December 22, 2005
you might want to consider taking cover

i am, apparently, stressed out.

i know this because i may or may not have pooped approximately 3418756 times in the last three to four days. my stomach feels like a cement mixer. words like coagulate, congeal,and vomit come to mind. tiny somersaulting hate bugs are colonizing my digestive system. there are aliens on earth and they are in my belly right this very moment.

i actually drank a GRAPE flavored gatorade, which is pretty much unheard of. it's like a jew eating a bacon double cheeseburger. it's just not done. let the smiting begin.

i think boon has a cold, as his nose appears to be running (complete with crusty little cat boogers) and he's all sneezie and with the funy breathing. he probably has the bird flu. i always end up with defective pets. he still hasn't eaten that i'm aware of, though i may have intruded upon him exorcising his hate bugs this morning. i was tempted to take a picture. would that have been too much?

i get to leave work early today, and then i don't have to return till january third. i will still be here (on the internets) i think though, as i have not much to do other than knit, work on some other martha-type projects, and you know, poop. it might help me jump start my resolution to lose some pounds.

i'm pretty sure i could poop ten pounds by the new year at this rate.

which brings up an interesting question...

if one were to weigh their poop, would they go directly on the scale, or remove it from the toilet bowl? and if removed from the bowl, would the poops have to be dried so as not to corrupt the numbers with "water weight?"

this is fascinating stuff people. pulitzer prize.



author's note:
i have pooped twice during the writing of this post,
which was begun at 10:52 a.m. pst



32 Comments:

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I think you poop into a bowl and then tare the weight of the bowl.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Wait. Where's my post.

I had some fascinating ideas about weighing poop, involving saran wrap. Gosh darnit.

Blogger me said...

you poo in a plastic bag and then factor in the weight of the plastic bag when you put it on the scale. this way you don't have to have your fingers come into contact with said poo.

or you weigh yourself before and after a poo.

i dunno... maybe?

Blogger Thérèse said...

So what you're saying, really, really saying is that you are... literally... full of shit?

(giggle)


...


Well someone had to do the token fullofshit joke....

(giggles again)

Anonymous Julia said...

Boon probably has an upper respiratory infection. When I adopted my kitty from the shelter, he had a pretty bad one and was all raspy and sneezy and snotty. He would snot all over my couch to the point were I had to cover it with a blanket because it was much easier to wash a snotty blanket than to scrub snotty couch cushions. He'll probably need some medicine for it to get cleared up though.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow-I've been puking out all of my stress. hope the kitty gets better. and the bowels.

ashley

Blogger Tel said...

Poor kitty!

I've always wondered that. How much does poops weigh? Because sometimes there's just so damn much of it. That's why I always try to drop the kids off at the pool before weighing myself.

I'd say you'd have to put it in a bowl first, unless your scale has ounces on it. Otherwise you could weigh yourself before and after.

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Didn't Howard Stern just do something like this? I think he put the poop on the scale first. He would. I'd just weigh myself before the dump and then again after. But that's just me.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Hmmm. I think we may have the same lack of intestinal fortitude. I generally poop every 2nd or 3rd day, but between last nite and this a.m., I pooped four gloppy times. Was not fun, although I also wondered (hoped) if I might lose the holiday weight this way. . .

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

BTW, off work until the 3rd?! I am SO jealous. Fat Cat Law Firm wouldn't ever think of such a thing. Feh.

Blogger Grend31 said...

I cannot believe there have been this many comments and not one thank you yet.

So thank you Miss Kendra. Thank you for making this poo post and not adding any digital pictures.

Blogger Calzone said...

This is so cool. I think about you pooping all the time..I mean ALL the time.

I've been talking to my therapist about how much I think about you pooping.

theres nothing wrong with me.

Blogger Autumn said...

what a coinkydink - i've been having the same issues!

first time visitor - nice site!

happy holidays,

autumn

Blogger Lady Baltimore said...

Good going there, Miss Kendra!
Frequent pooping is now really trendy!

Congrast on the poop!

Blogger Brookelina said...

It's a gift to be a regular pooper. I, too, am quite regular in that respect. Don't ever take for granted your ability to poop like clockwork. If you ever lose it, you will be sorry. Excuse me now. I think we all know where I am headed now.

Blogger Moe said...

As a scientist (I am, too) I would say that you need the oven dried weight equivalent (odw eq. if you will). Now, it will make your kitchen smell like shit (literally) but all in the name for science...

