cataloging the nearest sharp object, the nearest flame.

i am afraid that everything is going so quickly- i don't have enough time, there's never going to be enough time. there's a very quiet part of me that wishes i could just stop now so i don't have to want more time, so i don't have to worry about it flying by, so i don't have to get attatched to anything else that's just going to be gone.

and here i am about to tell you the most selfish and crazy part- i am terrified that if i don't post, if i am not amusing, if i continue this type of "waaaah waaaah" bullshit i will no longer have the readers whose comments are a high point of my days. i am ashamed to be so blanch dubois, relying heavily on the kindness of strangers.

i want to go home and sleep, but i am afraid of another of this kind of dream:


this tin bucket
with the judas-colored tide

that seeps sweet
and sour
from between my thighs.

i am so full that
i am spilling over.

i do not feel the eggs
as they fall from me
but i see them,
not at all as i imagined
as tiny zygotes,
Xs and Ys.

they look poached—
skimming the surface
like lily pads
birthing white, each with
one jaundiced and
accusing eye.


Blogger Libby said...

Holy shit.

Blogger Libby said...

Oh, and I love you no matter what you do :)

And no, I'm not on painkillers anymore.

Blogger Lulu said...

I don't take pills anyore either.

But, sometimes I go to the website I used to order them from and fill a shopping cart. Just to remember.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

I completely second amandamonkey's comment.

I'm not going to stop reading if you feel sad. It's all part of it--and maybe writing about it helps anyways.

And the poem? WOW. Very WOW.

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

And by some strange twist of fate, the comment that I "seconded" was AFTER mine. Blogger is screwy.

Blogger amandamonkey said...

I read you because you're real. If you were always amusing, I'd probably find you annoying.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Everybody hurts. Feel free to express your pain. We will always be here to read your thoughts and feelings, happy or sad.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I do enjoy it when your blogs are hilarious. You put the "uh" back in funny. It makes my day brighter and makes me thankful that you exist and are sitting somewhere and willingly sharing that amazing insight and wit.
However, in your sadness, you blog about things which I can actually relate to. You post about things that I could not post about because doing so is just too scary. When you post blogs like this, it makes me realize that I'm not alone.

And neither are you.

P.S. If you bring that sweet ass up to Seattle, I'll make you some cookies and tuck you in and assure you that everything is going to be alright. I even promise not to shoot tequila off of your breasts.

Unless you want me to.

Because I would do that...for you.

Blogger Thérèse said...

I love you.

Blogger Thérèse said...

And I'm pretty sure.

Blogger Thérèse said...

That nothing you say.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Can really and truly.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Keep me away.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Or keep me from commenting.

Blogger Thérèse said...

A million times.

Blogger Thérèse said...

On your blog.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miss K, you're always engaging and wonderful and special. You don't have to entertain or make anyone laugh when you yourself don't feel like laughing.

You're not alone. Thank you for opening up and sharing the tough bits, as well as the hilarious bits. It is part of your charm that you are so real and so honest, even about the ugly things.

Drag your sweet ass to NorCal and Tel, JenL and I will all lavish affection and smooches on you.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Hey! I wasn't done! I was just pausing for a bathroom break!

Stupid interruptions.

Anyway. As I was saying.

I love you.

Canadia is nice. Come visit.

Blogger Danny said...

Ok, wow. What a poem. What a post. You described my state right now. Why is it that everyone I know is depressed as fuck right now?

Dearest Kendra
Don't ever quit
I love your writing
and I wouldn't be able to handle it

So I'm linking your sweet ass
And I'm thinking of you
And as far as the commenters
I'm just like you.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Oh like you could possibly get rid of me. Please!

I'm thinking that we need to start our love affair - it may solve all our problems. Ohhhh...there is the issue of the boy....hmmm...we'll figure that out.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

I don't take them anymore, and the past couple months have left me wondering if I need a little boost for a couple months. I like the idea about as much as I like the idea of another MRI.

But you know what struck me?
That simply considering it means you're in a proactive place with reasources at your disposal.
And that's a great place to begin any fight.

So if you take them or not, remind yourself of how much trust, how much credibility you've earned with yourself.
You know you will do what's best for you.

I love my Miss Kendra.

If you need anything, let me know.

Blogger Libby said...

I second Auntie Sassy. We would take turns taking care of you here in rainy..I mean supremely lovely Seattle.


Blogger Krystle said...

Aahhh a poet after my own heart. Missy, there is no doubt about it, you're a funny gal. Witty. Cunning. Hilarious. But that doesn't mean that you don't have your bad days, or weeks, or months.

