December 05, 2005
only 43 years of sex left

before my "real" post, i have two small matters of business to attend to.

1. i am mailing holiday goodness today, so keep your eyes open. i was going to say peeled, but i bet someone would actually try to peel their eyes and i will not be held responsible for that. we're not all mensa material, and that's ok.

2. dear lady who was in the stall next to me: what did you eat? nevermind. i probably don't want to know.

and begin post:

last night, as is our custom, Boy and i watched desperate housewives. (kimberly shaw is awesome! gruesome scars are way hott.) and teri hatcher's character, um, lois lane, no wait.... um, the too skinny neurotic lady... oh i know this one! ally mcbeal! no? that's not it... um, let me check. be right back.

her name is susan? if abc says so. i could've sworn it was one of those other ones though.

anyways, "susan" tries to get to know her father, a skeevie old man who, in a show low point, gets busted for solicitation. seriously, it was low... but then again, how could they beat the bree doll? i totally want one.



but the old man's excuse for why he tried to get "professional help" was totally a show high point! very very high! he claims the internets (i know them!) had popups (say it ain't so!) that got him all hot and bothered, forcing him to seek release. full release, if you will. what kind of lowlife blames his wandering penis on the internets?

and why can't he just go home and get some wifely lovin? asks "susan," if that is her name, which is a really good question.

because the wife is a sixty-eight year old woman, who doesn't ring his bell.

his probably seventy year old bell.

cut to Boy and miss kendra, sitting together on the couch.
me: will i still ring your bell when i'm sixty-eight?

Boy: eeeeewww! no! you'll be old! sixty-eight is old!

me: you'll be old too! you'll be seventy-four! so does this mean you don't want to have old people sex with me?

Boy: no way! you'll have cracks and crevices and folds and you'll smell! old people smell!


you heard it here first. in 43 years i will be available for old people sex, as Boy will not be partaking. i'm accepting applications now so that i can plan ahead, you know, tailor the smell of my cracks and folds to your specific taste. because maybe you like the kind of old people who smell like mothballs- i can buy some. i think i saw some on sale.

or maybe you like the kind of old people who smell like onions and meat. i'll start cooking now so the odors can seep in, and you know, really stick. i can do it. i have time. only 43 more years baby, and i'm all yours. *roar*



17 Comments:

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Oh, please tell me I'm first in line.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

OOH!!! OOOOOH! One bologna flavored sixty-eight year old Mistress Kendra for me please!!!!

On a side note, I just became incredibly pissed off that the stupid Oscar Meyer song spells out O-S-C-A-R and M-E-Y-E-R...but doesn't teach kids how to spell bologna. How would you feel if you figured that out in the middle of a spelling test? No wonder kids blow things up.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

It's completely unfair of Boy to withhold sex from Ancient Kendra on the basis of cracks, crevices and folds.

He's right about the smell though. And on that basis, I'm with him on the "no sex with old people" thing. Unles they are freshly showered and perfumed. Then I could see some geriatric uglies-bumpin' happening.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Are you kidding? The way you eat, at 68 you'll be lucky to NOT smell like Cheerios.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Yes. Finally. An opening.

Ahem.

So, Miss Kendra, are you looking for only one successful applicant, or will it be a rotation thing?

Blogger Grend31 said...

I would very much like to take my place in line but sadly this set of criteria would have to be met:

1.) My wife will have had to have left me after finally figuring out she totally got the raw deal in this marriage-thingy-ma-bobber.

2.) I should be mostly still be alive and have semi-functional parts. There will be no chance for necrophilia as I'm having myself cremated. Mainly to keep AC from doing naughty stuff to my poor dead corpse.

3.) I should be mostly senility and/or dementia free.

Wow. There is no way in hell I'll ever make everything on that list. Hell, I think I already may be be slipping on number three.

*shuffles away from the line dejected*

Blogger babyjewels said...

Pencil me in. I'm older than you and I'll probably be dead. But you have my written permission to use me for old people necrophiliac sex. I'm not spell checking that. I'm part of the non-Mensa readership. We are loyal and well-meaning. And ready for dead old people sex. Bring it (you know, in four decades or so)

Blogger Libby said...

Auntie Sassy, it's M-A-Y-E-R like John :)

I'm up for some front-porch rocking and knitting once you're done with all of your old people sex... :)

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Libby! I'm so ashamed!

I'm writing M-A-Y-E-R on my white board one hundred times.

Blogger miss kendra said...

no need for shame here.

remember we love all god's creatures, whether they be mensa or not.

and even if they have folds that smell like old meat.

Blogger Egan said...

What's mensa? Is that smart people talk for "look at me, I am smarter than you shitheads!"

Blogger Libby said...

Mensa is short for "Morons Evicting Non-Smart Assholes."

And if you smell like bologna, Kendra, you'll have to sit on the other side of the porch. :)

Blogger Übermilf said...

I probably won't be interested in sex at that point, since I'll be... let me do math... 36 plus 43 equals... 79? I'll be 79.

I'll hold the camera, though.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

pleasetobe keeping in mind that i reserve the right to mail reciprical holiday goodness any time between now and january 1st. 'cause, like, new years really is a holiday, yo.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I was raised catholic so I probably won't be up for knockin' boots, but I'll make out with you for a little while.

Blogger Frog said...

How much sexlife does a frog have? I dunno...

Blogger Beeb said...

thank you for my holiday goodness... i love goodness in the mail... i love another kind of goodness too- but i'm not going to tell you because i'm sure you know... which brings me to the whereabouts of the j______...

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