1. i am mailing holiday goodness today, so keep your eyes open. i was going to say peeled, but i bet someone would actually try to peel their eyes and i will not be held responsible for that. we're not all mensa material, and that's ok.
2. dear lady who was in the stall next to me: what did you eat? nevermind. i probably don't want to know.
and begin post:
last night, as is our custom, Boy and i watched desperate housewives. (kimberly shaw is awesome! gruesome scars are way hott.) and teri hatcher's character, um, lois lane, no wait.... um, the too skinny neurotic lady... oh i know this one! ally mcbeal! no? that's not it... um, let me check. be right back.
her name is susan? if abc says so. i could've sworn it was one of those other ones though.
anyways, "susan" tries to get to know her father, a skeevie old man who, in a show low point, gets busted for solicitation. seriously, it was low... but then again, how could they beat the bree doll? i totally want one.
but the old man's excuse for why he tried to get "professional help" was totally a show high point! very very high! he claims the internets (i know them!) had popups (say it ain't so!) that got him all hot and bothered, forcing him to seek release. full release, if you will. what kind of lowlife blames his wandering penis on the internets?
and why can't he just go home and get some wifely lovin? asks "susan," if that is her name, which is a really good question.
because the wife is a sixty-eight year old woman, who doesn't ring his bell.
his probably seventy year old bell.
cut to Boy and miss kendra, sitting together on the couch.
me: will i still ring your bell when i'm sixty-eight?
Boy: eeeeewww! no! you'll be old! sixty-eight is old!
me: you'll be old too! you'll be seventy-four! so does this mean you don't want to have old people sex with me?
Boy: no way! you'll have cracks and crevices and folds and you'll smell! old people smell!
you heard it here first. in 43 years i will be available for old people sex, as Boy will not be partaking. i'm accepting applications now so that i can plan ahead, you know, tailor the smell of my cracks and folds to your specific taste. because maybe you like the kind of old people who smell like mothballs- i can buy some. i think i saw some on sale.
or maybe you like the kind of old people who smell like onions and meat. i'll start cooking now so the odors can seep in, and you know, really stick. i can do it. i have time. only 43 more years baby, and i'm all yours. *roar*