This just makes you more real to me. And makes me want to read your blog more, and comment more. You're in my Must-check-blog-twice-a-day list...Which you may come to regret cause I can be a torment :)

PS. Wow total mental picture after reading that poem...it was kinda like a Dali...

Blogger Tel said...

Southwest, baby, Southwest. Get your heinie up here and we will have a fabulous girlie weekend! :)

PS - Don't ever feel bad for posting about the sensitive and private stuff. We all go through that and there's nothing better than journaling it.

If you'd ask Dr. Drew, I bet a lot of this stuff stems from your mom's husband and his abuse. (CSMF)

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Baby. Coming from an older perspective, but much the same (although without the creative expression you have) background, I can honestly say I've done without, and I've done with, and I think finding an equilibrium is key. I tried a few that made me worse before I happened on the one that makes me better. And that doesn't mean I don't still have my "black" days/weeks/months. And the searing red anger. I'm not advocating dependency, but I'm also not going to forsake my sanity because of some misplaced pride. You figure out what is right for you, but remember, you've really had some tough things happening the last couple of weeks, and it will get better.

In the meantime, we're all here leaving crazy-arse comments to brighten your day.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

And why have I been checking your blog like, EVERY 15 minutes, and I only find your new posting NOW?!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Oh yeah - because Blogger hates me. Eh. Oh well.

Blogger Brookelina said...

By the way, I've been feeling hopelessly out of wack lately as well. I've been feeling really down about the way things have turned out in my personal life, and it's starting to take its toll on me. I need a vacation from life.

So I'm off to take a bubble bath. It's the next best thing.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

I'll keep reading you no matter what you post. 'Cause I like you.

I have more to say, but I'm gonna email you.

<<<0>>> (that's a hug with pointy elbows!)

Blogger Bonanza JellyBean said...

Do you want to touch my boob? That usually makes people feel better.

But, seriously, I was going through that period myself; hence, why my blog hasn't been so funny lately.

You'll work through it. You are Miss Kendra! You smell like cookies, you know. No one who smells like cookies can be in a funk for too long.

That's it. We are having a fundraiser to get your ass over here for a Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour!!I'm getting on that right now.

Blogger JenL said...

I am sorry you are having a tough time right now. I promise that I will continue to read what you post because it is always real. I thank you for inviting us all into your world and for sharing your thoughts with us.

And XT and Tel are totally right -- you should totally pay us all a visit. It would be oodles of fun. And there will be snacks. Lots of snacks.

Blogger ladylinoleum said...

Girlie, it sucks to feel like this. I know all too well how you are feeling as I've struggled with this most of my life...and I'm a lot older than you. All I can say is that sometimes the meds have been important for me to get through the mire and there are times like now when I've been med-free for a long time. It's a cycle and it will end. I will be at SNB on Thurs. Please be there and we can talk.

Blogger jiggs said...

I would be some kind of a douche if I tried to empathize with what your going through. I don't want to devalue the sincerity of your feelings by pretending that I actually understand. And I think sympathy is bullshit. All I'm good for is making people laugh. So here we go. Stop me if you've heard this one before:

Q: What kind of sandwich does a sandwich maker in the middle of an existential crisis make?

A: Pastrami on why!

That joke is so unfunny that I have to put the Q and A parts on there so that you know what the punchline is.

Once I had a fling with a woman that was a cutter. She was 6 or 7 years older than me and had been cutting for years and years. The skin on her left forearm had stopped healing and had scarred so badly that it basically felt and looked like sandpaper. The fling ended for reasons completely unrelated to her cutting, but I could never understand it. I mean the release and the distraction of it made sense, but I couldn't grasp the self-negation aspect of it. Certainly this is my egotism talking. Also it was clear that I couldn't do anything to change her behavior which made me feel impotent. Did I mention that I'm self-absorbed.

Also I second valency jane and also urge you to touch bonanza jellybean's boob. And take pictures. And send them to me. Also.

I wish I could help. Really.

Blogger Colleen said...

Make the call. I have been there and you have too. Make the call. There is no shame in it.

Blogger jiggs said...

Also I should add:

pancakes for dinner?!? That's madness!

Blogger GrandPooOfAwesome said...

Seems to be going around, this feeling. I've got it too. I'm so. very. tired.

Luckily for me, I've always lacked wit and am only amusing on really good days or out of luck.

But seriously...blogging should be a stress relief and not an added stress. Don't blog when you don't feel like it. Good peeps will stick around. I think lots of bloggers need this reminder.

Blogger jiggs said...

You're a helluva a gal kendra. don't forget that.

