November 29, 2005
and still more pain

last tuesday, the day before my FABULOUS FIVE DAY WEEKEND, other wise known as the longest day ever, i did alot of filing. for those of you who don't consider filing to be dangerous, let me explain to you how handling this much paper and at one point having to reach into the scary hot toothed sharp pointie copier bowels to relieve the jam can damage a girl's delicate hands. the hands dry up like carrion and become riddled with wounds (read: papercuts). basically you're left with arms that stump off into shredded jerky. calzone, stop drooling.

AND! this cracked skin/jagged flesh situation (hereafter known as "kendra jerkyhands") is aggravated by constant dishwashing! something called "dishpan hands." who knew? sure wish i did, before the thanksgivingturkey got his horrid poultry germs all over me.

normally this sort of thing would be easily rectified with some industrial strength moisturizer, but a girl can't knit with greasy mitts! she'd ruin all the pretty yarns! and yet her barbedwire skin pulls at the pretty yarns and ruins them anyway. by friday morning i was crouched in a darkened corner stroking vast piles of fucked up yarn and whispering, "my precious... i'm so sorry precious..."

but i persisted, and i totally finished projects! this is the internets debut of my first completed knitting projects, as i have a tendency to begin many many many many many things and never finish a single one.

first is the "umbilical hat," so called because it has a funny little knot in the top that doesn't photograph well. and also some booties.

i made them! they're so small and i made them!

then, the first ever commissioned piece of knittery, a devil hat for acw to give to someone on jeebus's birthday!

is a devil hat a fitting way to celebrate the birth of christ?
i thought so too.

after all that pain, friday afternoon seemed like a good time for more. yes, more pain! mwa ha ha ha! wait, what? we're talking about my pain??? crap.

i went to see Miyagi (hold your applause), who you can read about further here and here in case you need to be caught up.

now you can clap.

YAY! so Miyagi dragged hot and burnie needles up and down my side for about three hours. it was sooper fun. it made me sore in places that don't even have nerves! we followed up with some dicussion of how best to handle further coverage of TheUglyThing. it was decided that it would be much easier to work with if certain parts of it were lighter.

cue the lasers.

JUMPING JESUS ON A POGO STICK! holy mother of god, and by that i mean "mamma mia," because i am a devoutpastafarian. lasers are fucking evil.

it's like tiny little electric holes boring into my naked flesh, biting and gnawing in a row of unequaled searing hellfire pain.

so from about my hip bone, all the way up to my armpit, i have been either needled or lasered. i feel GREAT! w00t! let's climb a mountain and do some sporty things! yeah!

and thus concludes my two day seminar on "pain." if you glean nothing else from this, please remember, when the laser people tell you, "it feels like being snapped with a rubberband," they are right.

getting lasered does indeed feel like being snapped with a rubberband, if that rubber band is made of white hot lava and hates you with the unbridled passionate rage of a thousand devil's brides.

the end.


Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Holy effing crap the hat looks awesome! wooo00000ooot!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

That cap is the cutest thing ever. And the boots are soo friggin kewt, I think I berrffed a little. Precious. Outstanding work, really! Love them, love the devil hat, love the Monkey pants. Sigh. HATE the thought of lasers for anything but eye surgery. (so kill me, I had a great experience!)

At least I can feel your pain w/respect to paper cuts. Working for FatCatLawFirm, I'm personally responsible for half the deforestation going on in Northern Washington. It sucks.

:) I love when people ask if a certain tattoo hurt to get - YES, IT HURTS. ITS A FRIGGIN TATTOO, MORON!!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the knitting project!

My response to "does it hurt?" with regard to tattoos comes from an episode of Friends, actually. "NO. It was licked on by kittens."

Blogger babyjewels said...

I totally want to wear those booties. You are very talented.

Blogger Libby said...

I KNEW YOUR PAIN was Miyagi-inflicted! I am coming down to get Miyagi to ink me. My old tat artist disappeared and I need more.

More INK!!

And ACW is going to think my socks are cat puke after your sooper cool hatness. :(

Blogger karla said...

That devil hat is the greatest thing I've EVER seen! I would be so totally jealous of ACW for getting it, if not for the fact that I have the real thing (horn, that is) growing out of my own skull.

