December 12, 2005
did you miss me?

we were somewhere around barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. i remember saying something like "i feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive..." and suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car...

i started to freak out thinking maybe Boy roofied me or something, you know, to loosen my legs a little (joke's on him! everyone knows i'm a big slut!), but then i realized it was just the three bottles of flinstones gummie vitamins messing with me. you know how it is.

and now i return to you unharmed (mostly). i suppose that means vegas was a total bust.

there's really no efficient way to tell you about this weekend, so i feel the best option is vegas inspired- i'm getting it down to the numbers.

7.5: minutes it took us to slowly creep down the stairs and out to the car just in case pickles went all it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again on William.

175: number of dollars i allowed myself for the trip.

<4: number of hours it took to get from west la to vegas, baby!

90: average speed i was driving in order to accomplish this feat.

12: approximate number of seconds before i laid in with the, "so which chapel is our elvis waiting at?" jokes

3: approximate number of miles our hotel was from the strip

492: number of miles our room was from the hotel entrance. (it also had two "full" size beds, which works out really nicely for a couple whose combined height is about twelve feet.)

1: number of nights we stayed in that room, because Boy is a MAN and he took control!

1000000000000: times better the new room was, with its ginormous bed and close proximity to the casino

2941561042398716: exact number of times i tried to ravage him due to his peep-pleasing MANness

2: square inches of un-chafed skin left after all that ravaging (send ointments and creams please!)

11: number of hours slept, per night, on average.

0: number of hours daylight seen, per day, on average.

21069587610394651029341508746298721597: calories consumed. this is the really important information people, so pay attention.

8: strips of bacon

5: sausages (two link, three patty)

4: donuts (three crumb, one cinnamon roll)

3: plates spaghetti, with two rolls each

4: helpings home fries

3: chicken lettuce wraps (this is as close as i get to asian cuisine. Boy doesn't like it. *WEEP*)

1: mushroom burger with fries (at "america," the restaurant in new york, new york that has a giant 3-d map on its ceiling.)

1.33: giant 1/2 pound hotdogs ($1.50 each! circus circus rules!)

and of those, the thing i would most likely eat again? the hotdogs. those were some big, cheap, and delicious weiners.

2: number of times seriously considered flashing the aerial contortionist at circus circus.

.25: number of times the faeries visited me this weekend (apparently they were held up at the agricultural checkpoint at the california state line.)

11.85: dollars won playing nickels at "slots of fun"

46.25: dollars won playing quarter "wheel of fortune" at the frontier

18: number of dollars "up" that leaves me. i'm a winner! *shimmy shakes* i'm confident that this money will not change me, except for the fact that now i will own you all.

21: casinos visited this trip

9: cigarettes smoked (and that was one too many.)

10: disco ball mirrored 15 foot candycane decorations. but wait, there's more. vegas does christmas right, what with the trees in every available doorway and the lights and the illegal mexicans handing out flyers in their fuzzy little santa hats. if that doesn't say christmas, then it probably says, "putas a su puerta en treinta minutos o menos."

8347987346: men in cowboy hats named "cody," "wade," or "clay"

8347987346: pounds of sparkles and makeup bedazzling the women that came with cody, wade and clay

0: number of times i was married by elvis, which is shocking in its own right because seriously, who wouldn't want to marry me, but even more shocking with all those rodeo guys around. (because mmmmm cowboys, and also mmmm cowboys.)

and also there might have been some drinking, and um, i may or may not have fallen down the stairs outside of paris. and that fall may or may not have been a nose dive into the pavement that resulted in bloodied black and blue knees.

so that's all. you heard me. keep it moving, nothing to see here.

i'm still tired (and i may or may not be hurting in the knee-al region).


Blogger JenL said...

Well, it sounds like a great trip. And yay for gambling winnings. And for being chafed from all the ravaging and such. Since you asked that some be sent, do you have a preferred ointment or lotion?

Mmmmm cowboys.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Hey! What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas. You really blew that rule right out of the water.

The new slogan is: What happens in Vegas, will be thoroughly documented and published on the internet.

Welcome back!

Blogger ~drew emborsky~ said...

....but how many times did you think about us sitting at our computers waiting for you to return to blogland?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Because you know we were! How did Pickles do?! More importantly, how did William do?!?!?

Sounds like you had a fantabulous time. Gawrsh ((she says, leaning heavily on her walker)), I almost remember Vegas. . .

Blogger Calzone said...

I so missed you sugar. I paid this whore to dress like you and to say nice things and stare blankly into the distance.

I really missed you.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I find most food consumed in Vegas to be less exciting than I hoped. Except for the pretzels in New York, New York. I could eat those all day long.

A fall down the Paris steps, oh my! I hope your knees are okay. That sounds a lot like something I would do.

Blogger riseyp said...

poor wounded knees!!

otherwise, sounds like a fabulous time was had!!!

-one of your most dedicated blogstalkers

Blogger Tel said...

Grrrrrl! Glad to hear you and Boy got it on like you were a couple of honeymooners. :)

I recently had a weekend with my boyfriend and WOW! was I tired!

Blogger Tel said...

Grrrrrl! Glad to hear you and Boy got it on like you were a couple of honeymooners. :)

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

Numbers are fun. I especially liked the one about the distance from the door of the hotel to the hotel room you stayed in. Nice.

Blogger babyjewels said...

12: number of times I giggled thru this post.

1: number of presents I've rec'd from a blogger. Loved it. thank you. xo

Blogger said...

21 casinos! That's admirable...
That and the fact that you still had time to ravage boy so much what with the gambling, drinking, eating, sleeping and falling down stairs.

: )

Blogger Thérèse said...

I sure missed you!

Okay, I have a few comments and have decided to post them all as different comments cause that's what they are.

Blogger Thérèse said...

And cause that's fun.

Blogger Thérèse said...


Blogger Thérèse said...

Try it.

Blogger Thérèse said...


Blogger Thérèse said...

Well done. You're not supposed to see daylight when you go to Vegas.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Everyone, and I mean everyone, loves big cheap delicious weiners.

Blogger Thérèse said...

"Slots of fun" makes me laugh on two levels.

Blogger Thérèse said...

... and I want "slots of fun."

Blogger Thérèse said...

And now I'm done taking over your comments.

Blogger Thérèse said...

I promise.

Blogger HizzleThizzle said...

I found you on BJ's site was coming to see if you had a movie up yet. :)

Blogger Beeb said...

that is too weird... i read this entry after the one i left a comment on before (cowboys = mmmmmm).... crazy minds think alike!!

btw, "8347987346: men in cowboy hats named "cody," "wade," or "clay" ... why are all cowboys names only four letters long?????

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

a) we have a 3/4 bed. smaller than a full, bigger than a twin.

b) my brother works for general mills. in the headquarters, yo! he can get you a personalized letter from cheerio himself. no lie.

c) i wanted to get married by elvis, but my husband made me have a "real" wedding. when i was knocked up? i campaigned to renew our vows in an elvis ceremony with my father holding a shotgun. 'cause there is nothing more fun than a biracial marriage with shotgun overtones. also? it is our tenth anniversary, and, i'm sad to say, we are too damn poor to have a recommitment ceremony in vegas. will my dreams ever come true? *sigh*

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

d) oh, and last week i had the gas real bad without the benefit of farts. i had to leave work i was in so much pain. true story. cherish your farts and be thankful.

Blogger Racheal said...

I wish my Vegas trips were so productive.

But then again, I always go with my family. Damn being a teenager.

And it always takes us 6 hours instead of the usual 4 to get there because my stupid little brothers and sisters always conveiently have to go to the bathroom with every Carl's Jr. we pass.

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