November 28, 2005
let me tell you about a little thing called pain

nobody knows my pain, for my pain is mine alone.


hypothetically, if i sewed my finger, and hypothetically, if i sewed it with a sewing machine, then hypothetically, ripping out the tiny zigzag stitching from my fingertip would really really hurt. there is an off chance it might bleed too, but not on the damn projects, because then i would have to do them all over again.

and then i might have to cry, or possibly kill people.

the reason i would endure such hypothetical suffering is the magnificent monkey, who because of an unfortunate interesting mutatation, has a very large hoo hah. which makes finding pants quite difficult. which why i volunteered to make pants. which is why i have recently become bitter and angry about sewing in general.

after several attempts to conjure pants from mid air (monkeius pantimus!), i brought out the machine and fiddled around with patterns that would fit monkey's specific (and quite odd--sorry monkey) measurements. after many many tries that resembled everything from a muu muu to a creepy set of udders, i got this: voila!

day wear

and jammies! w00t!

they look less cool in the pictures, but i firmly believe that with monkey's hoo hah planted firmly inside, these pants will rock your world.

as hoped, this weekend was a time of great abundance on the martha front. i made thanksgiving, and washed my dog, and did laundry, and cleaned my house twice. once because it was dirty, and once because i spraypainted indoors. hehehehe. *glurg* i like fumes.

wait, you say. that's not really pain. who cares if you hypothetically sewed your finger into a lightning bolted mess?

well, that's not all. of course, details to follow, but briefly, let's just say my weekend involved needles (of the not-sewing AND not-knitting variety), lasers (lasers!), hot burning, cracking skin and the truest most awful pain of dishpan hands.

if you think you can handle the horror, i will see you tomorrow. see you through my vicodin induced haze, that is.


Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Oh. Oh Miss Kendra. I did that once. I ran my finger through the sewing machine. The same machine that oddly enough, couldn't handle denim, but it sure shot right through my finger, fingernail and all.
Due to my pact with Satan (the deal was I'd be able to make better quilts than my mother by age 9, which made her cry (hee, hee) in exchange for my immortal soul, naturally, I accepted) I did not bleed.

Blogger Libby said...

Did you get a dumbass flu shot too? My arm is going to fall off, but BY GOD!! I will not get the flu. :(

Hope the needles were of the tattoo variety ;)

Blogger Calzone said...

I like Vikes..Monkey is already flipping by the way.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Does the dumbass flu shot make you a dumbass? I'm just curious, b/c how the HEYALLLL do you so your finger?! You must be going a LOT faster than my klutzy mind could imagine. But I'm up for it - I remember your Hawaiian Islands burn (or something like that). T'werent NUTHIN. :) I like blood; I like gore. Bring it on.

Oh, and on the stupid question font - is Monkey's hoo-hah a girlie hoo-hah thing, a boy hoo-hah, or a buttocks-type hoo-hah? Just so I'm clear on the visuals. Cute jammers; I want me a pair.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

That's what I get for intimating you may be a dumbass - I type "so" instead of "sew". I had my shot back in September. OBVIOUSLY.

Blogger Monkey said...

Oh my!! I don't know what to say! I'm sorry you are pain, although it is a marvelous excuse to take drugs...

But the pants!! The pants make it all worth it! I love the pockets on the cargo pants and the jammies look just so damn cuddly, I think I just pooped myself in joy.

You are a wonder Miss Kendra. A wonder indeed. A whirling dervish of domestic magnificence.

Blogger miss kendra said...

monkey is a boy with a large hoohah for someone's arm to fit in.

that would be the woman.

she puts her arm in his hoohah.

Blogger amandamonkey said...

I sewed over my finger once. I was finishing a last-minute Laura Ashley dress for... uh, well. It doesn't really matter. I was about 12 years old. When I said 'oh sh!t', my mother's first question was 'did you bleed on the dress?!'

It was sore for a good two months.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

You are my idol. If I lived closer I'd properly stalk you.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Ps. You deserve a medal. Really!

Blogger CommonWombat said...

I got nothin.

Those pants scare me.

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

im worried about monkeys hoohaw, its all black.
I sew too. I design my own dog coats which are major cute. I'm sure you're fascinated

Blogger Lady Baltimore said...

I've sewn my finger, too. I had to get my husband to pull the broken needle out of my finger. I couldn't do it myself.
Did you have to get a tetnus shot?
I hate those.
You're so nice to make Monkey some pants.

Blogger ~drew emborsky~ said...

As long as the hoo-hah didn't get stuck in the sewing machine....

Blogger Southernspeak4 said...

Hooray for large hoo hahs everywhere in need of covering...or not. I think Monk is quite proud of displaying her cavernous hoo ha and often public Pap smear and will refuse to wear them, but it is the clever thought that counts and the blood, sweat, tears, and drug-induced euphoria you put into them, indeed.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Pants AND jammies? You are beyond generous.

You have my endless admiration and respect.

I hope you are not permanently injured.

Blogger Calzone said...

dude....check Jiggs blog if you want to be in on a random buzzing of some chicks blog. 230 tomorrow eastern.

Blogger Grend31 said...

There should be a special forces medal for a person who is injured during the creation of monkey clothing.

And you should get it.

Blogger Grend31 said...

Or maybe you should be knighted. For bravery and valiant behavior. I'm pretty sure monkeys everywhere agree.

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