and i will not smell like either bologna or cheerios. thank you.
so remember the jack nicholson character in "as good as it gets?" this is what i am becoming. minus the unkempt eyebrows and serial killer smile of course. actually, the smile is questionable. but i keep my eyebrows in check. (i love you tweezers! don't ever leave me! let's spend an hour or so together tonight.)
i bring my own plastic silverware to work for lunch, because i am disgusted by all the grubby hands that reach into the drawer for a spoon each day. for i know all... i see all!
mostly, i see you people in the bathroom, rinsing your hands after using the facilites. rinsing! with cool water! did the germs pay you off? are they getting your kid into princeton in return for you allowing them to breed? USE SOAP! please!
this is about to get a little gross, so all of you who aren't the common wombat should consider yourselves warned. wombat, you might want to grab some popcorn or something.
i once read about how the average bathroom is covered in fecal bacteria because when the toilet flushes, little particles of waste are thrown up into the air. most private bathrooms have a cover, which is helpful, but still. this is why i like to keep my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet.
public bathrooms have no covers, and they flush with industrial strength. many many times a day. everytime i hear it i see a mushroom cloud of poop germs blocking the sun. i want to wrap myself in plastic everytime i walk in there.
i also read an article about how smells are really only tiny little particles of the substance that are finding their way into the nose. knowing that, i have become more and more chagrined at having to use public restrooms, where all kinds of smells have a way of appearing.
for instance, beyond the usual type of smell one might encounter... i recently entered a stall and assumed the position, only to be surrounded by the lingering odor of the last occupant-- distinctly human-- sour skin like. i can only assume it was the last occupant, as i do not make a habit of sniffing strangers or coworkers, but really. unless you are me and smell like cookies, please endeavor to keep your stink to yourself.
i am sufficiently grossed out now. i must go wash myself.
preferably in a sterile bathtub full of purel. me and howard hughes, and howie mandel*. but despite the obvious sexiness of this situation, because it would defeat the purpose, none of us touching. especially the dead one.
*a dead guy and two jews in bathtub jokes are so trendy right now, i just had to get in on it. sorry.