October 06, 2005
in the ghett-oooooo

i'm swamped today with utterly un-fun things, but i wanted to catch y'all up on something before i go all meme crazy again.

we will be seeing Miyagi for the first time this year (5766, people. representin' my jewfolk. woot woot!) on saturday. i know you miss his adorable smiling face and the hum of the burny needles, not to mention the stories of his exploits in a mexican gang... but wait! if it's gang stories you're a-lookin' for...

last night as i return to my new and pee-arific home, the neighbor from across the hall stops me outside my door and asks for peroxide.

now being the industrious girl i am, i of couse wondered if he wanted hydrogen peroxide, or if he needed hair bleach. because seriously, it would be really neat if he had blonde cornrows. hell yeah. but alas, he needed the first aid kind of peroxide, and when i asked why, here's what he said.
i kinda got shot up.
kinda. got. shot. up. all nonchalant like, as if this happens all the time.

he was at the home of his "friend" when this happened, which says either he's in a gang or he's living a real life afterschool special where in little johnny accidentally discharges daddy's weapon into the flesh of a nearby (coincidentally bandana-clad) buddy. which is totally feasible. totally.

anyway, he declined my suggestions to go to the hospital, my suggestions being pleasant and casual, and subtly coated in abject horror. i took his no to mean that he was far too busy just now, but as soon as he got some time cleared in his blackberry he would head right over. and that's normal, and i would know, because once i made my friend stop a taco bell on the way to the emergency room, as i was Hungry and i knew it would take a while for them to put my finger back together. but don't worry, we were *way* considerate and used the drive-thru so we wouldn't, you know, weird anyone out with my digits all bloody and askew. hehe. askew.

and now the meme.

1) my uncle: is my co-conspirator at family gatherings.

2) never in my life: have i eaten veal.

3) when i was five: i was smarter than some people i know now.

4) high school was: not as much fun then as it would be if i went now.

5) i will never forget: the freckles on Boy's eyelids.

6) i once met: willie nelson. he signed my ten-gallon hat.

7) there's this guy/girl i know who: really deserves to be happy but probably won't be.

8) once, at a bar: i convinced some guy to trade me his tshirt for my stinky work beater.

9) by noon i'm usually: frustrated.

10) last night: i watched a movie and lent peroxide to my neighbor who got shot.

11) if i only had: a budget for a maid. word, sassy.

12) next time I go to church, i'll: be really fucking surprised.

13) terry schiavo's: story made my parents create living wills where they chose my sister to be the plug puller and my other sister got jealous.

14) what worries me most: is that i don't do enough.

15) when i turn my head left, i see: a typewriter and some filing cabinets.

16) when i turn my head right, i see: my purse and my miniature wine tree.

17) you know i'm lying when: i tell you.

18) you know what i miss most about the eighties: elementary school.

19) if i was a character written by shakespeare: i'd be rich from royalties.

20) by this time next year: i hope to be slightly thinner and slightly less in debt. i'm being realistic. for a change.

21) a better name for me would be: first name: "charly" last name: anything. at. all.

22) i have a hard time understanding: why people think cameron diaz is pretty.

23) if i ever go back to school i'll: get an ph.d. or become a doctor.

24) you know i like you if: lick your face. no no that's the dog. sorry. i like you when i damn well say so.

25) if i won an award: i would make my parents mail me my fanciest dress from storage because i didn't pay that much for it to only wear the thing once.

26) darwin, mozart, slim pickens & geraldine ferraro: do not live on my street. in the ghett-ooooo.

27) take my advice, never: build your house on the side of a mountain in an area prone to earthquakes and mudslides. and also don't mix vodka and jack. *shudder*

28) my ideal breakfast is: peanut butter on toast, cheerios, and turkey sausages.

29) a song i love, but do not have is: jamiroquai's space cowboy remix

30) if you visit my hometown, i suggest: mailing me roast beef sandwiches from land&sea and some coffee rolls from dunkin donuts. or else don't come back, because i'll be waiting for you. and i'll be hungry.

31) tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: i have no idea.

32) why doesn't everyone: stop being so shitty?

33) if you spend the night at my house: my dog might pee on you. not really, but i will try to feed you.

34) i'd stop my wedding for: i don't have a wedding. rub it in my face, why dontcha.

35) the world could do without: the TomKat baby. *double shudder*

36) i'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: the belly of a spider.

37) my favorite blonde is: i can't think of just one.

38) paper clips are more useful than: paris hilton.

39) if i do anything well, it's: love. and karaoke.

now.... which one of you delinquents shot my neighbor?


Blogger Frog said...

I like the Elvis-song :)

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

*blushing* He started it. You can't just mess with a girl's peanut butter toast and expect NOT to get shot. Bastard.

Blogger Bonanza JellyBean said...

No, no, Sassy...don't take the rap for me. Look, the ass took my whiskey. No one takes my whiskey. No one.

Blogger Tel said...

Excuse me, excuse me. It was me. I was rollin' in my hooptie and I shot him right in the ass for jay-walking.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta'.

Blogger crasspersonality said...

Seriously, Cameron Diaz is weird as hell looking.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kendra, honey, I hate to bring you back to earth, but WTF with your new 'hood? You're a precious honey bear, and I'm a little concerned for you.

Blogger Jimi Starkey said...

Personally I love the hood...its the new deer stalker...lady you are one sassy hood wearer

Blogger Calzone said...

See when you said shot up I thought heroin...in his sack.. The way God wants you to shoot up. Oh yeah..you drive me mad

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

*echo's back*

Woot, woot!

I always sound like an idiot when I do that.

Anyway, I understand about the neighborhood. My now-ex-boyfriend lost a car window (and fortunatly nothing else) to a stray bullet from a man the police said "likes to drive around shooting."
What do you expect, when you have a combo liquor/gun store on the corner?
You think I'm kidding.

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