October 26, 2005
you're so vain, i bet you think this post is about you

there's a problem with my new hair, besides the fact that it neither cuts through aluminum nor juliennes fries. it's quite serious, actually. the problem is that everyone seems to really like it. including me.

i can not stop looking at myself in the mirror. or in the windows of my office. or in the little mirror i brought to work so i could look at my hair in case there wasn't a mirror. the pressure to look hawt has increased exponentially and is crushing my soul.

because let me explain something to you about my hair.

it hates me.

it is uncooperative and surly. it was fine until we hit puberty, then it got all sullen and shit. you know, stayed out past curfew, pierced its tongue, slept with the football team. then i sent it to wilderness camp, where the-man-du-crunchie-granola glacier mountain wolf tried to change its ways, but that hair, it's stubborn. at least it didn't get arrested for crashing a boat into a family of seven. while it can occasionally be tricked into looking reasonably attractive, mostly i have to strap it down and give it a couple (hundred, thousand, whatever) CCs of thorazine. and sometimes haldol. only sometimes, though, 'cause sometimes i keep that one for myself. (gluuuuuurg. haldol is bananas. hehehe.)

before, i would tie it all up on the top of my head into what i like to call "my pineapple." see, you thought when i drew pictures of me that looked like this

that i was joking. i assure you, i was not. the pineapple is no laughing matter.

now that my hair is too short to be the pineappley (pine-APP-ull-ee) wonder it once was, i have to you know, style it. which means a hair dryer and some hot stick thing and more weird pink girl stuff, to put in my hair and then sit around looking like this

yes. just like this. exactly.

because my nice new cut is supposed to present itself like this:

but because i am lazy and usually drunk, i do not like to wait for this result. i want instant gratification. i don't want to blow dry. it sounds hard.
"pick up [my] hairdryer and direct the flow of air along the hair under tension. this flow of air must be from scalp towards the brush but not on the brush. [i am] really drying the hair that is pulled straight between the scalp and brush, using the brush as a griping (sic) tool rather than a brush."
i can barely read that! and i have edjimication!it's just too complicated, seeing as my brush would apparently need bowels and i'm pretty sure it doesn't have any. (this is why we spell check, kids. to insure that our inanimate objects don't inadvertantly develop excretion systems.)

so anyways, i tend to go bed with wet hair. then i wake up like this. and it ain't pretty.

please keep the screaming to a minimum. hideous monsters have feelings too.


Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Am I the only one that kinda digs the morning 'do?

*looks around*

Blogger CommonWombat said...

You could publish a book just of your little MS paint drawings, cause the pineapple one? HYSTERICAL. I'm just sayin'.

I'm trying to reconcile the tangled hair-squid in this post with the uber-cute "do" two posts down, and I'm just not able to do it. I refuse to believe that's the same hair.

What you've got there is some sort of hairstrosity that's crawling into your bed at night and nesting on your noodle. You can suffocate it if you wear a shower cap for a week.

Um... I'm not helping, am I?

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Whatever, wombat, I'm with Valancyjane. It looks way cuter straight outta bed than mine would *ever* look, even if I wasn't petrified of styling utensils. Thank the gods for elastics. :(


Blogger Libby said...

Even when I have the time, my hair doesn't look as cute as yours apparently does straight out of bed. I may have to shave my head now.

Blogger Calzone said...

yeah yeah totally cute photo..but I was kind of hoping for more burnt flesh.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I'm with wombat. You should make children's books with MSPaint. You could certainly be the next Edward Gorey. Except cuter. And without the beard.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

all about the touseled look.

my mistake? deciding that i should forgo the washing this morning. in lieu of ablutions? i gave my new goodwill hair rollers a whirl. i'd like to thank the creators of the headband today. i heart them hard.

Blogger JenL said...

I concur that the morning hair is super cute.

As for me, I'm all about pulling my hair back into a ponytail because it requires no effort. And if I'm really feeling daring, I'll put on a baseball cap too. But then I'm not working these days.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

I honestly think your hair is cute when it's all messy like that. I guess living in the humidity capital of the south has shown me what REALLY bad hair looks like.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Sigh, I get you sister. Totally. I presonally have actually given up on my hair. It will do what it wants to do whether I bribe, plead, do a rain dance or not. So I've learned to accept it.

Years ago, when I kept it very short, it did things in the morning that even medusa would have frowned at. My roommate at the time would wake up with me, just to laugh at my hair. At the time, I had 830 classes and she didn't have to be at work until 11 most days. So yeah. I feel your pain.

Truth though, is that your hair is quite lovely. Rowr.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Let me just tell you, you're morning hair is my hair's "after" photo. You look adorable.

Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

i like it, lots of body

Blogger AliceBabylon said...

I have a PonytailJob, which means the PermaPonyLump when I do get to wear it down. *sigh*

Blogger crasspersonality said...

That's so the "scene" right now, even if you hate it.

Blogger Monkey said...

It looks "hawt". I'm borrowing this word for a while, trying it out. But truly, the hair is very very... very. It's freaking adorable!

Blogger Monica said...

My hair rises like bread dough in the night. You have my sympathies. BUT, I think it is "hawt" too, as is.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I go to bed with wet hair too. Let's compare photos someday!

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