October 05, 2005
open letter to who ever is in charge

dear sir or madam (or yummy dinner)


i understand that sometimes you religious types like to test the faith of the humble masses, especially as we are beginning a new year (and you know i'm partying like it's 5766)... i can even conceive of your logic that in the midst of the high holy days, the time wherein i should be atoning (or whatever), that this would be a good time to challenge me, to force me to rise to the occasion.

but what you don't understand is that i will rise. i will rise up and kill you if this doesn't stop.

the move? well, thanks for sending TheManiel to help out. too bad that's all the help we got. i'm sure you had a good laugh as you watched me struggle to remain human and functional in the face of a sinus headache that made my eyes leak uncontrolably. here's a comment you may remember (and may i ask that you promptly erase it from Boy's memory because i will never get my diamond burrito if he remembers seeing me in this state):
if you do not find the bed by the time i crawl from this shower i swear i will die and you will be stuck in this shithole without me. just you and the dog and his flaky skin and the termite carcasses. for a whole year.

i think i looked like this at that point, so if you're looking for things to do later, you could probably erase that image from Boy's memory too.

oh, and our couch? that we spent like 600 dollars on just last year? that new couch, well, it's sitting in the hallway because it will. not. fit. inside. the. door.

so now the loveseat that pickles has been using for the last year has become our couch, which means it needed a slipcover. which means i bought a brand new slipcover that the dog promptly peed on. thank you for making him reliable.

speaking of pee, i hope you are punishing the woman who lived here before us. she was clearly a terrible doggie mama, as evidenced by the fact that she never allowed her dog to leave the apartment, what with the pee stained wood floors and smell that will not go away. i will continue mopping with this stuff and it better start working! because grown women do not enter retail establishments and ask sales clerks to show them the wee-wee!

moving on. you know that blanket we had? instead of buying a new one with all the dollars i don't have, i bought some dye to try to make it match the new slip cover. except that the dye worked much better on my hands than on the blanket. which is now in the trash. and no matter how many times i wash them, my stupid hands are still green. i even used bleach... which left them dry and damaged and green.

when i was in junior high i was the same height i am now and i wore a green dress to a bar mitzvah and all the boys called me jolly green giant. i still haven't forgiven you for that, so fix something or i will cover my face with my jolly green palms and cry.

and could you please have a word with the people in the church across the street about the excessive and overly jubilant bell ringing? there is no reason to be so happy at 8 a.m. none. i mean, i can think of one... but in a church? while ringing a bell?

all i'm trying to say here is that you have screwed up. i know this because yesterday afternoon *deep breath* my very own digital camera arrived in the mail* and yet i have not taken a single picture, nor pressed any of the bright and shiny buttons. i am too busy dealing with my life! don't you understand that there are many things i need to show the person who reads my blog???? (hi person!) i'm gonna miss out on this whole ass-showing trend! you are slowing me down, diety-type thing. get your ass (or meatballs) in gear.

in conclusion, let me know if you'd like to buy my couch.

*thank you Kady's Pet!


Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

The worst part of an animal peeing everywhere is that you can't reason with them. They can't tell you what is wrong, if they are sick or just irritated that you put your socks in the hamper before they were doing playing with them or too fat to walk their ass to the designated peeing and pooping spot.
And the STINK! Oh Christ! There is just about nothing worse than walking into a room that a cat or dog has violated via urinating sporadically all over the place. I sympathize with you my sister. I have the same problem with one of my cats. She just pees like it ain't no thang.

Blogger Libby said...

Oh holy jesus in a creche. I am buying my son a puppy and seem to have overlooked the peeing in the house issue.

I may have to shoot myself. Good luck with the couch though :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Kendra, I feel your pain on the couch issue. I once had to hire special guys from the furniture store to saw my couch into three pieces and reassemble it in my apartment.

I hope things get better soon. *LOVE*

Blogger Calzone said...

Pfft...I thought you guys liked to party. Where I come from peeing on the floor when shit starts happenning.

Blogger d2ana said...

Curious; how tall are you, to qualify as a jolly green giant?

Blogger Grend31 said...

These events could not have been a result of being touched by His Noodly Appendage. I cannot believe that The Flying Spaghetti Monster could be so cruel.

Alas I cannot help you with the couch thing.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i am 5'10", which isn't that tall now, but at 12 is hugenormous.

Blogger Bonanza JellyBean said...

I was the tallest girl in my junior high, too. I was keene enough to avoid wearing green, though...

Blogger Dan said...

Your dog probably peed on the slip cover because it was on, or going to be on, the loveseat. Dogs don't like change that much.

And to his greatness The Flying Spaghetti Monster...For the love of You would you please give her a break so she can use her camera to take a picture of her ass? Is that too much to ask? IS IT?

For now though, an artist's rendering will suffice.

Thank you and good day.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

*short girl representin'*

So. Uh. I hate moving. There are no words to describe how much I hate moving. I hate it so much that whenever I think of moving, my heart actually pounds slower with a dull thud, like the sickening sound of someone who's passed out's head hitting a tile floor. You know that sound? I can hear it whenever anyone mentions moving.
I hate moving.
I think I will buy a burial plot and dig a hole. I will then pitch a tent over the hole and live the rest of my life in this tent/cellar combo, with a porta-potty next to it. That way, when I die and I'm burning in hell, at least no one will have to move me or pack my belongings, they can just stuff it all down in the hole and throw dirt on top.
I don't want to move again, ever, for any reason, even if I'm dead.
I hate moving.

Blogger Tel said...

I hate moving too. And friends don't ask friends to help them move. ever. (One can only accept if the friends offer.)

And my goodness! You are tall! Taller than Kate Winslet! :)

Post a Comment

<< Home

golden state