Blogger daniel said...

you smell like cookies?!?!?

Blogger Lady Baltimore said...

If it is affecting your functionality, it is time to do something about it.
Anyway, every time I go to the pharmacy I think that in the event of a drug shortage disaster, there would be plenty of messed up drugless people. Not good.

My favorite blog was the one with the picture where you had your eyeball to your leg because you were trying to shave.

Blogger Grend31 said...

Please take care of yourself Miss Kendra.

Do what you must when you must to keep yourself well.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

I'm proud of you for going with your feelings instead of what you think people want. I read your blog because you're my friend, and you are my only reader for the same reason. I just recently came out of the murky crap you're in right now, so I promise...it'll get better.

Anonymous beeb said...

oh pico....

i will email you.


Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Mr. Rogers and I like you just the way you are.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Still here, still reading. Like amandamonkey, I think part of your blog's charm is the reality. And pictures of pickles.

One of the things I've realized through my stalking of various bloggers is how absolutely normal a dark-side is. It's been a breath of fresh air in a sense, since in the real world we so rarely say what we mean to each other. Everything is a-ok! Sure, I can handle everything! Stress? Bring it on! Weaknesses? No such thing!

Take care of yourself...and keep us posted.

Blogger me said...

i like you.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I've been in a very similiar situation. Very happy to be off 'em. Happy to be free from weekly appointments. And then something happens: car accident, bad breakup, the man who stole pieces of me during childhood dies....and BOOM. I'm back there. Back where I don't want to be.

Sometimes I get to feeling so entirely okay I think I'M CURED!. But it's never going to entirely go away. I do my best to enjoy the stable bits and to deal with it when the fit hits the shan. There's no harm in going back for help.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Shitty times go away eventually. I've ridden the waves a few times, baby.

You are not responsible for entertaining me or anyone else. You should be taking it easy on yourself right now. Let us entertain YOU for a while.

Let's see... hmmm... if I think of something, I'll let you know.

Watch the Wizard of Oz or something that soothes you from your childhood.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Um, you're completely stuck with me. You think the p.i. I've got tailing you is enough? No, I still have to come here and pretend to be just another normal reader.


(you look pretty in the shirt, btw)


Blogger Sofi said...

Sorry you're going through this shit right now. I've been fighting drug and alcohol addiction for the past couple of years, so I understand. Most of the time I feel really good, but on the days I don't feel so good, I feel really bad, but it always passes.

What you're feeling will pass. But in the meantime, your blog is a great outlet for these types of emotions.

Best of luck.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I almost called you last nite. I wanted to venture into a "real" yarn store. I lost my nerve at least 5 times before I finally sucked it up, thought "what would Miss K do?!" and boldly walked in.

I know you wouldn't be scared of going into a fahncee yarn store. That's as ridiculous as being scared of going to the WeHo SnB, huh?!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

My new mantra - "WWMKD?"

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I heart you.
Seriously, I heart you.
So much.
I think we all need those light boxes, to deal with winter & the way it makes us feel.
Someone like you thinking that I am fabu makes me feel double fabu.
That'll hold me.
Spring is coming.

Blogger Calzone said...

its going around..i cant even be sweet Calzone much anymore.

I do think you are very special.

It seems that the special ones are always the ones that hurt and shit

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Hope you're getting to feeling better. We miss you, but take your time.

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

Oh, MK. I'm so sorry.

I take antidepressants and will forever. I've tried going off of them and it's never been worth the roller coaster of emotions and desperation I experience as a result. This isn't me saying you should turn to pharmaceuticals. I just want to let you know that I'm here for you, and at the risk of sounding like a cliche, I know how you feel. And I'm here for you if you need an ear, a shoulder, or dirty, dirty hobo porn. It's the least I can do. ;)

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You don't have to entertain us all the time! You tell it how it is and you will still have lots of readers. I wish so much that I could help. Please don't go back to the old ways and if you need help, just go get it. It doesn't make you a weak person, it makes you a strong person for being able to know and ask for help. Take care of yourself!!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

We love you!!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

So. . . are ya going tonite? I have to get home in time for Earl, but I could hang out for a bit...

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

I've got an awesome black-market booster for you, best shit ever. It's called Tylenol. I can score you some.

Blogger Autumn said...

i know most of us really are strangers, but either way we still check in on you from now & then because you make us laugh or we like what you have to say. so, for whatever that's worth we all really hope you feel better soon. i don't think therapy would be an awful idea again either. hang in there.

Blogger riseyp said...

kiskishughughug!! sending love your way, sweets!!

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