I hope your kitty is ok, it stresses me out to no end when animals are sick. When our dog was going through her chronic diarrhea phase (she's on meds every day now) I pooped a lot too, in sympathy, and stress. Immodium is your friend. I think I have IBS but am too chicken to see an MD or change my habits.

Blogger Moe said...

ps. maybe you can name your gnome "Gnathan" or "Gnathaniel" or "Gnate". "Gnorman?" "Gneil?" "Gnoel?" "Gnolan?" "Gnorman?" "Gnazarene?" "Gnewt?" "Gnancy?"

Somebody stop me, I'm drunk.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

At last, a Kendra post to which I can relate!!!

The correct method for determining the weight of poop is:

1) Poop onto a ceramic plate.

2) Let the plate (and the poop) sit out in a dry room for 3 days.

3) Weigh yourself.

4) Eat the poop. Be sure to get any little crumbly bits that fall off!

5) Weigh yourself again.

The difference between the two weights is your "poop weight." Glad I could help.

Blogger jiggs said...

I got the impression from your post that you were pooping TOO much. But the comments seem to suggest that everyone is happy that you're pooping. Which is it? I must know! If I have a poo problem, it's a too much poo problem. Infrequent pooping is really rare for me.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

true story...the leon lost ten pounds this week through the pooping. he does not recommend this method.

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

sick for the holidays :(((

Blogger Monkey said...

Wombat's comment made me spontaneously poop.

Miss Kendra, I too suffer from emotional pooping. Stress? I poop. Nervous? I poop. Sad? I poop. Angry? I poop.

Basically I have a poop for every occasion. I did have it checked out once. It was horrible. Horrible I tell you! It involved pooping in a bag, separating the poop, putting it into jars and sending it to a lab. I had no bugs. I just have a.... "spastic colon".

Breathe deep, stay away from weird colored gatorjuice and drink gingerale. I LOVE YOU!

Blogger jiggs said...

Monkey's colon is such a spas!

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

I don't know why I find it so funny that your cat might have "bird flu."

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

My stomach has been gurgling and blooping since early yesterday, but I have not pooped 3418756 times. Not even once.

I think I'm with "me" on the how to weigh it--go in a plastic bag. Less messy. And, when you're done weighing it, send it to Wombat. Sounds like that's his bag, baby. (What? I couldn't resist.)

Blogger HizzleThizzle said...

Not only did I come here, but then I decided to stay here through the entire poop conversation. I know more about your poo than my husbands. Which is interesting.

Merry Christmas :)

Blogger Imaginary Maggie said...

Hello Miss K. Apparently poop doesn’t bother me. I guess I’ve had too many such conversations in my lifetime. Maybe I’m the only commenter with kids.

My kitties have had a few colds throughout the years and I have a sure-fire way of helping them: Cod Liver Oil. It’s cheap, it’s easy because they actually like the smell and taste, it being made of fish after all, (don’t get the flavored kind!) and it’s loaded with vitamins that they aren’t getting in their store bought food. For a few bucks it’s worth a try!

And Mo; go find a Naturopath to help you with your IBS. They are way better than MD’s and won’t make you take any yucky expensive prescriptions. They WILL probably ask you to change some bad habits.

Blogger miss kendra said...

as i suspected, i have already begun the vacation pooping, which has left me little time to respond individually to your comments.

but thanks for all your support of my "situation."

i do believe i am as monkey called it, an emotional pooper. sometimes it just takes all the pooping to make me realize i'm emotional.

ps- wombat rules

Blogger Calzone said...

This blog is even better than hothornyteenscraponmyface.com

Blogger fae said...

hey friend of sassy here: I am actually a vet tech and work with cats only. your cat most likely has an upper respiratory infection like it says above. you should only take him in for antibiotics if there is stuff coming out his eyes. then you should keep the fan off and take the cat in the bathroom while you shower. just like when we are sick steam loosens the ick. also get stinky food. IE: friskies, or even baby food. heat it up in the microwave for 5 s4ecs or so. the heat will make the smell come out. feed small (1tblsp) multiple (4-6 times) a day as well. make sure he is drinking lots of water (wet food helps)
if his eyes get icky go to the vet. once there is eye discharge it is no longer a virus but a bacterial infection as well antibiotics will help that part.
dont worry this is very very common. almost every single cat from a shelter or adoption agency has one. it is hard to get rid of and very very contagious.
take care. happy holidays.
say hi to Booone and Pickles.
---

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

As far as the pooping goes....I used to have a roommate who would weigh herself before and after pooping, then come out to declare how many pounds her poop weighed.

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