when gnomes attack

i know you think it's unlikely, what with all the pro-gnome propaganda floating around these days, but let me assure you. it doesn't take much.

for a long time the gnomes and i led peacefully symbiotic lives; they did the "landscaping" and in return i protected them from encroaching smurf armies. they came regularly with their tweezers and blades and bowls of hot wax, pulling and ripping and cutting every hair as it surfaced. those gnomes are industrious fellas.

and it's not their fault that the work environment became so unpleasant. for some reason, which i have not yet discovered, my hair will sometimes grow back having undergone a minor mutation... wherein it is no longer hair, but something like this. meaning i get a violently red and angry ingrown or two. or 5269347897412560958. any where i have skin.

right now i'm nursing one the size of a grape. that's too much information isn't it? yeah. that was too much.

anyway, to deal with the increasing stress of their work, the gnomes turned to drugs. and it wasn't long before i could see the signs.



some of the better educated gnomes formed a union, demanding higher wages and full benefits. they asked for paid vacation and orthodontic coverage. then they asked for sundays off, but there's no way i can have hairy legs on a sunday. how would i fully appreciate clean sheet day? it can't be done, people. no way, no how.

so i told them *i* don't even have benefits, and clearly it wasn't what they wanted to hear.



they started picketing, marching around in little lines outside my bathroom door, totings their signs and chanting. sometimes it got so loud the neighbors called to complain about all the moaning gnomey chatter.

when i brushed their demands aside they began to hide in the covers and kick me while i was sleeping. still i remained strong. and then they started doing voodoo with the hairs they had taken from me over the years, the hairs they had been saving right from the very beginning.

that's when i knew they were crazy.

and it's from a long history of trying to deal with crazy people that i gleaned the knowledge:

there is no way to deal with crazy people.

i assume this goes from crazy gnomes too.

so i gave them the orthodontia thing, because seriously, some of those kids had snaggleteeth, and we called it a day. unfortunately i also had to start covering rehab what with all the pcp, but in the long run i think it will be worth it.

just as soon as they get the rotary tiller up in here to out grow this motherfucking ingrown.