Okay, I'm still jealous.

Good job!

Blogger miss kendra said...

acw- thanks! i triededed so hard for you.

monkeygurrrl & xt- see, i'm more on the "it's not the tattoo that hurts, it's the location" side. i've had some that were cake, and some (this one! please send help!) that made me want to go fetal.

babyjewels- if i figure out the pattern for fuzzy feet, i could work on it... no guarantees, but it could happen!

libby- no way, dude. i'm sure your'e socks are wicked good. (hehehe, boston) i can't even make socks.
i don't even really wear any.

karla- you only have one horn? like a unicorn? weird. everyone in my gang has two.

Blogger Beeb said...

ok. lemme just say that when i have a little tike of my own (god help us) you must make him* a hat.

*i said "him" because I put an order in for a boy long before i even wanted kids.

Blogger CommonWombat said...

Who needs tats when you have huge moles growing in provocative patterns all over your body, along with a few extra nipples?

Stop staring at me...

Blogger Grend31 said...

I am in awe of the devil-hat.

Blogger me said...

so it goes without saying that lasers are evil and are personally out to get me...
do you think it would be *the* most excruciating pain on earth and in the entire universe if i had some no longer loved ink removed from a spot on my tummy(it hurt to tears when i got it)?
or b. should i have the oddly shapped oddity covered with something larger and more oddly shapped...
please send help in laser/needle form

Blogger miss kendra said...

i'm gonna have to say that depending on the size/shape/color of what's there, it varies.

some artists can do amazing coverups. some can't. really really can't.

but yes, lasering hurts. and it takes several treatments.

if you are really wanting it gone, take the pain. it hurts during, but not at all after.

and it's alwaysd possible that something new could become something even more hated a few years down the line.

send me a picture of the offending ink and i'll tell you more. my email is over there ---> under my profile.

Blogger said...

Much sympathy regarding the shredded hands.

I am stuffing envelopes today because our printer Royally Screwed Up. I think my fingers will be bleeding soon...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OOOOOOOHHHHH! I want to commission something. I just don't know what yet. You're an effing awesome knitter!

Blogger Calzone said...

Hey Kendra,

I wasn't trying to be mean, just silly. I comment like that on everyones blog, If I had 80 wierd comments I'd love it.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i know... but she might be afraid of all those "euphamisms."

i still love you, baby.

Blogger Calzone said...

I said you were too nice. I mean I actually said it.

I love you more.

Blogger Southernspeak4 said...

Okay, I will be back, but...what have you all done now? And WHY do I only find out about it right before, during, or after the event has occurred? Someone enlighten me...otherwise, I'll be waiting in my usual position, under the desk with a hardhat on, in the hazmat suit. Apparently I always miss the one blog with the info of where to go on it...answering the "why" is up for grabs, so I don't even ask...but I like to streak through blogs naked and shout absurdities as much as anyone.

Miss K, I will be back to comment about your actual blog entry shortly, hehehe, was just trying to see what went down, dog.

Blogger Lady Baltimore said...

Way to go, girl!

Blogger miss kendra said...

the b a of j commented on some chick's blog.

it was supposed to be weird and random, but some people got a little creepy and now the poor girl is stuck in germany with a bunch of nazis and weinerschnitzels and scary blog comments.

jiggs orchestrated the whole thing.

Blogger Southernspeak4 said...

Jiggs, that mastermind, I should've known...those medlding kids..and I would've gotten away with it too...

Yeah, *someone* directed me there last time, to Jiggs' blog, but the "where" was taken down already. All right, I need to meet quota anyway...sorry, I'll be bacccck, you can delete these if not appropriate. Shia, I'm never appropriate, but delete them if you like.:)

Blogger Calzone said...

kendra..."hey why didn't you invite me????"

Me.."you seem too nice"

Kendra..."I'm not nice"

Me ..."Okay you are invited"

Kendra..."You are mean"

our first fight is making me crazy for you....I can't even think straight.

Blogger miss kendra said...

dude, i'm not nice, i'm just saying it's possible that the girl was freaked out by the penis talk and that was not the plan!

that said, you are mean.

*roar* i like bad boys.

word ver: mxfck (word ver is a dirty bird)

Blogger Calzone said...

you are nice

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