December 20, 2005
it's that time again!

you knew it would happen. i promised it would.
"the time has come," the walrus said,
"to talk of many things:
of shoes- and ships- and sealing wax-
of cabbages- and kings—
and why the sea is boiling hot-
and whether pigs have wings."

don’t worry. i’m not going to eat you with a loaf of bread and a nice bordeaux. i’d like to, and i’m sure the majority of you would be rather tasty, but i like vodka and the whole vodka/people thing just doesn’t sit right.

that can mean only one thing. i got another cat!

i kid, i kid. Boy would murder me. and not in the choke-me-a-little-because-it-feels-good, ooh yeah don’t stop kind of way.

you may remember a little thing called the cow by any other name contest, and its result, the beatific and unimitable reverend barfolomew frumpkin lee.

and you may be familiar with a little interest (preoccupation? obsession?) of mine called gnomes (see September 20). they give my life meaning, and it’s not just me. crazy aunt purl finds them intriguing as well. we have exemplary taste in folk creatures.

so! today marks day one of

i will (as i do) send prizes to the winner/winners, which will clearly be the best prizes EVER because i rule. and also because i like to buy weird stuff and send it to people!

i have provided here some photographic evidence of the gnome’s existence. please use it to your advantage when choosing his new moniker, as he will be residing in my office and thus should maybe not be named anything like, “shithead,” “fuckface,” or “bob.”

not a morning gnome.

back away from the kibbles, dog!

he’s a better driver than everyone else on wilshire.

undefeated debate team champion!

terminated personnel files make for good reading!

getting some bush.

with ellen’s headless chicken, made by lady linoleum

spending some quality time with the other under appreciated folk creatures

historical fiction? gnome porn.

gnow gname that gnome!


Blogger CommonWombat said...

This is a perfect opportunity for me to further my ongoing campaign to name everybody and everything in the world Ferdinand.

I hereby submit to you the name: Ferdinand Frankel.

No reason, other than I like the way it sounds.

Blogger MooCow said...

Fjorken Van Der Bean

Blogger Malicia said...

I'd like to call him Phil McKracken.

Blogger Libby said...

My head hurts. What are we doing?

Blogger miss kendra said...

i can't really respond to today's comments, because i might skew the results.

libby- we're gnaming the gnome.

Blogger JenL said...

I vote for Winklebottom. But then I watch too much King of the Hill.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

There is no way in Hades that any one could come up with a more appropriate, amusing, insightful gname than you! I think you do this just to mock those of us with lesser imaginations. Or to see what Calzone will come up with (equally amusing).

Yer evil. Eeeeeeevillllllllllll!

Blogger AliceBabylon said...

Ignatius Gnome?

Sorry, I got nothing.

Blogger riseyp said...

Gnorman Gnickerbocker Gnelson.

Blogger Beeb said...

Gnorge the Bush Getter

meh. >:)

Blogger Monkey said...

Mr. Gnumby Slumby Bookman

He looks so sweet under the covers. I hope he doesn't fart like Calzone.

Blogger Calzone said...

The only thing I'd call that fucker is a cab. Gnomes are known to carry Hepatitis C.

I'm not shitting you.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

You could opt to steer this thing in the completely opposite direction and just call him Steve. Because hey, Steve the Gnome!

Hmmm... I may be the only person who finds that funny.

Blogger Squid Vicious said...

Either Pat Robertson or Rumpledforeskin...

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

gnaddy the gnaughty gnome

Blogger Grend31 said...

Dimbkin Punfoodle


with all appropriate titles:

Sir Dimbkin Punfoodle, Esq.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Why must he have such a complicated name? Looks like a Fred to me.

Fred Udibibert Howardertonsonmon.

Blogger said...

Tomtenisse Beowolf Babblingbrook

(Tomtenisse is Swedish for gnome, and the rest is just a name that's very gnome-ish-esque)

Or, you could call him Mr. Strom. Because take off the red hat, and he looks JUST LIKE my chemistry teacher. Seriously.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Fleebin d'Boobin

Spanacher Wanklepan


Cartoosian Van Horbleblatterstondingtonworth

Spiffle the Lumpkin Tamer

Blogger me said...


or something that just *screams* wise like...


but i prefer albert.

or pablo

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

heir gamindian snoozebucket

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Rumple McSquiggledyBottom


Vidal Sass-Gnome

Blogger Tel said...

How about Flappy McLippington?

Blogger Brookelina said...

I think you should call him Bob. Bob the Gnome.

I go for the simple stuff.

Anonymous Maenwyn said...

Of course you have to name him Chomsky (as in Nome Chomsky). What else?

Then, only eriudite friends will understand the joke and giggle with you while the others stand outside looking in the window sadly. The "others" will feel our power of the mind.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Well, I like 'Rez and Maenwyn's suggestions, but I'm going to suggest a different tack.

I think some objects simply can't be named off the bat. I think have them around and one day you turn and talk to him and suddenly you realize that you've called him by a name and that it IS his name. You know?

Maybe they whisper it to you in your sleep.

Blogger Ms. Pepper LeDog said...


Anonymous KellyCat said...

He must be a scholar of some sort to carry around that book all the time.... I think his name should be:

Professor Cobblenock


Dr. Blumpkins, IV

Blogger Lady Baltimore said...

Harold Winston Pepperoni IV

Anyway, I NEED a pattern for that headless chicken!!!!

Gnarly Gnome

Blogger Squid Vicious said...

Look at it! The little pecker looks like a little pecker. Maybe Pat Robertson after all. HaHa! I voted twice!!!

Blogger fae said...

umm so we actually gave a gnome to our grandmother and grandpa was watching her open her present and the hat was coming out of the box and he said "it lokks like a prick"
his name should be Itlooks Likea Prick
or not
maybe not funny at all.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Dr. Vladimir Gnomenclator.

Because a nomenclator is:
1 : a book containing collections or lists of words (and he carries that book)
2 archaic : one who announces the names of guests or of persons generally (which he can do for you at work)
3 : one who gives names to or invents names for things (general gnomey activity)

Plus I like Vlad. Vlad is rad.

Anonymous zero said...

Beowulf - let him dream big

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

and my late entry is...
Professor Scnawzmeister
(as in teacher with a funny nose)

My 6 year old wants to enter:
Professor Lookatabook

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al Gergnome

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