October 28, 2005
50 cents to point and laugh

the past several months have been a time of relentless haranguing for me. Boy has been very vocal in his protest of my continued resistance to his master plan, but his cruel teasing and laughter have only deterred me further. one time, at the height of his ranting, he actually paused to ask me why i wouldn't give in. when i bared my soul to him and said meekly, "i'm skeered," he looked at me incredulously and resumed his verbal lashings.

i've tried to silently bear my pain, but last night i caved to Boy's demand that i actually leave the house and go to stitch n' bitch. really he just wanted me to go and knit and be merry with strange knitty ladies like myself, but everytime i thought about it i was taken over with this sinking feeling, as if it were the first day of kindergarten and i had not yet mastered the art of getting to the potty on time.

and that means it's not gonna be that long till the other kids think i'm weird and smelly.

but off i went, partially because i was afraid that Boy would subject me to more cruel and unusual punishment if i stayed. i mean really, i know it's the season and all, but how many times can a girl watch fright night?

when i walked in to the farmer's market i was absolutely sure they would sense my fraudulent remedial-knitter presence, the ridicule me with their maniacal laughter and stone me on the spot. but they smiled and looked at me understandingly, like they knew my pain.

notice i said, "like they knew my pain."

because they did not in fact know my pain. for my pain, lo! it is massive.

it stems from the fact that i wield my knitting needles like i'm edward scissorhands. i'm liable to put an eye out. then there's the torture of watching me try to knit. because i have to concentrate so hard that my brain pulses in my head and my hands move so slowly that i might be retiring by the time i finish each row and after every stitch i have to readjust the needles because i can not hold them like a functioning human being for more than twenty seconds.

it was at this point that i became positive the other ladies were pointing at me as if i were a side show half-gator, half-girl in their heads. i felt like i was in one of those old school department store dressing rooms where everyone has to get all naked together. and not in a sexy way.

but aside from the friendly, "i think you screwed this up somehow," it went swimmingly. in fact, i ribbed. RIBBED. me. wow.

dita helped me, and then some pretty pink girl named sarah helped me some more. and quite luckily my guts are smarter than i am, because they told me to sit right near these two fancy pants ladies

which was *so* the right place to sit because faith (evil queen) and sara (witchy woman) are just about the coolest. i want to follow them home. (don't tell... i almost did. what? i said almost.)

plus there was some food there, which of course i couldn't eat, but looked cool.

these cupcakes look like brains!

these are culturally aware cupcakes. dios de los muertos, y'all.

and who doesn't love a good poop cake?
tell me who! i'll kill him!

but best of all (seriously. it tasted like the dewdrops that scatter from angel's wings) was this scrumptious glass bottle soda from the farmer's market, which i bought to get my parking validated, but then we fell in love. i mean, i was sticking my tongue way down that bottle's throat, so it must be love.

you can read a very serious review of the root beer's bouquet here. really.

since stitch n' bitch was not the slow and humiliating death i thought it would be, i'm considering going back. but before then i would like to make it abundantly clear that despite a long and storied history of saying such things, i was not the person who said "anal sex."


i swear.

i may have joyously continued the conversation, but i can rest peacefully knowing i did not start it.


Anonymous Gwen said...

You should totally come back! I was terrified for like, the first month I went, but it's really fun, and everyone is super sweet. Also, there are plenty of people just starting out. I hadn't knit for years and barely managed a drop stitch scarf when I started coming (about six months ago), and now I've been totally inspired to do all kinds of things. As for unwieldy needles, I'm not sure that ever goes away, since I keep nearly poking people's eyes out. ;)

Blogger Libby said...

For crying in the beer Kendra, you need to move up here to Seattle. Immediately.

And I would not point and laugh, I swear.

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! You are *SO* Brave!!!! I wish I could be as brave as you. Those cupcakes poop look so scrumptious!!! I was steeling myself up to go, but I chickened out at the last minute. :( Maybe I should be ChickenGurl. But I was afraid everyone would have costumes and mock me (b/c I look like this EVERY day!). If I knowed you were going, I would have gone. Maybe.

Let me guess - did Purl show up, and was it she what said ANAL SEX?! B/c that's the kinda gurl she is!!!

Blogger MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

BTW, what yarn are you ribbing?! That is the most beautimous shade of blue.

Blogger Sara said...

Actually, I think I was the one who said "anal sex," but mostly just in reference to the fact that the Santa Monica SnB normally has much more discussion of anal sex than the West Hollywood group does. I'm glad we didn't scare you off. Hope to see you next week!

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I'm so proud of you! Yay! I'm also glad that you ribbed instead of rimmed, because when you do that the people always look at you funny the next time they see you.

Blogger Lisa said...

I love me my OC SnB group, but seriously - anal sex and poop cake?!? How do I get some of THAT going down here behind the Orange Curtain? That said, I still have tremors that this, this will be the week where everyone gets up and moves to the other end of the table to be aware from me.

Blogger Lisa said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Those cookies look delish!

Blogger Quirkalot said...


Blogger CommonWombat said...

Actually, I was the one who said "Anal Sex." I was yelling it all the way over here in Baltimore, but I've been told my voice kind of carries. Sorry if I caused any confusion. I was actually responding to the question "Would you rather have carrot cake packed in your tear ducts, or anal sex?" It was an easy choice.

And the poop cake? Oh my sweet lord jeebus and all the merry elves, the poop cake! I MUST HAVE ONE.

Blogger Tel said...

Ewwww! Looks like kitty poops cake!

Blogger Racheal said...

Maybe this is just my stomach talking, but those brain cupcakes look pretty yummy.

Blogger dr.M said...

thank you for reminding me to clean out the cat box.

Blogger Calzone said...

That witch is hot!! I'm doing something like that here with a bunch of people too. Except we don't knit.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

one of my first snb events a chic was talking about a vulva cake that she made for a husband. she tried to make it accurately colored...to disasterous results. i think all snbers are a bawdy bunch.

and i could give two shits whether i'm a good knitter or not. people all suck to start with. plus? who can knit anything complicated what with all the laughing?

Blogger Allison said...

Hey there! It's Allison, I was sitting across from you wearing the Halloween scarf and not knitting very much. I'm glad you decided to go back. The WeHo meeting is great and everyone's so friendly. I really should get myself there more than about twice per year. Maybe I'll bring my own chair next time (bad back, bad chairs). Glad I found your blog, which is fun and I'll be following.

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