December 06, 2005
rub a dub dub

just so we're clear on yesterday, i will be a totally hot senior who will gladly accept most applications for old people sex. to assure you of the quality of what you'll be getting, i have used some specially formulated aging software to give you a peek into my future. you know, it's really too bad you can't see my body in this shot, but i assure you, it's smokin. i'm even wearing lipliner, because i know how to attract a man. or woman. i'm not gonna count out the ladies because at that age, the pickins' are just getting slimmer.

and i will not smell like either bologna or cheerios. thank you.


so remember the jack nicholson character in "as good as it gets?" this is what i am becoming. minus the unkempt eyebrows and serial killer smile of course. actually, the smile is questionable. but i keep my eyebrows in check. (i love you tweezers! don't ever leave me! let's spend an hour or so together tonight.)

i bring my own plastic silverware to work for lunch, because i am disgusted by all the grubby hands that reach into the drawer for a spoon each day. for i know all... i see all!

mostly, i see you people in the bathroom, rinsing your hands after using the facilites. rinsing! with cool water! did the germs pay you off? are they getting your kid into princeton in return for you allowing them to breed? USE SOAP! please!

this is about to get a little gross, so all of you who aren't the common wombat should consider yourselves warned. wombat, you might want to grab some popcorn or something.

i once read about how the average bathroom is covered in fecal bacteria because when the toilet flushes, little particles of waste are thrown up into the air. most private bathrooms have a cover, which is helpful, but still. this is why i like to keep my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet.

public bathrooms have no covers, and they flush with industrial strength. many many times a day. everytime i hear it i see a mushroom cloud of poop germs blocking the sun. i want to wrap myself in plastic everytime i walk in there.

i also read an article about how smells are really only tiny little particles of the substance that are finding their way into the nose. knowing that, i have become more and more chagrined at having to use public restrooms, where all kinds of smells have a way of appearing.

for instance, beyond the usual type of smell one might encounter... i recently entered a stall and assumed the position, only to be surrounded by the lingering odor of the last occupant-- distinctly human-- sour skin like. i can only assume it was the last occupant, as i do not make a habit of sniffing strangers or coworkers, but really. unless you are me and smell like cookies, please endeavor to keep your stink to yourself.

i am sufficiently grossed out now. i must go wash myself.

preferably in a sterile bathtub full of purel. me and howard hughes, and howie mandel*. but despite the obvious sexiness of this situation, because it would defeat the purpose, none of us touching. especially the dead one.

*a dead guy and two jews in bathtub jokes are so trendy right now, i just had to get in on it. sorry.



16 Comments:

Blogger Libby said...

I need to lie down and cry.

I will never go to the bathroom ever ever again, and if I do, I am going to scream uncontrollably and sob at those ladies who rinse, or don't even wash atall.

*sigh* Another thing to add to my list of idiosyncratic behaviours.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I think that toothbrush thing might be a myth.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dammit! I finally got the nerve to post and it isn't there-my cleverness wasted.

Ok, so what I said, only way shortened was-your sense of smell is also linked to your tastebuds...so you have to hold your breath completely in public bathrooms-or wear a surgery mask.

And I also said that I work for a doctor who can't even bother herself to take the extra 20 seconds to use soap-and it's a doctor for christ's sake-

longtime lurker, 1st time poster-I check yer blog religiously-and a Dear Abby reference-
Ashley in Oklahoma

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Urgh. I'm so with you on the toothbrush thing. And what I hate is when I go into a stall, and once I'm in, I realize the person checking herself in the mirror *had* to be the last one in there b/c it still reeks of bussy (butt+y'know), and I'm too embarassed to change stalls b/c she'll like, TOTALLY know I smell her funk. Aurgh. And our "housekeeping" person? The one who sets up the lunches and stuff? NEVER washes her hands. And they wonder why I never attend the staff lunches.

Blogger Calzone said...

Dude, you look so hot old its unbelievable. I kind of like you like that actually. By kind of I mean I have that picture glued upside down on my knee.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

For the sake of my own sanity, or rather what is left of it, I'm just going to pretend that I didn't read any of that...except for the dead guy and two jews in a bathtub part...

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Yeah, thanks for the shout-out. It's nice that I'm getting to be known as something of a poop-aficianado.

Okay, as long as I HAVE the expertise, let's use it:

1) It's absolutely true that when you flush, a jet of water mist and fecal germs is expelled into the air. This is called (waaaaaaait for it...) The FECAL PLUME. I kid you not.

2) As for your toothbrush, the Mythbusters did a handy little experiment that showed that (here's the bad news) while your toothbrush is covered in fecal matter, (here's the good news) it's no more covered than any other part of your bathroom. They tried hiding toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet, as well as in airtight tupperware, and the bottom line is, if you're using the brush, it's STILL got feces on it, presumably from your mouth.

3) What's the bottom line here? You're eating shit no matter what you do, and it's really having little or no negative effect on you. I file this in the same mental drawer I file the knowledge that my body is home to millions and millions of tiny microscopic bugs. The label on that drawer reads "JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT."

4) Poop is funny. Microscopic bugs, though, are TERRIFYING.

Blogger psquared said...

I finally am looking forward to being 80!

Anonymous just4noth3rsn3rt said...

u r way 2 hot in purple hair

Blogger Quirkalot said...

since the "FECAL PLUME" actually does exist (thank you, Wombat), I suggest you never use air hand dry thingies in public bathrooms. Where do you think it gets all of its air? That's like blowing PLUME dust all over yourself! OH, and to think of the idiots who dry their hair with those things... ugh...I shiver and dry heave in disgust. Leave it to Miss Kendra to remind her OCD friend just why she must remain completely OCD. Thank you for proving I'm not nuts! Now I have to create a post about all this stuff. Home you don't mind that you're my muse. Loves ya!
-Miss (as the students call me)

Blogger melissa.in.london said...

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Wombat, thank you for the fascinating dissertation on the fecal plume. I have to go home now and build a separate room for my toilet. It's going to have to be vacuum sealed and I will have to wear a hazmat suit to use it, but hey, at least I won't be brushing my teeth with AS MUCH shite...

By the way, Miss Kendra, I'm really digging the green glasses and necklace...

Blogger me said...

hazmat suit... yes... where can i get one?
i'm wondering how comfortable people in my workplace would be if i turned up in a hazmat suit, plastic bubble in hand to cordon off my desk and clorox to disinfect everyone and everything in site.
i can't touch anything now...

you + old = sexy. the green pearls are old lady haute coture

Blogger Thérèse said...

Officially, officially grossed out.

Thank you Wombat.

You know, they do have separate rooms for the bath and the toilet in France. At least, in the houses I visited in France. Makes a hell of a lot more sense to me than having it all be in one room.

Note to self. Build outhouse.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

i once accosted a co-worker who hadn't washed her hands. i said unto her "i've got two words for you...fecal matter." needless to say, she always washes them now.

also? the air freshener? simply replaces those smelly particles with better smelling ones. just think of all the stuff going down in our nasal cavities. *shudders*

oh, and you'll be disappointed to find that no matter where you keep your toothbrush, it will aquite fecal matter. ttp://www.mythbustersfanclub.com/html/breakstep_bridge.html (scroll down)

Blogger babyjewels said...

Yes, I've heard that. If you are smelling something, you are actually tasting it! So pleasant. Your hair is to die for. Who sets it?

Anonymous zero said...

So one of my kids reminds me that because only a small (infintesimal) amount of "air" is created, most of it just moves around, that we are in essence breathing dino farts - along with the farts of every animal/being that's ever existed. Hrm.......

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